is pushing myself past exhaustion in one last intense and risky attemt to make things okay the right thing to do..?

[aludnelac]

i guess i'll just say it bluntly.. my hopes and dreams in this world are becoming increasingly incompatible with reality, and i'm too mentally damaged from things that have happened to me in the past and existing mental illness to really function like everyone else does.. that being said, i have a final plan to say i gave it my all.. i'm going to do it regardless, but that being said, i'm not really sure if it's even the right thing to do..
i guess i plan to work like 60 hours a week for about two months, save up a bunch of money quickly, and try out some trading strategies that completely divert from what i've ever done, and if i fail, i can say i tried my hardest, and if i succeed, well, i'll still be pretty miserable, but i suppose i'll try my best to keep on surviving as long as i can in this mind.. i think this will actually work, but yet, i feel so exhausted i can hardly get out of bed anymore, so i have no idea how i'm even going to pull something like this off, but i have to just find the strength buried deep down to push through for just a little longer.. i suppose my issue is: is this possibly a way to just expedite my death, because if i burn the last of my will out in some futile exhausting last push and then i fail anyway, there's no way i would ever be able to recover from such a crushing defeat and have the energy to pick myself up again..
i keep telling myself this is my last stand, basically, but i worry if it doesn't go right i'll just completely give up, but won't actually have the strength to do anything about it, and instead i'll just rot and rot and rot.. i feel like i'm already rotting so much.. do we reach a point of rotting and defeat where it becomes too much for basically anyone to take anymore..? i don't know.. i still had so much i wanted to do, but living is becoming so miserable and tiring, and i'm feeling more and more that i'm just not meant for this world.. people are too cruel and difficult for me, and i'm a bit too frail and stupid to manage with them very well.. i don't truly fit in anywhere, and the only time i relate to people i feel as though i'm just mirroring them on some level.. i'm not really anything but some sick creature, and i'm not sure what the point of this all is..
i just wonder if i'm doing the right thing.. i just can't really find another way out of this.. sure, everyone has their own advice and their own way to "fix" my life for me, it's usually pointless and doesn't really take my own psychology into mind at all, and maybe i'm a little overly stubborn for sticking to my own ways of finding some form of happiness, but i just can't see another way out..
do you think exhausting your soul into one final push before fully giving up is the right way to operate? or am i basically just burning out the last of my emotional and physical stores and ultimately hastening the complete defeat of whatever willpower i had left, and ultimately giving myself a better excuse to make it easier to ctb..?

sorry if this the wrong place for this kind of thing, i figured since it involves me trying to do something that could possibly result in survival it belongs in recovery, idrk.. thanks

 

[$nowLeopard]

i guess i'll just say it bluntly.. my hopes and dreams in this world are becoming increasingly incompatible with reality, and i'm too mentally damaged from things that have happened to me in the past and existing mental illness to really function like everyone else does.. that being said, i have a final plan to say i gave it my all.. i'm going to do it regardless, but that being said, i'm not really sure if it's even the right thing to do..
i guess i plan to work like 60 hours a week for about two months, save up a bunch of money quickly, and try out some trading strategies that completely divert from what i've ever done, and if i fail, i can say i tried my hardest, and if i succeed, well, i'll still be pretty miserable, but i suppose i'll try my best to keep on surviving as long as i can in this mind.. i think this will actually work, but yet, i feel so exhausted i can hardly get out of bed anymore, so i have no idea how i'm even going to pull something like this off, but i have to just find the strength buried deep down to push through for just a little longer.. i suppose my issue is: is this possibly a way to just expedite my death, because if i burn the last of my will out in some futile exhausting last push and then i fail anyway, there's no way i would ever be able to recover from such a crushing defeat and have the energy to pick myself up again..
i keep telling myself this is my last stand, basically, but i worry if it doesn't go right i'll just completely give up, but won't actually have the strength to do anything about it, and instead i'll just rot and rot and rot.. i feel like i'm already rotting so much.. do we reach a point of rotting and defeat where it becomes too much for basically anyone to take anymore..? i don't know.. i still had so much i wanted to do, but living is becoming so miserable and tiring, and i'm feeling more and more that i'm just not meant for this world.. people are too cruel and difficult for me, and i'm a bit too frail and stupid to manage with them very well.. i don't truly fit in anywhere, and the only time i relate to people i feel as though i'm just mirroring them on some level.. i'm not really anything but some sick creature, and i'm not sure what the point of this all is..
i just wonder if i'm doing the right thing.. i just can't really find another way out of this.. sure, everyone has their own advice and their own way to "fix" my life for me, it's usually pointless and doesn't really take my own psychology into mind at all, and maybe i'm a little overly stubborn for sticking to my own ways of finding some form of happiness, but i just can't see another way out..
do you think exhausting your soul into one final push before fully giving up is the right way to operate? or am i basically just burning out the last of my emotional and physical stores and ultimately hastening the complete defeat of whatever willpower i had left, and ultimately giving myself a better excuse to make it easier to ctb..?

