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James Fish

New Member
Jul 1, 2018
Hey guys,
I don't expect much reception here, I'm mostly just posting this to look back on (or not) and hopefully read a few responses. I've been suicidal for years now, but the weird thing is is that my life was great at one point in time. Before I realized I wanted to kill myself, I would be depressed over small things in life but the past few years have been engulfed in a greyness that I can't describe. In reading a few other posts here over the past couple months I've seen this greyness mirrored and it's wild knowing other people feel like this. I've really want to find a cause for feeling like so and this search has been the main reason I haven't yet said fuck it. Perhaps I have CTE from years of sports and a traumatic brain injury. Perhaps I have some neuropsychiatric disorder that could be cured. Maybe I'm just depressed and need to find something to give me energy. All I know is that something is wrong. I was reading a obituary of a 23 year old who OD'd and they had found in an autopsy that he had late stage encephalopathy from playing soccer, which is pretty much like getting Alzheimer's as a kid. His family all said he knew there was something wrong with his head and he would often complain about it, but MRI's showed nothing. I feel like that guy. Avoiding light, trouble with speech and sleep, all this random shit that I can't seem to piece together. I really hope that I can figure out what the hell's wrong but there's been this knowledge for the past few years now that I am going to kill myself. It feels deep down that whatever went wrong really won't right itself in this lifetime.

Do you guys look back and point to specific things that made things the way they are now? Or do you want to ctb because of one specific event? For myself I go a few weeks knowing I'll kill myself, and then eventually find some tidbit of hope that pushes me to think things will get better. I do want to eventually try and make things better for myself, but it's hard knowing if I really can. I've tried a few times now to no avail. The troubling thought is that my state of consciousness really hasn't been the same for the past few years.

I spend my days playing video games and sleeping a lot. I used to read but I've lost the attention span for that. I'd love to hear if you guys reserve some hope for a better future and/or think things will ever change for you. All the best to you guys.


Mar 16, 2018
I guess it'd be easier for me to state that my mother passing away was the start of my depression, but if I'm being completely honest with myself I've never been completely satisfied with my life. Even as a very young child I felt like something was missing. Everyday felt (and still does) dull and repetitive, as back then my schedule would consist of waking up, enduring school, and returning home and spending the rest of my day and night watching movies and playing games until I got into the habit of using the internet. And while as a kid I was usually easily entertained by what I had, it was always me watching and playing the same things over and over again. It made me wonder if this was all there was to life, though it clearly wasn't. Combine these thoughts with me struggling in school, and it transformed me into a rather sad and troubled child.

Even if my mother hadn't passed away, my suicidal thoughts would have began to form eventually anyway, as I still wouldn't have a dad, and my only real father figure (my grandfather) would have still died as well. Me being practically alone IRL with the exception of having only one "friend" who would regularly treat me like shit before just suddenly not wanting anything to do with me didn't help matters.

But I think the biggest trigger for me was when I was forced into a mental hospital, where I was subjected to many things I would have rather not experienced. I consider that event to be the starting point of when my life really began to decline, as shortly after I was allowed to leave I started to suffer from an illness that I later learned is chronic. It causes me daily excruciating pain that severely limits me. No longer can I go out to movie theaters or restaurants with my grandmother (which was one of the few things that could give me temporary joy). No longer can I eat practically anything without suffering consequences afterwards. No longer can I even sit up or stand for long periods without the pain becoming too severe to bear. I've had to go to the hospital on several occasions due to my symptoms, and I can't imagine my physical state getting any better from here. But due to this fact, I can't really see myself living without crippling depression either.

Though there are a couple things that keep me going, I do feel rather hopeless. I'm destined to not really have much of a future with this illness chaining me down, which makes it really difficult for me to think optimistically.

But on an unrelated note, welcome to the forum. I hope you enjoy yourself here.


Mar 20, 2018
Welcome and thank you for sharing your story! I wouldn't consider myself a very interesting person to talk about since no specific event caused my problem. But I seem to see the greyness you are talking about. I feel like that too. It's like a damper on all things. I can see good things happen, I can see other people being happy, but I'm just watching, never a part of anything.


Apr 27, 2018
The troubling thought is that my state of consciousness really hasn't been the same for the past few years.

can you write more about that ... if you want .

I have recently realized that all literature is an analysis of consciousness .
( nothing like a sweeping statement )...

Message board reparte (?) ... may even emerge as a form of literature.

A medium of self knowlege.

For me ... I've been running on denial for years .
Denial of being suicidal .
Not a socially acceptable attitude.

Hiding away from people ( intimate indifference ... thats a copyrighted phrase ha ha )

James Fish

New Member
Jul 1, 2018
I'd like to reply to you all but I'm still learning the form of message boards. Thanks for sharing your respective stories.
@Okami Thanks for sharing. I feel like bad luck runs in some of us. I'm sorry to hear about your illness.

Yeah. TBI's are insanely scary. You lose a part of your thinking process and memory that you never gain back. Whatever life is to come is comprised of new processes that you've developed to work around the deficit. You never really are the same person. Living with this deficit is a big part of my depression. I sympathize with your reading on the subjects of psychiatry. I myself have always been fairly opposed to psychiatric drugs but I've been on one or two. I'm currently aimed at getting tests done to check for infections (Lyme) that could be the cause of where I am but I'm doubtful that anything will come up and am wary of pseudoscience.

I've never been able to describe that. It started years ago when I got really sick and something changed. As I stated earlier I haven't figured out since if I have some imbalance, inflammation or damage. I can't describe the exact feeling as I've only ever been able to describe what it has caused or what could have caused it. What it did cause was going from a life of love, travel, and education to anxiety, silence, and exhaustion. I lost all of my friends in a matter of months along with most of my intellect. Even my musical skill diminished. It kind of felt like I always forgot what I wanted to say. I used to try to philosophize it and find some meaning in works like "The Book of Disquiet" by Pessoa or "The Pale King" by DFW. But that was before I got my actual brain injury. Now I really find no meaning in my suffering. From what I can piece together, when you lose a part of your consciousness/intelligence, you don't actually have the capacity to compare it to what it was before. Your memories are only comprised of the events that you experienced, but not your actual conscious perception of them. So it's hard to tell what's different. All you know is that you lost something, but you aren't even sure what it was. But that's a lot of words to say something simple :)