Michelstaedter
Experienced
- Feb 25, 2025
- 237
For a long time, I had a problem that some may have already talked about, but I personally want to express it so that those who have lived or are living in a similar situation to mine can think about it.
I'm a chaste, mid-30s man who understands that I'll never have a girlfriend or children, and I'll probably never have sex unless I pay for it. Throughout my teens and young adulthood, I struggled to cope with this, to the point where I had suicidal and homicidal thoughts, and I harbored hatred or resentment, both toward people in relationships and even toward women. My problem was solved by understanding that having a girlfriend was not the solution to an existential problem or to the hatred I have for life-existence whose pain has no name or gender, nor is it as if life seems detestable to me just because there are bad people, but because of many, many things that I could list and perhaps many agree that life is not great, not only because you are depressed, but because you know that others are the same and there is that empathy that makes you see that while you may be happy, someone else is suffering somewhere in the world (and unfairly). That led me to understand that in my case, not having had a girlfriend, others could have been in their first relationship, also girls who perhaps do not meet that stereotype of being bad people, self-interested or cruel when they reject a boy, so I dispelled that hatred and became more cautious with my thoughts, because in the end nobody was to blame, not even me, because all this is a social problem, where some people act in a certain role and become detestable because it seems that in this life there has to be a duality of "good people" so that there are also "bad people", otherwise one thing would not exist in the other, at least in theory.
I want to conclude my brief presentation by saying that I say this because recently in my country a case occurred where a 19-year-old boy killed a classmate because of those radical INCEL ideas that exist on some social networks, so I felt compelled to write this because I felt identified when I was a teenager, I even remember when the Elliot Rodger case first came out and I felt lucky not to be as radical as him, but I felt strange about his situation since he had money, a certain physical attractiveness and I had neither, but he had a hatred that although I had felt, had never reached that degree as to "make my INCEL redemption" and that would lead to a total tragedy. I thought about committing CTB for being an INCEL, I seriously thought about it when 12 years ago a girl rejected me and somehow I felt that I had deserved to at least have had another date (I only went out with her once, she never accepted a second date) and I really felt bad, I felt ugly, I felt as if I was literally a cockroach or something too disgusting for a woman to notice me, although today I do not have those kinds of thoughts and feelings, I understand that it would have been foolish of me to have committed CTB for a reason like that, so I hope those who think that being ugly or feeling miserable, horrible or unworthy of a woman paying attention to them, reflect on those kinds of thoughts, since deep down it is not your fault to have been born with an unattractive physique, nor with social skills or a certain charisma that is attractive to women, so I truly wish that those who think of committing CTB for that reason, reflect and yes, know that Life is shit, but not necessarily because of that, but because of its essence and that in the end not having had a girlfriend, or sex, or being attractive to a woman is an argument to leave this world.
I'm a chaste, mid-30s man who understands that I'll never have a girlfriend or children, and I'll probably never have sex unless I pay for it. Throughout my teens and young adulthood, I struggled to cope with this, to the point where I had suicidal and homicidal thoughts, and I harbored hatred or resentment, both toward people in relationships and even toward women. My problem was solved by understanding that having a girlfriend was not the solution to an existential problem or to the hatred I have for life-existence whose pain has no name or gender, nor is it as if life seems detestable to me just because there are bad people, but because of many, many things that I could list and perhaps many agree that life is not great, not only because you are depressed, but because you know that others are the same and there is that empathy that makes you see that while you may be happy, someone else is suffering somewhere in the world (and unfairly). That led me to understand that in my case, not having had a girlfriend, others could have been in their first relationship, also girls who perhaps do not meet that stereotype of being bad people, self-interested or cruel when they reject a boy, so I dispelled that hatred and became more cautious with my thoughts, because in the end nobody was to blame, not even me, because all this is a social problem, where some people act in a certain role and become detestable because it seems that in this life there has to be a duality of "good people" so that there are also "bad people", otherwise one thing would not exist in the other, at least in theory.
I want to conclude my brief presentation by saying that I say this because recently in my country a case occurred where a 19-year-old boy killed a classmate because of those radical INCEL ideas that exist on some social networks, so I felt compelled to write this because I felt identified when I was a teenager, I even remember when the Elliot Rodger case first came out and I felt lucky not to be as radical as him, but I felt strange about his situation since he had money, a certain physical attractiveness and I had neither, but he had a hatred that although I had felt, had never reached that degree as to "make my INCEL redemption" and that would lead to a total tragedy. I thought about committing CTB for being an INCEL, I seriously thought about it when 12 years ago a girl rejected me and somehow I felt that I had deserved to at least have had another date (I only went out with her once, she never accepted a second date) and I really felt bad, I felt ugly, I felt as if I was literally a cockroach or something too disgusting for a woman to notice me, although today I do not have those kinds of thoughts and feelings, I understand that it would have been foolish of me to have committed CTB for a reason like that, so I hope those who think that being ugly or feeling miserable, horrible or unworthy of a woman paying attention to them, reflect on those kinds of thoughts, since deep down it is not your fault to have been born with an unattractive physique, nor with social skills or a certain charisma that is attractive to women, so I truly wish that those who think of committing CTB for that reason, reflect and yes, know that Life is shit, but not necessarily because of that, but because of its essence and that in the end not having had a girlfriend, or sex, or being attractive to a woman is an argument to leave this world.
