NoGameNoLife
Because screw life. I didn't ask to be born.
- Jun 29, 2019
- 42
CareOfCell44
Member
- Jul 26, 2019
- 38
Cant say I know to much about her, stopped playing when brawl was the newest and my life took a rather large shit
I always loved Jigglypuff! especially with a big red bow lol but havent played in a long time
komm susser todd
Become the master of your own fate
- Jul 21, 2019
- 78
Ff14 huh? I guess you play a viera. I play a hyurr midlander girl myself. Id say lets play sometime but since im gonna ctb by tommorow thats gonna be rather ephemeral lol
Ixtabba
I’ve got a war in my mind.
- Jul 25, 2019
- 29
If only we had met earlier eh? Yeah I'm a viera, my hub is in the photo too. I switch races too much!
How will you be going tomorrow? I wish I could join!
komm susser todd
Become the master of your own fate
- Jul 21, 2019
- 78
The plan was just suspension but i might add asphyxiation with a plastic bag to double up. Yeah ff14 was a great game but not enough to keep me going unfortunately
Maiden
Ars Moriendi
- Jul 25, 2019
- 12
Hello! Just a brief intro: I'm a 37 y/o female from the US. I've longed for the eternal sleep pretty much all of my adult life, and have made two attempts that (obviously) were not successful. I'm lucky to have a solid support structure including a loving family and a great boyfriend, but none of them have ever been suicidal so they're not especially helpful to talk with... so I came here to chat with all of you.
Funny, I just made a thread to introduce myself. There isn't much to say about me. A loser who was maybe destined to be one. Only had one person in my life who gave a damn about me and she is gone too.
Here I am, knowing exactly that my life serves no purpose. That's all there is about me.
Here I am, knowing exactly that my life serves no purpose. That's all there is about me.
Sabriel
for in that sleep of death what dreams may come
- Jul 23, 2019
- 209
I'm 34 years old and longing to die soon because I feel as though my life is beyond repair. I've had a few unsuccessful attempts at ODing but want to make sure my next attempt is done cleanly, successfully...no loose ends.
Every day is unbearable lately and even typing this out is painful, I just can't cope with life anymore.
I'm tired and I want to leave all of this behind.
Every day is unbearable lately and even typing this out is painful, I just can't cope with life anymore.
I'm tired and I want to leave all of this behind.
Sabriel
for in that sleep of death what dreams may come
- Jul 23, 2019
- 209
I'm a woman but I guess gender pronouns shouldn't really matter. I'm not sure how much luck I need, more like research and resolve.
Hey, just joined. Nice to be around such a supportive bunch.
Stillness N Woe
New Member
- Jul 28, 2019
- 4
Just joined, female. 44, USA. Looking to connect with others and offer support, or a friendly hello, whatever seems appropriate. I'd rather not go into too much of my personal story (yet) as it's all still raw and emotionally draining to talk about. I am appreciative to find a place with no judgement or the classic line of "this too shall pass"
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lilyeehaw
yeehaw?
- Jun 30, 2019
- 86
Hey everyone,
Forgot to post here when I first joined so here's a bit of my life story. Also, sorry about my grammar its terrible
I'm a 19 years old female from Scotland, I was born male but I'm transitioning to female as I am transgender.
Growing up was like any other childhood, At least I thought that at the time. My friends, mum and sister were all amazing, of course, we had our fallings out and with twins, you always grew up close but sometimes you wouldn't be the kindest to each other. You grow out of it though and as you get older you start to become close. You're great sis :)
My biological Dad is another story, He was a good dad "sometimes" I have fun memories and a lot of dark ones. I like to think it wasn't his fault and that it was the alcohol that got to him but there were times he was pure evil. Never realised how bad it was at the time, You get so conditioned to it. The amount of manipulation and abuse, I never realised how bad it was until I grew up.
I hate to think just how much my mum suffered because of him, He manipulated me and my sister to not liking my mum / making fun of her for a good amount of time. My dad would verbally and physically abuse me and my sister as well. He would even make me and my sister fight each other "saying not to tell mum", He would leave us in the car unsupervised for hours and hours in the blazing heat with no water, or anything to keep us occupied. While he went off and did things that to this day I have no idea, my best guess is he was off having an affair with multiple people at different times. Heck, he even slept with someone in our house on our birthday, With my mums best friend... He Would also leave me and my sister outside pubs and other places while he went and got drunk.
