Discussion Is it bad I have thoughts of wanting to ctb because I can't get a girlfriend?

[Bob_Luman]

Hi all,

I'll start off by saying I'm a 19 year old male and for around 2 years now I've had this on and off depression. I've had thoughts of suicide quite a lot because I tell myself there's no chance I can ever settle down and I'd rather die then be alone my whole life. I understand that nobody owes you anything, but for some reason seeing others go by and not really take any notice of me, pains me. As I don't really have many friends or people to talk to and do stuff with. The one's I do have are very busy with their day to day lives etc...I get that nothing is certain because everything is coincidental, but wanted to hear some people's thoughts out of curiosity. I am fairly new to this forum, but I've seen that there's some really lovely people on here.

 

[Mr2005]

No it's good. Means if you get a girlfriend you won't be suicidal anymore

 

[Deleted member 14386]

It's not bad, and I don't want to minimilize your pain but it is fixable (by getting a new(?) GF lol), depends if that was the straw that broke the camels back or if it's the central thing making you want to ctb
edit: just realised you didn't mention a previous gf, my bad I think I understand now, have you ever had a gf?

 

[Bob_Luman]

It's not bad, and I don't want to minimilize your pain but it is fixable (by getting a new(?) GF lol), depends if that was the straw that broke the camels back or if it's the central thing making you want to ctb
edit: just realised you didn't mention a previous gf, my bad I think I understand now, have you ever had a gf?

No I haven't unfortunately. I have been close a few times. But it has never worked out. They always stop messaging me after a while and ignore me. I'm currently using online dating but not had much success aha. Everytime it fails I'll usually get suicidal thoughts not long after and think to myself well if I can't ever find love, looks like ctb is what I'm gonna have to do then.

 

[Mr2005]

I know how you feel because I was in this position. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. It will happen

 

[Deleted member 14386]

well your further along than me I'm 27 and never kissed a girl, hence why I'm here lol. I'd give it some time honestly ctb is a very....final choice lol, do you have any hobbies? Or could you start learning french or dancing whatever your into (your gonna die anyway right!) and see if anything clicks there?

 

[Mr2005]

There's a crisis of loneliness today

 

[Bob_Luman]

well your further along than me I'm 27 and never kissed a girl, hence why I'm here lol. I'd give it some time honestly ctb is a very....final choice lol, do you have any hobbies? Or could you start learning french or dancing whatever your into (your gonna die anyway right!) and see if anything clicks there?

I enjoy playing the guitar in my spare time. I suppose despite I don't really know many people it isnt worth drastically cutting my life short because of primarily that. I think I'm gonna give it a few more years and see if things perk up and if not then there's this site with good resources I suppose.

 

[waterbottleman]

I want to ctb for a similar reason although my reasons are a bit more nuanced than "I can't get a girlfriend."

I'm 29 and I've only had a girlfriend once when I was 17. I didn't even lose my virginity until 2 months ago when I caved and went to a legal brothel to turn in my v-card.

You're only 19 so you still have all of your twenties to turn things around. It may get better for you or it may not, it certainly didn't for me.

So yeah I understand how it feels to be lonely, to have no one be interested in you, to pretty much feel like a ghost in the eyes of women, to see other guys (who sometimes are straight up horrible people) be able to attract women. Over time it scars and breaks down your self esteem. I don't even feel like a person anymore because of the constant rejections for over a decade.

You're in a far better position than me though cause you're so young. I know it sucks, but you have time to turn things around.

I know how you feel because I was in this position. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21. It will happen

Pshhh noob, I didn't lose mine till 29 LOL.

 

[The Abyss]

Try 33, autism & social anxiety. Ain't easy man.

 

[ZardozOmega]

I'm in a similar situation. It isn't the only thing that makes me want to off myself, but it is definitely one of the reasons

 

[BFishy]

I can relate to the OP and everybody here on so many levels. I thought I found love numerous times only to be hurt. Looking back at my life, I don't think anyone I was ever with really loved me. It was either just sex or what they could get from me at the time. Now I'm older and pretty much everything I may have once had sort of going for me is gone. The last time I was all in love, and it was all emotional not even sexual. There was a great foundation and we both were happy. And all of a sudden everything changed and we lost the hand holding and everything. I was even basically dumped as a friend. We are pretty much neighbors and barely talk and even texts are slow to answer if they even are.
Yeah, I would love to die. My daughter is pretty much the only reason I haven't yet. That and a change in meds. But it could happen at any down swing though.
If I am unlovable then what's the point of sticking around to be miserable.

