Discussion Is it wrong to ctb over a girl?

[losthope123]

I really love this girl but she rejected me. I have spent the last year in complete misery. My "friends" don't really understand me at all. I don't feel life without her is worth living. Is this a justified reason to ctb? I know I will probably hurt some people by going through with it, but I just feel like I am long past the point of no return. It is her or bust.

 

[Ghost2211]

Hi friend, any reason that makes life not worth living for you is valid. you're the only one that lives your every day, so only you can know if it's worth continuing. How long ago did the girl you love reject you?

 

[losthope123]

Hi friend, any reason that makes life not worth living for you is valid. you're the only one that lives your every day, so only you can know if it's worth continuing. How long ago did the girl you love reject you?

About a year ago. I asked her on a date and she told me yes. Then she came up with a lie to get out of it. Unfortunately, I caught her in the lie and I have been miserable ever since. I still love her, you see. The only thing I know to do is give it one more try then ctb.

 

[Panna]

I don't feel life without her is worth living. Is this a justified reason to ctb?

Plenty of people ctb over a girl all the time, it's honestly a sick joke how they can do it and just go on with their lives. Also to parrot rosie, if it matters to you, that's all it takes to make it justified.

 

[Deleted member 22650]

I'm in the same situation as you man, I know i 5 years i might find someone else and blablabla but that's one of the reason why I want to CTB, my girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me and now I have trust issues and have a hard time interacting with anyone in general.

 

[Ghost2211]

About a year ago. I asked her on a date and she told me yes. Then she came up with a lie to get out of it. Unfortunately, I caught her in the lie and I have been miserable ever since. I still love her, you see. The only thing I know to do is give it one more try then ctb.

Wow, that's really unkind of her. Have you talked to her about this? If I'm being too nosey please feel free to let me know.

 

[losthope123]

I'm in the same situation as you man, I know i 5 years i might find someone else and blablabla but that's one of the reason why I want to CTB, my girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me and now I have trust issues and have a hard time interacting with anyone in general.

Exactly! Everyone told me I would simply "move on" like it is just this automatic thing that happens. But if you truly love someone I suppose you never do move on. That's how I feel towards her. She means everything to me even if she doesn't want me.

Wow, that's really unkind of her. Have you talked to her about this? If I'm being too nosey please feel free to let me know.

I tried confronting her about it last year. I ended up throwing up and that derailed the whole conversation. I wanted to at least tell her I loved her and get that off my chest. Instead I ended up humiliating myself even more.

 

[Deleted member 22650]

Exactly! Everyone told me I would simply "move on" like it is just this automatic thing that happens. But if you truly love someone I suppose you never do move on. That's how I feel towards her. She means everything to me even if she doesn't want me.

I tried confronting her about it last year. I ended up throwing up and that derailed the whole conversation. I wanted to at least tell her I loved her and get that off my chest. Instead I ended up humiliating myself even more.

probably because the average person doesn't have trouble to get into a relationship, if you don't dump people like they are disposable trash, it does in fact hurt when you push yourself through things your aren't confortable at first, the average person doesn't know what it is to put your heart onto someone because they have options.

 

[Life sucks]

There is no wrong reason. Its your personal experience and it can hurt a lot. Many people underestimate the pain and damage of that or anything else. I understand how its very painful and personally I got multiple deep psychological scars because of it and some of them made me want to ctb. Losing something or someone is very painful and shouldn't be underestimated.

 

[Ghost2211]

I tried confronting her about it last year. I ended up throwing up and that derailed the whole conversation. I wanted to at least tell her I loved her and get that off my chest. Instead I ended up humiliating myself even more.

I hope she showed empathy. Are you certain it's a lost cause with her? I mean if you never talked it out....

 

[dec132013]

Is it possible you have limerence? Its when you're literally addicted to a person, its often compared to ocd.

Perhaps look into treatments for addictions and try applying them to your addiction for her? Thats what I had to do, been obsessed for nearly 3 years but its finally fading. Feel free to message me for more info if needed

 

[Deleted member 22650]

Is it possible you have limerence? Its when you're literally addicted to a person, its often compared to ocd.

Perhaps look into treatments for addictions and try applying them to your addiction for her? Thats what I had to do, been obsessed for nearly 3 years but its finally fading. Feel free to message me for more info if needed

Just masturbate when you feel the urge to talk to her, you will think clearer after that lol, nah im kidding

 

[losthope123]

I hope she showed empathy. Are you certain it's a lost cause with her? I mean if you never talked it out....

Well I am going to try one more time. It has been a year and I still see her a lot because I have classes with her (we are the same major). I think that is part of what has made this so hard for me. I see her all the time and I get reminded of it all the time. She has been friendlier to me than she was initially after it all, so I am at least going to give it one more try. I mean she can't hurt any more than she did before right?

