Is anyone else planning way ahead for the future, like 10+ years?

[lynn14]

A friendly hello to all. I was just wondering if anyone is dealing with ctb-tier depression, but due to circumstance is committed to living for at least another several years, if not longer? Because I have young children and I am still trying to start a business. Obviously I want to wait until my kids are older and independent, to where it will less significantly alter the course of their lives.

In addition it just seems retarded to have spent years and thousands on my education just to exit before even attempting at success in business. So for these reasons, I am committed to continue living, for the foreseeable future. But for other emotionally crippling reasons I won't get into detail about in this particular post, I really just disdain my own life completely and every day I desire death. I have determined (now, in my 30's) that I simply won't have the will or endurance to survive menopause. So once my ovaries start sputtering out, that really will be completely it for me, personally. By then I should have attained at least some of what I feel my life's purpose is, as pitifully insignificant as that it, it is a strong driver in my will to live and SI. I just can't shake the feeling of incompletion.

The only way I can see myself CTB-ing earlier is if, in one of my semi-frequent nervous breakdown, depressive episodes, I impulsively and recklessly take my life out of sheer impulsive turmoil. It is honestly doubtful that this will happen. If it ever did I would let you guys know.

In the mean time, however, my suffering and desire for death isn't any less. It seems that ctb is inevitable for me, but when and how I get there will be on my own terms.

In the mean time this community means the world. I hope someone out there can relate to wanting to die and yet being restrained by circumstance.

 

[AtomicNewt]

I can relate to this - apart from the achieving anything had decided I couldn't live but have young children. Set 40 for my sanctuary as kids would all be adults by then. But the pain is so intense and getting worse I'm not sure I can manage. Feel even more horrific as my children are beautiful and I love them but I am dead inside. I've become I terrible parent, not a abusive but completely detected, unable to do any of the things I want to or used to. The last two years have eaten me and my kids now don't even expect me at school things or anything else. That makes me feel even more useless and dead. The point I'm at now is that me dying soon won't be as bad as them carrying on with someone who is so dysfunctional with depression and an all consuming desire to ctb. They'll be better without me. Honestly. If you're trying to make something with your life do it, you can reevaluate later, but if you can find a way forward for now do. X For me it's over and I hate what that means for my children. I'm already the living dead.

 

[inconsequential]

Not really. I have a thing with myself that I won't CTB until I can't enjoy the thing I love the most anymore. Most of the things I enjoy are entirely gone from me— but I'm hanging onto this one.

I begged for death this morning because I could feel my spine radiating through my chest, but then a sunbeam hit me. I love the sun. When I don't love the sun, it is my time.

 

[Bärchen]

I save about 1000€ each month for retirement and/or buying a Apartment,....i dont think anything of that will happen

 

[AsexualBarbieBoy]

No, I'm not planning past my suicide note which is taking forever because I'm a detailed writer. I'm just scared I'm going going to snap before its done. I should be applying for my PhD studies but I don't have the energy and I know I'm at the end of my rope. The idea of making it into next year is unfathomable.

 

[Jynxer]

I can totally relate to you. I'm in my late 30's as well. I'm holding out for my gramma. She's 82 and I do all of her errands and some other things for her. Both of my parents have been dead for awhile now, so she has no one else ( I'm an only child as was my dad). I'm also holding out for my kitty.

Sometimes it seems like why the fuck am I suffering so these other people won't?? I bet you feel that way sometimes, too. Although, I can't even imagine your situation as I don't have kids ( but I do feel as if my cat was my child)

I'm glad you've decided to hold on for now, It's all anyone can do in this horrible world.

 

[Halo13]

I can totally relate to you. I'm in my late 30's as well. I'm holding out for my gramma. She's 82 and I do all of her errands and some other things for her. Both of my parents have been dead for awhile now, so she has no one else ( I'm an only child as was my dad). I'm also holding out for my kitty.

Sometimes it seems like why the fuck am I suffering so these other people won't?? I bet you feel that way sometimes, too. Although, I can't even imagine your situation as I don't have kids ( but I do feel as if my cat was my child)

I'm glad you've decided to hold on for now, It's all anyone can do in this horrible world.

Same here but with my dog. The story about your family and grandmother mirrors my own however she's gone now. I absolutely couldn't ctb when she relied on my help every day - I applaud you for waiting for her, sincerely.

 

[Jynxer]

Same here but with my dog. The story about your family and grandmother mirrors my own however she's gone now. I absolutely couldn't ctb when she relied on my help every day - I applaud you for waiting for her, sincerely.

Well thank you. Sorry to hear about your grandmother. But, fortunately it's not every day yet. More like 1-2 a week. She lives 45 mins away from me, so every day isn't an option with my job.
It's amazing how we can suffer so much so our family members won't. Fuck people who say everyone who commits suicide is selfish!

