Discussion Is anyone else here Transgender?

[Joker2003]

Hello everyone!

I'm curious to see how many of us here suffer from gender identity issues.
I'm a 20-year-old biological man, but have wanted to be a girl since I was little. As a child, I played with girl toys and my favorite color was pink. I was a very feminine boy and wish that I would've transitioned young, but puberty hit me and now I'm hideous. I absolutely despise my masculine features and don't even look in the mirror or at myself in the shower. I always cover up in multiple layers of clothing to avoid looking at myself. I was bullied by boys and men all my life and now dislike the male sex. Sometimes, I daydream for hours about being a real woman with two X chromosomes. I wish that I could have a boyfriend and do "girly" things, but I don't want to be viewed as a freak.

I was raised by a very conservative, Trump-loving, and religious family. Everyone in my family hates the LGBT community with a burning passion, so I have no one to really discuss these issues with. The only people in my family who know about my dysphoria are my mom and grandmother, and they both don't support me at all. If my father finds out then he will probably beat me bloody. I have a lot of internalized transphobia, but the reality is that I hate myself for feeling this way. Why can't I just be a normal man?

My counselor is willing to write me an HRT letter, but I feel like I would just end up looking like a freak. I want to transition so bad, but I know that I would never pass so there is no point.

I think my only options are either living in seclusion and never interacting with humans again, attempting to transition, or killing myself. I read somewhere that 80% of transgender people have suicidal ideation and around 40% actually attempt. I will most likely CTB before 2027.

I apologize if my story/feelings are weird. I know that I'm not normal and it's the main reason I want to die. I'm one of the biggest freaks on the planet.

Anyone else struggle with their gender or have similar feelings?

 

[Darkover]

there are lots of transgender people here

 

[Guy Smiley]

I'm really sorry that your family is like that. That's awful.

You say you know you could never pass, but what if, in addition to HRT, you had an operation? Aren't there trans women who pass and started their transition well after puberty?

 

[Smelly_ballz]

I'm transmasc. i feel like a mutant disgusting freak. everything abt me is abnormal

 

[_Broken_alice]

You should transition if you feel that way... 20 is a really good age to start. You will be amazed at how much can change. If not for desire to keep this account detached from us IRL as much as possible, we'd offer to PM before and after pics so you could see what is possible... We aren't quite happy with our transition (due to having repressed for so long...), but we are unrecognizable from just a year ago and we started at 27 or 28. (don't know anymore...) Most changes from wrong puberty aren't done until ~25. At 20, the changes from transitioning would most likely be quite drastic in time. You even have a good chance at things like hips widening which we missed out on for the most part... Fat redistribution does a lot too, more than we ever thought it could. Our best friend is also trans and oh-my she is so pretty and she started later than we did and hasn't been consistent with her hormones for financial reasons. Too bad she is straight and we have to restrain our sapphic ass from hitting on her too much...

From experience, transitioning now is much better than later or never... Even starting at the age we did, we went from being a "guy" that people would constantly compliment the things we hated most about ourselves and constantly getting hit on by both gals and guys looking for that kind of person they imagined, to getting asked in the ER if we had ever had ovarian cysts and getting the creepy AF 'subtle' checkout glances from oblivious men when we go shopping... We even get to hear the things guys don't get to about how mistreated women are in every aspects of life... People literally don't know we are trans unless we tell them, or they knew the lie from before. All in the span of a year... From "tall dark and handsome" (gag us now for even thinking that phrase please), to people being oblivious to us being trans and having had to acquire womanhood the hard way..
At this point, trying to "boy-mode" would draw more attention than us going grocery shopping in thick leggings and a lovely knit dress.
Trans women ARE women. And likewise, trans men ARE men. Enbies are their own awesome thing. We are not freaks. The people that won't lets us exist in peace when they know are the freaks...