sorry if this the wrong place for this kind of thing, i figured since it involves me trying to do something that could possibly result in survival it belongs in recovery, idrk.. thanks

Do you have any money? Order from the internet some Synthetic Thyroid Hormone, specifically T3 (Levo-Triiodothyronine Sodium). It has very effective anti-depressant and anti-suicide action. It makes you much energetic, and paradoxically helps insomnia. It increases metabolism, so accordingly increase your calories and nutrition. Be well-fed throughout the day.
I figure it'll help you get through this. And hey, you might aswell try something new.

 

[aludnelac]

Do you have any money? Order from the internet some Synthetic Thyroid Hormone, specifically T3 (Levo-Triiodothyronine Sodium). It has very effective anti-depressant and anti-suicide action. It makes you much energetic, and paradoxically helps insomnia. It increases metabolism, so accordingly increase your calories and nutrition. Be well-fed throughout the day.
I figure it'll help you get through this. And hey, you might aswell try something new.

hmm, i'll have a lil bit in like a week, rn i have like $15, that's it, lmao
thanks for the advice on this, i just might try it out, cause if i'm honest i kept thinking "i wish i had access to some kind of amphetamine or something to make me have boundless stores of energy and concentration.. two things i have barely anything left of.." i was gonna just try to drink a lot of high caffeine teas to cope, since i'm more sensitive to it than most people, and i guess hardly end up sleeing, lol.. i guess i'll just have to see if there's some kinda long-term detrimental effects taking something like this has.. i don't mind losing weight, i think my bmi is like 19 now, so going back to 17 or 16 sounds good to me anyway.. i suppose i wouldn't want to mess up my thyroid permanently or something like that, since my body is already pretty weak in some ways, but if there's something like this i can get on the grey market for relatively cheap that gives me a lot of energy i'd be willing to give it a shot.. :v

 

[$nowLeopard]

hmm, i'll have a lil bit in like a week, rn i have like $15, that's it, lmao

lol

"i wish i had access to some kind of amphetamine or something to make me have boundless stores of energy and concentration.. two things i have barely anything left of.."

its really something.

i guess i'll just have to see if there's some kinda long-term detrimental effects taking something like this has

if you do not adequately eat you will experience a stress response (Cortisol and Adrenaline release), throughout the day eat rice, sugar etc. just so your liver has enough stored sugar (Glycogen, stored Glucose. If your Glycogen stores become low enough, your body will release Cortisol and Adrenaline to "access" the last remaining parts of your Glycogen stores. So basically eat enough sugar, starch etc. so you always have available Glycogen, available without Cortisol and Adrenaline that is), and also eat meat, cheese, milk etc. so you have adequate blood Amino-Acid levels.
So basically take care of your carb intake and protein intake. Put a little bit of butter and salt into your rice, poatoes (yum...) to calm you down, both Saturated Fat and Salt have calming effects, and also to easily increase calorie intake.
Take care of your sleep.
Get some early (6:00-8:00AM) morning sunlight to fine-tune Circadian Rhythm, UV-A ( the UV type that is the majority in the morning and in the evening, in the afternoon it is UV-B, although try to get early morning UV-A instead of evening ) is required for proper Dopaminergic Cycling aswell.
Invest in some OJ (Orange Juice) (100% tho, can be made from concentrate if price is an issue, or you can buy the concentrate urself and add water), easy Magnesium, Potassium and sugar source.

i suppose i wouldn't want to mess up my thyroid permanently

nah that wouldnt happen

but if there's something like this i can get on the grey market for relatively cheap that gives me a lot of energy i'd be willing to give it a shot.. :v

i can maybe hook you up with a source, although itll take some time, i havent ordered any myself but i know its out there, i got mine via a friendly doc i know

 

