Vlad Tepes
Experienced
- Jun 24, 2025
- 244
I dont know if anybody else struggles with this. Im a very peculiar person, so I doubt anybody relates to my specific case, at the very least.
Ive always been an extremely self-conscious, neurotic, and anxiety-ridden person, a walking bundle of nerves. I am very much flip-floppy, I suffer from severe mood swings, and I have a tendency to act on irrational, self-destructive impulses. One of the ways that this manifests itself is my personal orientation towards ctb. The irrational part of me always tells me that I "cant" ctb, so to speak, even though my rational side knows it wants to. I have a lot of irrational inhibitions that hold me back, but a lot of them have to do with shame. Im somebody who feels shame very strongly. For some reason, whenever I think of things that really make me ashamed (e.g. social fuckups, but also things like my autistic eccentricities, appearance, trauma, etc.) I get like this impulse that I "cant" ctb with a shameful record like this. That I have to live with my shame, or something like that. Which is really weird because things like trauma are a big part of what drive me and others into wanting to ctb. I suffer from severe CPTSD, and I do often see this sentiment in CPTSD-related communities where people will talk about how the only thing keeping them going is to spite their abusers, and I definitely used to think like that for a while, and to a certain extent my irrational side still does. Another thing also is that Im kind of a completionist, which surely derives from my severe autism. I cant leave anything unfinished. So my irrational self will often tell me things like "Well, can you really go out when there's so many movies, shows, video games, books, etc. that you'll never get to experience? Or what about the ones you're already in the middle of? Can't just leave that unfinished, can you?".
I know that all of these are irrational and bizarre thoughts on my part, but despite how much I tell myself this, deep down my irrational inhibitions always seems to triumph.
Ive always been an extremely self-conscious, neurotic, and anxiety-ridden person, a walking bundle of nerves. I am very much flip-floppy, I suffer from severe mood swings, and I have a tendency to act on irrational, self-destructive impulses. One of the ways that this manifests itself is my personal orientation towards ctb. The irrational part of me always tells me that I "cant" ctb, so to speak, even though my rational side knows it wants to. I have a lot of irrational inhibitions that hold me back, but a lot of them have to do with shame. Im somebody who feels shame very strongly. For some reason, whenever I think of things that really make me ashamed (e.g. social fuckups, but also things like my autistic eccentricities, appearance, trauma, etc.) I get like this impulse that I "cant" ctb with a shameful record like this. That I have to live with my shame, or something like that. Which is really weird because things like trauma are a big part of what drive me and others into wanting to ctb. I suffer from severe CPTSD, and I do often see this sentiment in CPTSD-related communities where people will talk about how the only thing keeping them going is to spite their abusers, and I definitely used to think like that for a while, and to a certain extent my irrational side still does. Another thing also is that Im kind of a completionist, which surely derives from my severe autism. I cant leave anything unfinished. So my irrational self will often tell me things like "Well, can you really go out when there's so many movies, shows, video games, books, etc. that you'll never get to experience? Or what about the ones you're already in the middle of? Can't just leave that unfinished, can you?".
I know that all of these are irrational and bizarre thoughts on my part, but despite how much I tell myself this, deep down my irrational inhibitions always seems to triumph.
