Is anyone else afraid of buying things/ committing to things in case you ctb even though you want to do them?

[Stick]

I'm supposed to send my AP scores to my college so I can get credit for them next semester, but I don't want to spend money on sending them because I probably won't be going next semester anyways. But I'm also afraid I'll just chicken out again once I have the opportunity, and be stuck taking classes I should have credits for. And other things, too. Like I haven't really gone to any club meetings through zoom because I'm afraid of bonding with people and committing to a friendship only to die in a few weeks. But at the same time, I want to talk to those people and make a friendship because I'm probably just going to have a panic attack again next time I reach my ctb date and not do anything.
I hate this stupid back-and-forth in my brain about what I want. Is anyone else like this?

 

[Life_and_Death]

yes but no. i have a personality disorder so i just kinda do both without thinking about it. its basically a race for me to see who wins. my happy personality or my depressed one

 

[failedjedi]

I was. Once I decided I was dead set (pun wasn't intended but I liked it so I kept it) on doing it, it was pretty easy for me to just living normally until it happens. Both of my most serious attempts were spur of the moment. My life was otherwise normal until them, and went back to normal after. My upcoming SN attempt is being planned pretty well because I don't want another failure. The consequences of that could be bad. I don't want to be institutionalized somewhere long term for example. The short stays at the psych ward after each attempt were bad enough. I don't want to keep putting this on my family. I just want it to work and be over with it.

Making new friends is the hard part. For example I've been talking to this girl and things are going great by any normal standards. But I'm broken so I don't see it that way. But considering the reason I'm here is being abandoned by someone I really liked I'm really freaking about her now. Like I don't want her to have to deal with just not hearing from me ever again one day. I don't know if I should tell her or if I do how. But I just don't want her to feel a fraction of the pain I felt feeling rejected. It's my biggest thing to think about the next few days.

 

[Marauder]

Yeh I got what you mean.
Since my first ctb thoughts appeared I googled best ctb methods and I realised that gun is best way to go.
In country where I live you can get a gun licence by completing an exam that is quite hard. I failed the exam twice, always because of my shaking hands during last part of the exam that was target shooting. It was like my subconscionsness was forcing me to fail the exam in order to not be able to buy a gun.
Anyway I finally got it and bought a gun. Irony is that I feel less ctb after the moment I bought the gun. Maybe the fact that I finally have power to end my miserable life anytime I want calmed me down a little bit.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Act as if you were not going to kill yourself unless you are absolutely 100% sure that you will.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I can absolutely relate. My every working day begins with the inner argument: "Maybe I should quit my job right now, I am going to kill myself anyway why not just chill until I can". And every day I have to remind myself that unless I am 100% sure I am absolutely not going to chicken out and my method is super reliable, I've got to keep "doing life normally" until the very last day, if you know what I mean. If you are going to be gone, it wouldn't matter either way, but just in case you're going to stay, why not make that stay more comfortable?

 

[Varstraben]

In my case, no. I don't care about what I'm buying or doing, if I can and I want, I buy/do.
If I die just after buy something without using it, I don't care, because for me if I'm dead... then nothing care anymore so why I should torture myself with these question if at the end nothing care at all?
I'm a simple man, I hate complicated things or think to much about consequences. If something happen that I can't endure, so I will end all and end the reflection.

(So simple that that make some years since I want to quit my job, but I'm lazy and find another job is complicated so I avoid it and stay in this stupid work who kill me a little every days)

 

[Stick]

yes but no. i have a personality disorder so i just kinda do both without thinking about it. its basically a race for me to see who wins. my happy personality or my depressed one

That sounds really difficult, I've seen you in the recovery forum before so I hope your happy side wins out!

