Venting Inner chaos

[Agon321]

Not a day goes by when I don't long for 'something'. I feel nostalgic for my childhood, even if it's just the little things. I feel a desire to discover great things, to explore, and to uncover the secrets of the universe. I long for things and worlds that don't exist. I crave that adrenaline rush. I want to be part of something bigger.

The problem is that every single day of mine looks exactly the same, and my life is as boring as hell. I wasn't ready for adulthood, death, or seeing the people I knew grow old either. I'm not cut out for the reality I'm living in.
I have no skills and no prospects.
Every day I'm fighting a battle with my own mind, and it's becoming unbearable.
I'm trapped in a prison of constant fear and sadness.

I don't know. I just want to start living. I want to exist in an exciting world.
I know that what I'm writing probably looks like gibberish, but I can't put what I'm feeling into words. I'm just tired and I can't see a way out.
I know I have to do something, but I don't know what or how.

 

[caotic_realm]

I could have written this post myself; you've literally put into words so much of what I feel.

Even the part about using Google Translate.

I often feel nostalgic for my childhood; the anxiety back then was vague—perhaps a fear of losing family members, the kind of fears normal for an anxious child, but nothing beyond that. As an adult, it gets worse; daily life—especially being a NEET—turns into a horrible monotony, though in essence, life wouldn't change much even if I were working or doing something every day.

There is no solace to be found in life—at least not for me. Every awakening is exhausting, as if sleep offered no true rest. I have to take a sleeping pill; otherwise, anxiety and insomnia stay with me until 5 or 6 a.m.—if I'm lucky—and then the cycle repeats. The days are all the same, the sensations identical; nothing surprises me anymore. In a way, that is what makes me nostalgic for the past: when you're a child, even the smallest, silliest thing can spark wonder. I find that amazing because it signifies vitality, liveliness, and a certain engagement with life while living it; when that's gone, it's like being dead while still alive.

 

[Agon321]

I could have written this post myself; you've literally put into words so much of what I feel.

Even the part about using Google Translate.

I often feel nostalgic for my childhood; the anxiety back then was vague—perhaps a fear of losing family members, the kind of fears normal for an anxious child, but nothing beyond that. As an adult, it gets worse; daily life—especially being a NEET—turns into a horrible monotony, though in essence, life wouldn't change much even if I were working or doing something every day.

There is no solace to be found in life—at least not for me. Every awakening is exhausting, as if sleep offered no true rest. I have to take a sleeping pill; otherwise, anxiety and insomnia stay with me until 5 or 6 a.m.—if I'm lucky—and then the cycle repeats. The days are all the same, the sensations identical; nothing surprises me anymore. In a way, that is what makes me nostalgic for the past: when you're a child, even the smallest, silliest thing can spark wonder. I find that amazing because it signifies vitality, liveliness, and a certain engagement with life while living it; when that's gone, it's like being dead while still alive.

Yes. The worst thing is that practically nothing brings me any joy. Anhedonia is crushing me.
Even computer games, which used to be an escape for me, don't manage to draw me in anymore. I'm searching for thrills and I can't find them.
Ever since I was a child, I've been creating different scenarios and fantasy worlds in my head, where I was a different person or living out my own vision. Blimey, I even feel nostalgic when I think about my dreams. There were dreams where I felt I was truly alive, and sadly I realise I'll never be able to recreate that feeling in real life. The only hope is that dreams are the real reality, and my current life is a dreadful nightmare, but deep down I know I'm just trying to fool myself.

Fucking prison.