unsaiddes
Member
- Apr 25, 2023
- 74
I have a habit of being a long-winded writer, so this is a hopefully readable introduction including my reasons for wanting to CTB, my primary plan/idea, and the factors that make me hesitant to commit despite suffering for years. If one person reads all of this, it will make me happy.
Being as vague as I can, I'm a mid 20s American woman, I'm queer and have also questioned my gender, I'm on the autism spectrum but have low support needs, and my greatest trauma has been severe bullying from preschool through college due to my physical appearance and autistic traits. Mental illness runs in my family and I've been prescribed antidepressants since 12-13 years old. My current diagnoses are depression and anxiety, I'm a recovered bulimic, and I see a therapist who I lie to more often than not.
I currently have a full-time work from home job and still live with my parents and some other family members. I have a partner that I don't actually have feelings for - I'm honestly staying in the relationship out of apathy for my current life situation, and because if I broke up with them I would have almost no one to talk to. I have very few friends and a hunch they don't like me that much.
I feel that I have virtually nothing to live for. I'm ostensibly saving up to buy my own house, but don't think that will happen anytime soon with this economy and my mediocre salary. I have an undergrad degree but have given up on any hopes of grad school because I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I maladaptive daydream almost constantly, and I find myself becoming more withdrawn and aggravated with my loved ones and the world every day. Our society makes it easy to sink into resentment and despair. My only comforts come from food, my cats or a screen (movies, TV, video games, fanfiction, YouTube etc.)
My most realistic CTB method is unfortunately pretty haphazard. There's a lake near my house I could wade into without interference if I go in the dead of night. My idea is that if I get in while near-blackout drunk and possibly on a combo of medications, I could successfully drown. I have too many reservations about trying to order poisons commonly discussed on this forum, I don't want to go through the process of acquiring a firearm, and don't think I could hang myself without panicking and bailing. I have a car but would probably be caught trying to die by CO2.
The consequences of failing an attempt include the negative reactions from the people in my life, being saddled with medical expenses related to the failure, and being almost certainly fired from my job if the fallout results in missing more than a few days of work. My parents are already completely suffocating as is, so they would become even more overbearing if I tried to kill myself and lived.
On the other hand, if I succeed, I genuinely don't want to ruin anyone's life. I have a sibling who will be trying for kids soon, my mom is retiring soon, my dad is looking forward to construction on the house, and the thought of throwing a wrench into any of that for them fills me with guilt. My partner has very poor mental health, and if I killed myself it would impact them severely and send them spiraling. I don't want to inadvertently take anyone down with me.
Sorry for 600+ words of ranting, but I'm a chronic introvert with a very good "I'm fine" charade, so nobody has heard any of this before. It feels good to finally document these thoughts somewhere.
Being as vague as I can, I'm a mid 20s American woman, I'm queer and have also questioned my gender, I'm on the autism spectrum but have low support needs, and my greatest trauma has been severe bullying from preschool through college due to my physical appearance and autistic traits. Mental illness runs in my family and I've been prescribed antidepressants since 12-13 years old. My current diagnoses are depression and anxiety, I'm a recovered bulimic, and I see a therapist who I lie to more often than not.
I currently have a full-time work from home job and still live with my parents and some other family members. I have a partner that I don't actually have feelings for - I'm honestly staying in the relationship out of apathy for my current life situation, and because if I broke up with them I would have almost no one to talk to. I have very few friends and a hunch they don't like me that much.
I feel that I have virtually nothing to live for. I'm ostensibly saving up to buy my own house, but don't think that will happen anytime soon with this economy and my mediocre salary. I have an undergrad degree but have given up on any hopes of grad school because I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I maladaptive daydream almost constantly, and I find myself becoming more withdrawn and aggravated with my loved ones and the world every day. Our society makes it easy to sink into resentment and despair. My only comforts come from food, my cats or a screen (movies, TV, video games, fanfiction, YouTube etc.)
My most realistic CTB method is unfortunately pretty haphazard. There's a lake near my house I could wade into without interference if I go in the dead of night. My idea is that if I get in while near-blackout drunk and possibly on a combo of medications, I could successfully drown. I have too many reservations about trying to order poisons commonly discussed on this forum, I don't want to go through the process of acquiring a firearm, and don't think I could hang myself without panicking and bailing. I have a car but would probably be caught trying to die by CO2.
The consequences of failing an attempt include the negative reactions from the people in my life, being saddled with medical expenses related to the failure, and being almost certainly fired from my job if the fallout results in missing more than a few days of work. My parents are already completely suffocating as is, so they would become even more overbearing if I tried to kill myself and lived.
On the other hand, if I succeed, I genuinely don't want to ruin anyone's life. I have a sibling who will be trying for kids soon, my mom is retiring soon, my dad is looking forward to construction on the house, and the thought of throwing a wrench into any of that for them fills me with guilt. My partner has very poor mental health, and if I killed myself it would impact them severely and send them spiraling. I don't want to inadvertently take anyone down with me.
Sorry for 600+ words of ranting, but I'm a chronic introvert with a very good "I'm fine" charade, so nobody has heard any of this before. It feels good to finally document these thoughts somewhere.
I totally understand your confliction. If you are feeling more apathetic and withdrawn from your life, is there anything that you really enjoy but "can't" do? Even abandoning your life as you know it. When there is uncertainty behind CTB, I feel it often comes from being more frustrated with society than life itself. If you wish, before making your final decision, consider if you would enjoy your life were certain aspects different. If you'd like to chat, I have been out as transgender for 5 years and have been struggling for a long time too, so I may be of use to you :)
