Duochrome-Seahorse
I hope I start rotting in my sleep
- Feb 23, 2023
- 59
I've been suicidal for over 15 years, and idk what flipped a switch on me, but after an attempt i did back in june, i stopped having a huge desire to end it all. It could be the therapy and medications, or how i cut off a lot of people in my life, but even then, nothing comes as close to thinking about it like this:
If it doesn't matter, then I will live until my untimely demise, even if life is painful.
This whole time, I want to live, but death seemed more desirable based on the circumstances I was in. After having a few near death experiences, I realized how easily I can die without me doing anything. I thought about my own mortality every night. I thought about my family dying. My friends dying. People I love and hate dying. I thought about my death so many times. I keep thinking to myself, "once it's over, it's truly over, huh? emptiness?" and it scared me. Also the thought of people I hate outliving me motivates me to keep going out of spite, I refuse to ctb because of them. Even if they never see me anymore, it's liberating to keep living when I don't give in.
whether or not people care about my death, it's not a unique event. It's not something that should parade into the streets about. If I die now, I'll be slightly disappointed that i haven't finished all the shows/anime I wanted to watch, riding my bike one last time, hanging out with my friends, etc. Hell, there is no rush to live or die, its all, expectations. If I die, then that's it. that's the end of me. I have no control about what comes after, and why should I worry about it? because people say that I should? "Think about your family, your friends!" I did, so many times. Even if thinking of them brings me pain, it still doesn't take away my suicidal thoughts.
There's consequences to EVERYTHING TO THE POINT THAT ITS A PAIN IN THE ASS. There's always some sort of hidden event that I didn't see coming, and I kinda just start letting it play. Why should I think about things so deeply? Because someone told me to? What if I don't give a fuck no matter how much I look it over? What if I just stop having morals for some things? Does that make me undeserving to live??? Like I thought about why I held the belief of being a good person so heavily when no one else seems to follow it. What even IS good or bad? why the fuck did we label everything like this???? that's how people can get away with shit sometimes! one example thats been used on me was when I was bullied in elementary and the teacher said along the lines of; "oh I know this person is bullying you but think about their living situation :(((( they could be hurt from home :(((" and that justifies what they did to me??? What kind of ass backwards beliefs is this??? Why should I follow the regimens seen in front of me? I was always an outcast growing up, fitting in is just never going to work, so I might as well do whatever the fuck I want, consequences and all. Because is anyone really gonna look back at this in the next 5 years and say "wow op u were something else" NO. WHO GIVES A SHIT???? HUNDREDS OF POSTS GET POSTED HERE EVERY DAMN DAY, I DON'T EXPECT THIS SHIT TO SHINE ABOVE THE REST CUZ WHY WOULD IT? No thought in my mind is original, someone probably thought the same damn shit word for word I be saying.
people can be such assholes, but I've grown a backbone over the years that assholes don't really get to me as much as they used to. people have thrown the middle finger at me, call me names, have been racist towards me, but instead of being sad over it, I can't help but humor it a little. I think about the space I took in their mind at that moment. I think about how their miserableness took over them, and compare it to how I deal with things. I am no better than these people, I've said things that were shitty and I don't expect to be forgiven for them, I don't feel bad for saying somethings that I say because, unless I genuinely worded myself wrong, why should I? Letting loose of the people pleasing/being nice has really lowered my anxiety when I go out. (I don't actively go out being mean to people its more of a you get what u give thing i follow) Kissing ass always pissed me off, and I'm probably gonna die because of it, but if that's how I die, then that's how I die. It doesn't matter.
Why am I not allowed to be burdensome? Because it's "weighing people down?" Everyone's a fucking burden, if no one was a burden how the FUCK did we get here with a world full of problems? No one is equal, the game was rigged from the start. If you have shit cards, sometimes it doesn't matter how u play. sometimes the dealer just fucking hates you. When I realized that my living situation isn't as bad as it used to be, and that I'm actually starting to get a flow going, I still have time to change things around. and I'm eternally grateful about it. I actually feel hopeful that I can live a life worth living for myself. I could've been much worse!!! and I'm glad that I'm not!!
I am not a good person in my eyes. I don't care about being a "good" person anymore, but it doesn't mean I wanna be "bad". I just want to fucking exist without all this stupid expectations put onto me at birth. I'm still a bit paranoid about being too outspoken, but I am so miserable if I just keep quiet all the damn time. I want to let people know what I think even if they don't give a shit.
because I can do whatever the fuck I want. Nothing in life matters, and it's so fucking freeing.
