Intro and SN?

[End Game]

Been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time, been medicated for 15 years and sick of it. Tried getting off the meds this last year and the past 3 months have turned into a complete shit show. I can no longer work and have no motivation to do anything. Dealing with a lot of anxiety right now, seriously lost the will to live late December.

I deal with transgender issues my entire life, was bullied a lot in my youth, was socially awkward most of my life so found it hard to make friends.

Been lurking for a while and here is what I am thinking...

1000 mg Tylenol
OTC antacid @ 2 times standard dosage
Lorazepam (Ativan) - on hand, but how much?
LW SN 20 - 25mg in 50ml water w/ 2 backup cups. I weigh 170 lbs. Is that like 2 teaspoons worth, right?
Hard candy for taste after drinking SN.

I don't have access to the Meto, but I was reading the Ativan has some antiemetic properties, will it do fine all by itself?

Wish I could do it at home, where I am comfortable, but can't be alone for enough time. Maybe I'll drive out to a remote area where I will not be found for a day or two?

This is scary AF! I want the pain to stop, but this is a big deal, anybody who says suicide is the easy way out doesn't know what they are talking about! I am so sick of people who say it is selfish, I think what is selfish is making someone who doesn't want to live feel guilty for having those feelings to try to keep you around so they feel better.

I have found myself daydreaming about being absent, imagining myself gone from the room and visualizing how my family would react. I often feel like there is not anything I want to do anymore, so all life is for me now is toiling away...waiting to get better or die.

Just some random things going through my mind...feel free to reply.

 

[mirko]

Seems fine to me. Is the OTC anti-acid tagamet?
Regarding Ativan I don't know the amount either but I would take it 1 hour before drinking the SN

 

[End Game]

Seems fine to me. Is the OTC anti-acid tagamet?
Regarding Ativan I don't know the amount either but I would take it 1 hour before drinking the SN

Yeah, I was thinking of using the Tagamet @ 30 mins before the drink. Thanks.

 

[End Game]

I did get the SN on order, going to assemble the kit and have it ready to go regardless of what I decide as I do not currently have a set date. I was agonizing over ordering it, almost obsessed feeling if I ordered it that was the end, then read a lot of posts that many find comfort and strength knowing they have the means at their disposal. Kind of like knowing I am in control of my life now and I don't have to waste any more energy or carry the weight of deciding on a method.

I had a doctors appointment today, trying some new medication, going on Effexor immediately. I am holding out as long as I can to see if that works, we agreed to 4 weeks so I am going to try and make that. Traditionally, I have been more on the depressed side of things and this anxiety I have been experiencing is just on another level. I researched what is the most effective antidepressant for anxiety and Effexor kept coming up.

I just want to say that when I first researched this forum, I was unsure as it is so raw. I am learning what a great resource SS is and how necessary it is to keep this site up. It is both scary and beautiful to read what others are going through and the wisdom of those who left before us. It is in sharing and supporting each other, regardless of your life choice, that we can find peace...be that here or in the beyond.

I also have made the realization that I am one of you, I can identify with so much of what I read on this forum.

 

[End Game]

My emotions went off the cliff late last night before bed, cried myself to sleep. Slept about 6 hours and woke up and have been crying most of the morning. I don't know what to do, feel like I am running out of options for treatment. Sad, because I had one really good 1/2 day a couple days ago. Spent an evening working on a puzzle with my wife, felt so nice and peaceful.

I have my SN and full kit ready now, no antiemetic, been thinking about it a lot. I can't do it at home though as I am not alone. I have read about others doing it in their car, seems less relaxing and uncomfortable--harder to get your mind right. I know in the end it would not matter, but feel like such a big decision shouldn't feel like going through a drive up window. Yeah, I will have the SN combo pack and a small water. Oh, and do you mind if I park my car here overnight?

All I want is to feel like my normal self, not depressed or drugged on antidepressants & benzos. I can't even get out of this cloud with the meds lately. I would accept feeling better with the meds though, in a heartbeat, feeling good w/o them is just a dream. Not even sure if I care if I can work again, but I know it would be good for me, I would just like to be able to be there for my wife.

There is a state run mental health facility about an hour from where Iive. I have heard these are not fun places to go to for help though. Any of you have experience with being treated inpatient? Was it beneficial or a shit show?

Maybe I can hang on longer for the new meds to kick in, over 1 week now. Maybe a higher dose once I get used to current dose?

If you read all this, thank you, I am almost journaling on here.

 

[HopelessFight]

If I were you, I would try to control your emotions about SN. From your posts it sounds like you have some options left trying to improve your life. If you really cannot go on anymore and are out of options to improve your situation, I'd be the last person to tell you CTB is not understandable. But if you have some hope left with medicine or therapy and you can cope with it, please give it a try first.