[aludnelac]

if you do not adequately eat you will experience a stress response (Cortisol and Adrenaline release), throughout the day eat rice, sugar etc. just so your liver has enough stored sugar (Glycogen, stored Glucose. If your Glycogen stores become low enough, your body will release Cortisol and Adrenaline to "access" the last remaining parts of your Glycogen stores. So basically eat enough sugar, starch etc. so you always have available Glycogen, available without Cortisol and Adrenaline that is), and also eat meat, cheese, milk etc. so you have adequate blood Amino-Acid levels.
So basically take care of your carb intake and protein intake. Put a little bit of butter and salt into your rice, poatoes (yum...) to calm you down, both Saturated Fat and Salt have calming effects, and also to easily increase calorie intake.
Take care of your sleep.
Get some early (6:00-8:00AM) morning sunlight to fine-tune Circadian Rhythm, UV-A ( the UV type that is the majority in the morning and in the evening, in the afternoon it is UV-B, although try to get early morning UV-A instead of evening ) is required for proper Dopaminergic Cycling aswell.
Invest in some OJ (Orange Juice) (100% tho, can be made from concentrate if price is an issue, or you can buy the concentrate urself and add water), easy Magnesium, Potassium and sugar source.

hmmm, this sounds rather complex just to maintain a normal way of living through, maybe it's a bit childish or stupid of me, but i guess i was just hoping for some kind of simple pill or supplement that gives me intense amounts of energy and allows for me to barely sleep.. i'm terrible at maintaining anything even close to a proper circadian rhythm and if i'm going to be working like this it's likely implying i'm going to be sleeping like 3 hours a night for two months, haha
i don't really manage to get sunlight anymore, and i'm basically a worthless hikikomori loser at this point, sorry.. i don't think i really have the energy in me to make sure i'm properly maintaining and cooking even basic meals like that, i often just randomly eat nuts throughout the day to live.. idk, i wasn't kidding when i say i'm some kind of sick creature.. i don't feel like i live like a person anymore, and it's not like i have a way of pulling myself out of this.. i guess that just sounds like a lot of responsibilities to make sure i don't accidentally cause my body to have the kinda stress response you're talking about.. sorry i can't even manage to do something like that..

do you have any ideas for things like this that don't require quite as much maintenance, i don't mind if i'm slightly abusing my body.. i guess i just feel like i would really mess this up badly.. :s

i can maybe hook you up with a source, although itll take some time, i havent ordered any myself but i know its out there, i got mine via a friendly doc i know

thank you for the possible offer, that's really nice of you.. you seem to be really knowledgeable on these kinds of substances, so if you have other ideas and it's not too much of a bother, i wouldn't mind talking about it with you on discord or something.. i guess i was just gonna take something like guarana supplements if it got too hard, lol

 

[Smart No More]

I definitely think you are doing the right thing with one last push unless there is a second option of you taking a break to chill and gather your thoughts and energy first.

I was going to suggest that you can access amphetamines via the dark net markets but the truth is that amphetamines have a horrible rebound effect and the comedown would definitely take it's toll on you even if it helps in the short term. The comedown is horrible and the impact on an already weak system isn't likely to be pretty.

I'm actually interested by @$nowLeopards suggestion regarding the T3 thyroid hormone as it could be useful for myself assuming it's not sex specific. I'll have to look into that.

One thing that came to mind as you mentioned trading is crypto currency. Not sure if you're already considering it but there's money to be made short selling it. There are other ways to make money with crypto too. For example many people like to buy it anonymously which makes buying it from the usual sources like an exchange problematic. They require ID and you need to fund them using your bank so there is money to be made by simply buying legitimately yourself and selling it on to people at a premium. The premiums are often pretty significant and you can do the transactions in person at a public place such as a bank or cafe. Anywhere that is mutually safe for each party. You can advertise it all over the place online and it's entirely legal and legitimate. You just write a simple contract saying you sold it and keep a record of its value at the time you bought it and sold it and how much you sold it for. The good thing is that you can buy it as and when you receive an order for it so the chances of it losing significant value whilst you're holding it is very low. You can also offset any small losses by incorperating them into the price you charge. I'm pretty sure there are listings on gumtree although it's been a long time since I last looked. They may have stopped letting people list there but there are so many places you can advertise your services online. I'm surprised more people don't do it. I think that's the biggest risk really. If loads of people start doing it and saturate the market but so far it doesn't appear to be the case and there are so many different crypto currencies now. Although I think Bitcoin is probably the one you're most likely to make decent money on because its used so widely. I dunno, maybe it's worth looking into if you have the means and mind for it. Small learning curve but not insurmountable. Best of luck with whatever you decide anyway! :)

 

[aludnelac]

I definitely think you are doing the right thing with one last push unless there is a second option of you taking a break to chill and gather your thoughts and energy first.

