Is it bad to ctb if you have kids.

[Cherrypea]

I understand all of this but I'm so angry it takes away my choice to die, it's all I want all day every day. What good am as a mum like this? I know I'm fucking her up anyway.

 

[onlyeverexisting]

This is an amazing reply. (And I'd like to add, your way of writing is astonishing. I'm sorry you had to go through this)

Thank you! I've tried to start writing again, but it's pretty much always about depression and I don't think anyone can come up with a new way to describe it at this point lol.

And it's okay, it just kinda has to be at this point. If anything, I wish I could've gotten to know him as a person, adult to adult. He was brilliant; an incredible musician, had this encyclopedic-like knowledge of history, and was so kind. There's so many things I want to discuss with him, but I'm pretty sure I'll never get to since I don't believe in an afterlife. I was just too young to appreciate him.

I understand all of this but I'm so angry it takes away my choice to die, it's all I want all day every day. What good am as a mum like this? I know I'm fucking her up anyway.

My dad was not perfect, and pretty non-functional towards the end, but I'd rather have him here so we could at least be fucked up together. I know that's probably a little selfish, and I know my feelings are contradictory. Hell, even I feel like my choice to die was taken away since my mom has said she'd probably off herself too if I were to go that way. I'm still not a pro-lifer though. You have the choice to leave if you want or need to. You are a human being first, and your feelings and whatever brought you here matter just as much as my experience. You have absolutely every right to be angry, to feel whatever you're feeling, and to seek peace in what you feel is the most appropriate way. This world is horribly complicated and messy, and I still think it's your right to decide whether or not you want to participate considering every angle.

 

[Breadbfra]

Thank you! I've tried to start writing again, but it's pretty much always about depression and I don't think anyone can come up with a new way to describe it at this point lol.

And it's okay, it just kinda has to be at this point. If anything, I wish I could've gotten to know him as a person, adult to adult. He was brilliant; an incredible musician, had this encyclopedic-like knowledge of history, and was so kind. There's so many things I want to discuss with him, but I'm pretty sure I'll never get to since I don't believe in an afterlife. I was just too young to appreciate him.


My dad was not perfect, and pretty non-functional towards the end, but I'd rather have him here so we could at least be fucked up together. I know that's probably a little selfish, and I know my feelings are contradictory. Hell, even I feel like my choice to die was taken away since my mom has said she'd probably off herself too if I were to go that way. I'm still not a pro-lifer though. You have the choice to leave if you want or need to. You are a human being first, and your feelings and whatever brought you here matter just as much as my experience. You have absolutely every right to be angry, to feel whatever you're feeling, and to seek peace in what you feel is the most appropriate way. This world is horribly complicated and messy, and I still think it's your right to decide whether or not you want to participate considering every angle.

I'd be very interested in reading some of your work if you'll publish something. :)

 

[DeadButDreaming]

I know of a case where a married man with 8 or 9 children hanged himself in a wooded area close to where I'm currently living. I often think about it when I drive by there.

It must have been hard for his wife to cope after his death. However, when you have that many kids the oldest children can help in raising the younger ones.

 

[Rubyandthemoon]

Everyone on here has been amazing. And thank you for your words. If you need to chat them please pm me and maybe we can support each other through these dark times. Also for anyone reading this if you to chat then please pm me.

Thank you so much for commenting on this post and describing youjr hardship. It must have been hard typing this message.
Thank you for your wordsbtheybhave hit me hard and made me start thinking of things I could do to try and get through this. I will seek help. If you need to talk or any thing then pm me.
Everyone on here and this thread has made me push on for now. Thank you for your suppirt

I'm glad you're sticking around. My daughter's dad's suicide is easily the most intense grief I've been through and will continue to go through. I don't necessarily think he was being selfish, but then again I don't have any clue whatsoever as to why or how he justified leaving this little girl that he loved so much. There has to have been a massive feeling of pain and worthlessness or some feeling of her being better off...but he wasn't worthless. Suicide grief is absolutely horrific and I wouldn't want that for your kids.