I was. Once I decided I was dead set (pun wasn't intended but I liked it so I kept it) on doing it, it was pretty easy for me to just living normally until it happens. Both of my most serious attempts were spur of the moment. My life was otherwise normal until them, and went back to normal after. My upcoming SN attempt is being planned pretty well because I don't want another failure. The consequences of that could be bad. I don't want to be institutionalized somewhere long term for example. The short stays at the psych ward after each attempt were bad enough. I don't want to keep putting this on my family. I just want it to work and be over with it.

Making new friends is the hard part. For example I've been talking to this girl and things are going great by any normal standards. But I'm broken so I don't see it that way. But considering the reason I'm here is being abandoned by someone I really liked I'm really freaking about her now. Like I don't want her to have to deal with just not hearing from me ever again one day. I don't know if I should tell her or if I do how. But I just don't want her to feel a fraction of the pain I felt feeling rejected. It's my biggest thing to think about the next few days.

Honestly you sound so hard working. It sound like you really love your family, and I can relate a lot to your feelings. Especially with making friends. I don't know much about you, but talking to her might be a good idea. It might make it less shocking for her, assuming you trust her not to institutionalize you or something.

Yeh I got what you mean.
Since my first ctb thoughts appeared I googled best ctb methods and I realised that gun is best way to go.
In country where I live you can get a gun licence by completing an exam that is quite hard. I failed the exam twice, always because of my shaking hands during last part of the exam that was target shooting. It was like my subconscionsness was forcing me to fail the exam in order to not be able to buy a gun.
Anyway I finally got it and bought a gun. Irony is that I feel less ctb after the moment I bought the gun. Maybe the fact that I finally have power to end my miserable life anytime I want calmed me down a little bit.

I felt the same way when I first got my SN. It made me feel like I had control over my situation, like living was a choice that I was making or something.

Act as if you were not going to kill yourself unless you are absolutely 100% sure that you will.

I'm more or less doing that right now, but I still feel guilty.

I can absolutely relate. My every working day begins with the inner argument: "Maybe I should quit my job right now, I am going to kill myself anyway why not just chill until I can". And every day I have to remind myself that unless I am 100% sure I am absolutely not going to chicken out and my method is super reliable, I've got to keep "doing life normally" until the very last day, if you know what I mean. If you are going to be gone, it wouldn't matter either way, but just in case you're going to stay, why not make that stay more comfortable?

I'm glad that you and Wayfaerer are able to do that, and I mean that. I think that is a much better way of thinking about life than the way I think about it. I think it is a lot more realistic. Still though, I keep getting into cycles where I feel guilty. I know it isn't rational, but I can't seem to keep myself from restricting myself.

In my case, no. I don't care about what I'm buying or doing, if I can and I want, I buy/do.
If I die just after buy something without using it, I don't care, because for me if I'm dead... then nothing care anymore so why I should torture myself with these question if at the end nothing care at all?
I'm a simple man, I hate complicated things or think to much about consequences. If something happen that I can't endure, so I will end all and end the reflection.

(So simple that that make some years since I want to quit my job, but I'm lazy and find another job is complicated so I avoid it and stay in this stupid work who kill me a little every days)

I can understand that perspective, and I'm glad that you have it. I'm sorry about your work, what kind of job would you want to do?

 

[Life_and_Death]

That sounds really difficult, I've seen you in the recovery forum before so I hope your happy side wins out!

i hang out in both. it depends on how im feeling/what im doing that day.
thank you. i hope so too. i have so many interests and projects id love to do. right now im gathering materials to make a small fountain

 

[Varstraben]

I can understand that perspective, and I'm glad that you have it. I'm sorry about your work, what kind of job would you want to do?

I'm a developer, I want to change my technology expertise and start on another subject without my mistake history with the opportunity to create me a real expertise, I'm actually called an expert in multiples technologies and domains and I can easily move to something I don't know already, and my company really understand that, so they send me on multiples projects every time a project it's in critical state, if something need a dev but no one can do it, it's me who will be send on it. That mean I'm called to maintain apps old from more than 15 years old with horrible code, I'm responsible of multiple types of projects with various technologies, but that also mean I have a lot of work and stress (for someone lazy who hate complicated things...) and I can't very be a specialist on a subject because I'm more a spare wheel than a real active dev in a team. I can't make good relations with a team because I'm only here to rescue them, then I will move to another team some week after etc..

