Is it crueler to loved ones for you to just completely disappear or to be found dead?

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

I've thought about my own demise for a long, long time and I really would like to end things in a deep forest away from any hiking trails or places where people could go off the beaten path (and stumble across me). It would not only be really peaceful (in spending my final time alive) but I also just want to spare people the grief of finding my body right after it happened too (or within a week/month). I figure if I'm really deep into the woods, the chances of anyone ever finding me are slim to none, at least for a long, long time. I have the perfect place for it too, it's so beautiful in there, I love that I'd be surrounded by nature and beauty.

So it is completely wrong, fucked up or cruel to just disappear on loved ones without a trace? Or is it worse to be found by a loved one (or a stranger, who then gets the police involved and your loved ones get a knock on their door)?

Do you think they'd go the rest of their lives holding out hope you're alive somewhere or that you'll magically find your way home again?

My mom is gone now, my dad is still alive but besides him, I really don't think most people would bother caring after a few months if I just disappeared. They'd figure I probably just moved, changed my cell # and wanted to be left alone. I'm not on social media either, so it's not like my posts just ended one day too and my profile/account is still up.

For me, I think my dad would know in his heart that I took the higher road and ended things privately so that I'd spare him the grief of ever knowing what happened to me. I'm not sure if "no news is good news" in a situation like this, I think no news about someone disappearing is still pretty relevant for awhile.

 

[jodes2]

I think going missing is cruel, and letting them find your body is cruel too. The best way is to make sure they don't find your body, but that they know what happened to you. Leave a note or send a delayed email explaining

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

Hmmmmmm... that's almost in the middle of both. I wish I could arrange to send a letter maybe a year after I decided to do it. I wish I could trust someone to keep a letter and drop it in the mail and not know the details of it. That way, hey, I'm outside, decomposed (for the most part) and it's been a year of wondering, not a decade or more.

Def something to think about for sure.

 

[SufferInSilence]

As someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, I think it's more cruel to let them know you committed suicide. They'll forever hate themselves and live every day fantasizing about how they could have saved you. Or at least that's what I've been doing. At least if you went "missing" they'd have some hope to cling on to for a while even if it's false hope. I'd take thinking it was an accident or murder or literally anything else over knowing it was a suicide. There is no worse feeling, but that's just my two cents.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's harder on families when they don't know what's happened personally. You hear of terrible cases where murder victims go unfound for centuries- sometimes forever and their families never know what happened to them. I do 'get' your wanting no random person finding your body though. I guess you could go some place remote (if you wanted to be in nature) but send details to the authorities on where to find you. Also, personally I think a delayed email to your Dad would be kinder then just disappearing (like Jodes2 suggested).

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

As someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, I think it's more cruel to let them know you committed suicide. They'll forever hate themselves and live every day fantasizing about how they could have saved you. Or at least that's what I've been doing. At least if you went "missing" they'd have some hope to cling on to for a while even if it's false hope. I'd take thinking it was an accident or murder or literally anything else over knowing it was a suicide. There is no worse feeling, but that's just my two cents.

For sure, I get that too. My dad knows I'm pretty flighty when it comes to my life. There have been times I haven't spoken to him (when my mom was alive) for months, he just knew that's who I was and that I was ok. I mean, I was never the type to call once a week, I think my parents gave up on that the moment I moved out of their house. For all he'd know, I moved away and just decided to live a life off the radar and to be at peace with myself. The thing that sucks though is that my only sibling (he's a real asshole too), would inherit everything and I'd really like my half to go to fund a suicide survivors wing at a local hospital (maybe to furnish a new entertainment room and provide free accommodations for people once they leave and have no place to go).

I think it's harder on families when they don't know what's happened personally. You hear of terrible cases where murder victims go unfound for centuries- sometimes forever and their families never know what happened to them. I do 'get' your wanting no random person finding your body though. I guess you could go some place remote (if you wanted to be in nature) but send details to the authorities on where to find you. Also, personally I think a delayed email to your Dad would be kinder then just disappearing (like Jodes2 suggested).

I also get this too... the thought of not knowing would haunt people for their lives I'm sure. You'd always wonder if that person was chained up in someone's basement, were abducted and tortured, fell down an abandoned well somewhere or even beamed up by aliens. If I could find someone to mail a letter to my dad after a while (like up to a year), maybe that would be something to consider. Maybe he'd know in his heart I was gone for good and maybe he'd want to know where to find me too just for his own peace of mind. I don't want a funeral or memorial either, cremation and my ashes scattered with my dog's (I have his ashes in a nice box at home) somewhere where we spent a lot of time together.