Another thing that worries me is that lately the more I've been thinking about my childhood the more disturbing things I can vividly remember one of which is being sexually abused by my dad at least 4 times that I can recollect slightly. Idk what to do about it, Don't think there is much I can do about it as I can't even fully remember it and it was ages ago.
Anyway They finally got divorced when I was around 12 years old, My dad basically sold us to my mum when they got a divorce, my dad said she could either have half the money of selling the house or she could have me and my sister, She chose us but since my mum didn't have much money we had to go to the government to get housing. They put us into council housing, we lived for a good few years pretty much just above the poverty line. My mum would have gone to a lawyer to get the money from the house but she didn't want to go through the whole process, she was already severely broken and depressed and had to look after 2 children that are just as damaged.
In Academy (High school/secondary school) my anxiety just kept getting worse, I stayed in school until early 2014, I was 15 years old. I stopped going into school and would coward to my room, I stopped talking to everyone, After about 1-2 weeks the mental health team got involved. I wouldn't even talk to them I would barricade myself in my room, I had a lock on my door then they had to take the lock off and even took the door of which I laugh at now but jeez I was in a really bad state. The crisis team got involved and they would come to my house at least 3-4 times a week, Gradually over time, I started talking again. I even tried running away once but the police got involved and I got scared so I returned home. I wasn't very well mentally, wasn't thinking rationally at all.
Now onto the other part of my life which is being transgender. Around 2011-2012, I started to feel different. when I was young I was a pretty adventurous kid would dress up in dresses play with my sister's toys a lot, Always had long hair etc. 2012 ish was the time that really started everything, From that point on I would act more like a girl, Online I told everyone I was a girl. At the time I didn't have much knowledge about what being trans was I just felt like I was a girl so acted like one. I met some wonderful people online who I talked to and played games with regularly, They helped me out a lot. Going forward in time to when I left school and the mental health team got involved, After the initial crisis team checks I went to see a few psychologists twice a week, Overtime they helped me with my anxiety, depression and gender dysphoria. After talking to them for a few months they diagnosed me with gender dysphoria social anxiety and depression.
They then referred me to the GIC ( Gender identity Clinic )The First appointment took about a year as the waiting list is extremely long. After a few appointments I got on HRT (Estrogen Hormone tablets) and earlier this year I got on testosterone blockers :)
The mental health team kind of just left me to deal with stuff on my own Pretty much kicked me out politely. I guess it was partly my fault since I wasn't very communicative with them. I have such a hard time trying to talk to people. After a few words, I need to hold myself back from breaking down and crying its ridiculous.
I told my GIC Doctor about my suicidal thoughts which were a bad idea, He seemed to care but basically just said he would need to section me if he thought I was a danger to myself at which point I just shut up cause fuck going to a hospital. I got another appointment with him soon and it scares me because I have scars all over my arms and he's going to see them cause he has to take blood tests every few months. So that's going to be a fun talk
went to my GP a few months ago to start on some antidepressants, so far they made it easier to be happier but that was about it. No change to my anxiety or depression.
Anyway sorry for the long post. Got a bit carried away, was good to type all this out. It made me think about a lot of stuff.
Forgot to post here when I first joined so here's a bit of my life story. Also, sorry about my grammar its terrible
I'm a 19 years old female from Scotland, I was born male but I'm transitioning to female as I am transgender.
Growing up was like any other childhood, At least I thought that at the time. My friends, mum and sister were all amazing, of course, we had our fallings out and with twins, you always grew up close but sometimes you wouldn't be the kindest to each other. You grow out of it though and as you get older you start to become close. You're great sis :)
My biological Dad is another story, He was a good dad "sometimes" I have fun memories and a lot of dark ones. I like to think it wasn't his fault and that it was the alcohol that got to him but there were times he was pure evil. Never realised how bad it was at the time, You get so conditioned to it. The amount of manipulation and abuse, I never realised how bad it was until I grew up.
I hate to think just how much my mum suffered because of him, He manipulated me and my sister to not liking my mum / making fun of her for a good amount of time. My dad would verbally and physically abuse me and my sister as well. He would even make me and my sister fight each other "saying not to tell mum", He would leave us in the car unsupervised for hours and hours in the blazing heat with no water, or anything to keep us occupied. While he went off and did things that to this day I have no idea, my best guess is he was off having an affair with multiple people at different times. Heck, he even slept with someone in our house on our birthday, With my mums best friend... He Would also leave me and my sister outside pubs and other places while he went and got drunk.