Is it possible you have limerence? Its when you're literally addicted to a person, its often compared to ocd.

Perhaps look into treatments for addictions and try applying them to your addiction for her? Thats what I had to do, been obsessed for nearly 3 years but its finally fading. Feel free to message me for more info if needed

I don't know. I have never heard of that before.

 

[Ghost2211]

Well I am going to try one more time. It has been a year and I still see her a lot because I have classes with her (we are the same major). I think that is part of what has made this so hard for me. I see her all the time and I get reminded of it all the time. She has been friendlier to me than she was initially after it all, so I am at least going to give it one more try. I mean she can't hurt any more than she did before right?

Good to hear you'll give it one more go. I hope it goes well for you.

 

[losthope123]

Is it possible you have limerence? Its when you're literally addicted to a person, its often compared to ocd.

Perhaps look into treatments for addictions and try applying them to your addiction for her? Thats what I had to do, been obsessed for nearly 3 years but its finally fading. Feel free to message me for more info if needed

Just going off initial google searches though, I don't think so. While I do think of her a lot I have still been mostly productive from an academic since (which is what people tell me should be most important at this stage of my life). What I found on google seems to suggest that limerence causes you to not be able to complete other tasks. My issue is I just don't feel as if other things are worth it if I am not with her.

 

[dec132013]

I don't know. I have never heard of that before.

Im awful at explaining so I'll straight up copy and paste the wiki

Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

It's incredibly hard to manage, but it is possible to get over the person (referred to as LOs/Limerent objects) you're constantly thinking of. Theres a support community on reddit and discord

Just going off initial google searches though, I don't think so. While I do think of her a lot I have still been mostly productive from an academic since (which is what people tell me should be most important at this stage of my life). What I found on google seems to suggest that limerence causes you to not be able to complete other tasks. My issue is I just don't feel as if other things are worth it if I am not with her.

tbh while im not a professional i feel it could be limerence if its making you suicidal, even if you dont follow every symptom exactly. While I definitely thought of my lo incredibly often even at its worst I could still at least function in school, I was just really miserable. If its not maybe similar treatments could still help your situation?

 

[ZeroChance888]

Is it possible you have limerence? Its when you're literally addicted to a person, its often compared to ocd.

Perhaps look into treatments for addictions and try applying them to your addiction for her? Thats what I had to do, been obsessed for nearly 3 years but its finally fading. Feel free to message me for more info if needed

Limerence is a goddamn soul crusher.

 

[RealHumanBean]

I just went through a breakup; I understand the feeling of love not being/no longer being reciprocated. It is soul-crushing and can leave you unable to function.

You can't pin your whole life on another person. That person has NO obligation to be in your life. People are autonomous and will do whatever the fuck they want to, and you can too. The only person guaranteed to always be in your life is you. Everyone else comes and goes, it's not always fair or rational, and it often hurts when people leave. It's up to you to either live your life paralyzed by it or make an effort to seek out new people. There are other people out there who are seeking too. Find someone who wants to be in your life.

 

[Lordsudbury]

I'm in the same boat; and I also suffer from "limerance." I was with a very high value woman from work that was the object of my attention for years; tall, feminine, funny, lights up a room, alpha female shit. Finally ended up together for like a year long secret affair.

She told me the day before my birthday that she was afraid of feelings with me and didn't want to see me romantically anymore. She was bawling. My ego flared up and I just deleted her and gave her the silent treatment.

It was awful behaviour and I knew it. Super toxic. So of course I came back groveling weeks later. We tried making amends but I kept pushing the button. It spiraled hard for me, I made 5 suicide attempts this summer, hospitalized, quit all my jobs, traveled for 2 months and now I live in Mexico. Have ptsd just thinking about her.

Unbelievable how a loving relationship can become a source of tragedy so quickly. Pay attention to how you react to things.

The shame is so hard Ive been suicidal for months my life will never be the same.

TLDR: same, a girl, hmu if u wanna rant

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

How long and how well did you know this woman before you asked her out?

 

[ARW3N]

Human beings are social animals and much of their self-worth is heavily dependent on other people. Wanting to CTB after a relationship breakdown is a theme that frequently pops up on SS. We seem to think of sociality as a supremely positive attribute compared to the solitary animal's self-sufficiency. However, the fact that we derive our self-worth from others is just as problematic as ageing and mortality.

 

[HadEnough1974]

I really love this girl but she rejected me. I have spent the last year in complete misery. My "friends" don't really understand me at all. I don't feel life without her is worth living. Is this a justified reason to ctb? I know I will probably hurt some people by going through with it, but I just feel like I am long past the point of no return. It is her or bust.

