Intense hatred leads to stripping away of emotions

[Painless_end]

And I become a robot.

Repeated desire to escape and repeated unhappiness at not having escaped and still being bound to some kind of weird still functioning lifestyle makes the hatred and anger reach a kind of extreme level in my mind.

But it is nowhere enough to kill myself so I end up swallowing it.

The more my brain clings to survival instinct the more I start to experience severe agony.

 

[XYZ]

I've reached a similar point: deep hatred of my own self for my inability to commit suicide. I hate myself so completely I feel I deserve to suffer for the 30 or so years I probably have left. Quite the paradox.