Is CTBing the best option for someone who has lived a miserable existence right since childhood? Do things get better in 40s, 50s, 60s etc.

[wait.what]

I'm in my early 50's and am kind of where @momento.mori and @carac are at. I have a chronic illness, and other permanent physical damage done by decades of using self-destructive coping mechanisms. I'm probably only looking at another 1-5 years, and right now I figure I can probably make it through to the end without becoming an obvious suicide "victim," pretty much for my family's sake. Really, I'm doing suicide on the installment plan due to my general apathy about everything, including doctors' orders.

So long as I'm not enduring unbearable suffering, I can hack this. I have a cat I'm very fond of. I watch a lot of educational programs, partly because nature docs are pretty, and partly because of the comparatively low emotional demands they put on the viewer. I can't take the "gritty" style of modern drama where everything is SA and murder. Shit, my actual life will have me picking grit out of my teeth until the day I finally keel over.

I don't actually know if that constitutes life getting "better" or not. Life has this habit of getting better, then getting worse again, and then better, and then worse. You get into a new relationship, and then you lose your job or your health goes to hell. As some Wall Street wolf once said when somebody asked him what the stock market was going to do: "It will fluctuate."

Edit: @Linda, you rock star! Why are you even here? :p

 

[Linda]

Hey thanks for adding to this discussion. Since ur 70, ur perspective is important.

Its cool how u concluded that really early on. That life has no purpose. For me, i always thought the purpose was to keep getting better and levelling up and since having to experience a few set backs in my life and also being dealt a few terribly bad hands that i feel like i may never recover from, thats when i decided ctb ing is an option.

So the take away is ? Have short term goals ? I never had those. I had long term goals only. Maybe thats my problem?

It's not a problem at all. You achieve a long term goal by means of a whole series of shorter term ones.

You can't choose which cards life deals you, but how well you play the hand you have been dealt is entirely up to you.

 

[Meteora]

I m 45 now and the only thing that let me carry on was hope. Unfortunately, things got even worse and the feeling that I was stupid hoping and trusting is devastating. Wished I could say something more positive....

 

[minusgrader]

I talked to one guy a while ago who was suicidal for a long time. Throughout much of his youth and twenties and stuff. And he said that his recovery began when he was like mid 40s. And after that things get better for him and stayed that way.

But I'm sure there are people who don't recover too.

The answer to this question is unsatisfying, probably, but I think it's true: It depends. It does for some people, and it doesn't for others. The why I'm sure depends on the person too.

Why they felt bad in the first place. What things they hadn't tried yet to get better. What things they ended up trying that actually got them better.

I mean, just 5 minutes ago right before coming here I saw someone talk about how their depression got so much better once they dropped alcohol and drugs, started a business, started working out, started reading, etc. And that can work. He's not the only one I've heard that from. And scientifically, some of those things are shown to be helpful to a lot of people.

But then you have me. I work out 3 times a week. I don't go biking much anymore lately, but for a long time I went biking regularly on top of working out. I've never used drugs and barely drink alcohol. Until recently I was a voracious reader and trying to start my own business. And yet I'm here on this site and I want to die.

I did pretty much everything that other person did, and yet I'm still here and haven't gotten any better. What is different about them compared to me? I don't know. But clearly it's something.

So can you get better? Yes, people do get better. People can feel like shit for years or decades and still recover like that first person. There are testimonies all over the internet that prove that (and research also shows it to be true). But there's only one way to find out if that's you and that's to try things. Making a decision to say, I'm gonna try. And it may work out, and it may not work out, but at least I've tried. Suicide is always an option in the end. If you want it, it'll be there. But you might as well try whatever you can to get better before you resort to it. Because that decision is, by its nature, final and irreversible. Whereas the decision to try to get better can be changed at any time you wish.

You are the only one who can make this decision for yourself. But for my part, I hope you find the strength you need to recover. And in a few decades you're the one telling other people the story about how you suffered for a long time but things got better for you.

Edit: As a sidenote, this website may not be the best place to ask this question. Because by the nature of this website it draws people to it that have not recovered. This place is a place, primarily, that is unique in that it helps people die, after all. Most people who have recovered, especially if they recovered a long time ago, won't be here to answer your question. So you're likely to get a biased response tending towards people who haven't recovered. Although I understand why you asked it here because, unfortunately, in a lot of other places people find it too taboo a question to ask.

What a wonderful reply. Very thoughtful and insightful.