Is it inevitable that you will ctb or do you think that you may never be able to go through with it?

[John Smith]

I think if I knew for sure I wouldn't fail and what would happen afterwards I might be able to go through with it. I'm really afraid of failing though and the pain of actually doing it. Falling from a height freaks me out because of all that time falling and the chance that it might actually be excruciating. Full suspension I'm afraid will be severely painful or that I will fail and then I will have a rope burn on my neck and my psychiatrist will take me off my meds. I am afraid to try to get a gun because I'm not sure if I'm prohibited cause I don't know if I've ever been involuntarily committed. Also people fail at gunshot suicide. Charcoal I have a hard time learning what is supposed to be done exactly. All of them I'm afraid of ending up worse off then before!

 

[MsM3talGamer]

I'm going with SN. My CTB is inevitable since I refuse to live with cancer.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Its gonna happen even if i fail a few times

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I think I may never be able to go through with it.

To me, it's the smartest decision. But it's the most cold and heartless. I will have to truly hate everyone to do it. Their faces that currently beg me not to die will have to turn to faces that all give me the green light. My stupid life force is using them to hold me back.

Logically, I know life is dumb for me now.

 

[Dead_Inside]

There are things in life that you can see yourself doing/accomplishing ... you know you are going to stop at the store to grab some groceries and you kind of "see" the aisles you need to go down and the items you are getting.... lots of little things like that in life. And so lots of people see themselves old or with children or accomplishing something they worked towards.
And so do I.
I have kind of just "felt" like this thing or that was going to work out/happen. But I can't see myself getting old.
I have seen or known that I am going to have some kind of bad end- something bloody or violent? I thought for a long time it meant that I was going to die by murder or some accident.... but the more I think about it I am almost positive that I am going to shoot myself. Which is strange because I would never want to do that.
I don't want that. I want to win somehow- I want to be good/normal/happy/successful.... but some how I feel like some inevitable thing is coming.

 

[Kingkelly]

I can see myself doing it with n because of how peaceful its supposed to be. The rest of the methods terrify me.

 

[Xaphous]

I can admit that I'm not sure. Unlike most people (seemingly), I'm genuinely scared of ending up in a worse place spiritually. I would rather have a different life but it's just not in the realm of possibilities anymore. Also choosing a method is damn difficult. They're all pretty grim and could fail.

 

[DesperateChallenge]

I think it's inevitable.
I have no positive feelings towards myself. I feel broken from PTSD and due to anxiety bad severe suicidal thoughts. I'm a loner. My relationship with my family is cold (their doing, not mine). I am more of a problem for people to deal with my crazy brain than a benefit having me around.

I've had two serious attempts since 2016. I want to make sure I don't fail this time. I have bought the means for a few different options, but I'm continuing to research to make sure I choose the right one. I am numb to the thought now. I don't want to die because I want the pain to stop, I want to die because I hate the person I've become from the trauma I've been through.

 

[TAW122]

I believe it is inevitable for me. I don't plan on living until I'm bedridden or having to become dependent on others just to do everyday things. I'd rather die on my hands than by others. Given how things are going in my life and the circumstances surrounding it, it will take the right timing, circumstances, and of course the appropriate catalyst event to override my survival instinct. Since I plan to go via firearm and have already decided that death is inevitable, it isn't a matter of if but when. Also, I would just need to override my survival instinct for a short time for my method to succeed (including correct placement of the firearm).

 

[monobun]

I've had more attempts this year than the previous years. One day I'm going to succeed. It's inevitable. I'm broken from the experience of my life. It's far too late to get my life anywhere near a better path now.

 

[[NoName]]

I'm not sure yet.

But if I did decide I think I would go through with it. I wouldn't need to be brave for a long time in order to do it.

