Introduce yourself

[K-O]

Hi everyone !

I'm glad i found a community where freedom of choice is actually respected, most forums about suicide just begs everyone not to do it because "it'll get better". I've been feeling suicidal for most of my life now ; i'm eighteen, french, living with my (rather shitty) family and hating every single part of it. It got fascinated about death around when i was seven, and it never ever left my mind. No matter how good the moment i'm in might be, it's just not as good as not feeling anything.

I tried to silence the thoughts by working my ass off in academics, but i just ended up isolating myself even more from my pairs, who seem to mostly enjoy the ride.
By now I've given up, graduating this year and getting admitted into art school. No one really supports it since i'm not very talented, people want me to write, because that's what i'm supposed to be gifted for, but i hate writing. I think it might be the most painful thing to do, ever.
I mostly numb the pain through art and video games. My attention span is shit, i can't even read properly anymore. I got diagnosed with a pretty serious depression at thirteen, got put on antidepressants at fourteen. I also have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and recently BPD in a psych ward, but other therapists told me it was a misdiagnosis so i don't know who to believe.

I first got hospitalized two years ago, submitted myself, hoped to get help. Just got under a shit ton of anti-psychotics and a reputation at school. I tried to kill myself last summer by taking fifty xanax and laying on train tracks but i got found, admitted once again. This time was worse than the last because i got into a adult psych ward, everyone was just sedated and there weren't even therapy appointments. I lied to get out and since i'm at boarding school, i got told that if i tried again i would be expelled. Since i'd rather graduate than not graduate, i did my best, i didn't want to have to go through another year of high school if i failed the next attempt.

I think i might kill myself after i get my high school diploma, i see no reason not to do so, except maybe losing the few friendships i have left and the trust my parents have in me. I feel so trapped, forced into being alive, i hate it so, so, so much. I just want to lay in bed and never wake up. I'm very happy to find people who feel the same way <3

babe just thinking of high school makes me gag! u deserve freedom.. to get lost.. leave the pesti nest X luv

babe just thinking of high school makes me gag! u deserve freedom.. to get lost.. leave the pesti nest X luv

 

[gus.nixon]

Hey everybody. First post here. First time really talking about suicide. I have a time frame set and it looks like sometime in May. I feel liberated. I haven't talked to anyone about it in real life for obvious reasons and it feels nice to have some place to come to chat with like-minded people.

 

[It'sMyLife]

I'm trying to work up the courage to write this first post. I have a hard time getting my thoughts into focus usually and I don't want to post mindless drivel .I've read so many different and wonderful introductions all with unique perspectives on this dilemma and if makes me feel not as broken or alone . I am quite alone in my life as it has been for a long time except for my angelic dog that I now have . My mother passed away a year or so ago and she was in bed here in the house for 15 months . She seemed to get a step lower every 3 months or so . I cannot see ever going through that . I've been considering checking out for a long time now but certainly feel much closer to being able to carry it out now. I'm a 55 year old male who was never able to get married for various reasons and there's no way to make up for a life wasted and misspent now.

 

[Somberly_]

Hi everyone,

I don't know how long I will be here. And I probably won't talk about myself all that much. But I appreciate that this site exists and want to spend a bit of time here talking to people who can actually be honest and open about topics that others wont. I hope that everyone here gets treated with respect and finds what they are looking for. Best of luck to all of you.

 

[K-O]

Hi everyone,

I don't know how long I will be here. And I probably won't talk about myself all that much. But I appreciate that this site exists and want to spend a bit of time here talking to people who can actually be honest and open about topics that others wont. I hope that everyone here gets treated with respect and finds what they are looking for. Best of luck to all of you.

WORD!

 

[Serinaxo]

Hey New here, so glad I found this site.
I'm tired of fighting & I want to be at peace. Xo

 

[iquitcountingstars]

Hey I'm a 20 year old from Denver. I'm struggling with OCD and depression and recently some pretty scary delusions. I don't really want this to get any worse, for both me and the people I care about so I'm considering to CTB while I also explore some other options this summer. A lot of you seem really nice, so if these are my last honest months I don't think I would mind the company of you all if you'll have me :). I'm pretty normal I think, Ya know beyond the rituals, insomnia, and self harm lol, so if anybody wants to talk, I would appreciate it, but if not that's ok too.

