turbomightbegone
🎣
- Nov 13, 2023
- 184
i do not know what forum to put this in. I don't believe this fits in recovery, or offtopic due to the suicidal topics, but i also believe this doesn't really fit suicide discussion either due to just being a venting sesh. im putting it in here regardless just in case but any mod is obviously free to move this to whatever forum feels fit
I've been off this website for several months,, never making any posts or replies
I've been checking my account here more recently as I used to dump a lot on here [mostly profile posts and a specific vent art thread in offtopic that I've made]
and honestly all I can say about this is
holy FUCK everything I've did here was extremely attention-seeking. like seriously it's so fucking blunt how much I wanted attention and such it's sickening
I don't exactly know if this means that I somewhat matured? like i was age-regressing and suffering a lot back then. I was in an extreme mentally-deteriorating state when I made this account, and it was getting worse by the time I started posting a lot
but now im,, generally in a more better state than before. so just looking back at what I've posted is a pretty unpleasant experience
obviously this doesn't mean that I have truly recovered. I do genuinely still believe that I still have problems and such, and I'm still in the same position as before [stuck with my family with no way out and no motivation to do so], but I do believe that my problems have grown less severe, leading to my mental state somewhat,, "improving". I've been having less intrusive thoughts about committing horrible acts, I've been harming myself less, my age-regressing has been HEAVILY decreased [barely happening anymore], and most importantly I've been having less suicidal thoughts.
speaking about suicidal thoughts,, im starting to realise that I will probably never cbt, despite thinking about it and expressing my thoughts about the matter. I believe that I am too mentally weak to actually go on with the act
I've made a thread asking for sn sources before, but I've failed to reply to the one dm I've gotten out of it
not just because of my social anxiety, which I still suffer from immensely, but because I was too scared to actually go on and contact the person who sent me that dm
I am too scared to contact anybody about sources, too scared to plan or act out. my one "attempt" at partial hanging failed miserably and was caused by an extreme moodswing, and wasn't even done properly
I am simply too much of a coward to kill myself properly. and this will most likely be my downfall as there really isn't anything else I can do about my life
I was pulled out of my education, right in the middle of my gcses, and I've fallen into a deep depression ever since. I genuinely don't think I can ever function as a member of society again, as I've been living like this for far too long, bedrotting for several years and not doing anything about it
it is extremely depressing to think about, but my future doesn't seem to be any different either.
I will most likely either get thrown out out of the house when my family is finally done with me, or I will get physically sick and die an useless and pathetic death with nothing to show of it.
nothing to show that I was worth thinking about. whatever art or messages I've made that get discovered will simply just be discarded, lost on the internet forever,,.. or whatever
this is somewhat my fault, since I've never actually tried reaching out for help in real life, just vented online.
my social anxiety has gotten so bad I cannot verbally speak to most people, or see anyone's face physically or digitally. there are about 3 people in my life that I can actually tolerate, and one of them is my own fucking mother who is one of the main causes of my deteriorating mental state
I do believe however, that I've also been enabled, mostly by my family
they have mentally exploited me and drained me of anything worthwhile. they don't really care what comes of me anymore, and therefore do not push me to seek help or to get better
which I believe made my situation so much worse.
I am fucking trapped in this hell, with no hope for the better. I will most likely never fucking kill myself, so I will probably die some sad pathetic way. I think I've accepted this by now
there isn't much point of me using this site anymore,, i will most likely just remain a lurker, viewing random posts and barely posting or replying
there isn't really anything else i can do here, and there isn't really much i can say, but i do thank this website for allowing me to post,,.. even if it was just mainly problematic attention-seeking vent seshs
I've been off this website for several months,, never making any posts or replies
I've been checking my account here more recently as I used to dump a lot on here [mostly profile posts and a specific vent art thread in offtopic that I've made]
and honestly all I can say about this is
holy FUCK everything I've did here was extremely attention-seeking. like seriously it's so fucking blunt how much I wanted attention and such it's sickening
I don't exactly know if this means that I somewhat matured? like i was age-regressing and suffering a lot back then. I was in an extreme mentally-deteriorating state when I made this account, and it was getting worse by the time I started posting a lot
but now im,, generally in a more better state than before. so just looking back at what I've posted is a pretty unpleasant experience
obviously this doesn't mean that I have truly recovered. I do genuinely still believe that I still have problems and such, and I'm still in the same position as before [stuck with my family with no way out and no motivation to do so], but I do believe that my problems have grown less severe, leading to my mental state somewhat,, "improving". I've been having less intrusive thoughts about committing horrible acts, I've been harming myself less, my age-regressing has been HEAVILY decreased [barely happening anymore], and most importantly I've been having less suicidal thoughts.
speaking about suicidal thoughts,, im starting to realise that I will probably never cbt, despite thinking about it and expressing my thoughts about the matter. I believe that I am too mentally weak to actually go on with the act
I've made a thread asking for sn sources before, but I've failed to reply to the one dm I've gotten out of it
not just because of my social anxiety, which I still suffer from immensely, but because I was too scared to actually go on and contact the person who sent me that dm
I am too scared to contact anybody about sources, too scared to plan or act out. my one "attempt" at partial hanging failed miserably and was caused by an extreme moodswing, and wasn't even done properly
I am simply too much of a coward to kill myself properly. and this will most likely be my downfall as there really isn't anything else I can do about my life
I was pulled out of my education, right in the middle of my gcses, and I've fallen into a deep depression ever since. I genuinely don't think I can ever function as a member of society again, as I've been living like this for far too long, bedrotting for several years and not doing anything about it
it is extremely depressing to think about, but my future doesn't seem to be any different either.
I will most likely either get thrown out out of the house when my family is finally done with me, or I will get physically sick and die an useless and pathetic death with nothing to show of it.
nothing to show that I was worth thinking about. whatever art or messages I've made that get discovered will simply just be discarded, lost on the internet forever,,.. or whatever
this is somewhat my fault, since I've never actually tried reaching out for help in real life, just vented online.
my social anxiety has gotten so bad I cannot verbally speak to most people, or see anyone's face physically or digitally. there are about 3 people in my life that I can actually tolerate, and one of them is my own fucking mother who is one of the main causes of my deteriorating mental state
I do believe however, that I've also been enabled, mostly by my family
they have mentally exploited me and drained me of anything worthwhile. they don't really care what comes of me anymore, and therefore do not push me to seek help or to get better
which I believe made my situation so much worse.
I am fucking trapped in this hell, with no hope for the better. I will most likely never fucking kill myself, so I will probably die some sad pathetic way. I think I've accepted this by now
there isn't much point of me using this site anymore,, i will most likely just remain a lurker, viewing random posts and barely posting or replying
there isn't really anything else i can do here, and there isn't really much i can say, but i do thank this website for allowing me to post,,.. even if it was just mainly problematic attention-seeking vent seshs
