Is it weird that I want to feel worse?

[wnbFemboy]

i feel like i am not allowed to feel this bad as i am. i only have a couple of things that had affected my mental and it feels like they are nothing compared to real problems people here have. i have no major reason to feel suicidal, it is just how i feel
and by feeling worse i mean like i wish i had some rough mental illness or some trauma. i feel so bad to the people that are suffering from them. i wish i could exchange my life and mental to someones real trauma to make them feel better.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Everyone has the right to feel emotions. No matter what they are or what causes them. It's not a competition. There are certainly some people on here in utterly dreadful circumstances. Still, none of us know how other people would fair if they had our lives. Maybe they would crumble too. Maybe they would thrive. Kind of pointless to consider though because it's you who has to live your life.

I think it's important to consider WHY we end up like we do. Maybe your circumstances are relatively ok now- but for whatever reason, your ability to cope with life is diminished. That isn't necessarily your fault. Why do we blame people for not being able to cope in life? It doesn't seem fair.

 

[FuneralCry]

People should be allowed to feel as bad as they wish to, all suffering is valid even if other people are in more torturous situations.

 

[Unknown21]

Not weird, i also wanna feel worse bc this will trigger me.

 

[wnbFemboy]

Everyone has the right to feel emotions. No matter what they are or what causes them. It's not a competition. There are certainly some people on here in utterly dreadful circumstances. Still, none of us know how other people would fair if they had our lives. Maybe they would crumble too. Maybe they would thrive. Kind of pointless to consider though because it's you who has to live your life.

I think it's important to consider WHY we end up like we do. Maybe your circumstances are relatively ok now- but for whatever reason, your ability to cope with life is diminished. That isn't necessarily your fault. Why do we blame people for not being able to cope in life? It doesn't seem fair.

but isn't it like kinda "fucked up" and weird that i like literally want to have trauma or some other thing that is making millions of people suffer? i hate myself for this

 

[ShotgunShell]

It's called emotional self harm.

 

[Forever Sleep]

but isn't it like kinda "fucked up" and weird that i like literally want to have trauma or some other thing that is making millions of people suffer? i hate myself for this

I've heard people say they want to feel worse in order to give them the push they 'need' to CTB. Is it that kind of feeling? Or, is it that you feel nothing- so, feeling something- even something intensely bad would feel 'welcome'? I don't know really. Some religious people actually want to suffer. Someone I worked with once said when she was younger, she hoped she would have a hard life because it was more pious or something. Lol.

Maybe because you feel bad, you wish you had something that would justify it to everyone else. Like- an excuse. (Not that you need one- like I mentioned before- we all have a right to feel what we feel.)

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I don't think it's weird or wrong to feel that way. I feel shitty all the time, even though there are people way worse off than I am, but I'm always wishing I could take their pain from them and then ctb or just ctb so other people can feel less miserable. I guess in my case, it's because I legitimately don't care what happens to me anymore, but I like the idea of being able to sacrifice myself for someone else.

 

[wnbFemboy]

It's called emotional self harm.

oh, that can explain it.

Maybe because you feel bad, you wish you had something that would justify it to everyone else. Like- an excuse.

this is it.

I don't think it's weird or wrong to feel that way. I feel shitty all the time, even though there are people way worse off than I am, but I'm always wishing I could take their pain from them and then ctb or just ctb so other people can feel less miserable. I guess in my case, it's because I legitimately don't care what happens to me anymore, but I like the idea of being able to sacrifice myself for someone else.

i feel pretty much the same as you described. it would be "awesome"? definitely not the right word, to help someone by getting their illnesses etc

 

[trashprincess]

For most of my life, I've fantasized about being brutalized.

At first it was because I didn't understand that I had any problems in my life. I felt pain, and was never able to do anything right, but I just thought it was all my fault. So I wanted trauma to provide an explanation for why I feel the way I did.

Now I hate myself, and see trauma as sort of a.. baptism. Like it would make me clean, and worthy of love. Because I'll have atonned for my sins.

At this point I recognize that I've been miserable my whole life. It's what makes sense to me. So I "want" more of it, as it's one of the only things my brain will accept.

Then there's the part of me that thinks that if I was desirable, I would be harassed and abused more. And since I'm not, therefore I must not be wanted.

None of these are good reasons. They are all just products of my miserable childhood. I probably shouldn't act on any of these thoughts.. I just can't help myself at this point...

Everyone's pain is valid, and no one needs any more of it. I try to tell myself...

 

[enough of this]

For most of my life, I've fantasized about being brutalized.

At first it was because I didn't understand that I had any problems in my life. I felt pain, and was never able to do anything right, but I just thought it was all my fault. So I wanted trauma to provide an explanation for why I feel the way I did.

Now I hate myself, and see trauma as sort of a.. baptism. Like it would make me clean, and worthy of love. Because I'll have atonned for my sins.

At this point I recognize that I've been miserable my whole life. It's what makes sense to me. So I "want" more of it, as it's one of the only things my brain will accept.

Then there's the part of me that thinks that if I was desirable, I would be harassed and abused more. And since I'm not, therefore I must not be wanted.

None of these are good reasons. They are all just products of my miserable childhood. I probably shouldn't act on any of these thoughts.. I just can't help myself at this point...

Everyone's pain is valid, and no one needs any more of it. I try to tell myself...

I have the same kind of fantasies. It's part of my survival system. Since my being brutalized was so common in my childhood, and my subsequent means of escaping death, the pattern continues. It's the thing I know how to do the best. It's the most practiced programming I have, so I find security in it. I hope you can come to terms with your circumstances.

 

[Baron]

I feel the same way sometimes. As if I'm not worthy of death, because nothing really bad ever happened to me. It's like I have it all to live my life, but I reject everything. I feel so ungrateful, spoiled and useless. Can't help it though. All this stuff about the meaning of life and quotes like Carpe diem make me constantly question myself and I hate it.

 

[wnbFemboy]

I feel the same way sometimes. As if I'm not worthy of death, because nothing really bad ever happened to me. It's like I have it all to live my life, but I reject everything. I feel so ungrateful, spoiled and useless. Can't help it though. All this stuff about the meaning of life and quotes like Carpe diem make me constantly question myself and I hate it.

i feel ungrateful and spoiled too. i don't deserve this life i have.

 

[Holu]

There's always an endless amount of people with more problems than you, and it's always like that even for people with absurd amounts of issues. That constant comparison definitely does take a toll on you though, and it's understandable to feel guilt or to even wish you were in a worse position so you can justify your feelings.

In truth, it kinda doesn't matter tho. End of the day you are you, and only you will suffer your life. Doesn't mean you can't feel sympathetic for other people, but don't expect that seeing or hearing about other people in horrendous situations to actually "wake you up".

And while I know a lot of people don't like the whole "genetic factor" as an argument, it really does play a role in how you enter and process your environment.