mob
Student
- Jul 19, 2023
- 132
I just need to put this somewhere.
This sudden intense feeling of dread is absolutely destroying me.
Today was supposed to be a better day. Even though I didn't want to, I spent time with my sister and partner today. It was going okay, but then I realized I'm going broke. I can barely afford rent this month since I got less money this month because I'm not going to work at the moment and my workplace automatically pays me less as soon as I'm absent for more than 8 weeks a year. I got paid 200 bucks less than what I usually get and was supposed to get the rest from my health insurance. Nothing.
Feeling of dread sets in. I can't afford food, my partner paid everything for me and I feel awful. We live together and I'll have to pay it all back next month. I'll have to ask my mom who doesn't have much either for money so I can afford living. She'll tell me to just come back home, as if I'm not severely traumatized by her.
We had fun. We went for a ride together and all three of us were shouting lyrics to our favorite songs with the windows rolled down, on full blast. I thought I was happy in that moment, but then the feeling of dread sets in. When I'm feeling okay, it starts with just with a small thought and then suddenly, it washes over me like a huge wave. Always. And I can't deal with it, then it gets too much and consumes me.
I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's breaking me. Nicotine isn't helping. Alcohol sure as hell also won't. The only thing that would stop this endless suffering is to ctb, but I can't let go of feelings of guilt yet. I don't feel ready yet. I wish I was though.
This sudden intense feeling of dread is absolutely destroying me.
Today was supposed to be a better day. Even though I didn't want to, I spent time with my sister and partner today. It was going okay, but then I realized I'm going broke. I can barely afford rent this month since I got less money this month because I'm not going to work at the moment and my workplace automatically pays me less as soon as I'm absent for more than 8 weeks a year. I got paid 200 bucks less than what I usually get and was supposed to get the rest from my health insurance. Nothing.
Feeling of dread sets in. I can't afford food, my partner paid everything for me and I feel awful. We live together and I'll have to pay it all back next month. I'll have to ask my mom who doesn't have much either for money so I can afford living. She'll tell me to just come back home, as if I'm not severely traumatized by her.
We had fun. We went for a ride together and all three of us were shouting lyrics to our favorite songs with the windows rolled down, on full blast. I thought I was happy in that moment, but then the feeling of dread sets in. When I'm feeling okay, it starts with just with a small thought and then suddenly, it washes over me like a huge wave. Always. And I can't deal with it, then it gets too much and consumes me.
I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's breaking me. Nicotine isn't helping. Alcohol sure as hell also won't. The only thing that would stop this endless suffering is to ctb, but I can't let go of feelings of guilt yet. I don't feel ready yet. I wish I was though.