Another thing that worries me is that lately the more I've been thinking about my childhood the more disturbing things I can vividly remember one of which is being sexually abused by my dad at least 4 times that I can recollect slightly. Idk what to do about it, Don't think there is much I can do about it as I can't even fully remember it and it was ages ago.
Anyway They finally got divorced when I was around 12 years old, My dad basically sold us to my mum when they got a divorce, my dad said she could either have half the money of selling the house or she could have me and my sister, She chose us but since my mum didn't have much money we had to go to the government to get housing. They put us into council housing, we lived for a good few years pretty much just above the poverty line. My mum would have gone to a lawyer to get the money from the house but she didn't want to go through the whole process, she was already severely broken and depressed and had to look after 2 children that are just as damaged.
In Academy (High school/secondary school) my anxiety just kept getting worse, I stayed in school until early 2014, I was 15 years old. I stopped going into school and would coward to my room, I stopped talking to everyone, After about 1-2 weeks the mental health team got involved. I wouldn't even talk to them I would barricade myself in my room, I had a lock on my door then they had to take the lock off and even took the door of which I laugh at now but jeez I was in a really bad state. The crisis team got involved and they would come to my house at least 3-4 times a week, Gradually over time, I started talking again. I even tried running away once but the police got involved and I got scared so I returned home. I wasn't very well mentally, wasn't thinking rationally at all.
Now onto the other part of my life which is being transgender. Around 2011-2012, I started to feel different. when I was young I was a pretty adventurous kid would dress up in dresses play with my sister's toys a lot, Always had long hair etc. 2012 ish was the time that really started everything, From that point on I would act more like a girl, Online I told everyone I was a girl. At the time I didn't have much knowledge about what being trans was I just felt like I was a girl so acted like one. I met some wonderful people online who I talked to and played games with regularly, They helped me out a lot. Going forward in time to when I left school and the mental health team got involved, After the initial crisis team checks I went to see a few psychologists twice a week, Overtime they helped me with my anxiety, depression and gender dysphoria. After talking to them for a few months they diagnosed me with gender dysphoria social anxiety and depression.
They then referred me to the GIC ( Gender identity Clinic )The First appointment took about a year as the waiting list is extremely long. After a few appointments I got on HRT (Estrogen Hormone tablets) and earlier this year I got on testosterone blockers :)
The mental health team kind of just left me to deal with stuff on my own Pretty much kicked me out politely. I guess it was partly my fault since I wasn't very communicative with them. I have such a hard time trying to talk to people. After a few words, I need to hold myself back from breaking down and crying its ridiculous.
I told my GIC Doctor about my suicidal thoughts which were a bad idea, He seemed to care but basically just said he would need to section me if he thought I was a danger to myself at which point I just shut up cause fuck going to a hospital. I got another appointment with him soon and it scares me because I have scars all over my arms and he's going to see them cause he has to take blood tests every few months. So that's going to be a fun talk
went to my GP a few months ago to start on some antidepressants, so far they made it easier to be happier but that was about it. No change to my anxiety or depression.
Anyway sorry for the long post. Got a bit carried away, was good to type all this out. It made me think about a lot of stuff.
GreyMagic
The more you care, the more you have to lose.
- Feb 21, 2019
- 173
Will77 - welcome to this forum and hope you find what you are looking for. Most people here are friendly and supportive.
Stillness N Woe - just wanted to reassure you that it's okay that you aren't ready to talk about yourself. But what's even more awesome is you are willing to listen and support others.
lilyeehaw - wow this is difficult you remind me of somebody I knew... It's too raw. But at the same time I couldn't ignore you.
So here is some ideas to hide your physical scars from the doctor - concealer or long sleeve tops or even bracelets. Experiment with different shades concealer wise.
Stillness N Woe - just wanted to reassure you that it's okay that you aren't ready to talk about yourself. But what's even more awesome is you are willing to listen and support others.
lilyeehaw - wow this is difficult you remind me of somebody I knew... It's too raw. But at the same time I couldn't ignore you.
So here is some ideas to hide your physical scars from the doctor - concealer or long sleeve tops or even bracelets. Experiment with different shades concealer wise.
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lilyeehaw
yeehaw?
- Jun 30, 2019
- 86
Hey everyone,
I am from Bulgaria. I am 29, male. Long story short, I had a freak accident as a small kid which left me a "mental" burden. That imprinted "fear" inside me and completely redirected me growing as a teenager. I ended up in a very deep mental hell. Fastforward, just recently I was able to overcome it and felt whole again for the first time in 15 years. It was wonderfull. But in recent years I lacked "love" and you could say that I became lonely.
