introducing myself and my journey with ctb as a fssw

[Girlfriend]

TW: human trafficking, rape, sexual assault, male trauma

Hello everyone! I've been a long term lurker of this website for a long time so I would formally like to introduce myself. I know about many of your journeys through following these threads over the past few months, it seems only fair I present mine (even if no one gives a shit).

I'm a 26 year old woman. Most people I pass on the street think I have it made. I'm beautiful, live in one of the best cities in the world, I have a 30G bra size, I drive a beautiful car….

But I live a double life. I have a job that only about two people in my life know about in present day. At this moment I'm in life #2. It is 1:03 AM in New York City and I am lounging in poorly lit hotel room with dingy curtains covered in questionable stains. I'm lying on the bed in a cocktail dress waiting for a guy to come by for our appointment. As of right now, he's about an hour late. Most of my friends and family have no idea I'm even in a different state away from home. I've seen three other clients today.

Last night was my first night on this tour. A man my agent did not properly screen r-worded me. He had come in all squirly and nervous. I asked him to place the standard $1300/hr donation on the desk. He did not want to do it in front of me. I tell him he can place it elsewhere. He puts it underneath the clock on the nightstand. I went to go check it and he attacked me… the money was fake. Those poorly printed bills are still in the trash can all crumpled up and torn from the post attack realization and inevitable "meltdown" (as my agent flippantly put it).

I showered. Went to bed. And saw another client at 8 AM this morning.

And with last night, I lost my final will to live. Something was different this morning. I'm not sure why because I've experienced worse over the course of doing this 8 very short years. It wasn't a sudden change but perhaps the final breaking point because I have felt this difference over the last year or so.

I walk through the world and I feel completely indifferent. I am no different than an object. Something to be used, enjoyed and discarded. Like a regenerating cigarette. And I simply cannot do it anymore. I have a lot of stories to share and if it strikes me, I will share them here if that is okay. Some will even be happier than this story because while my life has been traumatic, it has also been a very exciting roller coaster. I've truly seen it all.

I have not decided on a method yet but I do have a timeframe. 6 months at the very least. I am already dead so it makes no difference if I ctb today or next year. Mainly, I would like to spend this time enjoying food, nature, and my relationships from a different perspective. I hope the journey is beautiful and happy— not sad.

If you took the time to read, thank you! I will check back after my client leaves. He claims to be about 6 minutes away.



Xoxo

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I walk through the world and I feel completely indifferent. I am no different than an object. Something to be used, enjoyed and discarded. Like a regenerating cigarette.

Sounds to me like you've become numb, and you've let the way others treat you dictate how you see yourself. I can't imagine living a double life and exposing yourself to all sorts of risks is an easy thing to manage emotionally, even if it has allowed you to live in a nice place and drive a beautiful car. Perhaps you're looking for something else. Maybe it doesn't sound realistic because you've come to see yourself as an object.

In truth, I don't know you, and won't pretend to know what's on your mind. I appreciate you sharing your story. Don't know what else to say, so I'll just go with "nice to meet you!". That's what people do, right? :)

 

[Girlfriend]

I really despise everyone who has sexual relations with unknown people

Okay!

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I really despise everyone who has sexual relations with unknown people

Could've fooled me...

 

[Girlfriend]

Sounds to me like you've become numb, and you've let the way others treat you dictate how you see yourself. I can't imagine living a double life and exposing yourself to all sorts of risks is an easy thing to manage emotionally, even if it has allowed you to live in a nice place and drive a beautiful car. Perhaps you're looking for something else. Maybe it doesn't sound realistic because you've come to see yourself as an object.

In truth, I don't know you, and won't pretend to know what's on your mind. I appreciate you sharing your story. Don't know what else to say, so I'll just go with "nice to meet you!". That's what people do, right? :)

I simply do not know anything else! I have no idea where to start and I don't really have the mental energy anymore to keep trying to "get out". I have been doing this since 18 and started out in adult film. I do have some education but I've had a hard time finding work because a lot of jobs use facial recognition.

I am by no means "wealthy". And I didn't exactly *choose* to become an escort but that's a long story.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I simply do not know anything else! I have no idea where to start and I don't really have the mental energy anymore to keep trying to "get out". I have been doing this since 18 and started out in adult film. I do have some education but I've had a hard time finding work because a lot of jobs use facial recognition.