 

[Bob_Luman]

Try 33, autism & social anxiety. Ain't easy man.

I'm on the spectrum also. I struggle with anxiety aswell and I am very awkward around people. I haven't really ever fitted in with the rest of the other kids.

 

[Emily123]

If you can not find any gf , it means you don't know how to start a realtionship with a girl . It does not mean there is a problem in you . You need to learn how to do it . Look at the boys who are successful in making relationshipand and try to learn from them . Talk to some of them that you find friendly and trustable . Try to be in with very short realtionships and use them as an oppurtunity to learn (like one night relationships or even being with sex workers.)

 

[The Abyss]

I'm on the spectrum also. I struggle with anxiety aswell and I am very awkward around people. I haven't really ever fitted in with the rest of the other kids.

It's absolutely smashing ain't it, can't fit in with others & others won't give ya the time of day, just seen as odd or whatever by ppl. I prefer just being isolated indoors rather than having to be around ppl, gotta watch out for the ones attempting to use you for their own ends.

Neurodiversity & the associated issues are seriously underplayed by society, you get a few "normalized" ones functioning enough to hold down a job & a semblance of social life but that's the exception rather than the rule. The problem isn't the condition, it's not fitting in with what is expected of the majority. It's mental racism in a sense.

If you can not find any gf , it means you don't know how to start a realtionship with a girl . It does not mean there is a problem in you . You need to learn how to do it . Look at the boys who are successful in making relationshipand and try to learn from them . Talk to some of them that you find friendly and trustable . Try to be in with very short realtionships and use them as an oppurtunity to learn (like one night relationships or even being with sex workers.)

Guys that seem to have women swarming around them at all times to the point they have multiple friends with benefits & tend to be the one ending the relationship that more often than not have less than a week downtime without a girlfriend, what is it about them that's so attractive? I've observed they tend to be very tall, assertive bordering on aggressive & a certain look about them like Ted Bundy. Not saying they're all the same but I've noticed some kind of similarity.

 

[Emily123]

It's absolutely smashing ain't it, can't fit in with others & others won't give ya the time of day, just seen as odd or whatever by ppl. I prefer just being isolated indoors rather than having to be around ppl, gotta watch out for the ones attempting to use you for their own ends.

Neurodiversity & the associated issues are seriously underplayed by society, you get a few "normalized" ones functioning enough to hold down a job & a semblance of social life but that's the exception rather than the rule. The problem isn't the condition, it's not fitting in with what is expected of the majority. It's mental racism in a sense.

Guys that seem to have women swarming around them at all times to the point they have multiple friends with benefits & tend to be the one ending the relationship that more often than not have less than a week downtime without a girlfriend, what is it about them that's so attractive? I've observed they tend to be very tall, assertive bordering on aggressive & a certain look about them like Ted Bundy. Not saying they're all the same but I've noticed some kind of similarity.

one part of it is their physical attributes and another important part is their behaviour and methods in building relationships . You can wear very nice clouthes and perfume . go to gym and many other things that make you more attractive to girls . But the most important thing is your behaviour and you can work on yourelf to make yourself more attractive

 

[The Abyss]

one part of it is their physical attributes and another important part is their behaviour and methods in building relationships . You can wear very nice clouthes and perfume . go to gym and many other things that make you more attractive to girls . But the most important thing is your behaviour and you can work on yourelf to make yourself more attractive

So what kind of behaviour are we talking here? Also look more attractive right?

 

[Viola]

I enjoy playing the guitar in my spare time. I suppose despite I don't really know many people it isnt worth drastically cutting my life short because of primarily that. I think I'm gonna give it a few more years and see if things perk up and if not then there's this site with good resources I suppose.

