Is being lonely your whole life better than having affection but losing it all?

[missmyworld]

I have been entirely friendless for the majority of my life. I don't consider people I just talk to occassionally as friends, though, because they never treat me like one. But how would this compare to someone who's been able to socialize, but lost it? As in you had someone important but the connection severed for whatever reason. I've longed to be special, but I'm now reconsidering it, now that I think about how easy it would be to lose it all.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Losing people really sucks. I think more about partners, in that I know losing a partner can feel much worse than the loneliness you had before that. You probably get used to losing people eventually.

 

[Ovid]

I have friends, and I have lost friends. I lost my all time best friend. All of my romantic relationships have ended poorly, my last relationship ended so poorly that I am anxious about it years later. But I still make new friends, my girlfriend and I are in love, and I don't give up even though I have failed in the past. I have lost many of my childhood friends and yet I still prevail because I know that I have more people to meet. If I lose the friends that I have now, if my relationship ends - even if it ends poorly - I will not give up because I know that human connection matters and makes me fulfilled. Please don't listen to the poster above me.
It really is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
I encourage you to never stop trying to connect to others. I understand that sometimes kindness is one-sided, but that is no reason to not be kind. Good people will see how kind you are. Please try to treat every new person as someone who could become your friend, because that is how all friendship begin. Don't be afraid to talk to new people, don't be afraid to lose people, care for others and yourself.

 

[missmyworld]

I have friends, and I have lost friends. I lost my all time best friend. All of my romantic relationships have ended poorly, my last relationship ended so poorly that I am anxious about it years later. But I still make new friends, my girlfriend and I are in love, and I don't give up even though I have failed in the past. I have lost many of my childhood friends and yet I still prevail because I know that I have more people to meet. If I lose the friends that I have now, if my relationship ends - even if it ends poorly - I will not give up because I know that human connection matters and makes me fulfilled. Please don't listen to the poster above me.
It really is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
I encourage you to never stop trying to connect to others. I understand that sometimes kindness is one-sided, but that is no reason to not be kind. Good people will see how kind you are. Please try to treat every new person as someone who could become your friend, because that is how all friendship begin. Don't be afraid to talk to new people, don't be afraid to lose people, care for others and yourself.

Thank you for the reply! I'm anxious about attachment and the complications which come from it, but I think you're right about how connections are always worth while. I don't think Ive "put myself out there" very much to be quite honest, but I certainly am grateful for the scarce experiences i've had. I'll definitely try to move forward with that.

 

[Ovid]

Thank you for the reply! I'm anxious about attachment and the complications which come from it, but I think you're right about how connections are always worth while. I don't think Ive "put myself out there" very much to be quite honest, but I certainly am grateful for the scarce experiences i've had. I'll definitely try to move forward with that.

Thanks for the honest response too. I do share your anxiety about creating, keeping, and losing relationships, but I can say for certain that they are worth it.

 

[DeletedAccount0864]

Losing people really sucks. I think more about partners, in that I know losing a partner can feel much worse than the loneliness you had before that. You probably get used to losing people eventually.

Yes. I think about it a lot because many years later I still haven't gotten over the love of my life. If I was just alone and remained that way, I might feel sad about being lonely, but I wouldn't have this excruciating pain that I've carried for so long.

 

[Linda]

The 19th century English poet Tennyson, in his long series of poems "In Memoriam", wrote these lines:
Tis better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all.
I would use less flowery language, but I agree with him.

 

[Andrews]

The difference between friendless / with friends depends a lot on your current inner state.

For example, I've been lonely before getting employed. Then a lot more sociable due to work. After losing capacity to work, I've been lonely again.

Now I see my old self as very superficial. So was my socializing as well. So I don't regret losing everyone I knew. Better not to socialize than wasting time with trivial chit chats.

There's levels and levels in everything.
Socializing can be like the drawing of a 10 year old or like the one of an artist. This is what I meant when I've said it depends on the inner state of the person involved in it.
You need to find someone around your level to do it, otherwise it's wasted time.

