Discussion is ctb comforting or anxiety inducing to you?

[Rob1984]

Just knowing I won't exist forever is comforting. It means all my anxieties, mistakes, regrets, pains, memories, etc. will one day vanish. I personally am not afraid of death. I just am not ready to meet it. I get glimpses of hope here and there, and those keep me going. At least for now they do.

 

[prone2fury]

i'd say equal amounts of both. i'd chalk up the anxiety to the general chaos the act would leave in its wake, successful or not. not the least of which is because i'm a huge baby. practically speaking, though, the idea of all of my problems going away all at once is one of those things that sounds too good to be true, but i know to be feasible and accessible. so that's nice.

but yeah, do i have a cup of coffee or, yada yada yada

 

[vipatherappa]

It really depends for me. When I'm stressed, my brain can't help but fixate about the potential pain of any one method, but when I feel happy or euphoric, it just fills me with a sense of calm.

 

[PoisonousPotato]

comforting is a weak term. ctb is the only thing between me and despair. I'm anxious af about anyone trying to "save" me

 

[cogmachine]

well i guess new york, san francisco, mexico, maybe brazil again, singapore, china, north korea, south korea, japan, australia. … the problem is finding all the money for this,, anyone wanna rob a bank with me?

all for it baws

 

[ThisIsLife]

Both.
I could care less about the pain of death. I have fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis, a 4-6 on the pain scale is a daily occurrence. I've had kidney stones. I know what pain is. I deal with it 24/7.

What terrifies me though is what happens after it's successful. I'm not religious, although I consider myself an omnist. I believe what everyone believes is real. But I personally don't put my faith to one deity. And with so many theories of what happens after death, who's to know which one is real, when it's impossible to prove with science?
Ideally, I'd want to die and become a ghost. But I'm unsure if that's real. Although I do believe in the paranormal, in my head it has certain requirements, like unfinished business or something.
Or maybe Heaven and Hell is real, in which I'd undoubtedly probably just end up in Hell. Endless flames and pain. Probably not as bad as living real life, but still just as exhausting, so what would be the point of it?
Or reincarnation, in which I'll forget everything and become a new person. I don't want to trap my soul in an endless search of the perfect life.
Or maybe it's simple- nothing, nothing at all. Which is hard for my brain to even imagine. At every given moment, at least one of my senses is active, sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch. So trying to imagine none of that forever. No thoughts even, no awareness that you're even dead. If I'm not able to appreciate the relief suicide is meant to give me, what is the point either? I won't be at peace. I won't be upset either. Nothing. I could just be nothing.

For a lot of people I think suicide is about control. I can agree. Which is why the uncertainty of the afterlife bothers me. I'm not sure if there is control over that. Or if it even exists at all.
Unless we manage to miraculously prove what happens to the human spirit after death with concrete evidence, I'll probably be alive.

I've found a few weeks ago a YT channel that deals with the subject.
No matter what you believe in or think, the testimonies are useful to ask ourselves these important questions.

I find them very reassuring about death.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfZXVkDtwEEMC-jUcLkzDYQ

 

[cristaleyez]

I've found a few weeks ago a YT channel that deals with the subject.
No matter what you believe in or think, the testimonies are useful to ask ourselves these important questions.

I find them very reassuring about death.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfZXVkDtwEEMC-jUcLkzDYQ

Thank you. I'll have to watch these.

 

[Next-to-Nil]

The idea itself is comforting, but I'm way too resilient for some reason and I'm anxious at the idea of surviving yet another attempt.

 

[▪︎⚠ ＫＯＨＩ ⚠▪︎]

Same over here, although most of the cases when I'm enduring a really hard time I consider it and feels calming the idea of finally leaving this place, often, when my crisis episode calms down or I take it through a deep analisis like, planning and that stuff, I start feeling eager. It may also have something with the fact of overthinking death and start asking myself where would I go when it is all done, but always end up feeling uncertain and anxious towards the unknown of what would happen after dying.

 

[Caoine01]

The thought of having the opportunity to do CTB makes me feel calm and euphoric.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's definitely a mixture for me. The idea of being dead is calming- no more worries, no more trying. The feelings also cause massive frustration though because I don't feel like I can go while my Dad is still here. Plus- the ACTUAL act of doing it frightens me- the possibility of pain/ fear/ the attempt failing.