 

[SarRy]

I don't know your father, so I can't say what would be easier on him. It's really a case by case basis as to what's easier on people. I like the idea of taking a "long walk". I wouldn't want anyone to find me. Fortunately, people in my life would just assume I went out to make a new life or would just be happy to have me gone. A cigar or cigarette, a pint of bourbon, a cup of tea, or whatever nice things to please the soul that can be found to go with the nice scenery of a forest sounds so peaceful.

 

[FuneralCry]

None of them are really that cruel, I mean we will all die and be forgotten about someday eventually, it's simply inevitable for us all. Eventually we likely won't even exist in the memories of the living. Death and loss are an inevitable consequence of bringing life into this world.

But I personally think that it would be harder on those left behind if someone was to disappear with no explanation as they would spend the rest of their lives wondering what happened, but if they knew that it was a suicide and they had some kind of note to act as an explanation then it may give them some closure and understanding. But I do like the sound of ctb in a peaceful nature location far away from any people.

 

[Sad_Sack]

Both would be traumatizing in different ways. Ideally you should find a way to ctb away from where your family will find you but that you will assuredly be found by someone else. A motel room is ideal as you would be discovered promptly. You can leave a note for the police explaining how to contact your relatives and also leave notes, if any, to be given to them. The maid would get a shock but at least you are not a loved one to them.

 

[UnlimitedPain]

I personally struggle with this.

If I could just disappear and never be found seems ideal in my mind, but then maybe leaving a note and disappear would also be good it's tuff even to ponder

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

I don't know your father, so I can't say what would be easier on him. It's really a case by case basis as to what's easier on people. I like the idea of taking a "long walk". I wouldn't want anyone to find me. Fortunately, people in my life would just assume I went out to make a new life or would just be happy to have me gone. A cigar or cigarette, a pint of bourbon, a cup of tea, or whatever nice things to please the soul that can be found to go with the nice scenery of a forest sounds so peaceful.

My dad is a good man, I'd want to make things as easy as I could on him this year since my mom passed away in March. I honestly don't know if my death would also kill him too, losing two loved ones in less than one year is pretty traumatic for sure. So sorry you feel this way too about people being happy you're gone too, I don't know them either but maybe they'd really miss you! I know my brother (and his greedy wife) would be thrilled they'd get all my parent's estate for sure, that's all they care about at this point. I've pleaded with my parents to leave my ex in their will in case something happens to me, she def deserves all that I would've gotten from them after they both passed away.

None of them are really that cruel, I mean we will all die and be forgotten about someday eventually, it's simply inevitable for us all. Eventually we likely won't even exist in the memories of the living. Death and loss are an inevitable consequence of bringing life into this world.

But I personally think that it would be harder on those left behind if someone was to disappear with no explanation as they would spend the rest of their lives wondering what happened, but if they knew that it was a suicide and they had some kind of note to act as an explanation then it may give them some closure and understanding. But I do like the sound of ctb in a peaceful nature location far away from any people.

There's no real "easy" way with suicide or even disappearing. You'd only hope your death didn't ruin someone for life. The dead forget you quickly but the same can't be said for the living towards the dead.

Both would be traumatizing in different ways. Ideally you should find a way to ctb away from where your family will find you but that you will assuredly be found by someone else. A motel room is ideal as you would be discovered promptly. You can leave a note for the police explaining how to contact your relatives and also leave notes, if any, to be given to them. The maid would get a shock but at least you are not a loved one to them.

I def want to do it in this really deep forest near where I currently live, it's so beautiful and peaceful. I don't think I could traumatize the person who found me in a motel either, I live in a fairly small town, I wouldn't want them to go through that at all. If it was a big city and a corporate hotel room, I'd say fuck it and do it but my town is too small for that.

 

[Sad_Sack]

I def want to do it in this really deep forest near where I currently live, it's so beautiful and peaceful. I don't think I could traumatize the person who found me in a motel either, I live in a fairly small town, I wouldn't want them to go through that at all. If it was a big city and a corporate hotel room, I'd say fuck it and do it but my town is too small for that.

If you would be driving there I'd say leave a note, or notes, in your car. When you are discovered missing and there is just a car sitting there it will eventually be identified as yours and the notes will be recovered. I'm sorry for your situation. I wish we all could just live happy lives.