I'm gonna try to walk on a tight rope here—trying to say something useful without being incredibly long-winded, or without it sounding like silly platitudes. Watch me fail spectacularly :)

Even if you have no professional experience outside of sex work, you have life experience, and probably more than many people will have in a lifetime. You've "truly seen it all", as you put it. And yet, you're 26. You may feel like you've lived a long-ass time by now, but in objective terms you're very much on the young side of the scale. Would you be content with getting some random job somewhere, sitting in an office or in front of a laptop to spend your days on Zoom meetings? Again, I don't know you, but I get the feeling that you're not looking for that type of "life". Applying to work at some boring-dystopia corporate hellscape that's going to scan your face sounds like barking at the wrong tree.

Let's put aside all the unpleasant double-life business that's making you feel like rubbish for a minute. What else is there? What moves you? Who is that girl behind the beauty, the big bra, the nice car, the cocktail dresses, and the poorly lit NYC hotel rooms? Because there is definitely someone there, even if she's forgotten herself after years of not being seen by other people.

 

[Jezzibell]

I really despise everyone who has sexual relations with unknown people

I have reported this post as cruel and offensive. OP explained that it was difficult coming forward to express themselves. This comment is so unnecessary.

 

[Girlfriend]

I'm gonna try to walk on a tight rope here—trying to say something useful without being incredibly long-winded, or without it sounding like silly platitudes. Watch me fail spectacularly :)

Even if you have no professional experience outside of sex work, you have life experience, and probably more than many people will have in a lifetime. You've "truly seen it all", as you put it. And yet, you're 26. You may feel like you've lived a long-ass time by now, but in objective terms you're very much on the young side of the scale. Would you be content with getting some random job somewhere, sitting in an office or in front of a laptop to spend your days on Zoom meetings? Again, I don't know you, but I get the feeling that you're not looking for that type of "life". Applying to work at some boring-dystopia corporate hellscape that's going to scan your face sounds like barking at the wrong tree.

Let's put aside all the unpleasant double-life business that's making you feel like rubbish for a minute. What else is there? What moves you? Who is that girl behind the beauty, the big bra, the nice car, the cocktail dresses, and the poorly lit NYC hotel rooms? Because there is definitely someone there, even if she's forgotten herself after years of not being seen by other people.

This made me tear up. Thank you for being so kind! A partial reason I'm giving myself the 6 month time frame is so I can take one last crack on "getting out". I do have hope on somedays. And somedays I'm more present than others.

I just don't think I'm can make it past a certain time frame before I completely lose it from all of the compounded trauma. Trauma physiologically changes our brains in a scary way. I used to be very bright, social, and motivated. It's just something I've been slowly losing grip of over the years and perhaps I have already lost that grip. We will see and god damn it am I trying every single day!

I don't necessarily want to die. There are a lot of things I will miss. But at some point if I don't just let go of my life all together, I'm scared something will happen to me that is much worse than dying or r***.

I have reported this post as cruel and offensive. OP explained that it was difficult coming forward to express themselves. This comment is so unnecessary.

At first I was offended but, on the other hand, I can truly understand the reasoning behind having hatred for sexual impulsive people. And it's a sensitive subject that I chose to open up.

 

[Kerrtu]

You can fool yourself at any time. Human life is precious and there is no bidding. Having random sex with strangers is animal behavior.

A hater has dropped out of the Katt Williams Academy of Keeping It Real -



KKB, is that you?

 

[Girlfriend]

You cannot defend that, because you would lose your humanity and become an animal

Humans are animals. Most of the way we live is very animalistic in some fashion or another.

Even to live life by the rule book and to be an upstanding member of society is animalistic in a sense. At the end of the day we are animals with survival instincts. We wake up, eat, shit, and fuck. It's not pretty with a bow on it and never was and never will be.

 

[HerculePoirot]

TW: human trafficking, rape, sexual assault, male trauma

Hello everyone! I've been a long term lurker of this website for a long time so I would formally like to introduce myself. I know about many of your journeys through following these threads over the past few months, it seems only fair I present mine (even if no one gives a shit).

I'm a 26 year old woman. Most people I pass on the street think I have it made. I'm beautiful, live in one of the best cities in the world, I have a 30G bra size, I drive a beautiful car….

But I live a double life. I have a job that only about two people in my life know about in present day. At this moment I'm in life #2. It is 1:03 AM in New York City and I am lounging in poorly lit hotel room with dingy curtains covered in questionable stains. I'm lying on the bed in a cocktail dress waiting for a guy to come by for our appointment. As of right now, he's about an hour late. Most of my friends and family have no idea I'm even in a different state away from home. I've seen three other clients today.