 

[SenseOfLoss]

At first, it was a liberating thought for me to have the opportunity to escape my misery. I feverishly searched for ways to take my life. Despair set in as I gradually realized that it was not at all easy to find a feasible method. In the end, I found one that I would not have chosen, but which nevertheless seemed peaceful to me. Unfortunately, I ultimately failed to overcome the Si. And the comfortable feeling of simply being able to leave this world turned into a terrible fear. The fear of not being able to escape. The feverish search began anew. Suddenly I felt extremely exhausted from the many attempts, the preparations for this and also from leaving everything neatly and orderly behind me. In addition, the pain that I would do to my family. Now the feeling has remained that I absolutely have to die, but it feels not calming or comforting anymore.

 

[cogmachine]

At first, it was a liberating thought for me to have the opportunity to escape my misery. I feverishly searched for ways to take my life. Despair set in as I gradually realized that it was not at all easy to find a feasible method. In the end, I found one that I would not have chosen, but which nevertheless seemed peaceful to me. Unfortunately, I ultimately failed to overcome the Si. And the comfortable feeling of simply being able to leave this world turned into a terrible fear. The fear of not being able to escape. The feverish search began anew. Suddenly I felt extremely exhausted from the many attempts, the preparations for this and also from leaving everything neatly and orderly behind me. In addition, the pain that I would do to my family. Now the feeling has remained that I absolutely have to die, but it feels not calming or comforting anymore.

the anxiety of having nothing to lean back on because you can't "just do it" is something i can very much confide in as well. not wanting to live, but not wanting to do it to yourself, either. those depths are terrifying to jump into, with no way to turn back or whether to know you'll turn back.

 

[Tartuffe]

I feel relaxed having SN. I still need other bits but I'm happy to be more than half way there. I did have an anxious attack the other day reading taking the Benzos to fall asleep, once you close the eyes and drop off theres no coming back. I have brushed it off now, I know why I am doing what I am and I'm relaxed about it again.

 

[devoutweiss]

ever since i started to seriously consider it, i've been in a mix of peace and grueling fear of what is supposed to happen after it. despite thinking i finally have something to fall back on, the uncertainty is killing me and calming at the same time.

Comforting, by far. I used to have a problem with guilt and at some level still do, but much less and not enough to be a reason not to go forward with it. As selfish as it is, i'm not going to be here, i don't need to be surrounded by it. I'll be at peace.

 

[umbra_]

Extremely comforting, especially now that I'm older than I was before my previous attempts and I have viable methods either stored away or on the way.

I have never been able to relax and enjoy life as much as I have since i started seriously planning and getting prepared. My other mental health symptoms, like my eating disorder, are quieter. It doesn't feel like I need to slowly starve myself because I have other reliable options. I feel free, tranquil, open.

 

[Archness]

Apart from the pain of ctb, being dead itself would be infinite tranquility. Reduced to absolute zero.

There's no afterlife. But there's no return either. The permanence of it all what I'm really afraid of. Doing something permanent always caused anxiety in me.

I'd probably take some benzos before the plunge tbh.

 

[lovesurroundsyou]

The idea of death comforts me, and I'm not afraid of dying.

But anything related to my own ctb fills me with dread. Reason being that I don't have a reliable method to fall back on. Every single one of my attempts have failed, and I've had dozens of 'em! The most reliable options are not available or heavily restricted to me, so I can only do with more risky stuff. I've been trying to actively die for 7+ years now, and have been institutionalized thrice so far for not having been able to hide certain attempts while living with certain people.

A lot of people state that having a method, a stash of SN somewhere or something else, gives them comfort because they know they can just exit out if shit hits the fan. I can't, so I live in a state of near-constant anxiety, unable to live but also not able to die either :(

 

[nico_wren]

Death itself scares me since I have no idea what happens after.

But non-existence sounds comforting..

 

[Octavia]

As much as I dislike admitting it, the idea of dying does makes me a little bit nervous as I do not know if anything would happen after it. However I still find the idea of ending myself to be oddly reassuring, as I would always have a way out of whatever trouble I may run into. Some people can count on their family when all else fails, and others count on Death when they need help.

 

[LateForTheBus]

Both. The idea of ctb is comforting, but I have fear that my attempt will be unsuccessful.