mercybell
rock bottom has a basement
- Oct 1, 2024
- 2
Got placed on an involuntary hold because mall security didn't like that I was in the stairwell of the parking structure.
I wanted to do "good" and let security know that there's a knife near the stairwell. It wasn't my knife.
I mainly go up there to think about life and what options I have. And as silly as it sounds, I wasn't planning on jumping off. Just not really how I'd like to go. Cops came, all that fun stuff. Ended up in some sort of psych place - but it really felt like a toned down one. I missed two days of work. Worried the hell out of my parents. Missed my pets.
Had too much time to think about my situation. There's a part of me that didn't want to be discharged. Wanted to be "saved" or just stay longer and escape it all. I don't know what will happen now.
I kept on hoping that my parents would find jobs and be able to get back up our feet. But for 3 months it's just been hotels. That I mainly pay for,,,because my parents are unemployed. They say they are looking, but I don't know if that's true.
I pay the phone bill, the storage unit bill, the PO Box bill.
And I know that providing is something that my dad has done for 20+ years, and what I'm doing right now is just a small taste of what he's done for me.
During my 3.4mile walk back to the hotel from the hospital place; which I would like to call the ultimate walk of shame, I felt at peace with just ending it all.
Dying seems to be a tall task.
Given the whole ordeal with getting the cops called on me, I don't think I can go up to the top floor of the parking structure anymore. Unless I want to take another vacation.
I liked watching people come and go. Sometimes I'd see hummingbirds as well. Everything I'm dealing with just felt so insignificant up there.
I originally didn't really want to jump off a building because life is funny and I'm scared I'd survive. But now I'm seriously considering it as an option - maybe paired with something else to seal the deal.
I wanted to do "good" and let security know that there's a knife near the stairwell. It wasn't my knife.
I mainly go up there to think about life and what options I have. And as silly as it sounds, I wasn't planning on jumping off. Just not really how I'd like to go. Cops came, all that fun stuff. Ended up in some sort of psych place - but it really felt like a toned down one. I missed two days of work. Worried the hell out of my parents. Missed my pets.
Had too much time to think about my situation. There's a part of me that didn't want to be discharged. Wanted to be "saved" or just stay longer and escape it all. I don't know what will happen now.
I kept on hoping that my parents would find jobs and be able to get back up our feet. But for 3 months it's just been hotels. That I mainly pay for,,,because my parents are unemployed. They say they are looking, but I don't know if that's true.
I pay the phone bill, the storage unit bill, the PO Box bill.
And I know that providing is something that my dad has done for 20+ years, and what I'm doing right now is just a small taste of what he's done for me.
During my 3.4mile walk back to the hotel from the hospital place; which I would like to call the ultimate walk of shame, I felt at peace with just ending it all.
Dying seems to be a tall task.
Given the whole ordeal with getting the cops called on me, I don't think I can go up to the top floor of the parking structure anymore. Unless I want to take another vacation.
I liked watching people come and go. Sometimes I'd see hummingbirds as well. Everything I'm dealing with just felt so insignificant up there.
I originally didn't really want to jump off a building because life is funny and I'm scared I'd survive. But now I'm seriously considering it as an option - maybe paired with something else to seal the deal.
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