It also seems from this post that you are possibly dealing with internalized transphobia from upbringing, and that is ok... lots of us deal with that... It took us years to go over every aspect of ourselves to filter out what was real, and what was just survival and had no place in us.
In our case, none of it was real...

Changes with transitioning are slow. Odds are, you'd have about a year you could hide it if necessary. That's a year to make plans to GTFO and get somewhere you can be you. The earliest changes will be clearer smoother skin, eyes getting brighter, and body scent changing once T is suppressed. After enough time, it would start to get difficult to hide but not impossible, maybe sooner depending on how it goes. You can even decide not to continue if you don't feel comfortable doing so. You would also be amazed at the impact the hormonal switch can have mentally... If not for our situation, we could have recovered and maybe even have been happy for the first time ever only after transitioning. A few months after we started our transition, we actually felt ok for the first time ever before things happened to ruin that and break us again.


And yes.. The rates for trans people attempting to unalive are way too high. The numbers we've seen are that 70% report having made at least one serious attempt.... From some time spent in trans communities before we broke for the last time, the real number is likely much higher... Everyone we interacted with or just noticed had trauma around CTB'ing either from their own attempts, or from losing someone due to how awful society and
especially "family" can be...
Those numbers go way down if they can transition and have at least some support in doing so. Even having one person there makes a huge difference..

 

[Joker2003]

I'm really sorry that your family is like that. That's awful.

You say you know you could never pass, but what if, in addition to HRT, you had an operation? Aren't there trans women who pass and started their transition well after puberty?

I could try to transition if I really wanted to, but I'm very scared of not passing. My height is 6' 1", I have an angular face, and my body is clearly male. However, I do have wide hips for a man so that would help, I guess.

Hello everyone!

I'm curious to see how many of us here suffer from gender identity issues.
I'm a 20-year-old biological man, but have wanted to be a girl since I was little. As a child, I played with girl toys and my favorite color was pink. I was a very feminine boy and wish that I would've transitioned young, but puberty hit me and now I'm hideous. I absolutely despise my masculine features and don't even look in the mirror or at myself in the shower. I always cover up in multiple layers of clothing to avoid looking at myself. I was bullied by boys and men all my life and now dislike the male sex. Sometimes, I daydream for hours about being a real woman with two X chromosomes. I wish that I could have a boyfriend and do "girly" things, but I don't want to be viewed as a freak.

I was raised by a very conservative, Trump-loving, and religious family. Everyone in my family hates the LGBT community with a burning passion, so I have no one to really discuss these issues with. The only people in my family who know about my dysphoria are my mom and grandmother, and they both don't support me at all. If my father finds out then he will probably beat me bloody. I have a lot of internalized transphobia, but the reality is that I hate myself for feeling this way. Why can't I just be a normal man?

My counselor is willing to write me an HRT letter, but I feel like I would just end up looking like a freak. I want to transition so bad, but I know that I would never pass so there is no point.

I think my only options are either living in seclusion and never interacting with humans again, attempting to transition, or killing myself. I read somewhere that 80% of transgender people have suicidal ideation and around 40% actually attempt. I will most likely CTB before 2027.

I apologize if my story/feelings are weird. I know that I'm not normal and it's the main reason I want to die. I'm one of the biggest freaks on the planet.

Anyone else struggle with their gender or have similar feelings?

I'm not sure if this is allowed, but does anyone here mind if I PM them what I currently look like?

I would like to know if I have even the slightest chance of passing. Thank you.

 

[sserafim]

No, I'm a cis female. I think I was probably male in my past life though lol.

 

[restless.dreams]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Please know that you are not weird, you are not a freak, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being trans. If it's a choice between transitioning and CTB, then why not try transitioning first and see what happens? From what I've seen, HRT can do amazing things.

Above all, please know that you're not alone. I hope you are able to find people, online or in real life, who support you. Are there any LGBTQ+ groups in your area?

My height is 6' 1", I have an angular face, and my body is clearly male. However, I do have wide hips for a man so that would help, I guess.

