is it wrong morally to date as a suicidal person?

[rammi77]

I posted that my boyfriend found out I use this site, didn't really mention I was suicidal or anything just generally was talking about it. i wouldn't class myself as suicidal but a commenter said I should show some empathy and just break up with him already. I'm curious about that, are suicidal people unable to date? Are they unlovable? I never thought that before but it did make me flustered so I'd like other opinions

 

[befree]

"is it wrong morally to date as a suicidal person?"

Yes. It's like playing with other people's emotions.

 

[rammi77]

"is it wrong morally to date as a suicidal person?"

Yes. It's like playing with other people's emotions.

How so?

 

[アホペンギン]

Suicidal people are lovable, like everyone else. But, its wrong to date one of them, especially if you're suicidal yourself dating someone. If you're planning to ctb soon it will impact your significant other a lot once your ctb date comes and you ctb. Its wrong to date while being suicidal, especially if you're planning on leaving soon. If you ever plan on leaving soon you should leave your boyfriend before you ctb, preferably a while before.

How so?

They think you'll stay alive, they're planning on advancing the relationship, making plans for the future, and suddenly you disappear.

 

[didntmeantohauntyou]

As long as you dont get into the relationship with a plan and a date then i dont think its morally wrong. You're trying to be loved maybe that will fix you. What is wrong is killing yourself in front of your partner or even where your partner would find you, youd have to ctb at a hotel or something if it came to that, better a random hotel staff finding a random dead body than somebody finding their partners body. Idk honestly now that i think about it its complicated but i just dont feel like its morally correct to deprive anyone of love, especially the people that need it the most

 

[day]

My bus is set to arrive in a few months and I truly dislike letting people in. I'm very open with my plan if people show interest in me however even then it feels wrong. Thankfully I've yet to cave in and start "dating" someone and truly feel I won't be morally able to for as long as I plan CTB.

Dating new people really just sounds selfish to me, dating period does too.

 

[Monique696]

I posted that my boyfriend found out I use this site, didn't really mention I was suicidal or anything just generally was talking about it. i wouldn't class myself as suicidal but a commenter said I should show some empathy and just break up with him already. I'm curious about that, are suicidal people unable to date? Are they unlovable? I never thought that before but it did make me flustered so I'd like other opinions

My husband used to be suicidal when we met. He was very broken and even had attempts before we met.
Sometimes it works out for the best. 8 years later and here I am but still. It was worth it. And who knows maybe I will stick around longer. If the symptoms stay in check and chill for once I can easily do another day for the time being.
It is your life. No need to isolate yourself just because you are suicidal. No need to feel all alone during your last days/months/decades (who knows of ever or maybe its a close fail and poof you have a near death experience and feel like new born. Stranger things have happened).
If possible and you can trust each other talk. Talk about it.
It's painful but it works. It makes sense to play with open cards. At least when it comes to dating in my opinion.
Maybe let him know if it feels right.
I bet you are very lovable and I am always happy when two broken souls find each other.
It's wonderful to heal

 

[befree]

How so?

Oh God, make it rain brains !

 

[benzol]

(re #5) Yes, I agree. reading the title (dating), I dont think it is fair to do that.
In the first comment however it is about a existing relationship. I think a partner could understand it if there are no other ways than CTB in certain situations. However he/she might think that he/she is not loved enough because the other person will CTB. The best would be to be able to speak open about it and get compassion. But this rarely happens.

 

[busybee]

It is. The guilt of wanting to go and what it would do to him is one of my main reasonsto stay.

 

[Waterr]

My initial reply wouldve been "Its ok to date as a suicidal person, someone whos suicidal is just as loveable as any other".
But then it got me thinking, youd impact that person negatively, if i was going to ctb soon i wouldve very much broken up with them and gave them time to recover/get over me before i attempt. I wouldnt say its us not being loveable, its moreso thinking about things in the long term. If i was with someone now, them knowing id suicide one day would destroy them inside and out, i just honestly think it wouldnt be fair dating. I guess thats why i shouldnt and havent dated for a few months now going strong.

