Is ctb a free choice for you or are you being pushed toward ctb because of unbearable circumstances?

[Ambivalent1]

I'm so angry that I'm being pushed toward it. I wanted to live and be happy again like I once was. Being tortured as a child and then developing mental illnesses that worsened as an adult and confined me to being on disability and made finding friends and relationships an impossibility as well as a job. I'm being punished and I don't deserve this shit!

 

[lnlybnny]

Circumstances are pushing me to do it more and more each day, mostly due to my lack of ability to "fit in" in this world

 

[Ambivalent1]

Circumstances are pushing me to do it more and more each day, mostly due to my lack of ability to "fit in" in this world

How come you don't fit in?

 

[goingtokillmyself]

Circumstances are pushing me to do it more and more each day, mostly due to my lack of ability to "fit in" in this world

Real

 

[albstr1403]

I'm backed into a corner by physical and mental illness :( I wish god would just let me be healthy

 

[Praestat_Mori]

In my case I'm pushed to CTB bc of my circumstances. Currently not so much but my situation can change and become worse again. However I still see CTB as a free choice to prevent myself from further suffering but there is SI, hope, a will to live and that doesn't make the situation any better

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

For me my unbearable circumstances are also my choice. As long as I am alive I will continue to make self sabotaging choices that make my life increasingly worse so in comparison choosing to CTB is the only form of self love I can reasonably expect to practice.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wonder if it's always our circumstances pushing us towards this. I imagine for most people, they feel forced to live a life they don't want to and it either feels too difficult/ impossible to change or, they have no more fight left to do it.

CTB is still a choice for all of us though. I suspect many of us need things to become truly unbearable to go ahead with it. Given how risky and potentially painful suicide could be, I wonder just how many people do it before their situation feels dire (to them.) If it was easier, more accessable, peaceful, I wonder if that would impact how many people would do it before things got so bad.

Ultimately though- we have made the choice now to keep living rather than attempt to die. It's still a choice. In terms of a free choice rather than one being made under pressure- it is one we are being pressured in to but I think it's because life doesn't give us free choice either! We can't just do anything. We likely can't even fulfill our needs satisfactorily. I suspect it's the frustration and mysery that that brings that pushes people to try and escape.

It's like when you get threads that ask what someone would need to not CTB. It's not that those things are always impossible but they are likely improbable for us a lot of the time- otherwise, we'd be doing them- surely? People (rightly) want to be free of their illnesses. People (rightly) want enough money to live comfortably. People (rightly) want to be free of the trauma they may well have gone through. All of those things can be difficult verging on impossible to obtain.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

I have too many mental problems to mention but the main one is boredom from not being able to enjoy anything, if I could actually watch TV and play games for most of the day like I used to I wouldn't be here.

 

[lost_ange2211]

I mean yes circumstances lead to our messed up life and mental problems but in the end it is still your choice. You can decide if you want to ctb or live through the pain and suffering.

 

[slushy2]

i love your pfp. i watched that movie and felt that little star too lol.

 

[Forveleth]

I mean yes circumstances lead to our messed up life and mental problems but in the end it is still your choice. You can decide if you want to ctb or live through the pain and suffering.

Pretty much this. I have posted a few times here that I have a parents and a partner that have both contributed to my deteriorating mental state and while I know I could put in the effort to get them out of my life and improve things, I'm damn tired. I am choosing to ctb as I feel I don't have the ability to go through all of the turmoil that must come first before I ultimately would have the potential to recover.

 

[ASp4E]

It's a free choice for me, which I'm very grateful for.

 

[fleetingnight]

I feel this, I keep thinking about it. It doesn't feel entirely like a choice when it feels like your only option.

 

[Ash]

If I were financially independent and had enough to pay for and maintain the home and lifestyle I long for (nothing fancy), excellent therapy to help with my mental health and someone to come in every week to do the cleaning then I could actually make a real choice. And I would choose to live as I'd have the freedom to make the most of everything I love and proper support to manage the things I find the most difficult. But I don't have that so it's not a choice, not really.

 

[lnlybnny]

How come you don't fit in?