 

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

I want to die by my own hands. I think if I don't kill myself, I'll likely die in a bad car crash. Ejected from the car. I definitely don't want that because it's embarrassing and your blood and pieces of you are on display for everyone to look at and take pictures of. I'm tired of living in fear. I clench up when I ride an escalator, drive under a bridge, park in a parking garage, go out driving, etc. I am so tired of being scared of these things. So if I can ctb, I'll put an end to this life ruining crippling fear. Plus I am ugly and I look like a fat man when I am in fact a woman. I will not live with this face. I refuse. I'm trying CO from a BBQ grill in my car on Saturday. If that doesn't work, I might do SN. If not that, then hanging. And finally train. But 2018-2019 is where the buck stops. I will not go past 2019.

 

[silentinbetween]

I think I might never get around to it. As strange as it seems, I'm too tired to even kill myself. I just don't have the energy or motivation to plan or execute. All I can think about is how exhausted I am all the time, and how much i just want to sleep. I don't have the the resources, or connections, or money to ctb either. And I would be lying if I said my age didn't factor into it, I suppose a little part of me still hopes, as stupid as it is.

 

[slowlystarve]

i don't know.
"what ifs" are still bouncing in my brain. part of me still has hope that i'll wake up some happy go lucky girl without a care in the world one day. i don't know how long i can hold onto that hope before i fully accept my suspicion that it's a pipe dream. if time keeps drudging on with no signs of improvement ... i can't live like this forever. i just fucking can't. i really don't know.

 

[GhostedToast]

I worry that if i do try i may chicken out and seek help but i also really dont want to live this way anymore. The possible outcomes keep my mind occupied but I'll try when one of the few things that will push me to doing it impulsively happens or when i can no longer maintain acting fine around people.

 

[OkTotti]

This is a great question. I keep on thinking I want to CTB today but I really do nothing to accomplish this. Maybe I just like suicidal ideation more then doing the act itself and this gives me peace...

I mean I could book a hotel room on a high floor with balcony tomorrow and jump to end it all if i wanted to. Or i could order N. from A. and CTB in a few weeks... but some reason i don't....i just wallow in my despair

 

[OkTotti]

To the OP: are you no longer planning on jumping from a bridge?

 

[okyeah]

i am 100% committed. My depression and personality disorders have made me isolated. Now that I am 25 and have 0 friends I will never have a girlfriend or wife. I have calculated my future and I predict living with 10-20 years in isolation while slaving at a job I hate. My phenotype is not compatible with this world. Fuck my life.

 

[TiredHorse]

I wish I could be certain I would/could ctb, but I no longer have that confidence. I tried several times in the past couple months, but I'm now so exhausted that it feels like ending my life is too much to contemplate. I can't even truly access the pain I'm in to help myself find the impetus to ctb. It doesn't matter that I have all my supplies, or that I know that I have no future, the present is too much to endure for long enough to set my mind and stagger forward.

Almost got there two nights ago, but couldn't quite manage it. Hopefully soon. Please, please, hopefully soon.

If I go mad first, will that make life endurable?

 

[Help_Me]

I can say with 99% chance I was born to make it later through all my sufferings and finally ctb in my 20's. All life pleasures are always out of reach for me. I refuse to continue living alone, being ugly and probably kinda mentally isolated from society. I am in my late 20's right now and nothing is gonna change no matter how hard I try.

 

[Politecat]

It's inevitable, I was diagnosed with depression, and was prescribed antidepressant, I ruined a lot of my friendships which eventually made me go cold turkey on my pills, after my recent check up, I was further diagnosed with a lot more psychological problems, and was involuntarily hospitalized for a while. Since then I've been pretty paranoid, I've cut ties (or had friends cut them) with my family and friends. I'm just trying to overcome survival instincts now.

 

[therhydler]

It's inevitable for me too, every second is a torture for me and I am desperate to die. It is just a question of when... right now I do not have many options, my last attempt left me in a bad physical state and I am also madly afraid of the pain. But I know I will be trying soon. How did it come to this?

 

[Jodes]

It's inevitable unless something or someone bests me to it, but i'll be hard to beat.

I've found a method I'm happy with, and have what I need to use it.

