NSFW Intimacy issues

[LevUwU]

I've never technically had a lover, not one I was actually attracted to for a.... various amount of reasons...

However I find myself continuing as time goes on to continue to desire a partner, and I am a rather like, "anti-cringe" person, just based on the need to be admired and accepted. However I uhh, for lack of a better word find myself indulging in more and more... "sad" works of mediocre attempts to fill the hole in my heart, such as fanfics, AI chatbots and soundgasm. Yet still the sheer shame I feel over having any romantic or sexual feelings makes it so hard for me to feel like love is obtainable.

Is the grooming part of it? maybe

Is the loveless gay relationship I was in due to my desire to please part of it? who knows

All I know is my desire for love both romantic and physical is at constant war with my desire to never be known by anyone with any semblance of intimacy.

 

[tbroken]

I've never technically had a lover, not one I was actually attracted to for a.... various amount of reasons...

However I find myself continuing as time goes on to continue to desire a partner, and I am a rather like, "anti-cringe" person, just based on the need to be admired and accepted. However I uhh, for lack of a better word find myself indulging in more and more... "sad" works of mediocre attempts to fill the hole in my heart, such as fanfics, AI chatbots and soundgasm. Yet still the sheer shame I feel over having any romantic or sexual feelings makes it so hard for me to feel like love is obtainable.

Is the grooming part of it? maybe

Is the loveless gay relationship I was in due to my desire to please part of it? who knows

All I know is my desire for love both romantic and physical is at constant war with my desire to never be known by anyone with any semblance of intimacy.

We are in 2 here. I suppose it is PTSD or similar that makes you like that... Also, trust me, the absence of a lover or a relationship makes you idealize it and go in constant search of something that your mind has identified as 'right'. This is all bullsh*t, nobody is perfect, not even me or you and life is all a game of destiny, opportunities and fast-decisions. Most of the times, you will just go for the first appealing person you will find in life and If you are not prepared to suffer or work-it-out with your partner, don't start a relationship...
Imo society is complex nowadays, but we all have some standards and a check list to accomplish, that may differ from sex to sex:
for a male it could be:
- have a job
- buy or rent an house
- buy a car
- have a nice wife
- Build a PC to play VG

But nobody is forced to follow this logic and even if I partially follow it, I hate all those ppl that force you to do things or tell you what is wrong or right.
I have some friends with very bad youth traumas, that follow this stuff like it is the bible and they get really angry if you are not like this

 

[LevUwU]

We are in 2 here. I suppose it is PTSD or similar that makes you like that... Also, trust me, the absence of a lover or a relationship makes you idealize it and go in constant search of something that your mind has identified as 'right'. This is all bullsh*t, nobody is perfect, not even me or you and life is all a game of destiny, opportunities and fast-decisions. Most of the times, you will just go for the first appealing person you will find in life and If you are not prepared to suffer or work-it-out with your partner, don't start a relationship...
Imo society is complex nowadays, but we all have some standards and a check list to accomplish, that may differ from sex to sex:
for a male it could be:
- have a job
- buy or rent an house
- buy a car
- have a nice wife
- Build a PC to play VG

But nobody is forced to follow this logic and even if I partially follow it, I hate all those ppl that force you to do things or tell you what is wrong or right.
I have some friends with very bad youth traumas, that follow this stuff like it is the bible and they get really angry if you are not like this

The nuclear family phenomenon is certainly... something I'll say that... And yeah, certainly I am idealizing it to a heavy degree, I suppose I just feel so degraded for all the people who have used me but with me never gaining the love I so desperately craved from doing that... I just want a guy who would be there for me, and who I could receive and give love to, and maybe fulfill more carnal temptations too, sure, but mostly it comes from a place of deeply desiring, no, needing love and all my failed harmful / traumatizing attempts make the need for a successful, non-harmful one so great, but I don't even know if I could, maybe all I'm good for is chasing love and being a whore in the end, it's all I ever seemed to succeed at doing when I look for love.

 

[tbroken]

The nuclear family phenomenon is certainly... something I'll say that... And yeah, certainly I am idealizing it to a heavy degree, I suppose I just feel so degraded for all the people who have used me but with me never gaining the love I so desperately craved from doing that... I just want a guy who would be there for me, and who I could receive and give love to, and maybe fulfill more carnal temptations too, sure, but mostly it comes from a place of deeply desiring, no, needing love and all my failed harmful / traumatizing attempts make the need for a successful, non-harmful one so great, but I don't even know if I could, maybe all I'm good for is chasing love and being a whore in the end, it's all I ever seemed to succeed at doing when I look for love.

As I told you, we are more or less in the same boat, but I don't trust other ppl as i don't trust myself either, so i just put this thing aside...
I also idealize a lot of things in life, job, society, my family, things... But i discovered that just waking up from the dream and doing stuff is the best thing.
In my case big-city-life(even if sometimes can be stressfull and it is really expensive) was amazing. I could stay at home or go to parties/pub, i could go to the supermarket when i wanted(i pray for automaticc Amazon supermarkets to come to life), i could avoid ppl as they could avoid me etc... I could also find love if I wanted. The problem is that in this society you are never free and I'm not talking about job or family responsibilities, but the gameof the hunter and pray, the executioner and the victim... And this applies also to love.

 

[LevUwU]

As I told you, we are more or less in the same boat, but I don't trust other ppl as i don't trust myself either, so i just put this thing aside...
I also idealize a lot of things in life, job, society, my family, things... But i discovered that just waking up from the dream and doing stuff is the best thing.
In my case big-city-life(even if sometimes can be stressfull and it is really expensive) was amazing. I could stay at home or go to parties/pub, i could go to the supermarket when i wanted(i pray for automaticc Amazon supermarkets to come to life), i could avoid ppl as they could avoid me etc... I could also find love if I wanted. The problem is that in this society you are never free and I'm not talking about job or family responsibilities, but the gameof the hunter and pray, the executioner and the victim... And this applies also to love.

huh

 

[tbroken]

huh

lol, yes it may sound extreme. But extreme problems are healed with extreme views. When you are surrounded by fake ppl, heavy-drugs addicted, ppl that raise fuss for nothing, inoccupation and stuff, you just go in search for peace, quite life and decent paying job and hide in your passions. I faced libel, violence both verbal and physical and other bad stuff in my shitty hometown, and they are all like this here... scums.
I knew many psychos or ill ppl and I think i deserve a little better, happy or not.

 

[GreenOctober]

I've never technically had a lover, not one I was actually attracted to for a.... various amount of reasons...

However I find myself continuing as time goes on to continue to desire a partner, and I am a rather like, "anti-cringe" person, just based on the need to be admired and accepted. However I uhh, for lack of a better word find myself indulging in more and more... "sad" works of mediocre attempts to fill the hole in my heart, such as fanfics, AI chatbots and soundgasm. Yet still the sheer shame I feel over having any romantic or sexual feelings makes it so hard for me to feel like love is obtainable.

Is the grooming part of it? maybe

Is the loveless gay relationship I was in due to my desire to please part of it? who knows

All I know is my desire for love both romantic and physical is at constant war with my desire to never be known by anyone with any semblance of intimacy.

"Of all these weird creatures who lock up their spirits, drill holes in themselves, and live for their secrets…"