 

[Halo13]

Well thank you. Sorry to hear about your grandmother. But, fortunately it's not every day yet. More like 1-2 a week. She lives 45 mins away from me, so every day isn't an option with my job.
It's amazing how we can suffer so much so our family members won't. Fuck people who say everyone who commits suicide is selfish!

Exactly right! It's a thankless job.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

A friendly hello to all. I was just wondering if anyone is dealing with ctb-tier depression, but due to circumstance is committed to living for at least another several years, if not longer? Because I have young children and I am still trying to start a business. Obviously I want to wait until my kids are older and independent, to where it will less significantly alter the course of their lives.

In addition it just seems retarded to have spent years and thousands on my education just to exit before even attempting at success in business. So for these reasons, I am committed to continue living, for the foreseeable future. But for other emotionally crippling reasons I won't get into detail about in this particular post, I really just disdain my own life completely and every day I desire death. I have determined (now, in my 30's) that I simply won't have the will or endurance to survive menopause. So once my ovaries start sputtering out, that really will be completely it for me, personally. By then I should have attained at least some of what I feel my life's purpose is, as pitifully insignificant as that it, it is a strong driver in my will to live and SI. I just can't shake the feeling of incompletion.

The only way I can see myself CTB-ing earlier is if, in one of my semi-frequent nervous breakdown, depressive episodes, I impulsively and recklessly take my life out of sheer impulsive turmoil. It is honestly doubtful that this will happen. If it ever did I would let you guys know.

In the mean time, however, my suffering and desire for death isn't any less. It seems that ctb is inevitable for me, but when and how I get there will be on my own terms.

In the mean time this community means the world. I hope someone out there can relate to wanting to die and yet being restrained by circumstance.

I couldn't have said it better. I feel like I'm just biding time for the next several years. I came to this site because of news media and I feel like I'm in limbo until the right time happens. There are obviously outside factors, but for the most part, I'm biding my time for the right time to pass. I'm gaining insight and comradeship in the meantime. It's difficult most days but that's what life is all about. Ups and downs. Trying to make the best of what time I have left - a positive impact so that energy is passed on, not the pain.

 

[lynn14]

I can relate to this - apart from the achieving anything had decided I couldn't live but have young children. Set 40 for my sanctuary as kids would all be adults by then. But the pain is so intense and getting worse I'm not sure I can manage. Feel even more horrific as my children are beautiful and I love them but I am dead inside. I've become I terrible parent, not a abusive but completely detected, unable to do any of the things I want to or used to. The last two years have eaten me and my kids now don't even expect me at school things or anything else. That makes me feel even more useless and dead. The point I'm at now is that me dying soon won't be as bad as them carrying on with someone who is so dysfunctional with depression and an all consuming desire to ctb. They'll be better without me. Honestly. If you're trying to make something with your life do it, you can reevaluate later, but if you can find a way forward for now do. X For me it's over and I hate what that means for my children. I'm already the living dead.

I really like the idea of setting a sanctuary age, I'll have to give that some thought. It might make living in the mean time more bearable. That is rough, I am really sorry to hear all of that. I can relate to the feeling of the pain being so intense that you're not sure you'll make it. Ideally I'll make it to 40 as well. By then my kids will be 10, 14, and 18. Ideally-ideally I'd like to make it until they're all at least 18. But the world isn't an ideal place, who actually knows if I'll be able to pull through until then. I can understand how a person could get to the place you're at, and I wish you all the best in your timing and what you decide to do.

 

[Ashpac]

I cant even see past the next year never mind 10 plus years.

 

[GeorgeJL]

A friendly hello to all. I was just wondering if anyone is dealing with ctb-tier depression, but due to circumstance is committed to living for at least another several years, if not longer? Because I have young children and I am still trying to start a business. Obviously I want to wait until my kids are older and independent, to where it will less significantly alter the course of their lives.

In addition it just seems retarded to have spent years and thousands on my education just to exit before even attempting at success in business. So for these reasons, I am committed to continue living, for the foreseeable future. But for other emotionally crippling reasons I won't get into detail about in this particular post, I really just disdain my own life completely and every day I desire death. I have determined (now, in my 30's) that I simply won't have the will or endurance to survive menopause. So once my ovaries start sputtering out, that really will be completely it for me, personally. By then I should have attained at least some of what I feel my life's purpose is, as pitifully insignificant as that it, it is a strong driver in my will to live and SI. I just can't shake the feeling of incompletion.

The only way I can see myself CTB-ing earlier is if, in one of my semi-frequent nervous breakdown, depressive episodes, I impulsively and recklessly take my life out of sheer impulsive turmoil. It is honestly doubtful that this will happen. If it ever did I would let you guys know.

In the mean time, however, my suffering and desire for death isn't any less. It seems that ctb is inevitable for me, but when and how I get there will be on my own terms.