One year ago I started connecting with a girl, for years we didnt "see" each other . She had a boyfriend(someone who I didnt respect and because of that I let feelings grow) but talk came natural to us. In a period of 12 months, I wanted to make the next step 3-4 times and she declined them. She was extremely "loyal" ... to her image. But everytime she let me continue our "friendship" while knowing my feelings are still there and while flirting from a safety distance. If anything she liked the attention. One month ago, everything seemed perfect - she was about to end her relantionship, we talked everyday, going often out and I knew her deepest secrets but one ... It was again time for the next step and she rejected me again, saying that even without the boyfriend she sees my as a friend. Imagine every one of her actions telling you that you would be together and then hearing these words. That was the time "loneliness" hit me. You find the perfect fit, she connects to you on a emotional level and she doesnt want to be with you. For someone not having a serious relantionship for years, this was painfull and doubt creeped in.
I got depressed. I could have used the same scenario, one step back and again find a way to her. I had a theory that for so long she knew she couldnt be anything with me while loving someone else and probably she needed time being single to see me with new eyes. This or I was just someone fooling himself. It didnt mather, I lost patience. Depression creeped in and for a period of 25 days, I send her around 7-10 messages in Facebook about "us" + few(by few 2-3) phone calls. She has her very own big problems and wanted to be alone, she asked me after every message "please leave me alone" but I couldnt. Everytime suicide thought poped inside my head, writting to her was the only way to remove it. She became angry and said that I am playing the victim. I felt that I was losing her and send my google history search with the "suicide" ideas and she just cutted me. "Blocked" me on facebook, said that I am a psyhopath, that this is not normal, that she doesnt not want to see me again.
Apperently I was harrasing the girl that I loved and her calling me a "psychopath" really hurt me. I know that I have fault but those were just few PM''s. I was ready to do so much for her and when hearing about my suicide thoughts she said "kill yourself, I dont care .. its not my problem".
It could be for the best, to let the idea for her go away. But I lack the experience to overcome big "love" dissapointment because never before I let myself so open for someone else to be just cutted out like a useless subject.
I am still young, fit, average or even above avarage looks, plenty of great friends who would do a lot for me, healthy and decent family with a little brother who adores me and yet there is that big emptyness inside me. Whats the purpose of living, so that you could be alone? Logic says that with time I would find the right person, people are always bugged off why I am for so long alone and yet I want to just to surrender. The irony is that I did like 80% of the work to be "happy", overcoming the mental burden from my childhood. Those of you who have their owns, know what an impossible task that is. Now I need just some time things to come to shape and I cant wait, I want it now! Right now I am thinking going to the nearby lake and drown myself. And I dont even deserve pitty, if I had 10 000 dollars to go whorring for few weeks, I would probably be "fine". Instead I have those repeating thoughts " for years you are alone, nothing would change, surrender"
What makes it probably hard for me - until a month ago I never shared a thing about my "fears". I had help from friends but never on a mental level. I had lived for years with constant fear, needed time to realize it, understand it, go against it and overcome it. Now when its finally over, I was expecting the grand prize of the girl that I really liked ... instead received the words "you are a psychopat". I am just tired of fighting
I am from Bulgaria. I am 29, male. Long story short, I had a freak accident as a small kid which left me a "mental" burden. That imprinted "fear" inside me and completely redirected me growing as a teenager. I ended up in a very deep mental hell. Fastforward, just recently I was able to overcome it and felt whole again for the first time in 15 years. It was wonderfull. But in recent years I lacked "love" and you could say that I became lonely.
One year ago I started connecting with a girl, for years we didnt "see" each other . She had a boyfriend(someone who I didnt respect and because of that I let feelings grow) but talk came natural to us. In a period of 12 months, I wanted to make the next step 3-4 times and she declined them. She was extremely "loyal" ... to her image. But everytime she let me continue our "friendship" while knowing my feelings are still there and while flirting from a safety distance. If anything she liked the attention. One month ago, everything seemed perfect - she was about to end her relantionship, we talked everyday, going often out and I knew her deepest secrets but one ... It was again time for the next step and she rejected me again, saying that even without the boyfriend she sees my as a friend. Imagine every one of her actions telling you that you would be together and then hearing these words. That was the time "loneliness" hit me. You find the perfect fit, she connects to you on a emotional level and she doesnt want to be with you. For someone not having a serious relantionship for years, this was painfull and doubt creeped in.