Being too versatile on work skill is not a good idea, if I known that some years ago I wouldn't have made the mistake of being too curious. At the beginning I did not care about liking something, I just wanted to learn. Now I make a lot of think that I don't like only because I know them and humans resources are needed on it.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Yes that's me. Depending on what it is I will or won't buy it but mostly I just treat it as if I'm not going to ctb just in case and then I can enjoy something in the mean time. I have big issues committing to decisions even simple purchases and its harder with thoughts of ctb in mind.

 

[Seafoam]

That's tough, it might be better for you to go through with it anyway so you don't have to deal with classes you already took. Assuming you are still around by then. Making it through AP courses and tests is already a huge accomplishment so congrats on that. I get that it seems a little pointless right now though. On the whole going to club zooms and making friends bit I have no idea. On one hand possible human connection and friendship, on the other it would suck to get close to people you plan to one day leave. Maybe just try one meeting and see how it goes?

 

[Stick]

i hang out in both. it depends on how im feeling/what im doing that day.
thank you. i hope so too. i have so many interests and projects id love to do. right now im gathering materials to make a small fountain

That sounds so cool! You should post it in the art thread on offtopic when you are done, I'd love to see it.

I'm a developer, I want to change my technology expertise and start on another subject without my mistake history with the opportunity to create me a real expertise, I'm actually called an expert in multiples technologies and domains and I can easily move to something I don't know already, and my company really understand that, so they send me on multiples projects every time a project it's in critical state, if something need a dev but no one can do it, it's me who will be send on it. That mean I'm called to maintain apps old from more than 15 years old with horrible code, I'm responsible of multiple types of projects with various technologies, but that also mean I have a lot of work and stress (for someone lazy who hate complicated things...) and I can't very be a specialist on a subject because I'm more a spare wheel than a real active dev in a team. I can't make good relations with a team because I'm only here to rescue them, then I will move to another team some week after etc..

Being too versatile on work skill is not a good idea, if I known that some years ago I wouldn't have made the mistake of being too curious. At the beginning I did not care about liking something, I just wanted to learn. Now I make a lot of think that I don't like only because I know them and humans resources are needed on it.

Damn, it's kind of ironic how having a helpful skill is what is messing up your life. Have you thought of maybe starting your own business on the side? My uncle does website development with my Dad and has a lot of different skills, so he kinda chooses what he wants to work on and gives the other things to his employees. Of course, it sounds like you already have too much on your plate. Just throwing the idea out there.

Yes that's me. Depending on what it is I will or won't buy it but mostly I just treat it as if I'm not going to ctb just in case and then I can enjoy something in the mean time. I have big issues committing to decisions even simple purchases and its harder with thoughts of ctb in mind.

YES EXACTLY! It sucks. I wonder if I'd still be too frugal even if I weren't suicidal. I hope you can enjoy it while the things last.

That's tough, it might be better for you to go through with it anyway so you don't have to deal with classes you already took. Assuming you are still around by then. Making it through AP courses and tests is already a huge accomplishment so congrats on that. I get that it seems a little pointless right now though. On the whole going to club zooms and making friends bit I have no idea. On one hand possible human connection and friendship, on the other it would suck to get close to people you plan to one day leave. Maybe just try one meeting and see how it goes?

Yeah, I'm thinking now I should just go ahead and spend money, it seems like that's the thinking most people replying have, too. I guess I should go to a meeting too, it's not like someones going to fall in love with me over an hour long zoom call or anything like that. If I start getting close to someone I can always just ghost them or something too. IDK, I know on a rational level I'm making it a big deal, but it's hard to maintain this mindset when I'm actually making decisions. P.S. Your pfp is from one of Vewn's animations, right?

