Dec 13, 2020
Ok soooo....

I've been suicidal most of my life and fought most of my life to not be... I've never been on meds but I self medicate... (Nothing hard core, weed, and shrooms). At 12 I tried to shoot myself bullet didn't fire... At 15 I tried overdose on pain killers, slept for hours but still woke up... Gave up until about 22ish, then tried pain killers again didn't even give me a buzz... I stopped trying since then, but my ex-wife pulled a gun on me, there was no fear as I screamed at her to pull the trigger.... She did and missed using a 30/30 lever action rifle at 3 steps away so roughly 3 yards... Ex-wife tries to kill me in fire set to my house while she was in jail... Obviously failed.... Again ex-wife hired a hit on me, fails but I sustained life changing injuries... While I may not have actively been trying to end things I was never cautious... I've been recovering from my ex wife's last attempt since 2018... I'm now at a point I can't handle things again... I've got nobody and I've got nothing... My pain is no longer only mental and I can't block both the mental pain and the physical pain...

March is my target for closing the book... I've never been caught in any of my attempts and nobody besides people here know I'm even depressed... I've gotten way too good at hiding my emotions from people and its caused me to kill myself from the inside... There is one person that is stopping me, only because it would kill her to bury me before I bury her... She's over 80 and not in good health...

Sorry for the book but things got really bad for me today...


Hanging on is hard
Dec 2, 2019
Wow, you have had a really rough time of it and I don't mean that lightly. I can absolutely understand not being able to go before your 80+ yr old relative. It's good of you to wait for her sake, despite the pain it will cause you. I'm sorry you're continuing to struggle with so much pain and have no one to talk to about it. There are a lot of great people here and very good resources. I hope you'll find what you need here.