Last night was my first night on this tour. A man my agent did not properly screen r-worded me. He had come in all squirly and nervous. I asked him to place the standard $1300/hr donation on the desk. He did not want to do it in front of me. I tell him he can place it elsewhere. He puts it underneath the clock on the nightstand. I went to go check it and he attacked me… the money was fake. Those poorly printed bills are still in the trash can all crumpled up and torn from the post attack realization and inevitable "meltdown" (as my agent flippantly put it).

I showered. Went to bed. And saw another client at 8 AM this morning.

And with last night, I lost my final will to live. Something was different this morning. I'm not sure why because I've experienced worse over the course of doing this 8 very short years. It wasn't a sudden change but perhaps the final breaking point because I have felt this difference over the last year or so.

I walk through the world and I feel completely indifferent. I am no different than an object. Something to be used, enjoyed and discarded. Like a regenerating cigarette. And I simply cannot do it anymore. I have a lot of stories to share and if it strikes me, I will share them here if that is okay. Some will even be happier than this story because while my life has been traumatic, it has also been a very exciting roller coaster. I've truly seen it all.

I have not decided on a method yet but I do have a timeframe. 6 months at the very least. I am already dead so it makes no difference if I ctb today or next year. Mainly, I would like to spend this time enjoying food, nature, and my relationships from a different perspective. I hope the journey is beautiful and happy— not sad.

If you took the time to read, thank you! I will check back after my client leaves. He claims to be about 6 minutes away.



Xoxo

Super interesting!
Suggested reading: "The Guest" by Emma Cline.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Welcome to the forum and thank you for having the courage to share something this personal.

I can't find any other words to add considering others have done it better however it always sticks out me that many people assume those who've "made it" have it all together internally but it isn't always the case. I'm sorry for all the experiences you've been, it's just an unfortunate part of being here, I also don't understand the unnecessary judgment people have cast upon you for being with other people, it's been rather insensitive and extremely rude of them to say the least.

Mainly, I would like to spend this time enjoying food, nature, and my relationships from a different perspective. I hope the journey is beautiful and happy— not sad.

I also wish you all the best with your future plans, those would definitely be a fair few beautiful things to enjoy for the time being.

Thanks you for sharing

 

[Girlfriend]

Yes, I have sex with someone I love, not a stranger on the street

That's your choice and I'm glad you are able to make it for yourself!

With your words, you are in favor of marital infidelity and polygamy because animals do that! What a sick person you are

I'm a suicidal hooker. Why would any of that matter to me?

 

[Letmedienow]

You cannot defend that, because you would lose your humanity and become an animal

The only one acting like an animal is you and your outdated views on sex.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

This made me tear up. Thank you for being so kind! A partial reason I'm giving myself the 6 month time frame is so I can take one last crack on "getting out". I do have hope on somedays. And somedays I'm more present than others.

I just don't think I'm can make it past a certain time frame before I completely lose it from all of the compounded trauma. Trauma physiologically changes our brains in a scary way. I used to be very bright, social, and motivated. It's just something I've been slowly losing grip of over the years and perhaps I have already lost that grip. We will see and god damn it am I trying every single day!

I don't necessarily want to die. There are a lot of things I will miss. But at some point if I don't just let go of my life all together, I'm scared something will happen to me that is much worse than dying or r***.

I don't think most of us want to die. Death is the exit button we push when the crap far outweighs the good, and the future doesn't look any better than the present or the past.

What you say about the psychological effects of trauma is true, and especially so when the trauma has been piling up consistently for years. One traumatic experience can fuck you up big time; years and years of it will quickly drain every ounce of life you ever had. But the human psyche is nothing if not resilient. With proper support, and a lot of self-work, that life can be wrested back from the clutches of trauma. It's not a quick or easy process, of course, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or misinformed. But it is possible.

Reading between the lines, I can see some hints of that old personality you describe. They are just words on my screen, but the brightness is still there.

I was listening to an interview the other day, on my way back from uni. The interviewee was a Jungian analyst in his 80s. One of the things he said stuck with me, and I actually wrote it down when I got home. "What has happened to me is not about me." I think it's particularly relevant when dealing with trauma—what has happened to you is not, in any way, your fault, and it does not determine who you are. Dealing with a history of trauma can feel like it is all, in fact, about you. But you are not what happens to you.