If not having a gf is literally your only reason for ctb then I think there are things you could do before you give up. For a start playing the guitar is extremely attractive to a lot of women. You are doing online dating aren't you? Put a profile pic of you with the guitar. I literally contacted a guy once because he had a pic like that and that appealed to me!
Try not to be too generic or safe in the wording of your dating profile.. honest and quirky will appeal to people. I understand things like social anxiety as I used to have it till I had cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) but try to message women as much as possible.. but don't just say hi, personalise the message asking or commenting on something in their profile. You will sound like you have taken care to notice stuff about them and that you are interested in them. You're more likely to get a message back.
I don't know what you look like but that really does come second to other things. For me for example I look for creativity, a dark side, an adventurous spirit etc etc so what I'm trying to say is so many women look for those sort of attributes rather than someone who has a gym body or whatever.
I'm really not trying to patronise you or anything.. I've done so much online dating and met my husband that way so I just wanted to give you my thoughts and help if I can. I truly believe you could do more before giving up, that's all xx

 

[Emily123]

Yes . Girls like different guys . But there are some attributes which majority of girls like . For example being gentleman ,having a good self confidence , being supportive .and looking like having a strong personality . There are also excepttions . For example I like girly boys who are doing make up and they are very stylish . (it is what majority of girls don;t like) . Try to not be a different person . Just build up yourself in top of your existing peronality . You will find girls from your type

 

[Bob_Luman]

If not having a gf is literally your only reason for ctb then I think there are things you could do before you give up. For a start playing the guitar is extremely attractive to a lot of women. You are doing online dating aren't you? Put a profile pic of you with the guitar. I literally contacted a guy once because he had a pic like that and that appealed to me!
Try not to be too generic or safe in the wording of your dating profile.. honest and quirky will appeal to people. I understand things like social anxiety as I used to have it till I had cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) but try to message women as much as possible.. but don't just say hi, personalise the message asking or commenting on something in their profile. You will sound like you have taken care to notice stuff about them and that you are interested in them. You're more likely to get a message back.
I don't know what you look like but that really does come second to other things. For me for example I look for creativity, a dark side, an adventurous spirit etc etc so what I'm trying to say is so many women look for those sort of attributes rather than someone who has a gym body or whatever.
I'm really not trying to patronise you or anything.. I've done so much online dating and met my husband that way so I just wanted to give you my thoughts and help if I can. I truly believe you could do more before giving up, that's all xx

Thanks so much for your response. I have already done just that with the profile pic however, my luck hasn't quite gotten there. A few people have mentioned to me they think I'm a decent looking guy. I dress smart, I'm really into vintage typically things related with 1950s America. I like to always have my hair done up and that. I try and be as nice as I can. Not having a relationship isnt the only reason though. I lack a lot of confidence and because I am on the Autistic spectrum, despite it not being too noticeable people say I am always really critical of myself. I have a lot of self doubt and I sometimes don't know what on earth I am gonna do in the future. I worry a lot about will I be able to handle life during my 20s, if I don't meet more casual friendships if not a relationship. I just want to feel happy and be able to enjoy life and know others despite family actually care. Everyday when I get about my stuff at college, it just pains me inside seeing everyone happy with others hanging out and enjoying life and I feel like I don't really have anyone who cares. That is my reason for wanting to ctb. At the moment I am still unsure so I will be giving it time due to the severity of it and permanent absence of death. Also my knowledge currently lacks on the SN method, which I plan on looking into just for if I ever get to that point that I want to go.

 

[k75]

I don't know anyone's habits or anything, but one important thing a lot of people overlook is... do other people even know you exist? I've known people who always said they couldn't get a girlfriend or whatever but then they almost never even left their house. It's very hard to meet people from your couch. Even if you go to school or work, it might not be enough exposure if that's all you ever do.

Online dating is skewed against guys by default, because there are so many competing for a much smaller pool of women. So it doesn't mean much if you have no luck. Just that girls can afford to be extra picky and there's not enough to go around.

So no guarantee, but maybe the problem isn't you at all, but that you just need to force yourself out into the world more. Tweak your habits. Hang out in places that attract people you might have things in common with.

 

[Bob_Luman]

Just to put into perspective of my physical appearance, I am a tall 6ft 2 male quite slim and weigh 10 st 11 so I'm very light aha. I also have dark brown hair blue eyes. A lot of people have said those qualities are what women apparently look for in a guy. But I just don't get why whenever I try and because I am different that might be why I'm not sure. On my dating profile I put this as my bio, "I'm quite shy I usually keep myself to myself. I love music, especially playing the guitar. I'm looking for a nice girl, someone who is easy to talk to and who is hoping for a relationship." But only had little likes and little attention if any.