I knew a trans girl in college who was about 6'1 and I had such a big crush on her. Tall women are

 

[wait.what]

I'm transmasc and it doesn't other me. It DOES bother me that some large percentage of people in my country want to kill people like me, but at root that's a "them" problem and not a "me" problem.

I don't want to dismiss your concerns about passing for cis. Trans women bear the brunt of the violence and discrimination aimed at trans people. In my experience, though, community support counts for more than passing privilege. If you've got chosen sibs who will watch your back, it becomes less important what Joe Q.
Bigot has to say about you.

Early adulthood is a pretty good time to transition, although I won't claim it's easy at any time. At 20, you don't need your parents' permission to get HRT. You also don't have to worry about what a spouse or
children are going to say. You're unlikely to be experiencing male pattern baldness at this point, and while you probably have more face and body hair than you'd like, most AMAB people get a damn sight hairier between 20 and 30.

I'm not sure where you live (and if I were you, I wouldn't post that info here, doxxing being what it is), but some fairly unlikely places have LGBTQ+ communities, for all that sometimes they've been driven deep underground. It might be worth looking into—although not from the family PC, obv.

 

[Guy Smiley]

I could try to transition if I really wanted to, but I'm very scared of not passing. My height is 6' 1", I have an angular face, and my body is clearly male. However, I do have wide hips for a man so that would help, I guess.

Even among cisgender women, faces come in all different shapes and sizes, so I don't think that should prevent you from passing. In regard to height, 6' 1" is of course tall for a cisgender woman, but it wouldn't be a giveaway or anything like that. There are plenty of cisgender women who are that tall and taller (and plenty of guys who are attracted to them). As for your body, what about it is clearly male that couldn't be changed with surgery and HRT?

You're not a freak and your feelings aren't weird at all. There's nothing weird about gender dysphoria. There's nothing weird about a person wanting to be a different gender than the one they were born as. Sure, it's not what the majority of people want, but that doesn't make it weird.

But I totally get why you're scared about transitioning. There's still of course a lot of ignorance and transphobia in society, and you have to face it in your own family. But being true to who you are inside and being comfortable in your own skin is way too important to let that stop you. And if you're so unhappy with the way you are now that you're considering killing yourself, then that's all the more reason to do it.

 

[byebyeblondie]

My dad told me at 70 years of age that he felt like he was a woman in a man's body. He'd been attending what he'd told me was a radio club for 2 years. But it turns out he had actually been going to a transgender support group.

He had dressed in girls clothes since he was a child and had thoughts about being a woman but tried to suppress his feelings all his life.

He's overcome challenges and I believe it took him a lot of courage to open up about it.

He is a lot happier now than I've seen him in a long time. He has a great social life and he's found great support within the trans community.

I don't think you'd end up 'looking like a freak'. My dad is now 72, he's 6ft 1 and he's not able to transition for health reasons, so he still holds a lot of his more masculine features. However, he still looks beautiful as a woman. Women come in all shapes and sizes :).

Sadly yes, there are still groups of people who think different means wrong and even within the LGBQT community, he says there's still prejudice against the trans community. However, there are a lot of supportive people and a lot of people who are not bothered either way.

Perhaps try and seek out a trans support group in your area? Or maybe even find an online group you can join? It might help you to talk to others who've been in a similar situation to you.

Just know that whilst others might not understand how you feel, it doesn't mean your feelings are wrong. Your feelings are valid and if you want to transition to a woman, go for it. Normal is subjective anyway. So be your own version of normal and just be true to yourself and your feelings :).

I have massive support and respect for the trans community and so do many others. Listen out for the supporters and close your ears to the haters.

I hope you are able to find the choice that makes you happy.