I think the 6 months you're giving yourself can be a very constructive and beneficial time. I would suggest, if I may, to avoid looking for dystopian corporate jobs, though. That it's own particular brand of hell. Finally, I would also recommend looking inside. I know that sounds a bit like woo, but turning the focus away from the act of "getting out", and instead trying to picture what your life after that can be, might provide a different perspective. What would you be doing? Where? What is that thing you could spend time doing and feel like it's all worthwhile?

 

[Zaphkiel]

Considering my life is fairly...normal...even with reading, and reading again, i don't think i can't understand a tenth of what you're going through (i never slept for money too so it's an unknown world to me).

Is it a world hard to leave? You're talking about an "agent"...but i think things are not so simple.
You're beautiful and apparently have made some money from this, perhaps it's time to move onto something else? Physical beauty and curves helps a lot in getting a lot of job. I don't know, it might sound stupid because i know nothing of your reality so i'm just blurting the shit that goes through my head.

Anyway i wish you the best and i'm sure others member may have a better overview while also being more sensitive. Sorry.

 

[peaches]

Humans are animals. Most of the way we live is very animalistic in some fashion or another.

Even to live life by the rule book and to be an upstanding member of society is animalistic in a sense. At the end of the day we are animals with survival instincts. We wake up, eat, shit, and fuck. It's not pretty with a bow on it and never was and never will be.

I am annoyed and triggered by this thread.
The original poster was sincere, open and searching. We are all here because our lives are not working out. We have different reasons and different paths.
I object to imposing harsh judgment on her. NOT OK.

And, I am offended by the animal references.
Animals are SO much more ethical than humans. They don't kill and torture for recreation. They don't beat, abuse and murder girls and women every hour for their 'kicks.'
They don't take guns and murder endangered animals for 'sport.'
The greatest danger to all of us, to wildlife, to the planet, to humans IS humans.
STOP DEGRADING ANIMALS. Instead, learn from them.
And practice kindness and compassion for those of us on this site. We are hurting.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I would commit suicide if I were you

Having sex with everyone is an unhealthy and inhuman act. I can never talk about this topic

You've posted quite a bit here for someone who can never talk about this topic. No one here is interested in listening to your moral judgments, and your last comments are pretty much begging for the mods to step in. Quit while you're ahead, mate.

 

[Jezzibell]

Yes, I have sex with someone I love, not a stranger on the street

You have no right to judge others.

 

[Letmedienow]

Having sex with everyone is an unhealthy and inhuman act. I can never talk about this topic

It's actually very human. For almost all of written human history the vast majority of humans lived in polygamous societies and had sex with "everyone". You are ignorant. If YOU don't want to have sex with others that's fine but you don't get to shame anyone else for their sexual choices. You especially don't get to tell them they should commit suicide. You've been reported.

 

[HerculePoirot]

I would commit suicide if I were you

I think OP didn't wait for you to think of it.

 

[Girlfriend]

Suggested reading: "The Guest" by Emma Cline.

I will certainly check it out!! I don't believe I've ever read Cline.

I was listening to an interview the other day, on my way back from uni. The interviewee was a Jungian analyst in his 80s. One of the things he said stuck with me, and I actually wrote it down when I got home. "What has happened to me is not about me." I think it's particularly relevant when dealing with trauma—what has happened to you is not, in any way, your fault, and it does not determine who you are. Dealing with a history of trauma can feel like it is all, in fact, about you. But you are not what happens to you.

I think the 6 months you're giving yourself can be a very constructive and beneficial time. I would suggest, if I may, to avoid looking for dystopian corporate jobs, though. That it's own particular brand of hell. Finally, I would also recommend looking inside. I know that sounds a bit like woo, but turning the focus away from the act of "getting out", and instead trying to picture what your life after that can be, might provide a different perspective. What would you be doing? Where? What is that thing you could spend time doing and feel like it's all worthwhile?

I agree with the sentiment that we are not what happens to us. It's easier said than to apply. Disassociation can be a really helpful and sometimes healthy coping mechanism. But having to use it too frequently sometimes means we forget how to stop disassociating. One day someone is living and the next they are in the background and stuck with just the voice in their head.

Job wise, I am considering signing up for a coding bootcamp when I get back home from this tour. I have partially completed nursing school but haven't been able to afford or safely go back the last two semesters (this brings me a lot of sadness.. I wish I had more control over my circumstances).

