is anyone else here autistic? and lonely because of it

[Black Rose Bunny]

i always feel so alone, i don't think i'll ever have anyone. i don't even think my parents love me because i think wasn't what they expected and they would always get really upset at me for some of my autistic tendencies when i was little. i was never what they wanted.

So i tried to find friends i can be close to, so i'm not alone, but i always mess it up really bad by the time a year passes. i think it's autism related because i've been told i've missed a lot of really big social cues or i said something rude, without me realizing. one time i had 2 people explain like 3 times how i fucked up this social situation really bad since i couldn't understand, they both hate me now.

i feel so defeated because i try so hard to be normal, and to be nice, i'm always giving people the benefit of the doubt and i want to help other people more than anything. but i always get social stuff wrong and people hate me. and i'm alone again.

I can't stand being alone, i get really anxious and everything feels really really dark and i start to feel crazy and panic

 

[strawberry_lemons]

i get it im also autstic and sometimes connecting feels impossible,. im here if you wanna talk! my gmail is [email protected]
people feel so hard to understand and keep close it sucks

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

i get it im also autstic and sometimes connecting feels impossible,. im here if you wanna talk! my gmail is [email protected]
people feel so hard to understand and keep close it sucks

thank you, that's very kind and i appreciate it, but i don't really plan on sticking around much longer

 

[strawberry_lemons]

thank you, that's very kind and i appreciate it, but i don't really plan on sticking around much longer

thats okay and understanble. if you ever need help drafting a note or have any last secrets feel free to hmu <3

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

thats okay and understanble. if you ever need help drafting a note or have any last secrets feel free to hmu <3

is it ok if i just post the note here? it'd be easier, i'm not sure if i should go into detail on why or not, i'm not even sure if i could even summarize all of it

hi, this is me from a month ago(i'm writing this on August 29th, 2023.) I tried killing myself shortly after writing this, and i timed it for a month later to add more certainty to if it worked. I did this since I want people to have closure but I don't want people to feel like they need to rescue me. Im obviously sad about it, but i find the thought of it very comforting. It feels like something that just has to happen and that i've been putting off.

I'm not sure what else to really say. I can't really remember a time when i felt my life was worth living, i first got diagnosed with depression when i was 10, and my feelings were the same before then as well, and i had some small attempts when I was little. I'm 24 now and i've been alive this long partially out of fear, and partially because people always say it gets better, and that I just can't imagine it due to my circumstances. When I think about my situation logically I can't really see how it'd even be possible to have a better life, I wish more than anything in the world that I could be normal, but i can't. I've been thinking it over for a really really long time, and i always feel like i've always just been putting it off.

If anyone is reading this far, I feel like i should say some sort of parting words, but to be honest i don't know what I could ever say here. thank you for everyone who was kind to me, and goodbye.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

is it ok if i just post the note here? it'd be easier, i'm not sure if i should go into detail on why or not, i'm not even sure if i could even summarize all of it

hi, this is me from a month ago(i'm writing this on August 29th, 2023.) I tried killing myself shortly after writing this, and i timed it for a month later to add more certainty to if it worked. I did this since I want people to have closure but I don't want people to feel like they need to rescue me. Im obviously sad about it, but i find the thought of it very comforting. It feels like something that just has to happen and that i've been putting off.

I'm not sure what else to really say. I can't really remember a time when i felt my life was worth living, i first got diagnosed with depression when i was 10, and my feelings were the same before then as well, and i had some small attempts when I was little. I'm 24 now and i've been alive this long partially out of fear, and partially because people always say it gets better, and that I just can't imagine it due to my circumstances. When I think about my situation logically I can't really see how it'd even be possible to have a better life, I wish more than anything in the world that I could be normal, but i can't. I've been thinking it over for a really really long time, and i always feel like i've always just been putting it off.

If anyone is reading this far, I feel like i should say some sort of parting words, but to be honest i don't know what I could ever say here. thank you for everyone who was kind to me, and goodbye.

I think it is a very well written note. it at its core should make sure you feel at peace before you ctb. i wish you the best in everything to come and whatever may or may not come after

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

I think it is a very well written note. it at its core should make sure you feel at peace before you ctb. i wish you the best in everything to come and whatever may or may not come after

i can't do it, i'm too much of a coward i'm just sitting here under my noose, i can't even cry. every time my vision gets fuzzy i get way too scared and back out, i'm so pathetic. idk how i'm going to leave this place
I know i need to do it but every time i try i get so scared
i wish i had a gun

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Early-diagnosed autist here! Stay strong!

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

Early-diagnosed autist here! Stay strong!

i was never strong to begin with

 

[Touhou]

Not lonely at all, as long as you include my Touhou fumos. Excluding them, yes.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

i can't do it, i'm too much of a coward i'm just sitting here under my noose, i can't even cry. every time my vision gets fuzzy i get way too scared and back out, i'm so pathetic. idk how i'm going to leave this place
I know i need to do it but every time i try i get so scared
i wish i had a gun

take a deep breath, have a glass of water and listen to some music. it is okay. human nature is to be afraid and there is nothing wrong with you for that.

 

[ohyouknow]

I'm autistic. And lonely. It's hard to say if autism is the cause of my loneliness. I like being autistic, but I do feel misunderstood and disconnected. Is that autism or depression? Or the mixture of them? idk

 

[AerialBoundaries]

It's definitely the main contributor to my loneliness and probably the reason that I developed depression.

I faked it my whole life to get by and it worked, but inside I always felt on the peripheral. It's easier to make friends and get relationships when you're a kid because everybody's awkward at those ages and it isn't seen as particularly abnormal. It's a different story as an adult. I can still fake it to a certain extent. You'd never know from initially talking to me that I was on the spectrum, but as people get to know me better, it becomes obvious that something isn't quite right.