Internal Monologue

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Of all the things that affect me the most, this has to be the worst. It is a constant barrage of self-doubt, self-loathing, and anxiety. The medications doctors have tried over the years barely help. At best, they reduce one type of negative chatter and fill the gap by finding some other form of negative chatter.

It's also the one thing that absolutely no one else could ever understand, because there's no way they can experience it. They may have their own struggles with their own internal monologue, but they could never know the full barrage unleashed by mine on me. Friends can only ever say things like "things will get better" or "maybe if you tried this." They don't understand that even if all the horrible life situations plaguing me were to magically disappear, my own thoughts would still pester me relentlessly.

And even in those rare instances when I latch on to a little bit of hope... thinking a new job or new location or relationship change would transform my life for the better... that voice reminds me that I'll still be the horrible human being always suffering from the same personality traits; that nothing will ever actually get better and that history will always repeat itself. It reminds me that I'll never be free of it, because I'll never be free of myself, and that's why my death is the only solution.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I feel like this very often, so I can relate to what you are saying. I do not know if it is internalized negative talk I was exposed to in childhood or what else might be causing it, but it is hard to live with.

 

[BPD Barbie]

My internal monologue is an asshole as well. Constantly making me feel less of a human and reminding me how much of a bad person I am. It's like I'm not allowed to be happy. Sorry that yours plagues you as well, it's really not a nice thing to live with, but it's comforting to know others go through it as well.

 

[Deleted member 94]

I feel like this very often, so I can relate to what you are saying. I do not know if it is internalized negative talk I was exposed to in childhood or what else might be causing it, but it is hard to live with.

Have you tried mindfulness it worked with others know the thought exists but don't let it own you and start believing that it defines you in any way, it starts too lose power and you gain control once you have that you keep it. I was once told that about discerning what's real and not real during medication induced psychosis. I stopped practicing after the psychosis ended

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Have you tried mindfulness it worked with others know the thought exists but don't let it own you and start believing that it defines you in any way, it starts too lose power and you gain control ones you have that you keep it. I was once told that about discerning what's real and not real during medication induced psychosis. I stopped practicing after the psychosis ended

I haven't tried it. I might.

 

[Kat!]

A lot of people have terrible self esteem. I don't know exactly how to fix it but for me I just do things I like to do, it helps me take my mind off of it for some time.

 

[Deleted member 94]

Keeping active will always take your mind of things this is proven form of therapy and doing stuff you enjoy is a double deal.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Keeping active will always take your mind if things this is proven form of therapy and doing stuff you enjoy is a double deal.

Before my life was derailed in July 2019, I had a dream job that kept me super occupied and engaged in my favorite activity — making music. Perhaps that's why my internal monologue didn't bother me quite as much back then.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think my internal monologue started getting worse when I stopped living with my father because he was always the only negative force I had in my life and he discouraged almost all of my hobbies, interests, and wants. He was nowhere as mean to me as I am to myself even though he did punish me brutally if I ever did anything wrong. That was over 10 years ago and my inner voice has only gotten more antagonistic to the point where I just wish it was dead.