However I do think a bit of socializing can help, even if it's with a random stranger. I sometimes do it for a minute or two to ease anxiety or boredom. I could attempt longer chats but I'd lose interest quickly. Probably if I'd find someone with common interests I'd do it… but then I wouldn't like him to discover the sad part of my life related to unemploymentand pain :)

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Wouldn't I have avoided the pain altogether if I had never loved at all?

 

[lovelydeath]

I think its better to have experienced affection at some point. You'll have your good memories when you get used to the feeling of loosing them. Also, just like, you got to experience affection. Don't give up please. But also look on the bright side, the feeling of being alone doesnt seem to be that bad for you so even if it doesnt happen maybe you don't have to fret that much.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't know. It's complicated as I've been friendless for all my life irl and don't know the alternate. I don't even have the people to talk to occasionally like how you do. I never even had an irl acquaintance. Still, I think that with my level of loneliness, it's better to have had friends than to have completely nobody to rely on for all of your life. Humans aren't meant to go through life alone and doing so just adds extra difficulty to life. Though of course this level of loneliness that I've been through is way extreme than what anybody else in their life has ever been through so many what I'm saying isn't applicable to the normal lonely person.

Wouldn't I have avoided the pain altogether if I had never loved at all?

You would, yes, but then you would get a different kind of pain from being lonely and alone as many people would. Unless if you're just a natural loner that is. So the pain would be there; it would just be a different kind of pain instead

 

[Ironborn]

Every now and again I think being social would help me, then I interact with people and realise I prefer solitude even if it is bad for me.
I just don't have the energy for the amount of bullshit other people expect you to deal with.

I'll deal with my problems by myself because I sure as fuck want nothing to do with yours.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

You would, yes, but then you would get a different kind of pain from being lonely and alone as many people would. Unless if you're just a natural loner that is. So the pain would be there; it would just be a different kind of pain instead

I've never been loved like that before. I don't even know how it would feel, feels alien to me. How can I miss what I don't have? I don't know, it's complicated.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I've never been loved like that before. I don't even know how it would feel, feels alien to me. How can I miss what I don't have? I don't know, it's complicated.

Neither have I. I think that the human body doesn't care as to what it missed or not when it comes to things like this. In other words, I believe that somebody who doesn't know what friendship is like would still crave it because that's what the human body wants

 

[Callie Arcale]

I don't think one option is better than the other. You suffer no matter which one you choose.

As someone who's had a deep, almost perfect relationship for more than a decade, and lost it, I can tell you that time dies not heal all wounds. It hurts just as much today, as the day my partner left me many years ago. The suffering poisons every second of my existence.

I can also tell you that I wanted the kind of relationship I had, more than anything in the world. The desire for love, for a soul mate, for complete surrender and harmony with another being, consumed me. So I know I would have been equally miserable had I never met my ex.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

[KafkaF]

I have been entirely friendless for the majority of my life. I don't consider people I just talk to occassionally as friends, though, because they never treat me like one. But how would this compare to someone who's been able to socialize, but lost it? As in you had someone important but the connection severed for whatever reason. I've longed to be special, but I'm now reconsidering it, now that I think about how easy it would be to lose it all.

Honestly, I don't know.

Missing my previous girlfriend is a big part of why I'm here. It hurts so much that I can barely make it through the day sometimes. Would I be in less pain right now if I had never met her? Probably. But I also would not have had all the incredible memories and happiness that she brought me either.

I guess overall I'm still glad that I met her. But the price I've paid for it in terms of pain has been very steep.

As for friends, I've never had a huge problem with them leaving my life. Friends come and go, that's just the way it is. It can suck sometimes but compared to heartbreak it's nothing, imo.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Neither have I. I think that the human body doesn't care as to what it missed or not when it comes to things like this. In other words, I believe that somebody who doesn't know what friendship is like would still crave it because that's what the human body wants

Not everyone.

 

[Homo erectus]

I think one may seek truth and approval in friends; or believe that truth is "out there", books don't lie, friends are opinionated, manipulative, etc. Either way, one may lose it. Books, media, friends, everything may lie. It's difficult to say which is more reliable, dependable and indispensable. It's very much by chance. Early experience of betrayal might make one more independent, scientific and objective.