 

[MissKatrina]

Hey I'm a 20 year old from Denver. I'm struggling with OCD and depression and recently some pretty scary delusions. I don't really want this to get any worse, for both me and the people I care about so I'm considering to CTB while I also explore some other options this summer. A lot of you seem really nice, so if these are my last honest months I don't think I would mind the company of you all if you'll have me :). I'm pretty normal I think, Ya know beyond the rituals, insomnia, and self harm lol, so if anybody wants to talk, I would appreciate it, but if not that's ok too.

Welcome aboard! I have the song counting stars in my head now and I can't get it out.

 

[K-O]

Hey I'm a 20 year old from Denver. I'm struggling with OCD and depression and recently some pretty scary delusions. I don't really want this to get any worse, for both me and the people I care about so I'm considering to CTB while I also explore some other options this summer. A lot of you seem really nice, so if these are my last honest months I don't think I would mind the company of you all if you'll have me :). I'm pretty normal I think, Ya know beyond the rituals, insomnia, and self harm lol, so if anybody wants to talk, I would appreciate it, but if not that's ok too.

U SWEAT HEART X THEM OTHER OPTION THIS SUMMER SOUNDS GOOD AS WELL X LOVE X
IM NEW TOO SO YES I RELATE TO THE LAST\HONESTY PART.. X
BE KIND (WHATEVER THAT MEANS) TO YOURSELF IF U CAN.. X

 

[Slow85]

Hi all!

I've only just found this 'introduce' yourself section but have been a member for a month maybe 2 now and have posted sporadically.

I'm in my early 30s , married (to a wonderful man ) and have 5 children. I work in the mental health sector for the NHS and have worked in healthcare my whole life - until it fell to shit about 4 years ago.

I have a diagnosis of Schizoaffective and it's made life extremely hard. Affecting every aspect and placing such a heavy burden upon my family. I have become half probably less - the person I used to be and I can not accept the person I am now - hence finding my way here.

I take a lot of medication , have had ECT and all the self help you can whip up in a book store and A bubble bath but still no go for me.

I attempted to CTB at the beginning of March by jumping but was stopped by the police (tackled - the absolute shame ) and sectioned - not for the first time . I have continued to be suicidal since.

I'm not sure what else there is to say about me - anything I used to like I no longer find pleasure in so I guess listing hobbies is pointless.

Its been nice to be here ..... welcoming ... so thank you for that

 

[KuRsAnI]

Hey,

I live in Canada and I've started having suicidal thoughts in September 2019. I got pretty serious about it when I felt like I would enjoy nothing more in my life. I take psychiatric meds which make me more suicidal so that doesn't help.

I really enjoyed my childhood but now I'm looking forward to nothing of my adulthood. Recreational drugs were stripped from me since I can't take them with the meds and that's the only thing I enjoy doing. Everyday I try to cope but I've got nothing to do but to browse the internet. It's a horrible experience. So, I want to ctb and find peace forever.

 

[SilentlySuffocating]

Hi all
I'm a 19 year old from the uk. I have depression and anxiety for a while now, but mental health services are crap round here, so not actually received much help. Told a dr I was thinking about killing myself and he just asked me what I wanted him to do about it.
so now I don't really get along with drs - that and the fact that the services are full
Sorry to rant
Anyway, I love cats, maths and reading
Hope you guys accept me

 

[Negrathecat]

Hi y'all!
I have a lot on my mind but I'll keep this short and simple.

• 22 years old
• College student
• Diagnosed with depression
• Spent weeks in a mental institution
• Have had multiple suicide attempts
• Has no motivation

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Just popping in to welcome all the new members to the forum! This is a wonderful community full of kind, caring, and supportive people. Feel free to reach out at anytime with questions, thoughts, concerns, or even just to vent a bit.

 

[guacamole]

Hi! Long-time lurker here.
I am a 23 year old female from Scandinavia, struggling with BPD and depression. Somehow I am still in uni but struggling quite alot. Very happy and grateful for this community, glad I joined :-)

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Hi! Long-time lurker here.
I am a 23 year old female from Scandinavia, struggling with BPD and depression. Somehow I am still in uni but struggling quite alot. Very happy and grateful for this community, glad I joined :-)

BPD and Depression are almost a prerequisite for joining this community, welcome!

 

[Negrathecat]

Hi! Long-time lurker here.
I am a 23 year old female from Scandinavia, struggling with BPD and depression. Somehow I am still in uni but struggling quite alot. Very happy and grateful for this community, glad I joined :-)

Hey girl!!!
Always here to chat when you need So glad you're here !