I'm just either waiting for the right time when I see it, or looking more at what it means to be ready and prepared. I've attempted before, but this time I l know what I have to do to be ready. But now I'm even more torn: I have more problems in life - health and prospects - but I also now have someone that I can hardly bare to leave on her own

 

[SiArc]

It will happen. I can't see myself past my 30's. 35 sticks out in my head as the absolute final number. That is 2.5 years away if I do not do it sooner. I think it would be interesting to wait until 2020 and go out Great Gatsby style (just myself, not taking anyone with me). Roaring 20's and all. But I believe it will happen before then. Two weeks ago I had a very serious attempt and I want to try again now but the only thing holding me back is my pup-a-lup. Best friend for nearly 7 years. Incredibly close bond. I don't want to make him devastated but I won't hurt him and take him with me.

 

[John Smith]

To the OP: are you no longer planning on jumping from a bridge?

It may come to that eventually. Right now I'm having car problems though and I don't have anything to jump from that's close really. I'm not sure about renting a car either because I have bad credit and also no credit card. That will probably keep me from renting I think.

 

[John Smith]

I wish I could be certain I would/could ctb, but I no longer have that confidence. I tried several times in the past couple months, but I'm now so exhausted that it feels like ending my life is too much to contemplate. I can't even truly access the pain I'm in to help myself find the impetus to ctb. It doesn't matter that I have all my supplies, or that I know that I have no future, the present is too much to endure for long enough to set my mind and stagger forward.

Almost got there two nights ago, but couldn't quite manage it. Hopefully soon. Please, please, hopefully soon.

If I go mad first, will that make life endurable?

No, if you go mad first life will become even less endurable. Mental illness is pretty much a nightmare.

 

[Sanguinius]

Yes. I can't endure the pain anymore and I don't want to live with it.

 

[meowcat]

I think if I knew for sure I wouldn't fail and what would happen afterwards I might be able to go through with it. I'm really afraid of failing though and the pain of actually doing it. Falling from a height freaks me out because of all that time falling and the chance that it might actually be excruciating. Full suspension I'm afraid will be severely painful or that I will fail and then I will have a rope burn on my neck and my psychiatrist will take me off my meds. I am afraid to try to get a gun because I'm not sure if I'm prohibited cause I don't know if I've ever been involuntarily committed. Also people fail at gunshot suicide. Charcoal I have a hard time learning what is supposed to be done exactly. All of them I'm afraid of ending up worse off then before!

That's why i'm thinking of using combination methods in order to reduce the chance of failure because that's the last thing we need is to fail.

 

[meowcat]

I think if I knew for sure I wouldn't fail and what would happen afterwards I might be able to go through with it. I'm really afraid of failing though and the pain of actually doing it. Falling from a height freaks me out because of all that time falling and the chance that it might actually be excruciating. Full suspension I'm afraid will be severely painful or that I will fail and then I will have a rope burn on my neck and my psychiatrist will take me off my meds. I am afraid to try to get a gun because I'm not sure if I'm prohibited cause I don't know if I've ever been involuntarily committed. Also people fail at gunshot suicide. Charcoal I have a hard time learning what is supposed to be done exactly. All of them I'm afraid of ending up worse off then before!

We don't want to end up any worse so unless we can get N and do it right ,we would need to gather some strength and stop stressing about it and combine a few things so that we don't fail.I think we stress too much about it.That's how most of us here are.
Even Hitler did it by combining a few things and he did it so well that his body was'nt even found.

 

[meowcat]

I think if I knew for sure I wouldn't fail and what would happen afterwards I might be able to go through with it. I'm really afraid of failing though and the pain of actually doing it. Falling from a height freaks me out because of all that time falling and the chance that it might actually be excruciating. Full suspension I'm afraid will be severely painful or that I will fail and then I will have a rope burn on my neck and my psychiatrist will take me off my meds. I am afraid to try to get a gun because I'm not sure if I'm prohibited cause I don't know if I've ever been involuntarily committed. Also people fail at gunshot suicide. Charcoal I have a hard time learning what is supposed to be done exactly. All of them I'm afraid of ending up worse off then before!

Life is sometimes so incredibly painful.Especially pro life people rub salt on our raw wounds without empathy.Good that we have at least this one space where we can talk to each other without too much judgement or bias.