I got depressed. I could have used the same scenario, one step back and again find a way to her. I had a theory that for so long she knew she couldnt be anything with me while loving someone else and probably she needed time being single to see me with new eyes. This or I was just someone fooling himself. It didnt mather, I lost patience. Depression creeped in and for a period of 25 days, I send her around 7-10 messages in Facebook about "us" + few(by few 2-3) phone calls. She has her very own big problems and wanted to be alone, she asked me after every message "please leave me alone" but I couldnt. Everytime suicide thought poped inside my head, writting to her was the only way to remove it. She became angry and said that I am playing the victim. I felt that I was losing her and send my google history search with the "suicide" ideas and she just cutted me. "Blocked" me on facebook, said that I am a psyhopath, that this is not normal, that she doesnt not want to see me again.
Apperently I was harrasing the girl that I loved and her calling me a "psychopath" really hurt me. I know that I have fault but those were just few PM''s. I was ready to do so much for her and when hearing about my suicide thoughts she said "kill yourself, I dont care .. its not my problem".
It could be for the best, to let the idea for her go away. But I lack the experience to overcome big "love" dissapointment because never before I let myself so open for someone else to be just cutted out like a useless subject.
I am still young, fit, average or even above avarage looks, plenty of great friends who would do a lot for me, healthy and decent family with a little brother who adores me and yet there is that big emptyness inside me. Whats the purpose of living, so that you could be alone? Logic says that with time I would find the right person, people are always bugged off why I am for so long alone and yet I want to just to surrender. The irony is that I did like 80% of the work to be "happy", overcoming the mental burden from my childhood. Those of you who have their owns, know what an impossible task that is. Now I need just some time things to come to shape and I cant wait, I want it now! Right now I am thinking going to the nearby lake and drown myself. And I dont even deserve pitty, if I had 10 000 dollars to go whorring for few weeks, I would probably be "fine". Instead I have those repeating thoughts " for years you are alone, nothing would change, surrender"
What makes it probably hard for me - until a month ago I never shared a thing about my "fears". I had help from friends but never on a mental level. I had lived for years with constant fear, needed time to realize it, understand it, go against it and overcome it. Now when its finally over, I was expecting the grand prize of the girl that I really liked ... instead received the words "you are a psychopat". I am just tired of fighting
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Hey, I'm juicebox. I have constant suicidal ideation but I'm doing everything I can to survive, even if it's just for others
Not trying to draw attention, just being honest
I've always been suicidal, ever since I was a teenager. But I'm trying to survive, both for my family and because I feel that I can accomplish great things, if I survive. I've always had a feeling that I was a "chosen one" meant to change the world, for the better
We'll see, I guess
Not trying to draw attention, just being honest
I've always been suicidal, ever since I was a teenager. But I'm trying to survive, both for my family and because I feel that I can accomplish great things, if I survive. I've always had a feeling that I was a "chosen one" meant to change the world, for the better
We'll see, I guess
Pricelessadvice
Can't stay here
- Jul 30, 2019
- 24
Hello SS members-
Female, in my 40s. From US
Seems each year gets harder. I have basically been living for my dogs. I am pretty sure I have undiagnosed bipolar. This site is a godsend since I have little real human connection anymore.
Nice to know we aren't alone. (Although I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy)
I don't see the point in hanging around getting older and shittier when episodes of joy are nowhere to be found.
My plan is IV drug OD. With the horrible insomnia this disease has given me I look forward to being sleepy before ctb.
Female, in my 40s. From US
Seems each year gets harder. I have basically been living for my dogs. I am pretty sure I have undiagnosed bipolar. This site is a godsend since I have little real human connection anymore.
Nice to know we aren't alone. (Although I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy)
I don't see the point in hanging around getting older and shittier when episodes of joy are nowhere to be found.
My plan is IV drug OD. With the horrible insomnia this disease has given me I look forward to being sleepy before ctb.
Wixer
Frustrated Writer
- Jul 31, 2019
- 10
Hello, I'm Wixer. I'm 40 years old and I've lived with suicidal thoughts for about 30 of those years. It started with an abusive family and a shitty hometown, but as I grew older and semi-successfully distanced myself from those, the thoughts didn't go away. They were only reinforced when I encountered "the real world" and learned just how unfit for it I was (and still am).
The quacks at the university mental health center got their claws into me when I took a downturn as a sophomore. Not long after that, while trying to cope with the effects of the bewildering array of pills they experimented with on me, I flunked the same class twice in a row and dropped out of college.
