Is it normal to be completely fine and not repulsed with my intrusive thoughts?

[RainyPrimadonna]

This topic is kind of not suicide, but my thoughts relate to suicide and they're far too graphic to post in other sections I feel, so I apologise if I've posted this in the wrong place.

As far as I'm concerned I experience intrusive thoughts (it feels a bit too violent and graphic to be impulsive thoughts..)

If I hold something sharp, my very first thought is stabbing myself directly in the throat, before it goes to stabbing someone else in the throat, gouging out their eyes with the object, stabbing them repeatedly in the stomach ripping out their organs, skinning them with sharp object, and then i think of doing that all to myself and it just gets more and more graphic. If I'm on the road in a car i consistently think about swerving and crashing into other cars, running down pedestrians, driving off a bridge, if I am a pedestrian on a road i think of jumping in front of cars and shoving others into the roads etc. I can think this about anyone, my mum, a little baby, a sweet grandma etc.

The main issue I find is that, I'm not particularly disturbed by these thoughts? Maybe I've normalised them so much, but everytime I see someone else talk about their experience with intrusive thoughts, they're repulsed, and they know they would never do it. For me, I am not repulsed at most I think to myself "Yikes, shouldn't do that" because it's morally wrong. It's even worse because normally others who experience intrusive thoughts explicitly say that they know they'd never do (intrusive thought), but I feel like I could?

It feels like if an intrusive thought was mixed with an impulsive thought, and I am seriously holding myself back from doing the things in my intrusive thoughts.

 

[Lysandre]

tbh, had those for a looooooooooong while, don't care, it's not like i'm actually stab someone in the neck, being repulsed sad or shocked over this is a waste of resources

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, RainyPrimadonna! I can definitely understand why you'd be concerned by this. It's always unnerving to have patterns of thought that you can't control, regardless of what form they take, and especially so when they seem so graphically violent. It also has to be somewhat alarming to have ideas and impulses that society at large would probably consider to be 'definitely not kosher'.

I'm not entirely sure what would be causing this, possibly something neurological? Anything to do with impulse control, be it sudden and undesirable urges or difficulty in controlling them, usually has some sort of physical root in the brain. While I know that this community is largely against formal mental health services (often for very good reason), it's possible that a psychiatric evaluation could be useful in dredging up the cause of these impulses and addressing them. That being said, I absolutely understand why you might not want to go that route, given the tendency of society at large to demonize someone in your position.

All the same, while it's definitely an issue that should probably be addressed, I wouldn't be terribly concerned about your own reaction to it, or what you think you might do. For starters, it sounds like you've been experiencing these impulses for some time. This is your lived reality. If it's something that you experience day to day, it only makes sense that you'd react with about as much horror and alarm as you would seeing a pigeon in a parking lot. This is just your normal, and as much as you know it should be incredibly disturbing to the average person, for you, it's Tuesday. Not being particularly disturbed by it yourself is what I would consider a normal response. And, for the record, being worried about that, about possibly being different or broken somehow because you don't react the same way other people should? Also a totally normal response.

In terms of feeling like you may actually act on these things, you haven't thus far. It at least seems like you are concerned enough about it to not want to act on them, or to not choose to. There is a trap we tend to fall into as human beings that equates our thoughts and our impulses with what we are. I have this thought that I could do something, it seems like it would be so natural and so easy to me, this must be what I am. But your impulses, your urges and your fantasies, they are not you. You do not choose them, however natural they feel or how easy it seems like it would be to act on them. 'You' are the decision, the choice you make about what to do and what not to. And what 'you' have done is come to this place, seeking answers and trying to figure out what's normal.

To summarize, is it normal to not be repulsed by these urges? I'm not sure, but I'd say it's certainly understandable. Is it a problem? I don't think so.

 

[Viranamari]

It seems that you have normalized your intrusive thoughts. I don't think they are normal. I experience the same thing but I feel bothered by them. Plus, you haven't acted on your thoughts. If you thought of stabbing yourself but you didn't, it's not a big problem yet. Since you seem to know that not being bothered by these thoughts might not be normal and since you didn't act on them, I'd say your still fine. But at the same time, you might want to seek a professional for your intrusive thoughts. Good luck.

