Hello everyone,
i am posting here because communites like this are very rare. In the past few months all i have been surrounded by is pro-life bullshit and even those few friends that i have cannot comprehend what i am going through. This will be somewhat of a rant, but i hope you can indulge me. I hope you dont think to badly of me for seeking attention like this, but i need someone who can understand me.
I am male, 29 years old and next year i turn 30. In my entire life i didnt have a single girlfriend or deeper emotional connection with someone, even though i have been craving this since over 15 years. I am so tired of trying, there is little point to live my life as it is now, because i know i will die alone and lonely. What is the point of suffering through all that bullshit in life if i dont ever get anyone to share it with?
All advice i got in real life is "learn to love yourself first" "improve yourself for yourself, not others" - but it's all pointless. I dont want to live only for my own. Everywhere daily i am reminded that i am not normal and that i have failed - in family gatherings i am the only one without a partner, in television / movies / video games // everywhere you see people with deeper emotional connections. Why coulnt i make it work? What is so wrong with me? Why am i so unloveable?
For the first time in 10 years i have tried to get professional help and i simply regret it. First of all it was so fucking hard to get a therapist in germany and then i get shitty advice. "If we could make these periods of lonelyness hurt less, would you be more happy in your life?" Fuck that, i dont want to work for 30-40 more years and end up all alone. They want to take away my failed goals and dreams, but if they do that... am i still me?
The reason i sought professional help were those people that i am very close to and confided in - big mistake. I should have never told anyone about my suicide attempts. But they were the reason i failed in the first place. My family and two friends that i have were very good to me - in the moments before i tried to off myself i just couldnt follow through. The thought of doing that to my family and best friends was too much to bear so i chickened out. I tried to hang myself in my house by partial suspension.
These past weeks were bad for me mentally - so much regret. i should have never told anyone and just kept trying. My family still doesnt know, i only confided in my friends. Still, i think i cannot do this anymore. I have tried to hang myself again multiple times, but i think my setup just doesnt work. Maybe the rope is too thin or my neck is too fat or some quantum immortality bullshit. I simply wont pass out and after 40 sec i give up to try again later.
I have ordered SN from a few places, i hope one of the orders comes through. I am importing to GER, so it's kinda risky, but i simply dont care anymore. I have nothing left to lose.
As far as i am concerned there are only 3 acceptable futures for me:
1. By some miracle i find a girlfriend that proves that i am not fundamentally unlovable
2. I off myself with SN
3. I try to hang myself until it works
I know these reasons seem petty compared to some of the burdens you guys bear. I also know that basing my life on another person is not healthy in the long term, but maybe these kind of short term wins are something that can bring me back from the brink? Objectively i have been living a good life, i have a job, some hobbies that give me pleasure and some close friends. But it is not enough, i need more positive things in my life to cancel out the bad.
Thanks for reading my rant. I will try to participate in this community in the following weeks while i wait for my orders to hopefully arive. It seems like bastion of free will and self determination compared to what i have in real life.
i am posting here because communites like this are very rare. In the past few months all i have been surrounded by is pro-life bullshit and even those few friends that i have cannot comprehend what i am going through. This will be somewhat of a rant, but i hope you can indulge me. I hope you dont think to badly of me for seeking attention like this, but i need someone who can understand me.
I am male, 29 years old and next year i turn 30. In my entire life i didnt have a single girlfriend or deeper emotional connection with someone, even though i have been craving this since over 15 years. I am so tired of trying, there is little point to live my life as it is now, because i know i will die alone and lonely. What is the point of suffering through all that bullshit in life if i dont ever get anyone to share it with?
All advice i got in real life is "learn to love yourself first" "improve yourself for yourself, not others" - but it's all pointless. I dont want to live only for my own. Everywhere daily i am reminded that i am not normal and that i have failed - in family gatherings i am the only one without a partner, in television / movies / video games // everywhere you see people with deeper emotional connections. Why coulnt i make it work? What is so wrong with me? Why am i so unloveable?
For the first time in 10 years i have tried to get professional help and i simply regret it. First of all it was so fucking hard to get a therapist in germany and then i get shitty advice. "If we could make these periods of lonelyness hurt less, would you be more happy in your life?" Fuck that, i dont want to work for 30-40 more years and end up all alone. They want to take away my failed goals and dreams, but if they do that... am i still me?
The reason i sought professional help were those people that i am very close to and confided in - big mistake. I should have never told anyone about my suicide attempts. But they were the reason i failed in the first place. My family and two friends that i have were very good to me - in the moments before i tried to off myself i just couldnt follow through. The thought of doing that to my family and best friends was too much to bear so i chickened out. I tried to hang myself in my house by partial suspension.
These past weeks were bad for me mentally - so much regret. i should have never told anyone and just kept trying. My family still doesnt know, i only confided in my friends. Still, i think i cannot do this anymore. I have tried to hang myself again multiple times, but i think my setup just doesnt work. Maybe the rope is too thin or my neck is too fat or some quantum immortality bullshit. I simply wont pass out and after 40 sec i give up to try again later.
I have ordered SN from a few places, i hope one of the orders comes through. I am importing to GER, so it's kinda risky, but i simply dont care anymore. I have nothing left to lose.
As far as i am concerned there are only 3 acceptable futures for me:
1. By some miracle i find a girlfriend that proves that i am not fundamentally unlovable
2. I off myself with SN
3. I try to hang myself until it works
I know these reasons seem petty compared to some of the burdens you guys bear. I also know that basing my life on another person is not healthy in the long term, but maybe these kind of short term wins are something that can bring me back from the brink? Objectively i have been living a good life, i have a job, some hobbies that give me pleasure and some close friends. But it is not enough, i need more positive things in my life to cancel out the bad.
Thanks for reading my rant. I will try to participate in this community in the following weeks while i wait for my orders to hopefully arive. It seems like bastion of free will and self determination compared to what i have in real life.