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Hey new members! Just wanted to welcome you guys and tell you I'm always here to talk if you want to. I like making friends :) Hope you guys aren't doing terrible. Lots of love!<3

 

[moodygrl]

Hi everybody, Im also kinda new here, been lurking for a while before I decided to join. I first became suicidal 3 years ago at 29 when I figured out how messed up I am. I wish I could cease to exist. Ive got nobody to blame for my decision but myself.
so thanks for having this forum up and letting me take part.
cheers :)

 

[mxEll]

Hi,

I'm from the UK, male, 28 years old.

I've never felt like I've belonged anywhere. Feel like I'm too far gone to change that so here I am.

 

[torturedbylife]

Hello there
I'm 19f from Europe and i'm here because i'm sick of the way life has treated me.
What I struggle with the most is loneliness. I've always been ostracized,bullied and pushed away. My family is emotionally and verbally abusive to me and destroyed my life even more.
Right now I don't have any friends or partner and I feel inferior because of this since everyone else seems to have friends and/or partner. I'm like a scared stray animal. I just need some warmth and someone to talk to. But life won't allow me to even have those, so here I am. Wanting to end everything asap.

 

[NekoNomNom]

Hello. I've struggled with depression since I was about 12, which was also the first time I tried to CTB. I'm 27 now, and certain things in my life have happened which have prolonged my stay here. However, after recent events, I feel that my time has finally come. Although, I must admit that I am terrified to leave my child. I know that if I weren't a parent, then I would have no issue with leaving.

I used to enjoy video games and reading. Now all I've been doing for the last two months is work and lay in bed, watching YouTube or other such things. I feel incredibly useless and guilty that I haven't been a good parent, which only adds to this feeling of hopelessness.

I'm also incredibly tired.

 

[kyle]

I'm a 26 year old male who works for a crisis outpatient center and helps kids and teenagers for a living. I still have very much hope in life still, but it's slowly decreasing. I have a dog. That's probably about it.

 

[Oh_dear_how_Gastly]

Hello. I'm in my late 20s and have been struggling with depression and anxiety issues for about 16 years or so.

It really took a turn for the worse a few years ago and I haven't been able to recover from this severe depressive episode which features severe panic disorder as well.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for a long time and have attempted once. Unfortunately I'm still here as you can see.

I'm trying my best trying all sorts of different treatments but it is very exhausting. Each time a treatment fails I lose a little bit more hope. Eventually I fear I'll have no more hope left. I guess that will be my cue to exit.

It's really nice to be here on this forum, with others who can understand the struggles and pain that cause a person to want to leave this world.

Thank you if you took the time to read this ❤

 

[sufferingalways]

Hello there, just joined this forum and seen your post. That's absolutely horrendous! I have heard a few nightmares about drugs. I was sectioned sometime during the 90's and it still haunts me the drugs and what they did to me. Nowadays apart from pain meds and headache (migraine) meds I am anti drugs. (causes some dilemma within me regards CTB).
So sorry to hear what happened to you, and I completely understand how devastated you must have been feeling and now, still.
Here's a (*hug*) - if that's okay?

I'm a 26 year old male who works for a crisis outpatient center and helps kids and teenagers for a living. I still have very much hope in life still, but it's slowly decreasing. I have a dog. That's probably about it.

hello there kyle, sorry to hear you feel decreasing hope. I feel similar, but at the moment I can't find the words, things are foggy in my mind, not had much sleep the past 2 yrs. Struggling with landlord abuse. Going through the system to try and get it sorted, at this point now I think it will end up as a court order to get them to finish repair that causes lost sleep every night.
Feel free to reply if you want. What's your dog's name and what breed? I used to have a border collie with the family from about age 12. Dogs are great companions . ;-)

 

[The_doomer]

Hi guys, i'm 22m from norway.
I've had sleep problems all my life. If it could be treated at one point really doesn't matter by now because i basically cant sleep sober now. Last time i laid off the sauce i spent 70hours awake unable to sleep. Then i was awake 36 hours and slowly made my way down to 16 between sleep but spending my entire day getting ready for sleep and the last 6 being a ritual wore me out in a week. Slipped up and accidently was awake for 27 hours then i gave up again. Especially since sleep was nightmares and sleep paralyzis every time. Before DT fucked my sleep up my record was 40 hours but from 15 to 19 years old i'd skip sleep between school 2-3 times a week.