 

[prezmyl]

I used to date and had very close relationship that was weighted by my conditions(extrem ptsd, psycospiritual crises) and I was fighting it, looking for a solution, ways out and at the same time I felt like if I do not find the solution, then we cannot be together I have to protect her from my suffering, we broke up I forced it prematurely. Next day I hit to something that might have been the resolution(new therapy), but I did not fully recognize that at the time, aslo becasue my mind was in constant survival mode and I was alone, no other people including previous therapist did not care that much they would help me with this searching for a solution. Then life went to hell again. Many years later I found that solution again and went for it this time and it was it, finally doing something. Probably It could have been already back then if I had not been alone back then, back then when life still had some sense for me.

Also for traumatized person is much harder to resolve a trauma or some overwhelming experience when alone. Since the close person you trust, make your nervous system unfreeze from freeze mode, since the sense of closeness occupies very same nervous pathway as freeze mode would otherwise. And a touch and closeness creates resources for nervous system, thus building up its capacity, which properly utilize, can resolve the trauma.

so no, I would not break up again prematurely, if the other person is informed up to some extent and is still also interesting in being with you, I would stay, but that is me now speaking.

 

[passivethought121]

I don't think suicidal people are unlovable, but as one, I wouldn't date. On the chances that I do find a partner, I'd be suffer from the guilt that comes with causing them pain. Or I'd be annoyed when I finally open up and they start being very pro-life.

 

[John Ryder]

I think it really depends. Tbh I think most all facets of interpersonal relationships occupy a kind of moral grey area when active ideation is in the mix. If you're merely seeking hookups for superficial distraction and that mentality/intent is mutual in both parties, I don't see much of an issue. People seek that out all the time while withholding substantial parts of themselves. That's usually the idea in fact, fun without the baggage. I don't see how ideation or even planning is noteworthy in this context. When you actively seek out distraction under the pretense of a more traditional romantic relationship is when it gets messy to me. At that point it feels deceptive and exploitative. The former because you're potentially fostering hope and expectation in the other party for something more meaningful and long term than you intend, and the latter because you're essentially capitalizing on their desire for connection and intimacy to use them as an emotional crutch and distraction in your waning days. Of course a lot of this depends on how far along and solidified your plans are. I think either purely platonic or friends with benefits arrangements with intention and boundaries clarified up front is probably the most honest play there.

Ideation/planning in the context of an established relationship is the most complicated to me. To my mind the ideal course action (cutting things off and creating distance, telling all etc) would depend on the circumstances and dynamics of the relationship. Ideally one would be able to open up completely about this kind of thing out of respect for one's partner, but I get the argument for keeping it close to the chest on account of the high likelihood of conflict of interest. Ultimately I'd personally tend to judge someone in an established relationship who opts to withhold the extent of their ideation less harshly than someone who strings a new "partner" along for a few months before ctb.

The notion of whether a suicidal person is "lovable" is a topic unto itself and mostly unrelated to the moral implications but the short answer is of course. People are loved, adored and respected by others despite all kinds of baggage. Why would suicidality be any different?

 

[rammi77]

My husband used to be suicidal when we met. He was very broken and even had attempts before we met.
Sometimes it works out for the best. 8 years later and here I am but still. It was worth it. And who knows maybe I will stick around longer. If the symptoms stay in check and chill for once I can easily do another day for the time being.
It is your life. No need to isolate yourself just because you are suicidal. No need to feel all alone during your last days/months/decades (who knows of ever or maybe its a close fail and poof you have a near death experience and feel like new born. Stranger things have happened).
If possible and you can trust each other talk. Talk about it.
It's painful but it works. It makes sense to play with open cards. At least when it comes to dating in my opinion.
Maybe let him know if it feels right.
I bet you are very lovable and I am always happy when two broken souls find each other.
It's wonderful to heal

Yeah I thought so too, we've been together for only three years but he's really helped me and he knows everything about me pretty much. I was thinking about doing it when we met, so long ago, but since being together I feel truly happy. Thankfully he wholeheartedly disagrees with the comment that I should break up just because I use the site

 

[shatteredlife]

I think it is ok to form any kind of relationship while wanting to CTB. As long as you do not rely on that relationship to keep you here. I do not think it is ok to hold someone emotionally hostage. For example letting someone fall in love with you and then trying to have them believe that staying with you is keeping you alive so that they stay. I do not think it is ok to put someone in the position that they cannot act according to their feelings/wishes because they fear your actions. Although I do believe that it is ok to confide our plans/feelings to them because they might be able to help us. Some of us want to CTB but we do not really want to CTB we want it to get better. a happy relationship might make it a little better.