In the mean time this community means the world. I hope someone out there can relate to wanting to die and yet being restrained by circumstance.

You should check out my recent post as it relates to your situation.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...n-for-older-people-for-suicidal-people.17171/

Basically you can get on hormone replacement therapy to help you live longer if needed.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I'm waiting for both my parents to pass before I ctb. We lost my brother this way and losing another child in the same way would (probably literally) kill my mother. Unless my life changes drastically it will be no better then and with them gone I'd have no reason to stay.

 

[lynn14]

I save about 1000€ each month for retirement and/or buying a Apartment,....i dont think anything of that will happen

I can relate 100% to working every day towards a future that I feel ambivalent about sticking around for. I'm not saving, but still currently spending on education and investment, the fruits of my labor haven't been apparent over the last several years and won't be apparent for another couple of years at least. Every setback in terms of my business is like an emotional catastrophe to me since I feel that I just want to get it all over with, ie get my investment back, or at least sustain my family until I can finally ctb.

 

[Weems]

I'm waiting for both my parents to pass before I ctb. We lost my brother this way and losing another child in the same way would (probably literally) kill my mother. Unless my life changes drastically it will be no better then and with them gone I'd have no reason to stay.

Wish I could do this but my parents are 55 and healthy. Hell, 3 of 4 grandparents are alive.

 

[StupidLizard]

I can relate to what you're saying, Lynn.

I have a lot I've wanted to do, in the next few years. Not for me, but for a cause I've been working towards (I'll save you the details.) Thus, suicide, will completely dismantle that. I can't fail it. Not yet.

That is what keeps me afloat. For now. But I will say, in the blur of manic depression and anger, it is easy to let go of my goal. Its easy, akin to what you've mentioned, to act on impulse. And one of these days, I feel a laced sense of both fear and exhilaration, that I might just follow through with it.

 

[lynn14]

I'm waiting for both my parents to pass before I ctb. We lost my brother this way and losing another child in the same way would (probably literally) kill my mother. Unless my life changes drastically it will be no better then and with them gone I'd have no reason to stay.

Interesting, very interesting that your brother died by ctb and you want the same thing. Does your being suicidal affect the way you view his death and loss?

 

[Morphinekiss]

Interesting, very interesting that your brother died by ctb and you want the same thing. Does your being suicidal affect the way you view his death and loss?

Growing up all I felt was anger and abandonment, but also a desire to be with him again which fueled my utterly ridiculous teenage attempts. When I was around 20 I started getting hit with medical issues left And right. About 5 years ago I almost died of natural causes and I decided I would ctb one day instead of waiting to die in a wheelchair at a care home, which is where I'd go and I began to let that anger go and feel compassion for him again. I understand and accept his reasons now, though they are different from my own, and he's definitely the reason I'm pro-choice for all, not just "sick" people.

 

[tomz323]

After talking to people on this website I might just end up delaying my suicide.

 

[andy69]

After talking to people on this website I might just end up delaying my suicide.

Good. I think you should. There are other options for someone like you. Not everything works out at first. Something good might happen to you.

 

[lynn14]

You should check out my recent post as it relates to your situation.

Thank you George. I appreciate you taking the time to post about this topic since HRT is an important subject. Hormones have tremendous influence over the mind I've personally discovered. I am aware of the subject and have studied it some myself. I am a postpartum woman with low estrogen atm so I am waiting to see if this depression will lift once I get my periods back before CTB-ing at the very least. It is good to know this for down the road though, it might come in handy if I feel the need to further delay CTB-ing. I don't believe my will to live will be any stronger once menopause kicks in in earnest. Perimenopause will be a nightmare, even. I'm in for a rough ride, pregnant mare urine or not. Just kidding, they probably don't use that.

 

[andy69]

No. I am no longer planning that far ahead. I am thinking ten weeks is the most I am going to allow myself to live. I hate my life so much. I might only have ten hours.

 

[lynn14]

After talking to people on this website I might just end up delaying my suicide.

I'm relieved to hear that, you seem to have some neglected potential for a pretty decent few years ahead of you. I think you should be able to invest yourself in and master some trade to give you purpose and earnings. You're just a young European man, don't throw yourself in the trash bin when there's not a thing wrong with you. Your baby face has some maturing left to do, even. I meant it when I said you'll be bette looking in your 30's. You are on the ascent in your life's trajectory. You're alright, kid.

I on the other hand, am not.Men and women peak at different time in their lives, and in my 30's as a woman I am on the decline. My thyroid went this last pregnancy and I can't lose 20 pounds. I look like shit, I feel like shit, and I wish I was a corpse that made grass grow into cow food and finally became cow shit. LOL I wish I was cow shit instead of me. That is how it feels. Honest to God.