Treatment for it now is hopeless because medicals only focus on my alcohol abuse, depression and maybe my anxiety. Tell me to lay off the screens a few hours before i go to bed. I tried it all and even if i sleep its just work to be covered in bugs, get chased by demons or "wake up" except i'm paralyzed. Waking up is simple, i jam my eyes open but its uncomfortable and it takes a while to figure out its a dream.

Also, no friends or gf.

 

[Iamnotperminant92]

27 year old person. Assigned male st birth but I think I might be trans but I'm also likely possibly messed up from Trauma. I think I still could be happier as a woman but I live with conservative family and transness is either a joke or a political (read liberal brainwashing) thing. Been seriously questioning my gender only since early 2017. Family + likelihood of CTB + American hellthcare = not likely to transition anyway.
I'm a college dropout (Wayne State Uni. I don't recommend it.) Single and underemployed. Vision and hearing issues. History of Depression and Anxiety + Seasonal Affective Disorder. Undiagnosed OCD since I was 10, started as Pure O but I've self harmed on bad days recently. Mostly Harm/Relationship/scrupulosity. ('I am the contagion' styles of OCD I don't like going into details too much.)
On a positive note, one of the things keeping me here is that I regularly interact on a spiritual radio show which I speak on on a weekly basis. The only other thing is that my mother needs help with the rent so I pay her half of my SSI. Though I feel like if I CTB yes she would be grieving but it would open up opportunities for her to move to be around her grandchildren.

 

[kyle]

Hello there, just joined this forum and seen your post. That's absolutely horrendous! I have heard a few nightmares about drugs. I was sectioned sometime during the 90's and it still haunts me the drugs and what they did to me. Nowadays apart from pain meds and headache (migraine) meds I am anti drugs. (causes some dilemma within me regards CTB).
So sorry to hear what happened to you, and I completely understand how devastated you must have been feeling and now, still.
Here's a (*hug*) - if that's okay?


hello there kyle, sorry to hear you feel decreasing hope. I feel similar, but at the moment I can't find the words, things are foggy in my mind, not had much sleep the past 2 yrs. Struggling with landlord abuse. Going through the system to try and get it sorted, at this point now I think it will end up as a court order to get them to finish repair that causes lost sleep every night.
Feel free to reply if you want. What's your dog's name and what breed? I used to have a border collie with the family from about age 12. Dogs are great companions . ;-)

Thanks! Landlord abuse must suck. Sending support!
My dog is a Great Dane, she's super cute but very food aggressive though. Border collies are very snuggly. I had one at age 8.

 

[SpareWheel]

Hi, my name is T, or at least that's what many people call me, I'm 41, been dealing with major episodes of depression since 2003, and I wasn't even that happy before that in all honesty. I play the electric guitar, badly, I love music of all genres except C&W and mainstream pap, and I'm a huge video game fan. I'm here to make sure when I do take the plunge, I don't mess it up. I don't want to be a failure at suicide as well as life.

 

[sufferingalways]

Thanks! Landlord abuse must suck. Sending support!
My dog is a Great Dane, she's super cute but very food aggressive though. Border collies are very snuggly. I had one at age 8.

hi kyle, thank you for support.
yes its very catch 22, im at a point most would suggest take them to court. plumbing fault make a noise keeping us awake. think it's going to be a court order. the new homes act will make it easier and the courts guide layman through the process so (deep breath), must make these first steps.

im unable to wake up til very late, plus im housebound with sleep deprivation so .. er .. it will be hard unless my friend goes in my place.

aw great danes are nice. yes, the collie girl was good snuggly friend, and almost seemed to have conversations with us sometimes. now i have 2 cats, who are adopted from cats protection charity. both teenage now, one's 17 this year, the other will be 16.
how are you feeling today? i'm a bit upsest because here we have a house across the road, they let dog bark for long times and we cant open windows. its hard to breathe in this situation so we are dealing with environment people at athe council. girl seems a little elusive.
first 'can you give me your phone number?"

so my friend did.

then another email "can you give me your address so i can progress the complaint?" so he did

then "please fill out diary sheets so i can progress the complaint"

feels like the old joke how to keep idiots happy. council bods ... not always the full shilling! unreliable sometimes (often) but joke fodder.
sorry, rant over.