 

[tora]

it only is if you're planning to go through with CTB. if you start dating someone while having plans to CTB, that's very selfish. if you just struggle with suicidal thoughts but don't plan to take any action on them, there's no problem with that.

 

[MidnightGloom]

This is what I think as someone who has never wanted a relationship in general.

While it may be harmful to the other person, I don't believe it's morally wrong to date when you're suicidal. It isn't wrong to want to be loved by someone, and it isn't wrong to try to love somebody else despite your desperate situation or unhappiness. I even think it is fine to remain in a relationship while making plans to CTB. If I had a relationship. Suicidal people are humans too. They aren't morally wrong or despicable for leaving someone behind in search of peace for themselves. Still, if you want to get together with someone, it'd be best to talk to them and ask them if they can stand dating you knowing that one day you might leave them.

This is just from the perspective of someone who has never loved another person.

 

[Kerrtu]

I broke things off with my partner earlier this evening. It wasn't easy - I've been trying to break things off for a WHILE. What I intended to be a one night stand turned into a 5 year relationship, maybe a bit less. I was visiting friends for Christmas and NYE, my last hurrah before I was planning to CTB. I hadn't had sex in a long time, so I asked a friend at the party if the plug was cute and he said he was. I asked if he thought he'd be down to hook up and yeah…

As Rick James wisely said: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

We hooked up, it was good, but next day he asked if I'd go to Petco to get crickets for his Gecko. I went, and he held my hand in the store and that's when I was started having conflicting feelings. I liked that he held my hand, I thought it was a cute gesture, but I was anxious to get back to my friends place.

I didn't want to be in a relationship but I fell for him hard in a matter of a few weeks. I do regret not ending it when he insulted me - he made a pretty rude comment about me, to me, early in and I was thinking hold on…stop, collaborate and listen…get the fuck out of this situation (the remix nobody asked for)

Anyway - I ended it tonight. It's over.

Next weekend, my bus will finally arrive.

 

[Maeve]

"is it wrong morally to date as a suicidal person?"

Yes. It's like playing with other people's emotions.

Wtf noooo

I mean if you have a plan and a date of ctb then maby not ok

 

[enough of this]

I posted that my boyfriend found out I use this site, didn't really mention I was suicidal or anything just generally was talking about it. i wouldn't class myself as suicidal but a commenter said I should show some empathy and just break up with him already. I'm curious about that, are suicidal people unable to date? Are they unlovable? I never thought that before but it did make me flustered so I'd like other opinions

Of course it doesn't make you unable to date. Quite the contrary. Your interaction with your partner could lead you to other ground - places that could give you more pleasing options.

Please continue dating. You're too valuable to lose.

All the best.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I posted that my boyfriend found out I use this site, didn't really mention I was suicidal or anything just generally was talking about it. i wouldn't class myself as suicidal but a commenter said I should show some empathy and just break up with him already. I'm curious about that, are suicidal people unable to date? Are they unlovable? I never thought that before but it did make me flustered so I'd like other opinions

I think every situation is different. Is it morally wrong no. If he is suicidal in a new relationship is it going to potentially cause problems for both of you? Hell yeah. If he is seriously suicidal.... You are almost asking to have your heart broken. As far as are suicidal people unlovable? I think it's more often the opposite they are unloved though this isn't necessarily the case... There seems to be multiple parties on the site. People who have had tragic events occur that have ended that are hard to process, people going through tragic events with seemingly no end, and people who have never or haven't felt happy in an exceptionally long time because of neurochemical reasons. While these aren't mutually exclusive... It does lend itself to why. The first is difficult because the events were so terrible, the second is difficult because the events are hard to get through and if was going to be solved it would've already. and the third is difficult for obvious reasons. Lastly, there is multiple parties on here as well... People who aren't actively looking to CTB, people who are contemplating and would or wouldn't for a variety of factors, and people who are deadset on it you aren't going to change their minds.

Hope this helps. I wish for the best for both of you.

 

[bipolar22]

its like asking "is it wrong for a suicidal person to eat food ". or "is it wrong for a severe obese person to date. since they have mortality risk."
of course not. people who date you make their own decisions. if they see red flags for them they can leave. dont see why you would be responsible for them.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally, I think it depends. If they know you have ideation from the start- they know there's a very real risk you could CTB but- they still want to enjoy what time you have together- that's their own choice.