I'm still on the pills to this day; current diagnosis BPD with depression. They don't help me get any better, but I do get worse when I go off them, so I'm stuck with them. I hate them.
After a long string of terrible, soul-destroying temp jobs, I landed a terrible, soul-destroying permanent job and toughed it out for more than 15 years. During that time I had one attempt and one week in the psych ward (not related).
The ward was by far the worst experience of my life, and in that I'm including the time my dog died in my arms from internal bleeding after my father kicked him to punish me. He never once said he was sorry for that.
The root of my problem may have been genetic and environmental, but the trunk and branches were nourished by experience. I hate how selfish, greedy, stupid, and petty people can be. I don't want to share the same planet with bigots and flat earthers and people who could spend the equivalent of my entire yearly salary every minute of every hour for the rest of their lives and still die richer than me.
In December of last year, I simply hit my limit. I resigned and took out my meager retirement savings, telling everyone that I intended to take a couple of months off "to find myself" and then look for another job. I think we all know what I really intended.
I joined an online support group while I waited for my savings to run out. I enjoy being able to offer empathy and what little advice I can, but I dislike having to tiptoe around the big S. This culture, steeped in stigmatization and criminalization, would have us believe that any life is inherently and objectively better than not being alive, no matter how miserable and degraded that life may be. I think that's a steaming pile of horseshit. I didn't choose to be thrust into this meat grinder, but I will choose when to exit, cultural judgements be damned.
The past several months of unemployed isolation arguably have been the best of my life. If I could continue this way, I'd probably make it to at least 50. But it can't continue; the money is almost gone. I have been trying to find another job, but not very hard. I know any job that would hire me will have the same effect on my sanity as all the others have. My two biggest regrets will be the effect my departure will have on my roommate and closest friend, and the fact that I never managed to adopt another dog.
The quacks at the university mental health center got their claws into me when I took a downturn as a sophomore. Not long after that, while trying to cope with the effects of the bewildering array of pills they experimented with on me, I flunked the same class twice in a row and dropped out of college.
I'm still on the pills to this day; current diagnosis BPD with depression. They don't help me get any better, but I do get worse when I go off them, so I'm stuck with them. I hate them.
After a long string of terrible, soul-destroying temp jobs, I landed a terrible, soul-destroying permanent job and toughed it out for more than 15 years. During that time I had one attempt and one week in the psych ward (not related).
The ward was by far the worst experience of my life, and in that I'm including the time my dog died in my arms from internal bleeding after my father kicked him to punish me. He never once said he was sorry for that.
The root of my problem may have been genetic and environmental, but the trunk and branches were nourished by experience. I hate how selfish, greedy, stupid, and petty people can be. I don't want to share the same planet with bigots and flat earthers and people who could spend the equivalent of my entire yearly salary every minute of every hour for the rest of their lives and still die richer than me.
In December of last year, I simply hit my limit. I resigned and took out my meager retirement savings, telling everyone that I intended to take a couple of months off "to find myself" and then look for another job. I think we all know what I really intended.
I joined an online support group while I waited for my savings to run out. I enjoy being able to offer empathy and what little advice I can, but I dislike having to tiptoe around the big S. This culture, steeped in stigmatization and criminalization, would have us believe that any life is inherently and objectively better than not being alive, no matter how miserable and degraded that life may be. I think that's a steaming pile of horseshit. I didn't choose to be thrust into this meat grinder, but I will choose when to exit, cultural judgements be damned.
The past several months of unemployed isolation arguably have been the best of my life. If I could continue this way, I'd probably make it to at least 50. But it can't continue; the money is almost gone. I have been trying to find another job, but not very hard. I know any job that would hire me will have the same effect on my sanity as all the others have. My two biggest regrets will be the effect my departure will have on my roommate and closest friend, and the fact that I never managed to adopt another dog.
After The End
The lily whispers, “I wait.”
- Jul 31, 2019
- 135
Hello forum. I joined a short while back, but I felt my user-name was a little too personal so thankfully the mods were willing to let me delete it and start over. I feel like I've already introduced myself. Obviously I'm not going to just copy-paste that. But I also can't really be bothered writing it all again from scratch and I'm sure that - though I wasn't around long - some will eventually recognise me, and that's fine by me.
