ChildrensITV
Arcanist
- Mar 14, 2023
- 448
I am a figuratively-dribbling, depressed, tormented, unproductive mess. I am on the verge of tears most of the time. Nothing gives me a respite except sleep. I look forward to drinking at the weekend but for what? It doesn't even make me tipsy anymore. It's more like a placebo that makes me bloated. I used to play videogames - my one escape left. But I open the game, and within 20 seconds, I don't give a fuck about doing the mission.
The last 2 weeks, I have barely applied for jobs. I have had interviews but only cuz of applications I did weeks ago. I was crying 30 min before one interview recently. I hold it together just barely for the remote interview to happen, then I slouch back in my chair, again unable to do anything. I've been going through depression most of my life but the last few years have been rough, and then a recent loss over the last 2 months, culminating in a bigger loss in the last 2 weeks, has completely destroyed me.
I was a broken teenager. I am a broken man. If there were a fix that kept me alive, I would have found it by now. All that is happening is that I am getting older, missing out on more experiences, becoming more unattractive, less qualified, more depressed, and further behind my peers or even people younger than me.
The cloud of anxiety and depression is always there. Trying to have any positive or constructive thought is like trying to speak over an orchestra of anguish. I just get drowned out. I go to make a cup of tea: I get my cup, the cloud is there. I boil the kettle. The cloud is there while I wait. I go to the fridge to get milk. The cloud is there. It's always there. It's a constant backdrop. A constant background hum to my brain and soul.
It's so blatantly obvious that my life is a failure. I would have some thinking to do if I were at least successful in my career - if I had one success to my name in the last decade or so. I would need to think if this is the right thing to do. If my life hadn't been a failure for decades, there might be hope of recovering the real me. But things are so far gone and have been bad for so long that I don't need to think if this is the right thing to do. The only thing to think is: Can I muster the "selfishness", courage and resources to end it?
If I could just stop the cloud of anxiety and depression over me for a few hours a day, that would be something, but I can't unless I am sleep. I can't sleep all day and night. The only thing I can do to stop the unbearable anguish is sleep forever.
The last 2 weeks, I have barely applied for jobs. I have had interviews but only cuz of applications I did weeks ago. I was crying 30 min before one interview recently. I hold it together just barely for the remote interview to happen, then I slouch back in my chair, again unable to do anything. I've been going through depression most of my life but the last few years have been rough, and then a recent loss over the last 2 months, culminating in a bigger loss in the last 2 weeks, has completely destroyed me.
I was a broken teenager. I am a broken man. If there were a fix that kept me alive, I would have found it by now. All that is happening is that I am getting older, missing out on more experiences, becoming more unattractive, less qualified, more depressed, and further behind my peers or even people younger than me.
The cloud of anxiety and depression is always there. Trying to have any positive or constructive thought is like trying to speak over an orchestra of anguish. I just get drowned out. I go to make a cup of tea: I get my cup, the cloud is there. I boil the kettle. The cloud is there while I wait. I go to the fridge to get milk. The cloud is there. It's always there. It's a constant backdrop. A constant background hum to my brain and soul.
It's so blatantly obvious that my life is a failure. I would have some thinking to do if I were at least successful in my career - if I had one success to my name in the last decade or so. I would need to think if this is the right thing to do. If my life hadn't been a failure for decades, there might be hope of recovering the real me. But things are so far gone and have been bad for so long that I don't need to think if this is the right thing to do. The only thing to think is: Can I muster the "selfishness", courage and resources to end it?
If I could just stop the cloud of anxiety and depression over me for a few hours a day, that would be something, but I can't unless I am sleep. I can't sleep all day and night. The only thing I can do to stop the unbearable anguish is sleep forever.
