[incoherent rambling] fear

[creationisdeath]

I'm terrified. Of everything. I feel like nothing is real. Everything is watched. But not in the government surveillance way. Something far bigger. Me typing this right now, "you" reading it. All of reality.

It sounds stupid but this is what makes me afraid of dying right now. Apart from not being able to afford N. I am suffering for decades now and my stupid mind prefers to keep suffering instead of allowing change. I don't know what comes next. Will they let me die? Why have I had to be born? Is there escape? If I try something other than N will they make me screw it up?
I could swear nothing is real whatsoever and I am physically shaking.
I have nightmares all the time and I'm afraid of having a bad trip when dying. At times I'm hopeful. But for what? Am I a damn lab rat?
Can anyone relate? Or "anyme"?

 

[Chinaski]

Yup, fear is the key, I'm stitched together by it. Absolutely terrified, of everything.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

I also ask the same questions. I don't know what's truly real or how death will feel or how the 'experience' will be afterwards, let alone what's, if anything, is running this show. I'm also very afraid of my future, as I'll have to 'leave the nest' and have no confidence in how I'll ever survive. Another factor is how I'm so damn soft and feel vividly, but am not willing to be aggressive or even make myself known anymore.

 

[Finallyhere]

I'm terrified. Of everything. I feel like nothing is real. Everything is watched. But not in the government surveillance way. Something far bigger. Me typing this right now, "you" reading it. All of reality.

It sounds stupid but this is what makes me afraid of dying right now. Apart from not being able to afford N. I am suffering for decades now and my stupid mind prefers to keep suffering instead of allowing change. I don't know what comes next. Will they let me die? Why have I had to be born? Is there escape? If I try something other than N will they make me screw it up?
I could swear nothing is real whatsoever and I am physically shaking.
I have nightmares all the time and I'm afraid of having a bad trip when dying. At times I'm hopeful. But for what? Am I a damn lab rat?
Can anyone relate? Or "anyme"?

Holy crap, so glad I'm not the only one with these thoughts. I feel like this world is some effed dimension and it's like some twisted episode of the Truman show or some cruel aliens version of the Sims. At times I'm hopeful too, because life is a beautiful thing, if you can feel freedom/happiness.

There is no escape except to play the stupid game and robotically live through the motions. Is it real? Why was I given these circumstances? Are we being punished for wanting to exit their game? For wanting to not contribute to their entertainment?

We may sound insane to people but I get how you feel. I can't sleep for more than four hours for the past few months. I can't distinguish between some of my dreams and thoughts.

I also ask the same questions. I don't know what's truly real or how death will feel or how the 'experience' will be afterwards, let alone what's, if anything, is running this show. I'm also very afraid of my future, as I'll have to 'leave the nest' and have no confidence in how I'll ever survive. Another factor is how I'm so damn soft and feel vividly, but am not willing to be aggressive or even make myself known anymore.

I'm also very afraid and unprepared to live on my own, whether that's because of society or because of myself, I do not know. But I'm with you in not being willing to be aggressive or make myself known. I used to not be like this at all.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

There is no escape except to play the stupid game and robotically live through the motions. Is it real? Why was I given these circumstances? Are we being punished for wanting to exit their game? For wanting to not contribute to their entertainment?

i ask those questions as well. It's tough to not know or trust anything, but that's the state of my mind I guess?? "there is no escape except to play the stupid game and robotically live through the motions" this IS my life right now. I'm afraid to ctb and I'm afraid to live. The only solace is interacting with a couple of friends but guess what, i don't want to annoy them and let them know about wanting to ctb down the road. I wonder if there is a god, or some other higher power, and hope they aren't as cruel as to ever punish for anything or cause even more suffering, if they do exist and have a personality.

 

[Finallyhere]

i ask those questions as well. It's tough to not know or trust anything, but that's the state of my mind I guess?? "there is no escape except to play the stupid game and robotically live through the motions" this IS my life right now. I'm afraid to ctb and I'm afraid to live. The only solace is interacting with a couple of friends but guess what, i don't want to annoy them and let them know about wanting to ctb down the road. I wonder if there is a god, or some other higher power, and hope they aren't as cruel as to ever punish for anything or cause even more suffering, if they do exist and have a personality.

You're fortunate to have friends. Hold onto them as tight as you can because life is a lot scarier without friends/family. I have literally like one (kind of) close friend. Every other friend has neglected me due to my own issues.

What sucks is that suffering exists on this planet and it seems like you either have to accept god or reject god in order to be peaceful with it. Those of us stuck in the middle are left wondering what is good and what is evil and we end up going mental trying to figure out why people have to struggle and suffer.

In my opinion, there has to be some sort of creator/designer of this world. But somewhere along the way humans effed things up and we evolve and devolve regularly. We strive and collapse and thrive and retract. Those of us questioning the way things are and why they are like this are seen as crazy and out of touch for exploring ideas which aren't scientific or religious. If we step out of society's norms we are punished/cast out. We are lucky we are in a place where we can share ideas online, but why has come with such a cost? Innocent blood has been spilt for the creation of civilization as we know it.

Why?

 

[worldexploder]

Life IS inherently terrifying. Whoever doesn't realize this doesn't understand what life is all about. Your fears are not irrational.

 

[creationisdeath]

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm still not sure whether you exist at all, but thank you nonetheless. I could swear I'm in some sort of sick movie. Coincidences all over the place.

 

[Finallyhere]

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm still not sure whether you exist at all, but thank you nonetheless. I could swear I'm in some sort of sick movie. Coincidences all over the place.

Idk if anyone else is real either. Life seems like a play/video game where I don't have the script/manual and I'm just an avatar.

What kinda coincidences have you experienced?

 

[creationisdeath]

Idk if anyone else is real either. Life seems like a play/video game where I don't have the script/manual and I'm just an avatar.

What kinda coincidences have you experienced?

People knowing and reacting to things they can not have knowledge about, unlikely situations falling into place as if planned, people downright seeming robotic/like bad actors being put into place, recently I realized the album titles of one of my favourite artists spell out all stages of my life accurate to the years released as if someone's mocking me.

Or people switching sides in minutes or even seconds. It seems extremely unlikely that everyone I meet has borderline.This messed me up deeply. Just like someone watching thought "this is boring let's get the action going".

I hope when I leave my earthly shell I can "ascend" and figure out what the heck was going on.