I'm delaying mine even though I want to ctb every day, and I'm not even being dramatic because of the lack of hormones. Those feeling are real and legitimate, even though I haven't acted on them. They are still there, though. I can't get rid of the depression or suicidal ideation, but I can live with them. I could coast along for another 10 years like this if necessary. By the time I do finally CTB, it will have been a long time coming. I already am so weary and tired. I just hope I can find the endurance. to last as long as I need to

No. I am no longer planning that far ahead. I am thinking ten weeks is the most I am going to allow myself to live. I hate my life so much. I might only have ten hours.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I know what that feels like in my weakest moments. I hope you find some peace and rest before you do go, and I hope that it in your own time and way. Don't be in too much of a rush though, you'd might as well stay and shit post for awhile. The shit couldn't get much stinkier in the mean time.

 

[seekingoblivion]

I can't even plan for next week much less the next decade. I've inadvertently become a devoted practitioner of the "live in the present" philosophy, simply cause it hurts to think about the past and I can't see any reasonable future for myself.
I applaud you for your decision to stick around for your kids. I know it's not an easy one to make when faced with suicidal depression. You seem like a wonderful person and hope dearly that your kids will have their mum for a lot longer than she plans to stick around. And I hope along with that long life will come a whole lot of joy, happiness and peace.
I'm really sorry you feel badly enough to be on this site.

 

[namelessX8]

No, I'm not planning past my suicide note which is taking forever because I'm a detailed writer. I'm just scared I'm going going to snap before its done. I should be applying for my PhD studies but I don't have the energy and I know I'm at the end of my rope. The idea of making it into next year is unfathomable.

I'm in the second year of my PhD. It isn't fun. I'm planning on attempting suicide after I finish uni. Want to make my contribution to scientific knowledge before I jump off a cliff.

 

[lynn14]

I can't even plan for next week much less the next decade. I've inadvertently become a devoted practitioner of the "live in the present" philosophy, simply cause it hurts to think about the past and I can't see any reasonable future for myself.
I applaud you for your decision to stick around for your kids. I know it's not an easy one to make when faced with suicidal depression. You seem like a wonderful person and hope dearly that your kids will have their mum for a lot longer than she plans to stick around. And I hope along with that long life will come a whole lot of joy, happiness and peace.
I'm really sorry you feel badly enough to be on this site.

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot. Interesting that you can't see any reasonable future for yourself. Maybe you could expand the definition of what you consider reasonable? After all we do live in clown world where not much is reasonable. I don't see much of a point in seeking perfection in my own life, far from it.
I'm holding out for a happier day, and I hope that I don't need this site in the future. For now it is a kind of crutch since I have no one in my life who understands my depression, it is only a burden on them so I do my best to hide it, but inside I am dying.

I'm in the second year of my PhD. It isn't fun. I'm planning on attempting suicide after I finish uni. Want to make my contribution to scientific knowledge before I jump off a cliff.

Isn't it interesting, having a desire to do something while still on-line as an existential blip in this huge world. Sometime I get so desperate to die that I can almost (like, 45%) half-way convince myself that my chosen profession is such an immense struggle to even be a part of and is so politicized and dog-eat-dog that no one will miss me. My competition would be alright if I disappeared. But I also know that my services will make a difference in people's lives that otherwise wouldn't have existed. So I can relate to wanting to make my own contribution. Even though I hate myself and my life, otherwise.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot. Interesting that you can't see any reasonable future for yourself. Maybe you could expand the definition of what you consider reasonable? After all we do live in clown world where not much is reasonable. I don't see much of a point in seeking perfection in my own life, far from it.
I'm holding out for a happier day, and I hope that I don't need this site in the future. For now it is a kind of crutch since I have no one in my life who understands my depression, it is only a burden on them so I do my best to hide it, but inside I am dying.


Isn't it interesting, having a desire to do something while still on-line as an existential blip in this huge world. Sometime I get so desperate to die that I can almost (like, 45%) half-way convince myself that my chosen profession is such an immense struggle to even be a part of and is so politicized and dog-eat-dog that no one will miss me. My competition would be alright if I disappeared. But I also know that my services will make a difference in people's lives that otherwise wouldn't have existed. So I can relate to wanting to make my own contribution. Even though I hate myself and my life, otherwise.

Well, my definition of reasonable future is one in which I'm glad I still exist which seems pretty unlikely at this point. I'm too much of a piece of turd.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Promised my friend who's like an uncle to me that I'll try to live well, and a promise made years ago to do something for a very dear friend abroad are what's keeping me here. I've burnt it all with 80% of family - I'm that sick and tired of them. Nothing but much hurt from some of them.

I feel for some of you here and I truly value this community where we try not to judge.

Feeling stuck and torn is the worst, IMO.

 

[Mr2005]

I'm incapable of looking forward, it scares the shit out of me. I already feel like I'm not in my own time. I just do a day at a time, that's all I can do. Can't commit to anything