Is it bad if I want to attempt but secretly hope to get saved?

[FinalValentine]

Sometimes I really do feel like I want to end it once and for all. Sometimes it's better and I feel like things can yet get better. But the times when I feel that I shouldn't be here, when I see that this ironic struggle, this seemingly eternal suffering can only be stopped permanently in one way - when I really think about it... I think I just want to be understood.

I wish people could see how much I don't show them (either because I'm trained not to, or because I don't trust them enough, or because they don't listen to me anyway). I just wish, more than anything, that they could all see how I really feel. How much worse it is than they ever thought.

Maybe that makes me a bad person. Maybe I shouldn't think about it in those categories - kinda wanting to prove to other people how bad I have it when they assume I have it so easy. I'm not saying I'm not fucked up for this, this is just how I feel.

And when I really think about it, the world always seems to be just way too full of opportunities to leave it forever prematurely. It just has too much potential.

So, when I think about suicide, often times I end up imagining not how dying would feel, but what waking up again would be like - tired of everything and hurting, but this time visibly; this time it'd be obvious how I feel, completely unhidden...

Of course I'm not saying I would plan that. That would require voluntarily putting someone that cares about me through trauma and anguish, maybe even making them watch me die if I don't make it. That's a burden I don't wanna put on anyone.
But when i fantasise, this is often how it looks...

Is it bad to want suicide without death?
Do you relate in any way?

FV

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

it's not bad or shameful or being a bad person. you can want those things its okay. and wanting people to understand your pain is normal and okay. it might also mean maybe you dont want to die yet and there's something else you can do some way to get people to understand? (edit: because like other the other commenter mentioned it can go bad to attempt as well, getting put in institution. i had similar experince to what they describe. i dont know what its like in other places though.) sorry if i misunderstand what you mean.

 

[bugbugbug]

Sadly as a suicide attempt survivor I can say at least in my experience especially if living in the United States this doesn't seem to do much. I was struggling and attempted, afterwards everyone in my life forgot about me as I went into residential treatment, eventually leading to no contact. Now I have been left with severe medical debt and no one in life that seems to care anymore. Obviously, this is my own experience and you could very well have a different outcome but I believe it's important to know that it will not be as positive as it might seem. I went to the 5th best psychiatric facility in the United States for inpatient treatment and the only good that came out of that was 3 meals a day. There was very little psychiatrist attention, and no individual therapy, I maybe spent a total of 15 minutes with a psychiatrist in the 4 days I was there. They also offered group therapy, which was virtually group bonding activities with the message "no it will get better don't try this again" with no real coping skills. We drew, colored, played with beads and did karaoke, which did not feel effective in any way. Again I know everyone's experience is different and this sounds honestly very negative, I just want you to be prepared for the possible negative reality associated with a failed suicide attempt.

 

[aufrechtm7]

Wanting to be saved during an attempt isn't a bad thing no, and you're only human and what you're saying is a reflection of your humanity. Suffering isn't actually eternal, neither is happiness. The objective of suicide isn't often to just die, but to stop continuous suffering, that's why you don't think about it as much when things are going well.

 

[sanctionedusage]

please dont attempt if youre entertaining the actual ideal which is to be cared about and survive. theres still hope for you if you havent fully given up in that respect.

most likely, you wont be saved. the devastation when you realize that in your final moments will be worse than any part of your method. all of what im saying is out of concern for you, not because wanting this would be 'selfish' or harmful to someone else, bc in reality this is ultimately something thats going to hurt you the most.