Help Is it worth it?

[relapse]

I'm unsure if this fits here I'm sorry if it doesn't.
So basically I have to postpone CTB for another year due to multiple factors (lack of available methods to me, don't want to leave partner alone) and the thing is, I know by heart that I'm going to do it eventually but with my current circumstances I think I might choose to recover. My chest tightens at the thought of life getting better for me, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm doing a disservice to myself for choosing recovery even if it's just for now, I've been waiting for so long to finally be able to ctb and knowing I can't until at least next year crushes me. I'm terrified of the future and for everything to fall into place just for it to break down again in no time. I'm also scared of any shot I might have at happiness because they might ruin my plan in the near future. I really don't know what to do but I can't keep living the way I am right now, I'm practically not doing anything with my life, just waiting for it to end. I can't fucking do that for one more year. I want to try to make my life slightly more okay until my partner leaves or I can get SN but I honestly don't know if those two things contradict themselves. I just want to feel okay for a bit even if it doesn't last long and try out things until I can't anymore, I want to get my interests back and not be the hollow person I currently happen to be.

 

[whywere]

I 100% know how you feel. 1st off I am 69 years old, and I mention this ONLY because I have had decades of what you are thinking and going through. I have had 2 attempts and more roller coaster twists in life than anyone should ever have, from being homeless and hungry at 18 to having an ex-wife who gambled or at least tried to everything away, to gall bladder cancer now 24/7 chronic pain from a car crash and the crash was one of those wrong places at the wrong time events.

Every day I work at it, as one aspect that helps me to this site and being able to help others with a smile and a pat on the back.

I 100% hope that you find happiness in this world, as what I gathered from your thread is just how loving and kind you are, not only to yourself BUT others. This world needs more folks like YOU.

Yes, I have had highs and lows since 1974, well actually all the years growing up, BUT the highs, a lovely sunrise, a lovely sunset, and colorful bird floating through the sky, all the wonders of just nature and everything else makes it all worth it. Then add in all the beautiful souls here, including YOU and yep, it is worth it.

So many hugs, love and kind thoughts to you with vibrant blue skies my good friend.

Walter

 

[relapse]

I 100% know how you feel. 1st off I am 69 years old, and I mention this ONLY because I have had decades of what you are thinking and going through. I have had 2 attempts and more roller coaster twists in life than anyone should ever have, from being homeless and hungry at 18 to having an ex-wife who gambled or at least tried to everything away, to gall bladder cancer now 24/7 chronic pain from a car crash and the crash was one of those wrong places at the wrong time events.

Every day I work at it, as one aspect that helps me to this site and being able to help others with a smile and a pat on the back.

I 100% hope that you find happiness in this world, as what I gathered from your thread is just how loving and kind you are, not only to yourself BUT others. This world needs more folks like YOU.

Yes, I have had highs and lows since 1974, well actually all the years growing up, BUT the highs, a lovely sunrise, a lovely sunset, and colorful bird floating through the sky, all the wonders of just nature and everything else makes it all worth it. Then add in all the beautiful souls here, including YOU and yep, it is worth it.

So many hugs, love and kind thoughts to you with vibrant blue skies my good friend.

Walter

This is a very kind message, I can't thank you for it enough. You're a good person.

 

[Tumblewillow]

Yes, it is worth trying. I was unhappy for so long that I forgot what joy felt like, but when I started recovery I began to feel it again. When you feel good emotions after being numb or sad for so long they are just immense, and they've never dulled.
I still have really, really bad days but the good days are enough to stay trying to recover right now.

If you have to wait one year you may as well give it a go. A baby step in any positive direction could change not only your life for the better, but other people's too. I think Walter is right, the world needs more people like you!