Help Is it a good idea to stay with my mentally ill partner?

[microwaved_dawg]

For some background my partner has been through some pretty nasty trauma over the years and has been diagnosed with ocd and bpd, for the most part I've endured her constant anxiety attacks with extreme reactions even leading to vomiting. I understand her and try to support her and although I don't have a diagnosis I'm not the most stable nor resilient person out there (I think my mere presence in this forum shows it), and I honestly feel like being with her has taken a toll on me.

Our relationship is flawed as fuck, even with friends constantly telling us to break up. I honestly have a lot of trouble with who she is because of family ideals and trauma (apparently it is trauma and not just some dumb shit, but ok) mainly with her past of drug addiction and her tattoos which I can't see without feeling physically sick. For her part she lives constantly stressed because she thinks I'm going to cheat on her when I get fed up of her shit, just like her ex did and gets mad over the slightest things like a woman looking a me a bit too much for her liking when we were on the bus (I didn't even notice that woman).

For the most part It's been ok, but the last few months have been EXCRUCUIATING. After the sudden passing of two of my closest relatives, a lot of school ´projects and the ´poorest academic performance I've had to this day I became quite unstable. I was always on a hair trigger, constantly under tension and she was just the cherry on top. Combined with the constant arguing and her telling me that I should see a therapist and that I was just as sick as she led to my failed CTB and a crashout detailed in another one of my posts. The worst part is that after I failed she was the one that exposed me to both my parents and my friends (with whom I cut ties due to them hating me after the attempt).

I sometimes want to leave, but I can't and she is not able to leave either. I guess we are just two love starved freaks. My therapist told me to stay as far away from her as posible because that will only cause more harm than good, but I just can't help it. I would really appreciate it if you gave me some advise about this.

 

[yowai]

You need to set boundaries and maybe distance yourself emotionally if your partner affects your mental health that badly, build some support system outside of them and maybe when you get better you'll realize there's no need to cling to them anymore
When both people are fucked up being fucked up can become a comfort zone for them and they'll be just pulling each other down, one will enable another's unhealthy behaviours etc. You need to help yourself first to be able to help someone else. Just from reading your post your relationship seems terribly suffocating

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

You need to put your priorities in order here. Your health is important. How can you help her, if yours fails? Life is never easy, and I know from my last relationship, which really made me ill, you have to put yourself first, and work on from there. Can you get any help from someone?

 

[Jack_Nimble]

Definetly leave. Or at least read a book about trauma and relationships. I'm currently reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It explains that while all relationships have challenges here and there. They should never be a constant struggle. I'll add they should never threaten your physical safety either.

That's good on you to recognize your own faults. But that doesn't mean you deserve this nightmare. I would further read into what an abusive relationship is. If she goes as far as to accuse you of cheating more than once for no good reason, that would be abuse.

I honestly don't see how you, or she could heal while in a relationship with each other.

You need to put your priorities in order here. Your health is important. How can you help her, if yours fails? Life is never easy, and I know from my last relationship, which really made me ill, you have to put yourself first, and work on from there. Can you get any help from someone?

100% no doubt. Always put yourself first ESPECIALLY if you want to help others or be there for another. If you're not doing well enough yourself there is nothing you can do for another.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I feel you. What Ive done is putting myself as the priority, as when I focused too much on being kind and helpful to others, only after like 3 years have I noticed just how much my mental has went down, especially that I found out that the person whom I was the main source of support to has been taking advantage of me for our entire relation, and did it only because she is a "human" and didnt have the balls to cut contact with me, so Ive had to do it first. Ive had a lot of trauma and problems on myself and she was just like the a catalizator to all those problems, as I didnt have time to look after myself - fuck, I even ran to her house at like 8 or 9 PM in winter when she told me she feels really down (she had suicide thoughts during that period), I comforted her but at what cost? Only for her to completly fuck me over, pretend like im a ghost for a month and then tell me that she wanted to cut ties for the past year? Fuck no.

So remember, prioritize your health, but if you feel like staying with your partner too, do so with caution.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

That sounds like a very unhealthy relationship, like you trigger the worst in the other. I had a relationship like that, always very intense, he would trigger me like no else had. It took me a whole year to fully break up because he wouldn't accept the end of the relationship. I even threatened to contact the police.

When I finally left that relationship, I felt like I could breathe again. Didn't need to walk on egg shells all the time, was no longer the worst version of myself.
Your relationship makes me think of this past relationship of mine in some aspects.

You can date someone who is mentally ill and things being alright. This guy I spoke about wasn't mentally ill, my current boyfriend is. However, even though we are both miserable, we take turns taking care of each other. He is mad at things in his life but not me. If he needs space, I understand and vice versa. When I need attention, I tell him directly, we are always very honest about what we think and what we need.

This is to say that I think things can work out when two people are mentally ill, depending on the issues that they have and how well they can communicate and compromise. I'm not sure if that can be done for your relationship, I know at some point one can't take it anymore. But just to say that being mentally ill is not an excuse to be abusive, manipulative or hurting your partner and it sounds like your partner may be looking too much at themselves in that regard.

 

[mortalityisbadass]

You need to set boundaries and maybe distance yourself emotionally if your partner affects your mental health that badly, build some support system outside of them and maybe when you get better you'll realize there's no need to cling to them anymore
When both people are fucked up being fucked up can become a comfort zone for them and they'll be just pulling each other down, one will enable another's unhealthy behaviours etc. You need to help yourself first to be able to help someone else. Just from reading your post your relationship seems terribly suffocating

I second this. Even if you love and care about her it seems like you already know the relationship is hurting you. It's heartbreaking to cut off a loved one who's suffering, but sometimes it's necessary. It is possible to leave this relationship, I'd talk to your therapist and friends about how to go about it.

 

[sximii]

I think it's important that you prioritise your mental health and well being. It sounds very tough, and I think it's better if you take some time away. It might be better for both you. I've never been in a relationship though so I don't know jack shit I'm just speculating

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I've been through a very difficult relationship for over a year and a half with an absolutely horrid female who had BPD and schizophrenia - yet wasn't even aware of either until i convinced her to go to therapy in the middle of our relationship.

• I wasn't allowed to have female friends
• I wasn't allowed to sell products of my business to women, or at least not mention it at all
• I had a whole Instagram hate page made about me with her and her friend.
• She made multiple online posts about me.
• Sometimes would call me in the middle of the night to wake me up because I liked a post on social media that belonged to a woman (even if I wasn't aware of it).
• ... And many more anecdotes

I really wouldn't ever recommend dating BPD girls, I'm not trying to shame those with the condition as I'm pretty sure even I have it myself. I understand as a male how hard it is to find a partner, but it still would be much better to remain single than to deal with what I did unless you are extremely perseverant. I had to call the police to her house several times because she would never leave me alone even when I blocked her everywhere.

I can't really guess if your partner has the same condition because there isn't enough details to go off on (a lot of stuff you mentioned was very vague) but I would recommend you read this, as it's a blunt representation of the personality disorder and might give you better understanding.