 

[terry_a_davis]

OP i concur with the suggestion of improving your physical appearance if you can.
It worked for me. I was a shy 18 year old virgin when I started working out, by 19 my confidence had increased and i lost my virginity.

 

[Bob_Luman]

I don't know anyone's habits or anything, but one important thing a lot of people overlook is... do other people even know you exist? I've known people who always said they couldn't get a girlfriend or whatever but then they almost never even left their house. It's very hard to meet people from your couch. Even if you go to school or work, it might not be enough exposure if that's all you ever do.

Online dating is skewed against guys by default, because there are so many competing for a much smaller pool of women. So it doesn't mean much if you have no luck. Just that girls can afford to be extra picky and there's not enough to go around.

So no guarantee, but maybe the problem isn't you at all, but that you just need to force yourself out into the world more. Tweak your habits. Hang out in places that attract people you might have things in common with.

That is what many close family members and friends have exactly said to me. The main issue is my small group of friends I do know and have don't ever seem to want to do something. Either that or they are busy. Because I am at home a lot of the time I feel like I have no life and I want to die.

 

[Viola]

That's a horrible way to feel, that no one cares.. I'm so sorry.. So you're at college? I mean that can be a cliquey place at the best of times.
What about if you tried doing voluntary work in your spare time? It's so good for so many reasons. I do it with homeless people (Crisis) and for a start it allows you to meet other volunteers from all backgrounds who are obviously usually caring and non judgmental, you tend to have an instant rapport with them as you share a mindset of helping others, the volunteers are used to dealing with vulnerable people so if you yourself lack confidence they will be understanding and patient when talking with you. You can really make friendships and feel part of a group. Also for me when I'm there doing it it helps me stop mulling over my own problems..as I'm spending a lot of time listening to other people's. It looks good on a cv too.
You sound very interesting and appealing.. being into the vintage stuff etc. I feel like you are at an age where it's normal to struggle to find your identity and path to your future. I understand being in the autism spectrum makes things harder though. I think you sound like you have a lot going for you xx

 

[nbn]

I am 26,and i have never had a single kiss until now. A few years ago,i was little sad because i am not able to get a gf.But, now I had other physical and mental issues,and now I never think of gf. I think no having gf is a not a valid reason for ctb.

 

[Canon1]

What do you do when you get suddenly a wonderful and beautiful gf and you loose her? This is my situation and even worse

 

[LetItBleed]

On my dating profile I put this as my bio, "I'm quite shy I usually keep myself to myself. I love music, especially playing the guitar. I'm looking for a nice girl, someone who is easy to talk to and who is hoping for a relationship." But only had little likes and little attention if any.

If I may give you an honest opinion, that's not a really good bio. For one, that's too generic. Secondly, as much as I think introversion is underrated, I'm not sure it should be something you put forward at first.
The best dating profiles are usually those who doesn't look/sound like ones. That may be counterintuitive at first, but trust it. Maybe try something different. For a few days, take twenty minutes of your time and write anything that comes through your mind. Don't see it as This would look cool in a dating profile. Just write. About you, what you love doing. Add a little fantasy to your writing, let your creativity flow. You'll have more material by then.

My two cents.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

You are not the only one. I've never had a gf. It's not the main reason for me.to ctb but it's contributes.

 

[Erdapfel]

I also thought that I would need a girlfriend to be happy. I would advise you to visit a brothel in order to lose your virginity. At least that's how I did it.
I learned from this, that it is not crucial to have a girlfriend, but rather to train selflove. How do you want to love others if you can't even love yourself? I believe that with such an attitude you will always project your own self-loathing and inferiority complexes onto the relationship, which could ultimately ruin it.

It doesn't just depend on how you look. This is certainly a big factor for many women. However, there are exceptions. For example: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdomP1JqhnyBQGaBmfDl4KQ/videos?view=0&sort=p&flow=grid

I think it is unlikely that a lack of sex partners is the only reason for your deathwish. It is rather that we are exposed to many lies in this regard and we are told by society that we are only unhappy because we have no girlfriend or no boyfriend. I would advise you to look for other reasons why you are dissatisfied with yourself, although the lack of sexual partners and a lack of tenderness can of course be a big factor.