So the short intro is I think about suicide a lot. I self-harm. I have bipolar, PTSD and what feel like worsening borderline traits if labels are required. I was raped in my teens and it left me kind of fucked. My main issue is lack of purpose and relationships; I am almost entirely isolated, and honestly it's been the case for so long I've gotten used to it. I used to be a big-time extrovert.
So the short intro is I think about suicide a lot. I self-harm. I have bipolar, PTSD and what feel like worsening borderline traits if labels are required. I was raped in my teens and it left me kind of fucked. My main issue is lack of purpose and relationships; I am almost entirely isolated, and honestly it's been the case for so long I've gotten used to it. I used to be a big-time extrovert.
Hi! I'm from the U.S. I have two dogs that I love! I also really love my family.
FFTMGD
Member
- Jun 7, 2019
- 49
Hello, I am here to learn a suitable way to kill myself.
I am trans and want to bear kids myself but cant.
I have not been able to attatch to anyone due to trauma when I was young
I only have felt happy in my own body when violence is involved(which I dont want violence anymore)
I barely have the energy to work, let alone have a job I can sustain myself with.
I have severe bad luck, throughout my life anything I had hope might help me put myself together or make a daa go better has ALWAYS failed. So much so people around me have noticed it.
I am trans and want to bear kids myself but cant.
I have not been able to attatch to anyone due to trauma when I was young
I only have felt happy in my own body when violence is involved(which I dont want violence anymore)
I barely have the energy to work, let alone have a job I can sustain myself with.
I have severe bad luck, throughout my life anything I had hope might help me put myself together or make a daa go better has ALWAYS failed. So much so people around me have noticed it.
Hello. I'm a late-middle-age male living in the U.S.A. I have experienced suicidal ideation most of my adult life. I'm not miserable, but if I could fall asleep and never wake up, that would be fine. My instinct for self preservation, aka SI, is very much intact, and caused me to abort or fail in several attempts. Hospitalization, medication, and years of off-and-on talk therapy have not changed my feelings. I'd just rather not wait around for death by "natural causes." I have read news items about some people who ctb. If and when I have PM privileges, I hope to see if I can secure the means they used.
ThatIsTheQuestion
Ghost in Waiting
- Aug 4, 2019
- 104
Hi everyone,
Good to meet you. I'm a long time lurker in my 40s with chronic nerve pain and bipolar, mostly mixed mood episodes (seriously nasty). I don't have a set plan to ctb yet but I'm thinking of either fent (if I can find it) or heroin + SN. I've got the H and the SN already, but I want to hit the other boards and figure out if my plan is realistic. I'm glad a place like this is real.
Good to meet you. I'm a long time lurker in my 40s with chronic nerve pain and bipolar, mostly mixed mood episodes (seriously nasty). I don't have a set plan to ctb yet but I'm thinking of either fent (if I can find it) or heroin + SN. I've got the H and the SN already, but I want to hit the other boards and figure out if my plan is realistic. I'm glad a place like this is real.
Hey everyone,
I'm a Veterinary Technology student from Canada, diagnosed with major depressive disorder, persistent depressive disorder, and severe anxiety. I was in therapy for 6 years, doing CBT for 4 years, and ACT and DBT combined for another 2. I've tried multiple medications as well as changing my nutrition and sleep habits. I eat clean and am a dedicated athlete and yet I'm still fu*%ed in the head. I've had 2 failed attempts and have been in hospital twice.
I love Billy Talent, animals, and writing.
I'm sick of trying everything that's been thrown at me and doing everything I'm supposed to to get better and only getting worse and worse. I'd love to believe that everyone gets better but unfortunately that's not reality so.... here I am I guess.
I'm a Veterinary Technology student from Canada, diagnosed with major depressive disorder, persistent depressive disorder, and severe anxiety. I was in therapy for 6 years, doing CBT for 4 years, and ACT and DBT combined for another 2. I've tried multiple medications as well as changing my nutrition and sleep habits. I eat clean and am a dedicated athlete and yet I'm still fu*%ed in the head. I've had 2 failed attempts and have been in hospital twice.
I love Billy Talent, animals, and writing.
I'm sick of trying everything that's been thrown at me and doing everything I'm supposed to to get better and only getting worse and worse. I'd love to believe that everyone gets better but unfortunately that's not reality so.... here I am I guess.
shelledone
Member
- Aug 4, 2019
- 26
Hello. I'm fairly new and just found this intro thread.