I was going to suggest that you can access amphetamines via the dark net markets but the truth is that amphetamines have a horrible rebound effect and the xomedown would definitely take it's toll on you even if it helps on the short term. The comedown is horrible and the impact on an already weak system isn't likely to be pretty.

I'm actually interested by @$nowLeopards suggestion regarding the T3 thyroid hormone as it could be useful for myself assuming it's not sex specific. I'll have to look into that.

One thing that came to mind as you mentioned trading is crypto currency. Not sure if you're already considering it but there's money to be made short selling it. There are other ways to make money with crypto too. For example many people like to buy it anonymously which makes buying it from the usual sources like an exchange problematic. They require ID and you need to fund them using your bank so there is money to be made by simply buying legitimately yourself and selling it on to people at a premium. The premiums are often pretty significant and you can do the transactions in person at a public place such as a bank or cafe. Anywhere that is mutually safe for each party. You can advertise it all over the place online and it's entirely legal and legitimate. You just write a simple contract saying you sold it and kewp a record of its value at the time you bought it and sold it and how much you sold it for. The good thing id that you can buy it as and when you receive an order for it so the chances of it losing significant value whilst youe holding it is very low. You can also offset any small losses by incorperating them into thw price you charge. I'm pretty sure there are listings on gumtree although it's been a long time since I last looked. They may have stopped letring people list there but there are so many places you can advertise your services online. I'm surprised more people don't do it. I think that's the biggest risk really. If loads of people start doing it and saturating the market but so far it doesn't appear to be the case and there are so many different crypto currencies now. Although I think Bitcoin is probabt the one you're more likely to make decent money on because its used so widely. I dunno, maybe it's worth looking into if you have the means and mind for it. Small learning curve but not insurmountable. Best of luck with whatever you decide anyway! :)

ahhh yeah, resting could be a good move too, but i suppose i know i have the initiative now, and if i rest i can already feel it setting in, i'm going to start to truly rot.. never leaving bed anymore, no longer showering, no longer talking to others or doing the most basic things to take care of myself.. i've done this before once for a surgery i needed, so i feel i can do it one more time before i give up i guess..

yeah, i thought about darknet amphetamines, but uhh i was worried about someone getting into legal trouble with such a thing.. and yeah, i used to be addicted to opiates for a bit several years ago, and the comedown was pretty nasty, i guess in the current state i'm in it would be even worse than back then.. idk, i'm mostly just afraid of my dad finding out i ordered something like that somehow and kicking me out of here, i guess in that case my only option would be homelessness or hoping i could find some random guy on 4chan that would let me stay with them.. so yeah, didn't want to risk illegal things, sorry i seem to find some dumb excuse for any kind of idea people offer me that could help..

aha, yeah, i trade stock options, and i guess i've come up with several kinds of strategies that i think will work after all of my failures over the last year.. i mean, i believe cumulatively they should actually be good, and regardless, they're not things where everything is on the table with every trade like before, so i think that's the biggest aspect that should help me be successful.. i'm someone who has lost and made back everything about four times, but it's been increasingly more challenging lately, so i've been trying to rethink everything i did before, basically..
hmm, i used to do stuff with crypto trading when i first started out years ago, but i suppose i mostly fell off from that in a lot of ways over time.. i guess the kinda things you're talking about immediately makes me think of something like localbitcoins.. so basically this is just selling bitcoins or monero or eth or whatever is liquid enough on these places to people irl, so they can avoid having a record of it on an exchange, and you're collecting the premium they pay to do this if i understand correctly..? i suppose i never actually thought of this as an alternative.. are the people on these places kinda shady, and would their be a high chance of them trying to rob you or something.. i suppose i might be an easy target if that's true, since idk if a skittish 5'3 girl who's kind of afraid of other people and being outside would be the best fit for that kind of environment.. maybe i'm way overthinking it tho.. i'm pretty good with markets and related subjects, so i could definitely learn how to do that.. it's certainly another good alternative to have (and since i have so few that seem like they could be reliable, new ideas are really valuable), so thanks for the recommendation, i really appreciate it..!