I did sign up for more activities. Dancing lessons are cheap. I've been going pottery classes. Calling my mom more often. Cooking more. If I do decide to CTB, I will grieve the moments of living and happiness in the end. I will not be angry over the forced means of survival.

I do feel conflicted about whether or not I'm selfish for putting more into my relationships if I'm going to just bail but it's something I've decided I would need in order to ctb peacefully.

 

[Sid19]

I can't even imagine what you have gone through to feel this way, but I wish you all the best. The last 6 months you need to spend somewhere else where people from your workplace won't recognize you. If you have enough cash do everything you wish to do, but at the same time you also plan whatever method you want to do it. I'm not encouraging you or will encourage anyone to do ctb. But everyone here including me has gone through from some shit which is hard to deal with anymore. Just hope you at the very least be happy in your last few months.

 

[Letmedienow]

I do feel conflicted about whether or not I'm selfish for putting more into my relationships if I'm going to just bail but it's something I've decided I would need in order to ctb peacefully.

I'm sorry for everything that you have experienced. I don't think it's selfish to nurture good relationships if they bring you happiness. And if you do ctb these people will have more memories of you that they can cherish.

 

[Kerrtu]

With your words, you are in favor of marital infidelity and polygamy because animals do that! What a sick person you are

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i don't know what your point is. i stopped reading after you claimed your bra size. good luck anyway

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I agree with the sentiment that we are not what happens to us. It's easier said than to apply. Disassociation can be a really helpful and sometimes healthy coping mechanism. But having to use it too frequently sometimes means we forget how to stop disassociating. One day someone is living and the next they are in the background and stuck with just the voice in their head.

Yes, dissociation is something we all do to varying degrees now and again, and it is an adaptive skill in moderation. But if it's used too too often, it's easy to get stuck in that state for extended periods of time, and it becomes an automatic response to traumatic situations. Don't know if you're into podcasts, but here's one about dissociation and derealisation that I found quite interesting, if you're feeling curious.

Job wise, I am considering signing up for a coding bootcamp when I get back home from this tour.

Not that you asked for my advice, but I'd be careful with coding bootcamps, especially those that make any promises regarding a job once you finish. Everyone and their mum offers coding bootcamps these days, so it's a bit of a coin toss which experience you get, but 'd recommend some thorough research at the very least, to avoid a shit experience. There are other (free/cheaper) alternatives if learning to code is what you're after, of course. This all will depend on what interests you and what you're after.

I have partially completed nursing school but haven't been able to afford or safely go back the last two semesters (this brings me a lot of sadness.. I wish I had more control over my circumstances).

This sounds like it could be a solid medium term goal, once you've figured out the basics. I mean, I'm a decade older than you and back at uni, and I've had classmates in their 50s, 60s, and 70s. If nursing school is what you want to do, it's possible. You just need to do a bit of prep before you're in a place to go back and finish what you started.

I did sign up for more activities. Dancing lessons are cheap. I've been going pottery classes. Calling my mom more often. Cooking more. If I do decide to CTB, I will grieve the moments of living and happiness in the end. I will not be angry over the forced means of survival.

Yes, all of that. Do things, learn things, cook things, share things. I tried pottery once (didn't go well) and the closest thing I did to dancing was having fun in the moshpit with my mates at local metal shows years ago. I'm a pretty decent cook, at least. But yes, pottery and dancing lessons!

I do feel conflicted about whether or not I'm selfish for putting more into my relationships if I'm going to just bail but it's something I've decided I would need in order to ctb peacefully.

On the contrary, I think that one of the worst things that could be done in this situation is isolating yourself. We need meaning, and reasons to stick around on this planet, and healthy relationships tend to be a good source of meaning. Cutting people off is an excellent way to reinforce those feelings of being lost and indifferent. It's not selfish to want meaningful relationships, it's human. So call your mum more often ;)

 

[Dot]

Membr hs bn blockd frm thred whle dscussng nxt stps wth mod team

 

[Dot]

i don't know what your point is. i stopped reading after you claimed your bra size. good luck anyway

If u stoppd readng 20% of way in thn u wll nt knw wht OP point ws - wld sggest readng a thred b4 commntng

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i recognize you as a mod. not sure what you are saying to me. ok. i'll read it it if it satisfies you,
i read it. i don't have a reply. sorry if i offended anyone. i feel bad for the op. i'm sure she is not alone.