 

[dental]

trans man here - being trans is one of the biggest reasons i want to die, honestly. being forced to live every second in a body that's not your own really is hellish.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm a cis-woman, so I'd understand if you don't take what I say here seriously, but I think you should try transitioning. It's clear that your dysphoria is impacting you very negatively and you can't be sure how you'll look after transiting until you try. I've seen plenty of cases of MTFs who started off very masculine looking but were able to start passing after they were well into their transition.

Even if you don't ever reach that point you'll have at least tried, plus looking masculine doesn't make you any less of a woman. Even cis-women have a hard time meeting societal standards for feminity. Women of colour, women who suffer from certain hormonal disorders, women who are very tall, women who don't have an hourglass or pear figure, and women who have thick body hair all have a hard time fitting into the narrow societal standards for feminity. Even if you never meet those standards it wouldn't mean much because most women in general, cis and trans, can't meet those standards. With that in mind, I think you should give transiting a shot.

Also, I'm sorry about your family situation. The type of "family" who would discriminate against you, potentially disown you, and even potentially harm you because of your identity is not an actual family. You can't have children and then decide that you are going to hate them for something they can't change and that isn't even harmful. You deserve better than them.

 

[Joker2003]

Thank you for the kind comments everyone!

 

[tryingtoquietdown]

Please trust me when I say that transitioning can save your life. Like others have mentioned, women are not all dainty, delicate flowers. Most cis women are "too" much of something for societal standards: too tall, too fat, too short, too lanky, too masculine, too hairy, too muscular, too weak, too anything. You will not and do not look outlandish, ugly, or strange. You will look like a normal woman. I don't know you, but more than likely, you already do look like a normal woman. It's easy to split features into "masculine" and "feminine" when we see so much performance and falsities through media, but when you look around real life, you'll find it much more difficult to distinctively genderize features. Women have angular jaws, small eyes, small mouths, big noses, large frames, facial hair, body hair, and a myriad of other things that are considered masculine or "ugly." I know just me saying that doesn't make you suddenly feel 100% better, but I'm saying it so you know that someone believes you are beautiful. Transitioning can help you to see that beauty, too.

Edit to add that I'm currently dating a trans woman who has not begun HRT, but even as she has become more comfortable growing out her hair and dressing "neutrally," not even femininely, she is consistently gendered as she/her or they/them. It's not easy, but even mental changes can make such a difference in how you present. Adding HRT to the mix works wonders. The more you allow yourself to be yourself, a woman, the more the world will see you as a woman. I don't say that to pretend it isn't terrifying and difficult, and that there won't be transphobic or ignorant people who will try to hurt you, but it's at least worth a try.

I hope you're able to make it away from your bigoted family. Like others have suggested, finding community with other LGBT+ members will be extremely beneficial for you, even though it is difficult. You deserve to be happy.

 

[author]

Please trust me when I say that transitioning can save your life.

I'd just like to point at this sentence right here. I started HRT a few months ago, and got surgery a few months before that, and my mental health has improved so much it's insane. Obviously not all my problems are fixed, but I'm at a point where I'm starting to feel better which I didn't think would be possible. Once you experience relief from dysphoria it becomes so painfully aware how deeply it impacted you prior.

Being trans itself was never really an issue for me - it was mainly how other people treated me due to it, and how my body didn't match who I am. It still doesn't fully match me, but it's a lot better now, and will slowly improve the more I'm on HRT. I used to shower with the lights off, and now I can actually look at myself.

It's inevitable that we'll feel different. Some people are loud bigots who WANT us to feel different, and that's a big part of the reason the sui rate is so high for trans people. But just because they think we're freaks doesn't mean it's true. We're people like the rest, and we deserve to be happy in the right body and identity.

Like others said, meeting more trans and lgbtq+ people in general will probably be helpful. It was for me. If you can't find lgbtq+ people irl, online is always an option. There are Discord servers to meet other trans / lgbtq+ people if you need a place to start. I'm in a couple myself.

Sincerely though OP, from one trans person to another, I really hope you're able to transition if it's something you want to pursue. The first step was the hardest for me, but once I took it, I haven't looked back. Stay strong.

