Is anyone else here convinced that non-existence is inherently better than existence but didn't CTB so far only to not hurt loved ones?

[Wrennie]

I actually want to hurt my loved ones. I resent them deeply. I love them wholeheartedly yet hate them simultaneously, if that's even possible?
There were decisions that they made for me that I couldn't object to that ultimately lead me to where I am now; in a state of constant mental anguish and craving an escape through death.
My family is also "perfect" and I'm the "defect" of the bunch, and I've had to live with that knowledge for my entire life, while also knowing that my situation was entirely preventable had my parents not screwed up so horrifically when raising me.

 

[fxxhan175]

I've always had this fantasy of saving someone or essentially trading my life for theirs in an extreme situation like a shootout, car accident, etc. to at least spare my family the sort of scrutinization that comes with someone ctb. That they could be proud of me one last time. I don't want them to think that they did anything to cause or contribute to my demise and I want them to be able to remember me fondly instead of the sickly and sad person I've become. Alas, it'll always just be that, a fantasy. :(