 

[Smart No More]

Yeah, that's right. You're literally selling to people who prefer not to buy from an exchange. I guess some of them mighr be a little shady but the rule of thumb is to meet in a public setting to make the transaction for the safety of the buyer and the seller as both parties are potentially at risk of being robbed. Therefore the buyer is often going to be looking for somebody like yourself that is unlikely to rob them as they share the same fear you do. I would say just don't do business with anybody that won't meet your safety requirements. There are actually services with rating systems for cash sales of crypto so you could opt to operate through one of those. I have a feeling localbitcoins actually has that feature. It's going to be a more competitive space though as everyone on there is vying for the sale. I thing the profit margin is still relatively high but not as high as trading away from exchanges entirely.

There's also the option of having a third party in the mix to avoid being robbed. So you either send them to the meet or have them in contact in a safe place while you confirm the legitimacy of the transaction. For example one of you meet the buyer outside a bank. You sit in the lobby of the bank and confirm the amount agreed, ask to see the cash but don't take it (unless of course they hand it over without prompting) and have them sign your brief contract/bill of sale. You then ok the person waiting in the safe place to confirm the transaction. Obviously there are some logistics to iron out such as getting their wallet details etc but that's easily worked out. I know a few sellers will send the crypto over before taking payment but in those cases they will usually ask to see it at least. It's entirely upto you how you do the transaction. Maybe wait for first confirmation so they can see it is going through and then take the money. Or play it by eye and have different scenarios for different comfort levels based on how you feel about the customer as you meet them. There are a number of different security measures you can put in place. Having somebody with you and doing it in a public place is probably a good start. I imagine a little research might garner some good additions though. As you're not carrying cash you are least likely to get robbed. The buyer is the most vulnerable when you think about it.

 

[aludnelac]

Yeah, that's right. You're literally selling to people who prefer not to buy from an exchange. I guess some of them mighr be a little shady but the rule of thumb is to meet in a public setting to make the transaction for the safety of the buyer and the seller as both parties are potentially at risk of being robbed. Therefore the buyer is often going to be looking for somebody like yourself that is unlikely to rob them as they share the same fear you do. I would say just don't do business with anybody that won't meet your safety requirements. There are actually services with rating systems for cash sales of crypto so you could opt to operate through one of those. I have a feeling localbitcoins actually has that feature. It's going to be a more competitive space though as everyone on there is vying for the sale. I thing the profit margin is still relatively high but not as high as trading away from exchanges entirely.

There's also the option of having a third party in the mix to avoid being robbed. So you either send them to the meet or have them in contact in a safe place while you confirm the legitimacy of the transaction. For example one of you meet the buyer outside a bank. You sit in the lobby of the bank and confirm the amount agreed, ask to see the cash but don't take it (unless of course they hand it over without prompting) and have them sign your brief contract/bill of sale. You then ok the person waiting in the safe place to confirm the transaction. Obviously there are some logistics to iron out such as getting their wallet details etc but that's easily worked out. I know a few sellers will send the crypto over before taking payment but in those cases they will usually ask to see it at least. It'a entirely upto you how you do the transaction. Maybe wait for first confirmation so they can see it is going through and then take the money. Or play it by eye and have different scenarios for different comfort levels based on how you feel about the customer as you meet them. There are a number of different security measures you can put in place. Having somebody with you and doing it in a public place is probably a good start. I imagine a little research might garner some good additions though. As you're not carrying cash you are least likely to get robbed. The buyer is the most vulnerable when you think about it.

yeah, i believe that's the kind of feature that made me think of localbitcoins originally; i guess there might be more low profile places like this, such as some of the ones you mentioned, or even something else that have less competition for someone trying to break into this, since i assume not having any reputation at this point makes it especially hard to break into on a heavily saturated site like that, but maybe i'm way off there..
i don't really know anyone here that could act as a third party like that, but that does sound like a good idea for ideal safety.. i suppose i would probably just attempt to do the method you described about wanting to see the cash, and asking for it once the first confirmation goes through..
i guess right now this probably isn't my first mode of action, but i'll certainly research it more thoroughly if everything else fails and i don't really have much else of an alternative to turn to, it sounds like something i could probably manage to push myself to do, i think as long as it's in a public place and i take all the appropriate kinds of basic measures you talked about, it should be safe enough for me to do.. this may very well be what i end up doing if i start to fail at what i'm trying to do rn