I don't have any means to survive in this world nor do I want to. I'm approaching my 30s as a neet, don't have any dreams regarding any type of "career" and the pressure is just growing. I feel already dead for over 10 years. I still love some precious things in life, mostly "parasocial" loves, I sabotage myself all the time, can't support myself to go on like this. My mental health is deteriorating each year, can't take any of that anymore. I truly feel like I shouldn't be here, I've been isolating myself for over 10 years and freak the f out when have to interact with people. I'm seen as an alien and I don't mind that but the people who "sustain" my way of living make me feel ashamed and all the time I get the feeling they want to kick me out. This is no way of living. I want out, I know I need to. But if I got the chance to live with/for the loves I stated above perhaps I would. But the reality is different and I need to go.

 

[Vicolo cieco]

Because of unbearable circumstances: NEET, never had a relationship, extreme social anxiety, depression, complete erectile dysfunction, etc.

 

[totheendofinfinity]

I feel the same. Grieving the life I could've had, everything I will be missing out on when I ctb. Just want to have a normal happy life.

 

[ThisGameIsOverrated]

Technically it's a choice as my life isn't too bad but I feel like I'm pushed to it by how mundane life inherently is

 

[kyhoti]

Well, it is difficult to say in my case, really. I'm in my 50's, with bad health etc etc. It's more akin to a contingency plan for me. I've got this option in my back pocket, so to speak. After spending a year locked up, my body and mind are shot out, but I'm still sucking air. I just don't want to be in the situation where the choice to CTB is denied me, either through being locked up again, or through being physically unable. When I think of "being pushed", I think of the people on 9/11 who leaped from the Towers. I am not that bad off.

 

[Arachno]

It's beacuse of the worsening circumstances pushing in my case, I wish I didn't have to CTB, but every day it becomes more apparent that it's my only option.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I feel the same. Grieving the life I could've had, everything I will be missing out on when I ctb. Just want to have a normal happy life.

I try and tell myself that ultimately it wouldn't matter if I had the life I wanted or not since death would annihilate it anyway. But that's not really that comforting.

 

[Ghostgirl]

I'm being pushed to it from my mistakes from drinking and saying a bunch of random stuff. I also have a list of mental illnesses and psychotic breaks. It's just so much on my plate and I feel massive guilt.

 

[Sk1rtd4b]

I'm so angry that I'm being pushed toward it. I wanted to live and be happy again like I once was. Being tortured as a child and then developing mental illnesses that worsened as an adult and confined me to being on disability and made finding friends and relationships an impossibility as well as a job. I'm being punished and I don't deserve this shit!

Yea I agree with this, I had the life I loved and I lost it. I don't wanna die and I have a post dedicated to that exact statement but I feel like it's the only escape from the constant pain brought with everyday.

 

[lostmeaning]

Yep.. I already also had a terrible childhood. I probably inherited worse mental health genetically through my parents, but also being emotionally abused and the "black sheep" sibling, everyone acts like nothing ever happened. Despite all that I did great in school for a better future, self harmed since I was 12 etc parents saw never cared. Stopped doing it completely for about a year and now I feel like it again, who cares I guess since I'm too scared to be able to ever wear long sleeves ever again without skin surgery. Didn't end up being able to go to college since I moved out in HS and had to support myself after just losing my job from SA.

Now here I am years later after having to waste so much of my life unlike my siblings who got a chance to set themselves up for success with college or whatever else, and I have developed chronic pain to where I am going to have to apply for disability too right now. I can't work like this anymore and going to school is really difficult, I might try to continue with accomodations but it feels pointless since my pain is incurable for a year now so I will have a degree I can't even get a job with, or leave for a job that will accommodate me and then if I lose it I have no support and no disabiltiy so just doomed. So even attempting to be independent is not smart when I could only work very very little jobs that will cater to me. It's worse that I don't think my family even believes me that I'm in chronic pain and think I'm making it up so I don't have to work or think I just have depression etc. Well I've always had depression and anxiety but I push through that (not that anyone on disability for it doesn't need it), physically impossible for me to push through chronic physical pain.

I want to live right now, have kind of a LDR going though we've never met but I'm supposed to meet soon and move there soon or after college. So I feel like I finally have a life planned and now its all taken away. I feel like if I die they will say it was depression etc, when I truly am having medical issues and I don't want them making up stuff. Yeah sorry to write a whole essay but I understand your pain. Being born in an abusive family that alone is one of the worst pains/issues that sets you up for a lot of problems.