 

[AloneSoAlone]

I think about my dad every single day. I have for almost 10 years now. I'm sure anyone who loses a parent does; but rather than remember him for who he was, my time is spent irrationally wondering if I'd been a "better" daughter if he'd still be here even though I was a child. I wonder about the mental head-space he was in; if he finally felt peace or regret as he bled out; if he thought about his children; if he thought about God and thought he was going to heaven as he felt himself slipping away.

Recently though, I just marvel at how much pain he must've been in to do it so violently. About a year ago, I relapsed and tried to self-harm the way I used to and could barely break skin. For some reason, my brain would literally not allow me to do it anymore, and I was almost amazed that I'd ever been able to do it. It was really weird, considering I have so many still visible, angry-looking scars on my arm and chest- that I'm sure all needed stitches- that are years old. With that in mind, he must have been pretty goddamned determined to die to slit his own throat. My own attempts to OD on aspirin are almost a joke compared to that.

As for me, I'd already been hospitalized before and been on meds a few years before it happened, but it was like the final levee had broken. As depressed as I'd been, I strangely never considered suicide an option before then. It's become something so casual, so matter-of-fact, as normal a possibility to consider as what to eat for breakfast. And sure, there's a strong chance I would've eventually gotten to that place anyway without the additional trauma, but whenever I even consider recovery the same thoughts stop me: why bother even trying to have a life if I could off myself in a few decades anyway? Why not cut out all that unnecessary suffering? How dare I even consider myself worthy of love and connection when I'm so fundamentally broken, and will more than likely pass this curse down myself?

At times, absolute anger for the person who brought me into this world by choice; who was supposed to be by my side and show me how to navigate the world; who promised to be by my mom's side for life, will consume me. But then, as a depressed human being, I empathize with another depressed human being. A human being who I'm sure still loved their family, but whose suffering was so immense that they could no longer go through the motions. A human being whose time spent wishing for better days outweighed the time spent actually living in them. A human being who, technically, doesn't owe another human being their existence. Then I'll realize I was staring at the wall for 2 hours.

And so it goes: infinite contradictory cycles of hate, anguish, anger, understanding, and eventual dissociation. Rinse and repeat every day for the rest of your life.

I don't mean for this to sound like I'm judging or shaming you in any way, because I promise you I'm not. For one, it would be really hypocritical of me- especially since I currently have a bottle of SN in my room just in case. My heart just really breaks for you and the catch-22 you're in. There's no black-and-white here- someone will suffer no matter what you choose. Is it bad? Yes and no. Your suffering would be over- and I understand how horrible it is to exist in this half-death we're all in on this forum- but I guarantee that you'll pass it on to your kids. They'll wonder why they weren't enough for you to stay, even though they'll know rationally that they had nothing to do with it. They'll have to remind themselves that every single time. Every happy memory in their lives will have a bitter side attached to it, knowing that you're not there to share it when you could be. They'll have to accept somehow that they'll never see you again and never get to truly know you as a person.

It's your choice, and I'm so fucking sorry that it's a choice you even have to make. But it's a choice that will have consequences for decades. Of course, I'm not suggesting you don't know that, just pointing out that my experience may end up being be their experience too. Please exhaust every single option you have before you go- and if you decide still to ctb, please give your kids as much closure as you possibly can. Personally, I would kill for a letter or to just hear his voice. The only closure I can get now is what I create by leaving letters at his grave.

I hope you find peace, whatever you decide.

Dear @onlyeverexisting - your story is incredibly heartbreaking and your writing beautiful.

If I could please ask you a question if it is not too personal or intrusive:

Have you forgiven your Dad?

Please don't answer if it's too hard or painful for you. Thanks.

Take care.

 

[Addi_Madd]

Anecdotes don't equal data I know, but every person I know who lost a parent to suicide when they were a child, adolescent or young adult, were deeply traumatised by it, most of them to the extent that it caused significant psychological damage that lasted into adulthood, leading their own mental health issues like depression, PTSD, substance abuse/addiction, difficulty forming relationships, etc.

I'm not saying all of them are totally fucked for life, not by a long shot, but yeah..... We are here on this forum because we recognise suicide is a personal choice we have the right to take, but it will damage your children in ways that if they lost you to illness or accident just doesn't.

I hope you're able to stay strong and stay alive.