Don't take SN because you are in an emotional state. Think it through if this is really what you want, because it's a permanent descision. It will be your choice, but please don't make such choice impulsively.

Also, please note that you will most likely puke. Being in your car will probably not be the most comfortable place.

About inpatient: some are horrible, some are good. I think this applies to most locations in the world.

 

[booray]

There is a state run mental health facility about an hour from where Iive. I have heard these are not fun places to go to for help though. Any of you have experience with being treated inpatient? Was it beneficial or a shit show?

I'm sorry to read that you are in such pain. To answer your question, I have been incarcerated in both state and private mental health facilities and I can unequivocally tell you that they are of no benefit whatsoever. Essentially, all they do is hold you in order to ensure that you don't harm yourself. You get fed three meals a day, there are activities to keep you occupied, but there is very little if any "treatment" per se. In fact, the last place I was in didn't even give me my prescribed antidepressants because "it wasn't indicated". If you're in the US, you will not have access to your phone or a computer. Basically, your civil rights are stripped away and you're treated like a child. I don't know how they have the nerve to call these facilities hospitals as they are more like prisons IMO. I always emerged from these places more fucked up than when I arrived.

 

[Doubledie2]

Hi End Game, I have a brother who is going through exactly what you are going through - in fact when I ready your post I thought maybe you were him. To be honest I was a bit rattled. He has been battling with anxiety and depression for years since loosing his job, which he left by choice. Since then he has not been able to hold down a job for more than 3 months. I've given him some work to do for the past 3 years, but his depression got so bad this past December I had to let him go - but at the same express my loss of his support for me in my business - because he really knows his stuff. Then suddenly was offered a job (after half-hearted applications since December) that allows him to work from home and manage his anxiety. The job pays well and already his has come back to me with an offer of support. I love him for it. His world is changing. He is finding purpose again. The tunnel may be long, dark and bleak, but if you can imaging a life post depression, then it is worth reaching for it.

 

[End Game]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me, I will take them to heart. I took a step back, ate some lunch and went for a drive. We bought a couple games we can play here at the house, try to stay engaged in life as best I can.

I have considered finding a work from home position, if I get to a point where I can do that.

Thanks for the info on the "hospitals", I have heard similar things and I will stay clear of that place.

Peace to you all...

 

[Last chance]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me, I will take them to heart. I took a step back, ate some lunch and went for a drive. We bought a couple games we can play here at the house, try to stay engaged in life as best I can.

I have considered finding a work from home position, if I get to a point where I can do that.

Thanks for the info on the "hospitals", I have heard similar things and I will stay clear of that place.

Peace to you all...

Effexor stopped me from being suicidal a few years ago. I was on it for 3 years in total so its worth giving it some time to see if it takes the edge off your depression. I was on the maximum dose,300 and something MG. Just to warn you though,the withdrawals if you ever come off it are pretty nasty.

 

[End Game]

Effexor stopped me from being suicidal a few years ago. I was on it for 3 years in total so its worth giving it some time to see if it takes the edge off your depression. I was on the maximum dose,300 and something MG. Just to warn you though,the withdrawals if you ever come off it are pretty nasty.

Thanks for your input. I was aware of the withdrawal reputation of Effexor before I made the decision. If it works, I have no intention of coming off unless I am switching to something else because it stopped working. At this point, I think I am a lifer as far as medication goes. After what I have been through the last few months, I need to be more willing to accept some of the side effects of the medications.

The level of pain and suffering that is possible from mental illness is mind blowing. Is there really even a limit to the depth of the abyss? There are certainly levels to this thing and limits to how long a person can endure the pain. If I knew I had to live the rest of my life feeling like I have recently, I would absolutely CTB. It is the hope that I can get better that keeps me going.

Experiences like these makes one understand why suicide needs to be left open as a viable option for people who are suffering from serious chronic medical conditions, physical or mental. I know there are people enduring far worse than I have and people who have CTB for far lesser things than I have experienced, but everyones tolerance is different so it is a personal decision.

I appreciate all the support the SS family has shown me.

 

[Into The Void]

This book details how much lorazepam is needed for anyone committing suicide.

https://www.dignifieddying.com/publicaties/EN/2006%20Guide%20to%20Self-Chosen%20and%20Humane%20Death.pdf

 

[bad luck]

Your story is similar to mine except my meds are diazepam and zolpidem. I keep looking for drugs online. I was always suspicious of being scammed online but I will place an order shortly and see if they send it and how it works. If not, I'll have to go without antiemetics and have several backup glasses.