I understand how you feel. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please allow me to share with you something I learned, the hard way. Are you ready? Here it is:

"if you like someone, and they don't like you back in the same way, there is NOTHING you can do about it."

I came to understand that falling "in love" involves two people feeling the same way for each other.

Once I came to this realization, I got better and moved on. It may not be what you want to hear at this very moment, but it's what I learned, the hard way! Hope it helps.

 

[AJ95]

I really don't want to invalidate your sadness here but I have to be honest, if you're killing yourself because a girl rejected you then you should probably give life a bit more of a chance than that.

You sound like you're probably young, there are literally billions of girls in the world and being rejected by one isn't worth killing yourself over.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Came to this thread to say I'm suffering in a similar way. I never learned about limerence until now but it's exactly how I've felt over three different girls over the course of over 15 years. It hurts so much every time but I guess only you can really decide if CTB is right for you. You might have to look at yourself and figure out how likely it is for you to actually be into someone else? It would be quite a shame if you really did have the potential to actually be happier with someone completely different. I'm a bit of a hypocrite though since I'm not very good at doing that myself at all.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Welcome to the club. I still can't get over a girl from highschool who I didn't even approach. I still dream of her some nights. So, so sad.

 

[nitroautnz]

As much as I agree with people saying that you should give life another chance if the rejection is the only reason for ctb, saying that their a plenty of other people is unhelpful if not hurtful, because everyone is unique. And the person that you love, you will never find the same one, so I can partially understand this reason for ctb.

 

[LastFlowers]

But why do you love her? You were never even in a relationship with her? Or were you?
I am confused. Do you mean you were simply attracted to her? Did you even truly know her? Do you want to ctb all because of this one girl or because there are reasons you don't think you can try with someone else? Think about the reasons you even like her, why is someone who rejected you worth your life? What was your life like before you even knew she existed?

You sound awful young. I feel like there is more going on here, yes, everyone has the right to die and is affected by things in different ways, but personally I would not take my life because of another person alone. They can certainly contribute to the torture but they will never be the sole reason, it would have to be-and is-an unfixable, on-going reason to do with my own being. Even though it's not my fault, it's still my own personal contentment and happiness that needs to thrive before anything else can. So is there perhaps more going on with you, or your life situation that makes you more vulnerable and fragile to being rejected? I understand not being able to bounce back from the hits life gives when there is nothing else to lean back on. If you don't have other basic things sorted out within yourself and your everyday life, family life, etc then any other endeavor you seek or any other relationship you attempt to create will be built on shaky ground. You do not want to end up THAT dependent on someone and live on the fence your whole life, waiting with bated breath, to feel any worth only at one other person's behest.

I have had family members and friends treat me like utter garbage yet throw themselves down to their knees when an SO walks into the picture, even just a potential one. I witness the obsession and how it spits in the face of every other relationship the person has and even the individuality of the person I know. And yea, considering what I've had to deal with in my life..if someone I knew killed themselves over an SO, I would be pissed. Not even sad, just pissed. Especially when life has been so good to them compared to me. But I have a feeling that's not the case for you..or am I wrong? Because I still don't think I know anyone with any amount of privilege or pleasantry in their life who would say "it's her or bust" in regards to killing themselves. That's an awfully narrow and severe thought process without any other context...?

I am not going to tell you being rejected, in any form, is easy. It's not. You may always remember it, even if one day your life is on track and you are in a relationship with someone else, the pain of rejection or any trauma can still come back to haunt you. This is not even uncommon, and it will hurt more the younger you are and the less affirmative responses you have to dilute the rejections with. But think about what's really going on here, what are the other factors at play causing you to beeline only for this girl and stake your life on her answer to you? Why is it you cannot try to ask anyone else in the future? It seems futile to keep asking someone who already rejected you, almost like you are just looking for the final straw to be done with a life that probably has more shit going on than just some girl.

I'm in the same boat; and I also suffer from "limerance." I was with a very high value woman from work that was the object of my attention for years; tall, feminine, funny, lights up a room, alpha female shit. Finally ended up together for like a year long secret affair.

She told me the day before my birthday that she was afraid of feelings with me and didn't want to see me romantically anymore. She was bawling. My ego flared up and I just deleted her and gave her the silent treatment.

It was awful behaviour and I knew it. Super toxic. So of course I came back groveling weeks later. We tried making amends but I kept pushing the button. It spiraled hard for me, I made 5 suicide attempts this summer, hospitalized, quit all my jobs, traveled for 2 months and now I live in Mexico. Have ptsd just thinking about her.

Unbelievable how a loving relationship can become a source of tragedy so quickly. Pay attention to how you react to things.