 

[tomyumgoong]

I think I might be non-binary, but I worry that my boyfriend would leave me if I was open about it.

 

[cantthinkofusername]

hey just want to say that if u do decide to transition, u should consider using DIY hrt

a lot of the time doctors prescribe low doses of e that work rlly slowly, and its sometimes faster to just order hrt online

doctors still good to get some prescriptions tho because not everything is availaboe online

lots of info online if ur interested diyhrt.wiki

 

[PriestessOfVenus]

I am a trans woman, our dear site admin @RainAndSadness is also a trans woman, lots of trans women here. To OP: like others have said, you are only 20, HRT (and maybe some surgery if you really need it - and you may not need any) will do wonders on you. For comparison, I started at 35.

Right now my biggest difficulty with the mainstream trans community is that they are just as intolerant to me as the typical anti-trans bigots, just on a different issue. I am a unicorn in that I am both trans AND pureblood (no forced/coerced "vaccine" injections) at the same time - and this combination appears to be intolerable to both sides of the political spectrum. Leftists, including the mainstream trans subs on Reddit, see me as "disgusting anti-vaxx garbage", whereas MAGA types agree with my choice to refuse the shots, but they see me as a "gender-confused man" or worse. Hence I am now completely tribeless, both Left and Right are enemies to me now, and I wonder how much longer I will be able to keep living before I have to lose my life in a gunfire exchange with bigots who try to either forcibly detransition or forcibly vaccinate me...

To OP: if you are a closeted trans woman in a conservative MAGA family, is there any chance you might be a pureblood, meaning that your family did NOT coerce you into getting those infernal injections? If you are indeed pureblood, and you decide to transition MtF like others have been recommending, then maybe you'll be a fellow unicorn like me! Us unicorns are very rare, we need more of us!

 

[DreamEnd]

hey just want to say that if u do decide to transition, u should consider using DIY hrt

a lot of the time doctors prescribe low doses of e that work rlly slowly, and its sometimes faster to just order hrt online

doctors still good to get some prescriptions tho because not everything is availaboe online

lots of info online if ur interested diyhrt.wiki

Isn't it the same thing as saying go get your pills on dark web instead of going to the doctor to get them? If they want to transition isn't it better for them to go to the doctor to get those meds prescribed since not only the dosages are accurately measured but you actually know what's in them? I'm not sure if diyhrt is a safer advice than seeing a professional

 

[PriestessOfVenus]

hey just want to say that if u do decide to transition, u should consider using DIY hrt

a lot of the time doctors prescribe low doses of e that work rlly slowly, and its sometimes faster to just order hrt online

doctors still good to get some prescriptions tho because not everything is availaboe online

lots of info online if ur interested diyhrt.wiki

I wholeheartedly second this comment! I started on official clinic-prescribed HRT back in 2014, but in 2020 I switched to DIY: the clinic told me I couldn't come in unless I wore a diaper on my face, and I told them to pound sand. I currently inject home-cooked estradiol enanthate (EEn) juice made by Lena in Ukraine (she is very famous in TransDIY community), and it works wonders. Please feel free to ask if you wish more info.

Isn't it the same thing as saying go get your pills on dark web instead of going to the doctor to get them? If they want to transition isn't it better for them to go to the doctor to get those meds prescribed since not only the dosages are accurately measured but you actually know what's in them? I'm not sure if diyhrt is a safer advice than seeing a professional

I say bollocks: most of those "professionals" don't know shit, most serious trans people understand their own bodies better than their doctors do, and some TransDIY vendors are of the very highest quality. I happen to know a bit about "dark" markets for illegal goods, as I make some myself. No, I don't make my own HRT, nor do I make my own SN or any other chemicals currently, but I am a professional electronics engineer, and I do design and build gadgets which the mainstream tech community has declared to be forbidden. I do my work as a labor of love, I am very passionate about it, and I share it freely with those whom I find to be worthy. And I know in my heart of hearts that some trans women, such as Lena, make home-cooked HRT with the same care and love and devotion as how I design and build my own home-made Forbidden electronics. Let's keep in mind that the people who make home-cooked HRT are trans folks who use it on themselves first and foremost! And yes, both the makers and the users of home-cooked HRT know how to measure dosages.

