Life: you can’t fire me, I quit.
- Nov 23, 2020
A while ago now my friend CTB, she had suffered a long time, she wanted help because she wanted to be free from suffering but because she couldn’t get any help she felt she had no option left and therefore wanted to take her life. Now I’m sure many of us recognise this dichotomy of both wanting help and wanting to die, I don’t personally believe just because you’ve wanted help that, that doesn’t mean you genuinely don’t want to die. But I could get into a whole discussion about that but my question is this... when you die do you care what your cause of death is at your inquest? In my friends case they didn’t rule suicide, because she had rang her mental health team to speak to someone they ruled her death as death by misadventure and I’m not sure how I feel about this. When I die I don’t want people to be mistaken, My intent is nothing but suicide and a ruling of death by misadventure seems offensive and undermines all the planning and torment I will have put myself and others through. Because I’m under Community Mental Health they will have to question their care in the run up to my death and I would hate for someone else to get to decide that I didn’t mean it when I did. Makes me angry and it hasn’t even happened. Why does this matter you ask, I’m curious I guess, does anyone else feel strongly about it or been in a similar situation? Does it have an impact on whether you would leave a note or not? Like I don’t really want to get into leaving notes but should I leave a brief explicitly stating my intent to die. I’ll be dead, what will it matter, I won’t care. Will it matter to my parents, will they feel better or worse, what about my mental health team does it absolve them if it was an accident... oh I dunno why I’m still rambling or why this has got under my skin. I guess it’s tied into all the times I’ve asked for help and not got it. And now I don’t want help and so when people people say things like ‘you don’t really want to die’ or ‘if you really wanted to kill yourself you wouldn’t have failed’ or anything along these lines it lights a fire in me. Who is anyone to tell anyone else whether they wanted to die or not - it’s dangerous, enough to push someone on the edge beyond the point of return. I hope the world changes. Just venting I guess