Venting Invisible

[Ifonlysheknew]

Today
Something broke me

For a while, it's been building up I guess. It's always been there, and I've always had it shoved in my face like I don't already see it.

I'm a straight A student,
A high school overall overachiever as some may think.
And ofc, as much as I play it off, and don't talk about it cuz i'll be seen as showing off,
I know I try so fucking hard to do all of it.
I dont have to say it, because I know.

But I realise, it doesn't matter. The people who complain and whine and grumble as seen as trying more.
I try to be an eager student in class, answering questions and asking them. I try to be attentive and understanding. I try to go the extra mile. My peers couldn't care less abt their results, but I try so bloody hard.
And it gets thrown back in my face.
I have teachers who hate me for it and disallow me from participating in class. And ridicule me for any attempt.
I know I still may not be the best, but other students tend to ask me to help them in their work, so it seems like I become this try hard student.
And I am trying hard.
But for that, it's not enough. I'm a stuck up rude kid because I want to try to do better. Because I'm trying to one up myself.
Where else my peers, who when asked a question, merely grumble an unrelated answer that isn't right, or don't say anything at all. These friends, who gives excuses and reasons as to why they can't answer, are assisted and have their hands held. When they complain abt how much they studied the night before so they couldn't sleep, and are tired, or that they had another test that they were focusing on,
These people are seen as trying when they give there excuses and incorrect answers.
But because I don't complain, I'm seen as not trying hard enough.

This happens throughout my life in most areas, this just being a single example/aspect.

And by far I've been okay with that. I'll just rebuild my shattered self esteem myself, no big deal.

But im coming to a point where I wonder why I even bother. No matter what I do, how hard I try, it's not enough. My effort doesn't matter, but their effort does.
I would be fine if ppl just left it, but no, I get people coming after me and ridiculing me for it.
Maybe I sound like a whiny brat saying all this, I don't know. At this pt, the only perspective I have is from myself.

It is so fucking hard trying to push myself to do better,
Trying to build a sense of confidence and passion.
And to have ppl trying to rip it down from every corner is exhausting. Be it at home or at school, it's like I always have to be on guard. I need to be quick to repair they damage they've done swinging their hammers around, before the whole structure collapses.
I'm trying to patch up so many things at once, from so many different people.
And even that, I can deal.

But the one thing that breaks me,
That makes me feel so fucking hopeless.
Is that I'll never have someone to at least stand by me as I patch it up myself. I have no rest, no safe zone.
Not even for a little while.
There are no words, no shoulder to cry on,
Not even an encouraging smile.
As much as I can try to fill up that void by reassuring myself,
I know I am still completely alone.

The only person who even gave me a glimpse of that is dead.

So now I just continue on and lie here,
Wondering why I bother.
Knowing no matter how heard I try, how hard I scream and yell and bang on the doors, nobody will hear it.
I post here from time to time, but what the hell.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
But I am alone.
No one in my corner.

So I'll just keep pushing to repair the damages they make with each swing of words,
Running around trying to keep things together, until one day the soles of my shoes are worn, my muscles exhausted, my head spinning. Until my feet finally give out under me, and I fall.

But I'll fall without a sound,
And even then, I remain invisible.

 

[Deleted member 1496]

No family members noticed how hard I've tried. I threw up studying and stressing so hard. But try to focus on why you're studying in the first place, which reason that is for you. And try not to get distracted or frustrated by what others are doing. They may give incorrect answers, but maybe they suck at one subject, yet are great at another. Or they have higher priorities right now than an education. Maybe they have issues unrelated to studying. Whatever the reason, focus on your work instead of theirs as much as possible. And if you're in the USA, funding can be based upon how all students performs, so teachers may need to get everyone to pass. So if you're passing already, they may need to focus on others.

If studying is getting thrown back in your face, try laying low for awhile:

• answer the questions in your head, and allow others to participate and answer the questions out loud.
• sit somewhere unnoticeable. Don't sit in the front row or directly in the center. maybe not the back row either since that's great for goofing off.
• if you talk about your academics, do it with people who are into academics. With my study group, I'd talk about grades, but with my sports group, I wouldn't mention grades. No need to; we were there for the sports. If there's no study group, see if you can find a relevant group on reddit or some other platform.

This doesn't solve everything, but hopefully, you can still be a good student and not feel like you're getting crapped on for trying hard. Yeah, you may get overlooked, but it might be because other people may need to get where you're already at. (Yeah, I know, dangling participle.) :)

 

[JadedGray]

It's ironic that in what's supposed to be a place of learning, education seems to be what's least important to the faculty and student body (except the academics) a like. When I was in highschool the teachers would sit the students who did the worse (the ones who made no effort and bragged about their poor grades, not the ones with learning difficulties who actually tried to do well) in class next to the students who did well (myself included) and let them copy our work just so they could get a passing grade. I ended up doing poorly sometimes on purpose out of spite, just so that they would fail because in the end the teachers didn't seem to care how I did anyways and neither did I anymore.