I think there's also a difference between being passively and actively suicidal. I think it's only fair to let a partner know about anything like depression, ideation etc. If someone is actively suicidal- as in- fairly sure they will CTB at some point, actively looking for methods- I would say it would be highly questionable for them to date.

If- like other people have pointed out- the partner is emotionally investing in your future together and assuming you are doing the same- to me- that does seem cruel. They are just being used then as an emotional crutch/ comfort and then discarded at the end. That doesn't seem fair to me. It's the equivalent of saying- would you dupe someone into experiencing something really traumatic? That does sound pretty immoral to me.

Of course- the whole idea of 'recovery' is where it gets complicated. When people are thinking they might have another bash at life- forming all kinds of relationships- including romantic ones is very likely recommended. People like therapists WANT people to have a support group who care about them. I suppose the problem is- when people form these new relationships in the hopes of recovering but- the ideation returns. In that case- their choice was made initially with the best of intentions before it all went wrong.

 

[TheDog_]

I dunno. My boyfriend knows I want to die, but he stays and loves me anyway. I have asked him to leave because I know I hurt him, but he does not. He just wants to be with me. I'm grateful. I guess I am very selfish.

 

[UKscotty]

For me yes it's not good.

Once someone is suicidal, no matter how 'well' they get or if they recover, it's highly likely they will still die by suicide at some point when they inevitably relapse.

It just plays with other people's emotions. I wouldn't want someone suicidal in my life, we are a burden. Same as someone shouldn't have me in theirs.

 

[Dead Already]

The best relationships are based on mutual trust and respect for each other.
Just be absolutely honest, nothing morally wrong with that at all.
If the other person doesn't respect your choices, we'll it probably wasn't a good hook up for either, anyway.
Definitely don't deny yourself any small pleasures that may make life just a little more bearable.
Simply be honest, it's the best that one can do.

 

[Nezumi04]

"is it wrong morally to date as a suicidal person?"

Just from personal experience... I don't think so, as long as you're not actively planning to go through with it. I've always had suicidal-negative tendencies from having a traumatic past, childhood. But, when I had met a partner that I felt loved me... I think it calmed down those kinds of thoughts, even if it'd still come up sometimes - because, I would never want go through with it, since I knew it'd be hurtful to my partner. So, it actually motivated or at least made me stay alive as long as I continued to be coupled with them... I'd keep trying at life, and seeing where it took me because I felt like I wasn't struggling alone at least (almost like they were my anchor). Plus, I cared about them, so I didn't want to hurt-traumatize them if I suddenly just died while we were together.

Now that I'm not really dating anyone seriously, I no longer have a reason to stop myself. Having plans to CBT, actually makes me hesitant to get involved with anyone now, because it could stall or stop me from going through with it... and I'm kinda just tired of living.

I think being truly loved can be healing.... but, you would need to be open to that kind of change in the first place. I think when someone has become totally set on CBTing no matter what though, they've already closed themselves off from others, and from recovering.

 

[Monique696]

I dunno. My boyfriend knows I want to die, but he stays and loves me anyway. I have asked him to leave because I know I hurt him, but he does not. He just wants to be with me. I'm grateful. I guess I am very selfish.

We are not selfish because you crave death. We are not selfish because we don't want the ones we care for to die.
It's just love. There are so many different types of love and also you wanting to end your life here on earth is an act of self love. To end the pain. Yet maybe your boyfriend will be by your side until the end. Doesn't mean either one of you is selfish. There is no end date. No finish line.
No one would think that fishermen are selfish for having a wife and kids when many die each year regardless of their age.
Just take every day as it comes and try to enjoy it. Maybe you will experience a handful more of lovely memories for the day when you go.
Life review can be fun. No need to miss out on so much just because of a shorter life(by choice in this case).

 

[catotoctb]

I posted that my boyfriend found out I use this site, didn't really mention I was suicidal or anything just generally was talking about it. i wouldn't class myself as suicidal but a commenter said I should show some empathy and just break up with him already. I'm curious about that, are suicidal people unable to date? Are they unlovable? I never thought that before but it did make me flustered so I'd like other opinions

I'm in your same situation. My partner knows what i'm going through and they still loving me and taking care of me. It feel like shit sometimes because i don't want to harm them but it's beautiful and relieve having someone as special as them because in my situation, makes me feel little less overwhelmed with life and keeps me going having them at my side, telling me everything is going to be fine.