 

[RainyPrimadonna]

Hey there, RainyPrimadonna! I can definitely understand why you'd be concerned by this. It's always unnerving to have patterns of thought that you can't control, regardless of what form they take, and especially so when they seem so graphically violent. It also has to be somewhat alarming to have ideas and impulses that society at large would probably consider to be 'definitely not kosher'.

I'm not entirely sure what would be causing this, possibly something neurological? Anything to do with impulse control, be it sudden and undesirable urges or difficulty in controlling them, usually has some sort of physical root in the brain. While I know that this community is largely against formal mental health services (often for very good reason), it's possible that a psychiatric evaluation could be useful in dredging up the cause of these impulses and addressing them. That being said, I absolutely understand why you might not want to go that route, given the tendency of society at large to demonize someone in your position.

All the same, while it's definitely an issue that should probably be addressed, I wouldn't be terribly concerned about your own reaction to it, or what you think you might do. For starters, it sounds like you've been experiencing these impulses for some time. This is your lived reality. If it's something that you experience day to day, it only makes sense that you'd react with about as much horror and alarm as you would seeing a pigeon in a parking lot. This is just your normal, and as much as you know it should be incredibly disturbing to the average person, for you, it's Tuesday. Not being particularly disturbed by it yourself is what I would consider a normal response. And, for the record, being worried about that, about possibly being different or broken somehow because you don't react the same way other people should? Also a totally normal response.

In terms of feeling like you may actually act on these things, you haven't thus far. It at least seems like you are concerned enough about it to not want to act on them, or to not choose to. There is a trap we tend to fall into as human beings that equates our thoughts and our impulses with what we are. I have this thought that I could do something, it seems like it would be so natural and so easy to me, this must be what I am. But your impulses, your urges and your fantasies, they are not you. You do not choose them, however natural they feel or how easy it seems like it would be to act on them. 'You' are the decision, the choice you make about what to do and what not to. And what 'you' have done is come to this place, seeking answers and trying to figure out what's normal.

To summarize, is it normal to not be repulsed by these urges? I'm not sure, but I'd say it's certainly understandable. Is it a problem? I don't think so.

Wow, this is really insightful. Thank you very much, I really appreciate your well thought out response :]

It seems that you have normalized your intrusive thoughts. I don't think they are normal. I experience the same thing but I feel bothered by them. Plus, you haven't acted on your thoughts. If you thought of stabbing yourself but you didn't, it's not a big problem yet. Since you seem to know that not being bothered by these thoughts might not be normal and since you didn't act on them, I'd say your still fine. But at the same time, you might want to seek a professional for your intrusive thoughts. Good luck.

I have actually been trying to seek a professional for a medical diagnoses because I most definitely have some things that are not normal. I've been on the waiting list to see someone for over a year though, so I have been actively trying to get help or understand it but the medical system is shit sadly. Thank you very much for your response though, I appreciate it.

 

[LiminalFantasies]

Basing on what you've went through, my thought about that is that would have occured so frequently, that you get kind of used to it despite the extreme graphical nature of the mental image that it shows.

I had gone through similar situations where I get really desensitized by such thoughts so many times in the past. They just occur very spontanously without any warnings, and even less if you feel that they're hard to control, is like feeling almost powerless to stop the thoughts. In that part, I understand that well.

One thing that I would definitely say is that I would never go to harm anyone else, even if I have gone through dealing with bad people, that would look like coming off as a murderer... Those kind of thoughts are one of the few that I would definitely get repulsed and disturbed by.

If have been experiencing the impulse about harming others, it needs to be looked out for closely I would say. As for not feeling repulsed by having those types of thoughts, as long doesn't involve others and the urge and strong impulse to so (as if trying to holding back on it from acting upon it), I don't think that might be that big of a problem.