Venting Is everything just gonna be boring from now on until I die?

[a4001]

For context im 19 and have had SI since being around 11, kind of just learning to get through the days when I start to think too deeply about it. For all this time I've still been able to enjoy things, getting lost in video games, learning random shit, for my last year of high school I even managed to somehow get myself into a place where I fiddled around with projects, modded my ender 3 to high hell, did productive stuff. I managed to make a couple friends who I think really took the best out of me. I still see that as the best possible version of myself.

Its been around a year and a half since I remember truly engrossing myself into things the same as before. I'll pick up a game but be unable to play it for more than an hour or two at a time, much less continue to work on projects or have anything resembling the motivation to start. I've never really been one to do anything else, I don't watch movies or tv/anime, and I kind of never had any other hobbies that I actually ever enjoyed.

I wonder if a lot of this is motivation or just me rotting my brain with short form video or whatever, but I kind of think it's just gonna be this way now. I guess this is what being an adult is for a lot of people. That's not really a life I want, I want to be this version of myself that I know I can be but that was taken away from me by something. It's not even this ideal version of myself. I'm not asking to not be antisocial or suicidal or a loser, those are all fine I just want my one part of me that I lived for back. It's all just going on autopilot now.

Sorry if this isn't the place to post this, new user and all.

 

[itsgone2]

Hello and welcome. Just to clarify, did something happen to you? Or just always like this?
I was similar at your age in not being super passionate about many things. There was one and I should have stayed on it. Anyway maybe there's one thing for you.

 

[a4001]

Hello and welcome. Just to clarify, did something happen to you? Or just always like this?
I was similar at your age in not being super passionate about many things. There was one and I should have stayed on it. Anyway maybe there's one thing for you.

I don't think anything happened really, and not gonna assume others experiences but I do think that I'm like a lot of other users in the sense that I found quite a lot of comfort in being able to view suicide as a simple plan z, or maybe even b. It's been a while since I've had an attempt, 4y by now, but it's still always been at the back of my mind.

The biggest thing that I dread is that I was passionate about things and I just lost that. I really hope I'll get that back.

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

I think you're probably depressed. At least what you're describing is one of the major symptoms of depression. The good news is depression typically comes in episodes that last for a certain period of time. It could be years but you will likely eventually feel better. It happened to me I started feeling better for mostly no reason and then positive things happened in my life which finally ended my depressive episode. The bad news is you're likely going to feel like this for a while.

Try seeing a psychiatrist and talking to them about how you feel, if that's a possibility for you. If you don't want to take that direction (which is totally ok btw) then I would start by trying to do one "productive" thing per day. What that means is up to you. It could be just playing a game for more than an hour and enjoying yourself. Just do one productive thing per day. Try to decide what you're going to do that day the night before. It should help motivate you because you're making a plan not just deciding to do something on the spur of the moment. Once you feel like you can do that one productive thing per day try ramping it up to 2 and then 3 and so on.

My last tip is to exercise. You will feel better, it's physiological. I hope this can help you at least somewhat and I hope everything goes well for you. Also do you play melty blood at all? I used to play a lot but now I just play more casually.

 

[a4001]

The good news is depression typically comes in episodes that last for a certain period of time. It could be years but you will likely eventually feel better.

Id think so and I know that you're right, it's just hard given the fact that I wasn't really depressed for most of the time. Which is I know kind of not how it works since the state of depression isn't the same as the emotion of sustained sadness people call depression. I guess that putting that into words kinda makes it obvious but yeah.

I have been seeing a psych for quite a while now given my history and me being lucky enough to hav a support network. I haven't really that honest with them given I've just been saying that I've felt fine kind of fearing some type of negative reprecussion through loss of trust/worry from my family since I haven't really gotten to handling anything of what I need to do to live by myself but that's it's own thing.

Just do one productive thing per day. Try to decide what you're going to do that day the night before.

I think I have just not really consciously. I'm still going to college, a shitty one that I kind of got stuck with from complacency, although missed today because I couldn't get out of bed lmaooooo. I suppose the current semester also has something to do with it.

I know that the exercise part is probably the most effective strategy possible, I've had it work even for myself , not really even anything I have to say to that, just yeah.

Also do you play melty blood at all? I used to play a lot but now I just play more casually.

Unfortunately not I've thought about it but never got around to it, tho thats nothing new. I love the online persona around the character tho. Yeah yeah I know poser but burunyuuu