 

[$nowLeopard]

hmmm, this sounds rather complex just to maintain a normal way of living through, maybe it's a bit childish or stupid of me, but i guess i was just hoping for some kind of simple pill or supplement that gives me intense amounts of energy and allows for me to barely sleep.. i'm terrible at maintaining anything even close to a proper circadian rhythm and if i'm going to be working like this it's likely implying i'm going to be sleeping like 3 hours a night for two months, haha
i don't really manage to get sunlight anymore, and i'm basically a worthless hikikomori loser at this point, sorry.. i don't think i really have the energy in me to make sure i'm properly maintaining and cooking even basic meals like that, i often just randomly eat nuts throughout the day to live.. idk, i wasn't kidding when i say i'm some kind of sick creature.. i don't feel like i live like a person anymore, and it's not like i have a way of pulling myself out of this.. i guess that just sounds like a lot of responsibilities to make sure i don't accidentally cause my body to have the kinda stress response you're talking about.. sorry i can't even manage to do something like that..

do you have any ideas for things like this that don't require quite as much maintenance, i don't mind if i'm slightly abusing my body.. i guess i just feel like i would really mess this up badly.. :s

thank you for the possible offer, that's really nice of you.. you seem to be really knowledgeable on these kinds of substances, so if you have other ideas and it's not too much of a bother, i wouldn't mind talking about it with you on discord or something.. i guess i was just gonna take something like guarana supplements if it got too hard, lol

You could just take amphetamines and not have an appetite for the whole day
I'm sorry dude but you need some upkeep

 

[motel rooms]

I don't think it's wise to fuck with hormone levels

 

[$nowLeopard]

I don't think it's wise to fuck with hormone levels

There are many different hormone systems and types of exogenous hormones
Some would really be harmless (if is u don't have some preexisting disease), like Thyroid, ESPECIALLY T3, it's fairly safe
You just have to make sure you eat enough nutrients, because the requirements will be increased

 

[motel rooms]

There are many different hormone systems and types of exogenous hormones
Some would really be harmless (if is u don't have some preexisting disease), like Thyroid, ESPECIALLY T3, it's fairly safe
You just have to make sure you eat enough nutrients, because the requirements will be increased

Are you an endocrinologist?

 

[$nowLeopard]

Are you an endocrinologist?

Yes

 

[motel rooms]

Awesome

 

[Smart No More]

Yes

I might run some stuff by you at some point if that's ok?
I initially thought it was my endocrine system that was going haywire but came to understand there was more going on as things progressed.

 

[toseeyousmile]

I was doing something similar at one point. My friend is also depressed and struggling in his own way and one conversation, idk why in particular, but it hit me when he said that we can't keep living the way we are living. So I then got some surge of motivation or maybe out of desperation, made a goal to go to the gym for 14 days straight, and if I miss a day I have to start over, hoping this would push me. Upon asking some of my other friends for advice they said it wasn't really efficient to do so, and then I started to question what it is that I should do and so now I am at a loss.

Just as you've brought up, when I had decided to push myself, I did it out of desperation, it did occur to me in my mind that maybe the real motivation for me doing this was to accelerate and kill off any hope I had left, that this scuffed struggle we put ourselves into for the sake of struggle instead of doing anything misses the point entirely of what it means to be happy. That's at least how I see it, you would naturally have a different definition of happiness and stuff according to your values so maybe you see it differently, now I'm at a loss as to what I should do and am falling on a downward spiral.

hopefully you'll figure out what you're looking for and achieve it, best of luck.

 

[Flippy]

Yes

For realises? Just wondering how taking TSH3 would affect the production of other TSH hormones. As I understood it, the TSH hormones work in a feedback loop so other hormones would be suppressed/increased in response. Can't remember the exact mechanism off the top of my head right now but surely this wouldn't be good?

A while back one of my TSH hormones was way high compared to normal and I felt like shit.