If it doesn't matter, then I will live until my untimely demise, even if life is painful.
This whole time, I want to live, but death seemed more desirable based on the circumstances I was in. After having a few near death experiences, I realized how easily I can die without me doing anything. I thought about my own mortality every night. I thought about my family dying. My friends dying. People I love and hate dying. I thought about my death so many times. I keep thinking to myself, "once it's over, it's truly over, huh? emptiness?" and it scared me. Also the thought of people I hate outliving me motivates me to keep going out of spite, I refuse to ctb because of them. Even if they never see me anymore, it's liberating to keep living when I don't give in.
whether or not people care about my death, it's not a unique event. It's not something that should parade into the streets about. If I die now, I'll be slightly disappointed that i haven't finished all the shows/anime I wanted to watch, riding my bike one last time, hanging out with my friends, etc. Hell, there is no rush to live or die, its all, expectations. If I die, then that's it. that's the end of me. I have no control about what comes after, and why should I worry about it? because people say that I should? "Think about your family, your friends!" I did, so many times. Even if thinking of them brings me pain, it still doesn't take away my suicidal thoughts.
There's consequences to EVERYTHING TO THE POINT THAT ITS A PAIN IN THE ASS. There's always some sort of hidden event that I didn't see coming, and I kinda just start letting it play. Why should I think about things so deeply? Because someone told me to? What if I don't give a fuck no matter how much I look it over? What if I just stop having morals for some things? Does that make me undeserving to live??? Like I thought about why I held the belief of being a good person so heavily when no one else seems to follow it. What even IS good or bad? why the fuck did we label everything like this???? that's how people can get away with shit sometimes! one example thats been used on me was when I was bullied in elementary and the teacher said along the lines of; "oh I know this person is bullying you but think about their living situation :(((( they could be hurt from home :(((" and that justifies what they did to me??? What kind of ass backwards beliefs is this??? Why should I follow the regimens seen in front of me? I was always an outcast growing up, fitting in is just never going to work, so I might as well do whatever the fuck I want, consequences and all. Because is anyone really gonna look back at this in the next 5 years and say "wow op u were something else" NO. WHO GIVES A SHIT???? HUNDREDS OF POSTS GET POSTED HERE EVERY DAMN DAY, I DON'T EXPECT THIS SHIT TO SHINE ABOVE THE REST CUZ WHY WOULD IT? No thought in my mind is original, someone probably thought the same damn shit word for word I be saying.
people can be such assholes, but I've grown a backbone over the years that assholes don't really get to me as much as they used to. people have thrown the middle finger at me, call me names, have been racist towards me, but instead of being sad over it, I can't help but humor it a little. I think about the space I took in their mind at that moment. I think about how their miserableness took over them, and compare it to how I deal with things. I am no better than these people, I've said things that were shitty and I don't expect to be forgiven for them, I don't feel bad for saying somethings that I say because, unless I genuinely worded myself wrong, why should I? Letting loose of the people pleasing/being nice has really lowered my anxiety when I go out. (I don't actively go out being mean to people its more of a you get what u give thing i follow) Kissing ass always pissed me off, and I'm probably gonna die because of it, but if that's how I die, then that's how I die. It doesn't matter.
Why am I not allowed to be burdensome? Because it's "weighing people down?" Everyone's a fucking burden, if no one was a burden how the FUCK did we get here with a world full of problems? No one is equal, the game was rigged from the start. If you have shit cards, sometimes it doesn't matter how u play. sometimes the dealer just fucking hates you. When I realized that my living situation isn't as bad as it used to be, and that I'm actually starting to get a flow going, I still have time to change things around. and I'm eternally grateful about it. I actually feel hopeful that I can live a life worth living for myself. I could've been much worse!!! and I'm glad that I'm not!!
I am not a good person in my eyes. I don't care about being a "good" person anymore, but it doesn't mean I wanna be "bad". I just want to fucking exist without all this stupid expectations put onto me at birth. I'm still a bit paranoid about being too outspoken, but I am so miserable if I just keep quiet all the damn time. I want to let people know what I think even if they don't give a shit.
because I can do whatever the fuck I want. Nothing in life matters, and it's so fucking freeing.
