Is anyone else finding keeping up appearances hard?

[Hope:-)]

I am planning to ctb soon- I don't see any other way out of my predicament, but I am scared senseless. I live with people and I'm having to keep up appearances. I am finding it almost impossible. I don't want to shower or anything like that but I'm having to because they're there, and the accommodation is staffed so they will speak to me about it if I don't do these things. I just want to scream and sleep, but instead I have to watch how I behave and speak to a bunch of people who have failed me pretty miserably if I'm honest. How are we supposed to keep up appearances when we don't want to live?? Almost impossible right?

 

[jodes2]

Yeah I'm expected to wash regularly but it's hard when I just want to do nothing

 

[ojinzo]

I am planning to ctb soon- I don't see any other way out of my predicament, but I am scared senseless. I live with people and I'm having to keep up appearances. I am finding it almost impossible. I don't want to shower or anything like that but I'm having to because they're there, and the accommodation is staffed so they will speak to me about it if I don't do these things. I just want to scream and sleep, but instead I have to watch how I behave and speak to a bunch of people who have failed me pretty miserably if I'm honest. How are we supposed to keep up appearances when we don't want to live?? Almost impossible right?

It is extremely difficult. What works for me is knowing the end is near. I'm in the US and this is a holiday weekend. I've been invited by friends and family to two events that I intend on declining at the last minute. I'm my opinion, I'm just surviving and doing the bare minimum until it's time. I owe no one nothing more. So showering, fake laughs, idol chat, and withholding my anger toward the world is all I can offer until I bite the dust. I tell myself if I don't fake it I won't be able to leave this world. Be on your best behavior until the time comes. Sending you peace

 

[Hollowillow]

I am planning to ctb soon- I don't see any other way out of my predicament, but I am scared senseless. I live with people and I'm having to keep up appearances. I am finding it almost impossible. I don't want to shower or anything like that but I'm having to because they're there, and the accommodation is staffed so they will speak to me about it if I don't do these things. I just want to scream and sleep, but instead I have to watch how I behave and speak to a bunch of people who have failed me pretty miserably if I'm honest. How are we supposed to keep up appearances when we don't want to live?? Almost impossible right?

Just say you're an introvert... Then stay in your room?

Take baths? Showers feel like 1000 needles

 

[hamvil]

I have a very limited social life if any. No friends that could invite me to a party. No relatives. Just a wife and she is now used to the fact I have nothing to offer her. The consolation is that she is also a simple person with no ambitions. Soon I will have to go to work again, face the students and the colleagues. That will be hard. Faking a smile or two, pretending that I care to give these useless student a good education, pretending that we are in a good university while instead is a shithole university where only students with no money or ambition go. One more year of pretending all is good and fine.

 

[Fktw0rld]

Absolutely. Life no longer has value. We now live with the "f**k it" mentality. I brush my teeth once a week, shower once or twice a week, wear the same clothes everyday and change every 2 to 3 weeks (once I start to smell myself). What else... Oh I used to be big on eating with meds, now I pop everything on an empty stomach like, "yeah f**k it! Destroy my liver, kill me slowly idgaf." I eat what I want, I let all my facial hair grow and look like a biblical era homeless person. When you stop caring about yourself a big change happens. You also stop caring what everyone thinks of you by default. Now suddenly you realize that most of the stuff you did for self improvement and looks was to fit in and be accepted by others. So the time and effort put into it seemed easy. Now, just getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, showering, shaving, so on and so on is the equivalent of climbing mount everest. Fktw0rld!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

There are certain advantages to being completely isolated… I don't have to keep up appearances… On the other hand it's probably incredibly unhealthy… But I guess I don't really care at this point…

 

[Hangnail]

I feel you. I can shower and everything but I don't take care of my appearance anymore, and I struggle to hold my anger back towards my mom. I end up punching things a lot. I'm expected to start grad school soon and I don't know how I'm going to survive. I really was hoping I'd have N by now.

My mom is so self-absorbed that told me she has it harder than me because she has to watch me be depressed, but that she doesn't see a point in talking to me. At the same time, she spends her free time watching fashion videos and drama on YouTube... She gets upset when I don't fulfill my obligations properly. The reality is that she's just upset that I'm inconveniencing her and making her look bad as a mother.

 

[Lost Magic]

I don't have that many people around me (thankfully) so I don't even try anymore. But, I understand how hard it is to put on a face for people. It's very draining after awhile.

 

[Astral Storm]

It's so tiring to pretend I am fine. I must smile even I have no energy or motivation to do so and I need to play that I am glad to be alive when I am actually not. Pretending to be happy is so miserable but needed for me to not disappoint anyone.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that whatever happens, it's best that others don't know about plans to ctb as they could interfere. Suicide is so stigmatised after all, and most people wont accept and understand. I guess the pretending is necessary. There's no real relief from suffering in a world like this and that is a fact. All I look forward to is the day in which I will finally fall into an eternal sleep, I will be free from everything.

 

[Hope:-)]

Number 1 thing I must remember as some have mentioned, is that no one must find out about my plans so it's important that I try harder to fit in frankly. God, it's so lonely.

 

[Leiden]

No, I do not keep up any type of appearances. I look like exactly what I am, a suicidal, broken, barely living mess, a shell of who I used to be. Dead in every way but actual death. I don't have the life in me to keep up anything. I can barely make it through the day. I suffer so much that it takes everything out of me that I couldn't ever keep appearance of a person who isn't exactly what i am. I'm sure my situation will get worse too as it ALWAYS does.

 

[Lifeaballache]

I've gone through various cycles like this. I get so depressed that I end up fluffing what I'm saying and sounding like I'm special needs.

I lose the ability to look after myself. I lose the motivation to do anything. Tonight I basically had a panic attack putting my clothes on to get a takeaway.

When you feel shit so does your body. I think that's why they always say to look after your mental health so that your psychical health stays strong too.

 

[Mofreeko]

Nope because I live alone and no one ever texts me lol

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

Nope because I live alone and no one ever texts me lol

This. Except not totally alone just with my dog and she accepts me

 

[Life_and_Death]

hard? literally impossible. ive tried. time and time again ive told myself "im not going to let this person know. i want a normal friendship without the mental health bullshit" 2 messages in and im exposed, yeah ok, i give up.

 

[outatime_85]

I don't know if this fits the finding it hard to keep up appearances, but this was my routine for the day.

I brushed my teeth today for the first time in two weeks.

I showered only because I reeked.

I ate little food today, just water.

 

[freedompass]

No appearance to keep up really lol. I'm in the fortunate situation of only having myself to please.

 

[TheManIllNeverBe]

Only showering about once/week here. Changing clothes about as frequently. One of my best friends since high school just unexpectedly passed away recently and I had to go to his funeral last weekend. Saw a bunch of people I hadn't seen in close to 20 years. Felt like shit trying to answer all the questions of "how are you?" "what are you doing with yourself these days?" So I lied, of course. But it gets old. And it's draining. Took so much effort to not tell them I'd rather be the one dead in the box...