The shame is so hard Ive been suicidal for months my life will never be the same.

TLDR: same, a girl, hmu if u wanna rant

Your problem begins when you start labeling someone as a "very high value woman".

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Personally, I don't think most external reasons are worth CTB over, in general, be it a lost GF/BF, divorce, lost job, lost wealth, etc.

I can see facing homelessness as a reason. I can potentially see losing complete custody of children were one is to be blocked 100% from visitation as a reason. Facing long term incarnation in an American high level prison as a reason. And, some other external unique, case by case reasons to consider CTB might seem reasonable in my eyes.

I easily identify and agree with CTB for physical and mental health issues when chronic, incurable, and life altering.

Anyone so distraught over losing a GF or BF to consider CTB over this loss, I suggest that perhaps you weren't adequately equipped to enter into a relationship in the first place, and thus, you need to be extremely proactive in healing and proactive in how you go about your next relationship(s). No doubt this concept might hurt.

Healing likely requires professional help.

There are 7.7 billion people on the planet last time I counted. As unique as your GF or BF seemed to you, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest she/he is replaceable. I'm 100% replaceable, as well, and this awareness serves me well and helps govern my behavior within each relationship I've ever entered.

These are just my own personal thoughts. If you completely disagree and want to advocate that I have no idea because I did not personally know your "Joey or your Julie" that's fine. We can agree to disagree.

Peace, and I hope you rediscover happiness.

 

[262653]

Your problem begins when you start labeling someone as a "very high value woman".

Why do you think it is his problem? The way I understood the phrase is that he has assessed her as a highly valuable person to ally with, and that it could greatly benefit him to be in intimate relationship with such woman, though it's still not clear to me what kind of intimate relationship @losthope123 was hoping for.

 

[Infinite Conscious]

But if you truly love someone I suppose you never do move on. That's how I feel towards her. She means everything to me even if she doesn't want me.

I tried confronting her about it last year. I ended up throwing up and that derailed the whole conversation. I wanted to at least tell her I loved her and get that off my chest. Instead I ended up humiliating myself even more.

What exactly do you love about her?

I could go on, but I will stop here, with this question, although I am quite certain you don't have the answer.
If you reply, I will continue... but I don't really think you'd want me to.

But why do you love her? You were never even in a relationship with her? Or were you?
I am confused. Do you mean you were simply attracted to her? Did you even truly know her? Do you want to ctb all because of this one girl or because there are reasons you don't think you can try with someone else? Think about the reasons you even like her, why is someone who rejected you worth your life? What was your life like before you even knew she existed?

You sound awful young. I feel like there is more going on here, yes, everyone has the right to die and is affected by things in different ways, but personally I would not take my life because of another person alone. They can certainly contribute to the torture but they will never be the sole reason, it would have to be-and is-an unfixable, on-going reason to do with my own being. Even though it's not my fault, it's still my own personal contentment and happiness that needs to thrive before anything else can. So is there perhaps more going on with you, or your life situation that makes you more vulnerable and fragile to being rejected? I understand not being able to bounce back from the hits life gives when there is nothing else to lean back on. If you don't have other basic things sorted out within yourself and your everyday life, family life, etc then any other endeavor you seek or any other relationship you attempt to create will be built on shaky ground. You do not want to end up THAT dependent on someone and live on the fence your whole life, waiting with bated breath, to feel any worth only at one other person's behest.

I have had family members and friends treat me like utter garbage yet throw themselves down to their knees when an SO walks into the picture, even just a potential one. I witness the obsession and how it spits in the face of every other relationship the person has and even the individuality of the person I know. And yea, considering what I've had to deal with in my life..if someone I knew killed themselves over an SO, I would be pissed. Not even sad, just pissed. Especially when life has been so good to them compared to me. But I have a feeling that's not the case for you..or am I wrong? Because I still don't think I know anyone with any amount of privilege or pleasantry in their life who would say "it's her or bust" in regards to killing themselves. That's an awfully narrow and severe thought process without any other context...?

I am not going to tell you being rejected, in any form, is easy. It's not. You may always remember it, even if one day your life is on track and you are in a relationship with someone else, the pain of rejection or any trauma can still come back to haunt you. This is not even uncommon, and it will hurt more the younger you are and the less affirmative responses you have to dilute the rejections with. But think about what's really going on here, what are the other factors at play causing you to beeline only for this girl and stake your life on her answer to you? Why is it you cannot try to ask anyone else in the future? It seems futile to keep asking someone who already rejected you, almost like you are just looking for the final straw to be done with a life that probably has more shit going on than just some girl.

Your problem begins when you start labeling someone as a "very high value woman".

Thank you.
I was going to write all this, but now saw that somebody already has.