introducing myself and my journey with ctb as a fssw

[HerculePoirot]

i don't know what your point is. i stopped reading after you claimed your bra size. good luck anyway

Instead of committing suicide, I predict OP will write an autobiographical novel. Then maybe you understand her point, independently of her bra size.

 

[ddn.ctb]

TW: human trafficking, rape, sexual assault, male trauma

Hello everyone! I've been a long term lurker of this website for a long time so I would formally like to introduce myself. I know about many of your journeys through following these threads over the past few months, it seems only fair I present mine (even if no one gives a shit).

I'm a 26 year old woman. Most people I pass on the street think I have it made. I'm beautiful, live in one of the best cities in the world, I have a 30G bra size, I drive a beautiful car….

But I live a double life. I have a job that only about two people in my life know about in present day. At this moment I'm in life #2. It is 1:03 AM in New York City and I am lounging in poorly lit hotel room with dingy curtains covered in questionable stains. I'm lying on the bed in a cocktail dress waiting for a guy to come by for our appointment. As of right now, he's about an hour late. Most of my friends and family have no idea I'm even in a different state away from home. I've seen three other clients today.

Last night was my first night on this tour. A man my agent did not properly screen r-worded me. He had come in all squirly and nervous. I asked him to place the standard $1300/hr donation on the desk. He did not want to do it in front of me. I tell him he can place it elsewhere. He puts it underneath the clock on the nightstand. I went to go check it and he attacked me… the money was fake. Those poorly printed bills are still in the trash can all crumpled up and torn from the post attack realization and inevitable "meltdown" (as my agent flippantly put it).

I showered. Went to bed. And saw another client at 8 AM this morning.

And with last night, I lost my final will to live. Something was different this morning. I'm not sure why because I've experienced worse over the course of doing this 8 very short years. It wasn't a sudden change but perhaps the final breaking point because I have felt this difference over the last year or so.

I walk through the world and I feel completely indifferent. I am no different than an object. Something to be used, enjoyed and discarded. Like a regenerating cigarette. And I simply cannot do it anymore. I have a lot of stories to share and if it strikes me, I will share them here if that is okay. Some will even be happier than this story because while my life has been traumatic, it has also been a very exciting roller coaster. I've truly seen it all.

I have not decided on a method yet but I do have a timeframe. 6 months at the very least. I am already dead so it makes no difference if I ctb today or next year. Mainly, I would like to spend this time enjoying food, nature, and my relationships from a different perspective. I hope the journey is beautiful and happy— not sad.

If you took the time to read, thank you! I will check back after my client leaves. He claims to be about 6 minutes away.



Xoxo

Thank you for sharing it must have been difficult to write. Your experience is so different from mine it would be so wrong for me to suggest anything.

All I can offer is that I will think positive thoughts for you and think of you outside the context of this forum.

 

[roguetrader]

Welcome to the forum! Porn and escorting can be difficult fields to leave because they're financially lucrative. Personally know a few that can't seem to get out of those lines of work long term

 

[noname223]

I am sorry you had to read such hateful and disgusting comments @Girlfriend You did nothing wrong sex work is just a job like all the other ones. The stigmatization and taboo should be removed. The person who replied in such a disgusting way should feel ashamed instead. I am so sorry this all happened to you. I have met several women with sexual traumata and one of the two found a good way to live and cope with it. Personally I had the feeling because she was no child when it happened. This is my personal theory if you experienced abuse like me at a very early age the damage might be bigger. Personally talking to a professional helped me to deal better with my personal traumata. But if you don't want that that is also fine.

Hugs. Your job deserves dignity and respect.