 

[sartre_camus_love]

Is there a more moderate approach you can take? I think making small changes daily and building tends to be more effective and easier to sustain over time. What are your aspirations? There's this image I've seen of two ladders one with a lot of rungs close together and another with fewer farther apart. Obviously the one with the smaller steps is easier and will ultimately get you where you want to be faster. I also think smaller steps = easier failure / easier for future attempts. I don't know the details of what you're trying to do, and maybe none of this applies or is feasible, but I thought I'd offer my perspective anywho

 

[Deleted member 32964]

I don't think it's wise to fuck with hormone levels

My transgendered friends would disagree. They've done it their whole lives - :) J/K

i guess i'll just say it bluntly.. my hopes and dreams in this world are becoming increasingly incompatible with reality, and i'm too mentally damaged from things that have happened to me in the past and existing mental illness to really function like everyone else does.. that being said, i have a final plan to say i gave it my all.. i'm going to do it regardless, but that being said, i'm not really sure if it's even the right thing to do..
i guess i plan to work like 60 hours a week for about two months, save up a bunch of money quickly, and try out some trading strategies that completely divert from what i've ever done, and if i fail, i can say i tried my hardest, and if i succeed, well, i'll still be pretty miserable, but i suppose i'll try my best to keep on surviving as long as i can in this mind.. i think this will actually work, but yet, i feel so exhausted i can hardly get out of bed anymore, so i have no idea how i'm even going to pull something like this off, but i have to just find the strength buried deep down to push through for just a little longer.. i suppose my issue is: is this possibly a way to just expedite my death, because if i burn the last of my will out in some futile exhausting last push and then i fail anyway, there's no way i would ever be able to recover from such a crushing defeat and have the energy to pick myself up again..
i keep telling myself this is my last stand, basically, but i worry if it doesn't go right i'll just completely give up, but won't actually have the strength to do anything about it, and instead i'll just rot and rot and rot.. i feel like i'm already rotting so much.. do we reach a point of rotting and defeat where it becomes too much for basically anyone to take anymore..? i don't know.. i still had so much i wanted to do, but living is becoming so miserable and tiring, and i'm feeling more and more that i'm just not meant for this world.. people are too cruel and difficult for me, and i'm a bit too frail and stupid to manage with them very well.. i don't truly fit in anywhere, and the only time i relate to people i feel as though i'm just mirroring them on some level.. i'm not really anything but some sick creature, and i'm not sure what the point of this all is..
i just wonder if i'm doing the right thing.. i just can't really find another way out of this.. sure, everyone has their own advice and their own way to "fix" my life for me, it's usually pointless and doesn't really take my own psychology into mind at all, and maybe i'm a little overly stubborn for sticking to my own ways of finding some form of happiness, but i just can't see another way out..
do you think exhausting your soul into one final push before fully giving up is the right way to operate? or am i basically just burning out the last of my emotional and physical stores and ultimately hastening the complete defeat of whatever willpower i had left, and ultimately giving myself a better excuse to make it easier to ctb..?

sorry if this the wrong place for this kind of thing, i figured since it involves me trying to do something that could possibly result in survival it belongs in recovery, idrk.. thanks

Hi,

Sometimes overwork feels GOOD. Sometimes you are PRODUCTIVE and gaining more than just an income, you're gaining experience and disciplline. I know men in their 50's (I'd estimate) who work 80 hours a week. To me, that's too much. I protest that from a health perspective (and human rights perspective) but can see its benefits.

I used to work that much or more. I did so for years and years. Results: a salary, some kind of survival instinct established and a skill-set developed.

I don't know how else to put it.

On the flip side, people have strokes. If you are young and healthy enough, exercise included into your regimen prevents such things. So does healthy eating.

I'd DEFINITELY work a 60 hour workweek again. I feel BETTER because my body needs that much to be safe. While I worked 60 hours a week, I also used a gym at least 6 days a week. I felt much better than I have during the course of the last 3 weeks where I've fallen off into a suicidal-sleeper who can't get out of bed. I even stayed in a woman's shelter to save my money (saved up about 37,000$ really fast) and not pay rent. I went back to "school" when I was done and took a few years off to study (where my habits and discipline faded, rapidly).

My advice is to try it. If you don't feel good or your body isn't having it or you feel deprived of things like a "social life" a "home life" and don't feel nurtured enough STOP. Don't force yourself to do it.

I do well when I listen to my body. If I feel good, (mentally, physically, 6th sense) and I feel SAFE and like tomorrow I'll be safe in the projected future - I don't see threats, I see some padding around (retirement benefits, autonomy is allowed, freedom of movement, continued healthy habits that help me age well) me and project that this is going to be "good for me" I keep it up. If I don't, I stop.

You might try it. If you haven't worked that much before it might exhaust you like a gym routine would. If you need the money and have threats in your life like I do, your body and mind might thank you.

-R