I'm a female in my 40s, divorced, live alone except for pet turtles. There is really no reason I haven't been a "success" at life. I had nice parents, didn't go without, etc. I was just born broken, I guess. Fear and being puzzled at life consumed me. I don't know if I was/am smart or not. I graduated from university with a math science degree with a high GPA, but I've never felt brilliant. I've worked at home doing medical transcription and coding since I don't drive. I get no satisfaction with what I do. I wish I could pretend and live for the day, but when I'm utterly bored and always alone, it's too hard. What's the point of waiting to die naturally? In school, I would think about how life was organized into these scheduled blocks of trimesters or what have you, counting the grades (1st thru 12th) go by. Now my final milestone really feels like death. Wonderful. The best thing I can do for myself is have some control over it. It's sad it might impact my family in unknown ways, but I have to believe they are so much stronger than me. They don't understand me at all and cannot help me. I've already gotten much financial help and could possibly even float through life on that, but that's just not for me.
If it weren't for my pets, who knows what I'd try. I have to at least pull myself together to make sure they get a proper home. It has to happen anyway since I could keel over naturally at any moment (should I be so lucky) and no one would know for quite the while.
I think I just need to wait for my survival instinct to dim even further. When I used to get palpitations or a racing heart, I'd feel afraid, but now I welcome that feeling and just wish it was a fatal episode, ha.
I'm a female in my 40s, divorced, live alone except for pet turtles. There is really no reason I haven't been a "success" at life. I had nice parents, didn't go without, etc. I was just born broken, I guess. Fear and being puzzled at life consumed me. I don't know if I was/am smart or not. I graduated from university with a math science degree with a high GPA, but I've never felt brilliant. I've worked at home doing medical transcription and coding since I don't drive. I get no satisfaction with what I do. I wish I could pretend and live for the day, but when I'm utterly bored and always alone, it's too hard. What's the point of waiting to die naturally? In school, I would think about how life was organized into these scheduled blocks of trimesters or what have you, counting the grades (1st thru 12th) go by. Now my final milestone really feels like death. Wonderful. The best thing I can do for myself is have some control over it. It's sad it might impact my family in unknown ways, but I have to believe they are so much stronger than me. They don't understand me at all and cannot help me. I've already gotten much financial help and could possibly even float through life on that, but that's just not for me.
If it weren't for my pets, who knows what I'd try. I have to at least pull myself together to make sure they get a proper home. It has to happen anyway since I could keel over naturally at any moment (should I be so lucky) and no one would know for quite the while.
I think I just need to wait for my survival instinct to dim even further. When I used to get palpitations or a racing heart, I'd feel afraid, but now I welcome that feeling and just wish it was a fatal episode, ha.
Hello, I just joined and thought this was the right place to write my first post.
I'm 21 years old female and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression 2,5-3 years ago. I hate myself and I feel worthless. And then I can't fall asleep at night which causes my negative thoughts. I don't know what I am doing with my life and I wonder if I am ever going to live a normal one.. probably not, but hope is everything for me at the moment.
I am currently in a really dark period b
ut hope this one won't last for long.
I'm 21 years old female and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression 2,5-3 years ago. I hate myself and I feel worthless. And then I can't fall asleep at night which causes my negative thoughts. I don't know what I am doing with my life and I wonder if I am ever going to live a normal one.. probably not, but hope is everything for me at the moment.
I am currently in a really dark period b
ut hope this one won't last for long.
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hello everyone,
I've lived with severe depression since my teens, I've been diagnosed with MDD, persistent depressive disorder and severe anxiety, and it gets worse with the years meds and therapy dosen't really work, it helps a little sometimes but nothing really life changing, so I'm here
I've lived with severe depression since my teens, I've been diagnosed with MDD, persistent depressive disorder and severe anxiety, and it gets worse with the years meds and therapy dosen't really work, it helps a little sometimes but nothing really life changing, so I'm here
Hello, I'm in my early 50s. I've had suicidal thoughts pretty much since I was a teenager. My life is empty except for unrelenting anxiety. I want nothing more than to be able to retire even if means a terminal illness so I don't have to go to work anymore. Its not the work or even my lovely co-workers, just that its so hard to function and deal with anything - even an email - that I want to be able to stop the world spinning around me. Everything feels like a burden.
I used to be able to 'life myself up' and think hopeful thoughts, but life has beaten hope out of me.
I'm very happy that I found this website, where I can candidly share my thoughts and talk about suicide.
I used to be able to 'life myself up' and think hopeful thoughts, but life has beaten hope out of me.
I'm very happy that I found this website, where I can candidly share my thoughts and talk about suicide.
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