 

[End Game]

Well, I packed up my kit, along with a blanket, water, towels, music, and drove to find a location yesterday afternoon. The first spot had people all over the place, so had to go get more fuel in the car and do some more exploring. I found a really nice spot, but when I stopped the car I just sat there, it felt so calm and peaceful sitting there in the car with my method. I stayed there for awhile thinking about my life and drove home. The hardest part was leaving the house, I was crying a lot as I didn't think I would be coming back...a weird feeling. Of course, the calm I felt out there is long gone today, back to the anxiety.

 

[Crusader]

Did you read this?: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/

Some people use Tagamet / Cimetidin and even simple baking soda should work.

 

[End Game]

Did you read this?: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/

Some people use Tagamet / Cimetidin and even simple baking soda should work.

Yeah, I have the Tagamet, everything but the antiemetic. I was ready, just didn't do it. Not sure if that is common to go up to the ledge and step back? Seems like if I go again I will know better where I want to go and what to expect as far as my response. I wasn't expecting the calmness, which was nice, but it threw me off.

Is that kind of a normal response?

 

[Crusader]

Is that kind of a normal response?

Normal, what is normal ? Everybody is different.

So you are looking for MCP/Meto ? You can also use Domperidon.

 

[End Game]

I was just going to not use the antiemetic, none of those drugs are readily available to me and I read it is not mission critical to have it.

 

[End Game]

The damn Effexor is causing me horrific jitters and restlessness. I skipped taking it a couple days ago and I felt better, much calmer. I took it the next day and had ridiculous restless leg shakes most of the day. It seems like I then get progressively better throughout the day. I messaged my general practitioner doctor and she recommended I find a Psychiatrist as it doesn't make sense to her. It can take awhile to get an appointment, so kind of hanging out on a limb here today.

Is my body rejecting the medication or is it just a side effect that will go away in time? Definitely having an effect on me and making me feel hopeless and wanting to just make it stop...thinking about CTB is my happy place.

I am at a point where I am afraid to take the medication due to side effects and fearful of withdrawal if I don't.

 

[End Game]

I think I may need to take a break from the forum for awhile, work on some recovery steps. Not sure yet what exactly that looks like, but I am target fixated too much on SN, but I have too strong of SI to overcome it and it is leaving me mentally torn to pieces.

Thanks for all your advice and support!

 

[Crusader]

Take care + best wiches !

 

[End Game]

I have a new Psychiatrist now, have met with her twice...much more knowledgeable than anyone I have seen since I moved 5 years ago. We are trying a low dose of Lexapro, just 5mg to start out, and I am tolerating it very well. Feels like I am starting to sleep a little bit better already, i am on day 5, heading into night 6 when I close my eyes. Anxiety is still a problem, using Ativan as needed, which lately is a couple times a day.

I still think about checking out, but life is less painful and crying less, now that anxiety is less than it was. Honestly, the bad reactions to the other meds were seriously compounding my condition, so that has improved. I still have to really push myself to do things and true joy is scarce.

I am wondering if there is any complete recovery from a trip to the edge? Like, once you have truly given up and walked out the door, with your 'ticket' in your hand, figuring on never coming back, can you mentally ever get beyond the desire for the void? Even when I wasn't in a deep depression, life can seem like a chore,. I guess time will tell, still working very hard on recovery, forcing myself to eat, sleep, take meds, and exercise is not fun, but I am doing everything I can.

There is a part of me that wishes I had CTB when I was right there in that moment, but I felt calm come over me and I wasn't expecting that. I wonder how long before I have a day where I feel like I am glad I am still alive?!?!

 

[End Game]

Damn it, damn it, I feel like shit. Have not been sleeping well, having to take a lot of meds to try and sleep. Was using Benadryl, Ativan, Melatonin, and Valerian tea with mixed results. Still having a lot of anxiety, doctor gave me some low dose Seroquel to take at bedtime for sleep and also anxiety. I did sleep some, w/o the other supplements, but feel really kind of out of it and a different kind of anxiety. I am so sick of trying to recover and do not want to live my life on psych meds feeling all weirded out.

Why is it so hard to CTB!?!? Why can't I just walk out the door and go take my SN? I think it's just because of my wife, only reason really. I wish I could hang on, but I am so damn uncomfortable in my mind...I can't stand it anymore.

 

[End Game]

Well, I fasted and took the Acetaminophen an hour ago and I drove back out to my spot again, it is so peaceful and quiet out here. I was surprised I have any data connectivity. Kind of sad, but also feeling some relief knowing the pain may stop.

If I don't provide an update...please wish me well and see you on the other side.

 

[bad luck]

Well, I fasted and took the Acetaminophen an hour ago and I drove back out to my spot again, it is so peaceful and quiet out here. I was surprised I have any data connectivity. Kind of sad, but also feeling some relief knowing the pain may stop.

If I don't provide an update...please wish me well and see you on the other side.

Lucky. I hope you find peace