A little vent ahead...
I have this general inability to communicate: I try, ease into it, get scared, overthink, spiral and disappear.
I know I'm the problem...I wish I didn't harm those around me in the process. I feel as though I'm leading people to an eventual dead-end constantly.
Seeing as I have set plans to ctb, I genuinely am leading people to a dead-end. In my mind, it's unfair to involve anyone else in this amalgamation of uncertainty and disappearance, yet, I desperately don't wish to be in a state of constant isolation, as I always have been. As my date approaches, I can't seem to uphold my commitments which is unlike my character; I am usually a more stable, routine-inclined person. I just want to be proactive, able and succesful when upholding responsibilities. Why is that so hard right now? I just want to pull away, hide and hibernate from everything. Doomsday feels like a constant playthrough...
The incessant calls for my attention bombard my mind and I feel as though I can't answer any. I'm stagnant as I watch them pile up and topple over.
Again and again.
I want to have a positive impact on those around me or just generally everyone(whilst I am here); I want to invest quality time into helping, conversing and spending time together. But, whenever I finally allocate time to doing so, I begin doubting the need for my presence at all and if my existence causes more harm than good. I have been spiralling down a rabbit-hole the past few days, so I thought that, if anywhere, then here would be a good place to vent a little. I prefer the notion of leaving a neutral effect on my environment after I am gone, but doing good whilst I'm still here to try? I feel so utterly invisible so the souls that have acknowledged me, mean a lot.
I have to reach out, apologise, rearrange and get back on schedule with my obligations. I hope I'll be able to do that soon, though I'm not too certain I will be able to. If not then, I hope those I abandonned know that I still care and I'm sorry(It wouldn't be many but still significant enough). Christmas is virtually here and that doesn't aid the anxiety around familial dynamics; overbearing future planning; masking with a facade and impending logistical tasks...well, that all sounds super fun haha
I hope this thread was at least barely comprehensible. I wish you the absolute best so please keep well!(♡ˊ͈ ꒳ ˋ͈)
I have this general inability to communicate: I try, ease into it, get scared, overthink, spiral and disappear.
I know I'm the problem...I wish I didn't harm those around me in the process. I feel as though I'm leading people to an eventual dead-end constantly.
Seeing as I have set plans to ctb, I genuinely am leading people to a dead-end. In my mind, it's unfair to involve anyone else in this amalgamation of uncertainty and disappearance, yet, I desperately don't wish to be in a state of constant isolation, as I always have been. As my date approaches, I can't seem to uphold my commitments which is unlike my character; I am usually a more stable, routine-inclined person. I just want to be proactive, able and succesful when upholding responsibilities. Why is that so hard right now? I just want to pull away, hide and hibernate from everything. Doomsday feels like a constant playthrough...
The incessant calls for my attention bombard my mind and I feel as though I can't answer any. I'm stagnant as I watch them pile up and topple over.
Again and again.
I want to have a positive impact on those around me or just generally everyone(whilst I am here); I want to invest quality time into helping, conversing and spending time together. But, whenever I finally allocate time to doing so, I begin doubting the need for my presence at all and if my existence causes more harm than good. I have been spiralling down a rabbit-hole the past few days, so I thought that, if anywhere, then here would be a good place to vent a little. I prefer the notion of leaving a neutral effect on my environment after I am gone, but doing good whilst I'm still here to try? I feel so utterly invisible so the souls that have acknowledged me, mean a lot.
I have to reach out, apologise, rearrange and get back on schedule with my obligations. I hope I'll be able to do that soon, though I'm not too certain I will be able to. If not then, I hope those I abandonned know that I still care and I'm sorry(It wouldn't be many but still significant enough). Christmas is virtually here and that doesn't aid the anxiety around familial dynamics; overbearing future planning; masking with a facade and impending logistical tasks...well, that all sounds super fun haha
I hope this thread was at least barely comprehensible. I wish you the absolute best so please keep well!(♡ˊ͈ ꒳ ˋ͈)