 

[Life_and_Death]

That sounds so cool! You should post it in the art thread on offtopic when you are done, I'd love to see it.

sure i dont see why not :) im going to collect rocks and branches. its going to be all real and naturey looking lol

 

[Seafoam]

Lol yes it is. I love her animations, they make me feel weirdly understood. I'm glad you're giving it a shot. I'm starting school again soon too so I know how anxiety inducing even the smallest things are. Ghosting never fails ;)

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I had a job interview this morning and then went to buy a popcorn popper. I'm not going to get more than a few week's worth of use out of the popper. And the job? Meh.

 

[dec132013]

If you die before going to those classes you wouldn't really be missing the money you spent anyways.

I'd plan for the best case scenario, the time and money you spent wont really matter to you if you're gone VS Still hanging in there but now you got extra problems

 

[Jellyfish42]

I pretty much buy nothing but food nowadays. Everything else I either already have or don't need. If there is something I'm interested in buying the first thought that comes to mind is that I will have to get rid of it when time comes that I decide to ctb.

The desire to cbt is saving me money because I don't want to accumulate crap and have to discard it when my time comes lol

 

[BPD Barbie]

I think about this quite often when I worry about buying things, can I afford it, how will I pay for it etc. It's a natural thing to worry about the future I guess, even if that future is uncertain.

 

[Meditation guide]

I hate this stupid back-and-forth in my brain about what I want. Is anyone else like this?

I'm exactly like this. Stuck in limbo not knowing what to do or which way to go.

 

[Varstraben]

Damn, it's kind of ironic how having a helpful skill is what is messing up your life. Have you thought of maybe starting your own business on the side? My uncle does website development with my Dad and has a lot of different skills, so he kinda chooses what he wants to work on and gives the other things to his employees. Of course, it sounds like you already have too much on your plate. Just throwing the idea out there.

You can be versatile, skilled or whatever you want, if you want to make your own business you need to have some commercial and communication skills too. You are an expert if people think that you are, not if you are a really one.
I can't sell anything to anyone, I need people who will sell my skills for me, I'm bad when it talk about money. I don't like that.
Same for the negotiations, I just want task and goal, don't care about money most of the time, so it's bad to make a working business.

That another sad thing in life, you can have the greatest idea of the century, the skill to make it, but if you can't sell it it's useless, and if your idea is that good someone with trader skills will steal it and crush you. (GAFAM are known for stealing idea then crush concurrency and original idea person for example).

Well I don't have the idea of the century btw, but world working ways of the business managements are not for me.

 

[nitroautnz]

I'm exactly like this. Stuck in limbo not knowing what to do or which way to go.

Same here, a lot of subjects too. Like I'm living alone at the moment so i can isolate myself for cooping with everything in my life. But doing it make thing even worse, because i hate being alone. The paradox is i cant live with people too, because i cant really be myself, i have autism and it bring so much stress to have any social interaction.
Im looking to move in with flatmates at the moment, but im planning to ctb before i could move in too...

 

[demuic]

For me, it's more like I don't care too much about money because I plan to CTB, so I spend it on useless things like clothes, and I also let myself get into debt because of college (though that's more my parent's debt, so that's the only reason it worries me.) I don't care too much about material things, there are lots of ways to get things I like like video games, anime, etc on the internet for "free", but there is a small temporary pleasure in "acquiring things" though of course it doesn't last.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

Yes this is a problem I'm having. I want to exit but occasionally u want to live and do things. I wanted to buy a skateboard but I'm planning to exit so I'm not. Fun might make me temporarily want to live but my life is so unsatisfying most of the time and living in poverty and older, childless, partnerless as a woman is brutal.

 

[its-about-time]

Advice is to do "life" anyways and if you die you die... it's worse to forego things then live despite plans.. do everything you dream of doing. If you die then at least you tried the things you're interested in. If they prolong your decision, or even change it completely, that's good too...