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

If you would be driving there I'd say leave a note, or notes, in your car. When you are discovered missing and there is just a car sitting there it will eventually be identified as yours and the notes will be recovered. I'm sorry for your situation. I wish we all could just live happy lives.

The nice part is, this forest is a nice 30 min walk from my place but after the first 10 mins, it turns into a very thick-brush woods, hard to navigate through it because of years worth of fallen brush and overgrown trees. Perfect place to get lost on purpose.

Thank you too, honestly, I've had a LONG time to ponder things in my life and I've a pretty good life. I can't say I've gone through the same pain and suffering as a lot of people on here (or out into the world) has. I've had fun in life, lived some great adventures, lay down with some beautiful women, saw some amazing things. I can't complain at all. I'm just tired of life, my flame is going out, my colour is fading. I wish we could all have & live happy lives too.

 

[outatime_85]

In my situation, neither outcome would bother any of my family.

If I chose to walk out into the waste land, no one would raise any alarms or file any reports; if I checked out at my own hands, they would simply bury me, call it a day, and go about their business.

I think this question's answer is ultimately determined by how close and supportive the members of the tribe were to one another.

 

[Rob1984]

Eventually we likely won't even exist in the memories of the living.

We for sure won't exist in the memories of the living. You take the greatest humans to have ever lived, and the most they are remembered are being discussed in a classroom for a couple days. That's for the most incredible and impactful humans of all time. Now consider how long people are remembered that are anything less than the greatest of humans...

That's not even taking into consideration the future of humans. It is very likely the human species won't last forever, and at some point will either go extinct or evolve into a whole other creature. If either are the case, then no famous humans will even be remembered.

Sorry to sound pessimistic lmao

I've thought about my own demise for a long, long time and I really would like to end things in a deep forest away from any hiking trails or places where people could go off the beaten path (and stumble across me). It would not only be really peaceful (in spending my final time alive) but I also just want to spare people the grief of finding my body right after it happened too (or within a week/month). I figure if I'm really deep into the woods, the chances of anyone ever finding me are slim to none, at least for a long, long time. I have the perfect place for it too, it's so beautiful in there, I love that I'd be surrounded by nature and beauty.

So it is completely wrong, fucked up or cruel to just disappear on loved ones without a trace? Or is it worse to be found by a loved one (or a stranger, who then gets the police involved and your loved ones get a knock on their door)?

Do you think they'd go the rest of their lives holding out hope you're alive somewhere or that you'll magically find your way home again?

My mom is gone now, my dad is still alive but besides him, I really don't think most people would bother caring after a few months if I just disappeared. They'd figure I probably just moved, changed my cell # and wanted to be left alone. I'm not on social media either, so it's not like my posts just ended one day too and my profile/account is still up.

For me, I think my dad would know in his heart that I took the higher road and ended things privately so that I'd spare him the grief of ever knowing what happened to me. I'm not sure if "no news is good news" in a situation like this, I think no news about someone disappearing is still pretty relevant for awhile.

Imo, going missing is extremely difficult for your loved ones. I would tread lightly with assuming how your dad would react if you went missing. Some people wake up every morning wondering where their loved ones are, and hoping they will get a call one day. They keep hoping and hoping, and their imagination may run wild where they assume the worst. There are many things worse than somebody peaceful ending their life. There is closure to knowing your loved one died.

With that said, I think finding a dead body (regardless of who it is) can give somebody nightmares/ptsd for the rest of their life.

So I think the best course of action is sending a letter or email letting them know where your body is. That way, they can choose to see it.

This is just my opinion :)

 

[makethepainstop]

I've thought about my own demise for a long, long time and I really would like to end things in a deep forest away from any hiking trails or places where people could go off the beaten path (and stumble across me). It would not only be really peaceful (in spending my final time alive) but I also just want to spare people the grief of finding my body right after it happened too (or within a week/month). I figure if I'm really deep into the woods, the chances of anyone ever finding me are slim to none, at least for a long, long time. I have the perfect place for it too, it's so beautiful in there, I love that I'd be surrounded by nature and beauty.

So it is completely wrong, fucked up or cruel to just disappear on loved ones without a trace? Or is it worse to be found by a loved one (or a stranger, who then gets the police involved and your loved ones get a knock on their door)?

Do you think they'd go the rest of their lives holding out hope you're alive somewhere or that you'll magically find your way home again?