 

[cantthinkofusername]

Isn't it the same thing as saying go get your pills on dark web instead of going to the doctor to get them? If they want to transition isn't it better for them to go to the doctor to get those meds prescribed since not only the dosages are accurately measured but you actually know what's in them? I'm not sure if diyhrt is a safer advice than seeing a professional

diy hrt does carry more risk than getting it from a doctor, but there are sources that are very reliable. its not black market, its all properly vetted and legal and on the clear web. u can get diy hrt from pharmaceutical companies that arent in the us and ship internationally. hrt.coffee has a list of reputable vendors, pharmaceutical grade stuff, if ur interested

 

[DreamEnd]

I wholeheartedly second this comment! I started on official clinic-prescribed HRT back in 2014, but in 2020 I switched to DIY: the clinic told me I couldn't come in unless I wore a diaper on my face, and I told them to pound sand. I currently inject home-cooked estradiol enanthate (EEn) juice made by Lena in Ukraine (she is very famous in TransDIY community), and it works wonders. Please feel free to ask if you wish more info.

I say bollocks: most of those "professionals" don't know shit, most serious trans people understand their own bodies better than their doctors do, and some TransDIY vendors are of the very highest quality. I happen to know a bit about "dark" markets for illegal goods, as I make some myself. No, I don't make my own HRT, nor do I make my own SN or any other chemicals currently, but I am a professional electronics engineer, and I do design and build gadgets which the mainstream tech community has declared to be forbidden. I do my work as a labor of love, I am very passionate about it, and I share it freely with those whom I find to be worthy. And I know in my heart of hearts that some trans women, such as Lena, make home-cooked HRT with the same care and love and devotion as how I design and build my own home-made Forbidden electronics. Let's keep in mind that the people who make home-cooked HRT are trans folks who use it on themselves first and foremost! And yes, both the makers and the users of home-cooked HRT know how to measure dosages.

Well I haven't bought anything trans related in my life but I have been buying on dark web for a lot of years and the general rule there is that no matter what you get it's less risky to get it from your GP. Probably different with hrt idk.

diy hrt does carry more risk than getting it from a doctor, but there are sources that are very reliable. its not black market, its all properly vetted and legal and on the clear web. u can get diy hrt from pharmaceutical companies that arent in the us and ship internationally. hrt.coffee has a list of reputable vendors, pharmaceutical grade stuff, if ur interested

Interesting I didn't know that, makes sense

 

[ChildrensITV]

Transitioning can save your life???

But aren't all the transgender people on this website suicidal precisely because of their birth-sex, even if they are on hormones?

 

[author]

Transitioning can save your life???

But aren't all the transgender people on this website suicidal precisely because of their birth-sex, even if they are on hormones?

I mean, being trans isn't the reason for me wanting to die or my depression. It can definitely make it worse due to transphobic people and dysphoria causing awful feelings but personally it's never been my main source of depression or wanting to die. Though I definitely think if I was told I absolutely could never transition in any form a year ago, I would've ctb. I was way more miserable pre-transition. Transitioning genuinely has helped me a lot. That's just me though. Not everyone is the same.

 

[cantthinkofusername]

Transitioning can save your life???

But aren't all the transgender people on this website suicidal precisely because of their birth-sex, even if they are on hormones?

i mean ud think so but honestly no

ive wanted to kms for waaay longer than ive wanted to be a girl - or at least longer than ive known i wanted to be a girl

the dysphoria def makes my life a lot harder, but rn the main thing keeping me alive is that i wanna die as a girl not as a boy, so it kinda works itself out