My mom is gone now, my dad is still alive but besides him, I really don't think most people would bother caring after a few months if I just disappeared. They'd figure I probably just moved, changed my cell # and wanted to be left alone. I'm not on social media either, so it's not like my posts just ended one day too and my profile/account is still up.

For me, I think my dad would know in his heart that I took the higher road and ended things privately so that I'd spare him the grief of ever knowing what happened to me. I'm not sure if "no news is good news" in a situation like this, I think no news about someone disappearing is still pretty relevant for awhile.

If they know you are dead, they do not tend to worry, if you disappear, they will hold on to hope for years worrying about how you are.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

I think its crueler to just disappear, your family will miss you and assume the worst but still have hope you will show up or be found one. An uncle of mine went missing and they looked and looked and till the day his mom died she always said her boy is coming back home.

 

[Pluto]

I researched this a while back. Disappearing is a nightmare for legal/estate purposes. It takes many years for someone to be legally pronounced dead.

I have also heard parents of missing children comment that a death is preferable because there can be closure and peace. Sounds like torture, as false hope so often is.

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

Def some very good input from people on here, thank you to all.

From all the responses I've read, yeah, maybe it's best to leave a letter with someone to deliver (or have it wait to be sent out) to my family notifying me of my passing. My dad has had a rough time with my mom passing, I wouldn't want to be the reason he doesn't get out of bed now in the mornings. I know he'd take my death hard for sure but going missing on him, I'm sure he'd be out there with a crew of people looking for me too. Either way, it'll be hard on him, but I wouldn't want his last memories in his lifetime to be of me coming back to see him one more time and him being crushed by the fact it never happened. Holding on to hope is one thing, giving a person false hope is another.

I always thought I'd wait until both my parents passed away before I'd do anything to myself but I don't think I can wait that long now. My dad is still in pretty good shape for his age and I don't see anything happening to him for awhile either. I can't wait for him to pass, it could be 5. 10, 15 years from now, that's like a prison sentence to me at this point in my life.

 

[chloramine]

Personally I would rather know than wonder. Different people may have different preferences though. None of us can really know what would be best in your particular circumstances unfortunately.

 

[Kali Yuga]

I've thought about my own demise for a long, long time and I really would like to end things in a deep forest away from any hiking trails or places where people could go off the beaten path (and stumble across me). It would not only be really peaceful (in spending my final time alive) but I also just want to spare people the grief of finding my body right after it happened too (or within a week/month). I figure if I'm really deep into the woods, the chances of anyone ever finding me are slim to none, at least for a long, long time. I have the perfect place for it too, it's so beautiful in there, I love that I'd be surrounded by nature and beauty.

So it is completely wrong, fucked up or cruel to just disappear on loved ones without a trace? Or is it worse to be found by a loved one (or a stranger, who then gets the police involved and your loved ones get a knock on their door)?

Do you think they'd go the rest of their lives holding out hope you're alive somewhere or that you'll magically find your way home again?

My mom is gone now, my dad is still alive but besides him, I really don't think most people would bother caring after a few months if I just disappeared. They'd figure I probably just moved, changed my cell # and wanted to be left alone. I'm not on social media either, so it's not like my posts just ended one day too and my profile/account is still up.

For me, I think my dad would know in his heart that I took the higher road and ended things privately so that I'd spare him the grief of ever knowing what happened to me. I'm not sure if "no news is good news" in a situation like this, I think no news about someone disappearing is still pretty relevant for awhile.

Good topic. I'm in the same boat. I've decided to aim for both; disappear in nature to minimise shock and immediate trauma to anyone having to find and identify body, arrange funeral etc. But also leave a note that will strategically find loved ones in time so they can hopefully gently ease in and out of grieving process without suffering and wasting time on any uncertainties.

Besides, police will easily be able to determine you aren't here when you're eventually declared missing. Inactive bank account, phone etc. It's a matter of bringing closure to loved ones to let them know you went in peace and were not murdered or the million other scenarios. Grief needs to run it's course but can be impeded if there is questions left unanswered. There are few people who could truly disappear unnoticed. We can't predict what will happen when we're gone, but eventually someone will notice you're not active. If not, your dad might just assume you just abandoned him and cut him out of your life and try to respect that by never "harassing" you. And as the years go by, he thinks he's done something wrong but doesn't want to reach out to you, not knowing you've suicided for completely unrelated reasons. Just another example of the potential uncertainties/misunderstandings. It's a tricky one and I completely get it. Simply just vanishing would be a luxury but it's a pipe dream.