Help In the last moments...

[Centerism]

I've been suicidal for 21 years now. I have had an extremely trying life. I've dealt with pain, boyh emotional and physical. I've dealt with bigotry for being gay. I've dealt with loss on an extreme level (my family left me behind and the love of my life died after 9 years together). I deal with hate from the community for being a drug addict. I deal with a terminal illness that causes debilitating pain. And I still deal with many psychological problems(severe depression, situations anxiety, agoraphobia and border line personality disorder).

I'm in the last moments if I cannot find what I need. See I'm trying to find a good trustworthy partner in this. I'm a romantic type of person. I like the idea that in the end I can hold someone close or maybe just hold the hand of someone while the darkness envelopes us. That to me seems like the ideal scenario.

But if that doesn't happen soon I'm afraid this is it for me. I've spent too long trying to ctb over and over again and always failing that I'm going to make sure this time is my last. Its mercy...

I'm so over life. I'm so over pain. I'm so sick of humanity. I'm so done with being misunderstood.

I just wany everyone on this site to know I love y'all. Thank you for being my family. I will always keep you close to my heart.

But I'm afraid, these are my last moments...

 

[ALittleBurden]

Thank you so much for these kind words. We're all here, cheering for you, with lots of love. I'm sorry if you won't find your partner, but hopefully you'll have a good last journey anyway. You'll be remembered by members of this forum.

 

[GinaIsReady]

I hate to see you suffering like this and understand your decision to ctb. You're very special and everyone sees it. Best of best to you.

 

[Nanimoaru]

I literally just said today, this forum is like a family
Its really sad that one of the most non judgmental places ive ever been is a forum for self exiting
I hope you find the peace you are looking for
I'm sorry you are in such pain
May you be free in the next life

 

[JimFord99]

I've been suicidal for 21 years now. I have had an extremely trying life. I've dealt with pain, boyh emotional and physical. I've dealt with bigotry for being gay. I've dealt with loss on an extreme level (my family left me behind and the love of my life died after 9 years together). I deal with hate from the community for being a drug addict. I deal with a terminal illness that causes debilitating pain. And I still deal with many psychological problems(severe depression, situations anxiety, agoraphobia and border line personality disorder).

I'm in the last moments if I cannot find what I need. See I'm trying to find a good trustworthy partner in this. I'm a romantic type of person. I like the idea that in the end I can hold someone close or maybe just hold the hand of someone while the darkness envelopes us. That to me seems like the ideal scenario.

But if that doesn't happen soon I'm afraid this is it for me. I've spent too long trying to ctb over and over again and always failing that I'm going to make sure this time is my last. Its mercy...

I'm so over life. I'm so over pain. I'm so sick of humanity. I'm so done with being misunderstood.

I just wany everyone on this site to know I love y'all. Thank you for being my family. I will always keep you close to my heart.

But I'm afraid, these are my last moments...

Trust worthy partners are hard to find. So you tried CTB before and you failed? How or what did you try? And what exactly is what you are beng misunderstood? Maybe we can help?

 

[DeathImminent]

I hate to see you leaving from all your posts radiates love, wish we could do something for you, hugs

 

[Centerism]

Thank you so much for these kind words. We're all here, cheering for you, with lots of love. I'm sorry if you won't find your partner, but hopefully you'll have a good last journey anyway. You'll be remembered by members of this forum.

Thank you. I just hope I can find what I'm looking for. If so I'll be around for a while. Thank you for your kind words. Hopefully I'll see you again tomorrow.

 

[Nanimoaru]

It's hard to wait but i promised I wouldnt kill myself in September
October though is a green light

 

[Centerism]

I literally just said today, this forum is like a family
Its really sad that one of the most non judgmental places ive ever been is a forum for self exiting
I hope you find the peace you are looking for
I'm sorry you are in such pain
May you be free in the next life

Hopefully I'll find something. I'm so down right now that all I see is a way out. I think I found a partner though. A girl that has been texting me. Maybe she'll be the reason for my prolonged survival. If not then I thank you for your wishes. I hope for a peaceful journey.

 

[Nanimoaru]

Hopefully I'll find something. I'm so down right now that all I see is a way out. I think I found a partner though. A girl that has been texting me. Maybe she'll be the reason for my prolonged survival. If not then I thank you for your wishes. I hope for a peaceful journey.

You're lucky, I lost the reason I held on so long
He was my light, like he made the voices telling me to do it almost non audible. I loved him alot
I'll call him T but he found happiness with another so while I am sad I lost him, I'm so fucking stoked I can blow this pop stand untethered

 

[Centerism]

Trust worthy partners are hard to find. So you tried CTB before and you failed? How or what did you try? And what exactly is what you are beng misunderstood? Maybe we can help?

I found a partner before. We actually feel in love. He was a saint. We Wye together for nine years. We planned to ctb together when life lost is it's luster. He died right before our set date. It devastated me. I have tried a half dozen our so tonnes to ctb. I tried wrist cutting, pill/alcohol overdose, hanging, shallow water and drug overdose. I either was overwhelmed by anxiety and fear and got myself out of the situation or I woke up in the hospital. People just misunderstand my kindness. They think I'm weak, lifeless, when actually I'm just trying to love others the way I so desperately want to be loved. I'm kind of hoping someone here can help me. That's part of the reason I put this thread up. Thank you.

I hate to see you leaving from all your posts radiates love, wish we could do something for you, hugs

Thank you. I'm hoping that I find whey I'm looking for. I'm hoping to actually find love. Whether it be a friend or a true love. Who knows, right? But I dio love all of you. Thank you so much for listening to me.

It's hard to wait but i promised I wouldnt kill myself in September
October though is a green light

Well when you go remember that no matter what I love you. Deep in my heart the memory of you and everybody here Errol never fade. I'm personally hoping to wait till Christmas. But my birthday is coming up and I fear spending it alone, again.
Thank you everyone for your love. I knew there was good people left in this world. Its just honestly sad that all the good people are communicating on a suicide forum. The world needs more purple like us. The sad fact is that we all hurt so bad that we want it of this cruel world.
Here's a song that I've been listening to. It heals me inside for some odd reason:

 

[Lara Francis]

Hugs to you @Centerism
We are always here for you.
I am so sorry that humanity and family have let you down so badly.
I wish you peace and please know you will be accepted and loved here x

 

[Centerism]

Hugs to you @Centerism
We are always here for you.
I am so sorry that humanity and family have let you down so badly.
I wish you peace and please know you will be accepted and loved here x

Thank you lara. You are a saint.

 

[Lara Francis]

I don't think I have ever been called a Saint before. Thankyou

 

[Centerism]

I don't think I have ever been called a Saint before. Thankyou

Your welcome

 

[Rocksandsand]

Oh @Centerism its so fucking sad that you're at this point. You've been here for such a short time and made such a big impact. I've only ever seen you post sweet and helpful things on here. We'll miss you

 

[DeathImminent]

Oh @Centerism its so fucking sad that you're at this point. You've been here for such a short time and made such a big impact. I've only ever seen you post sweet and helpful things on here. We'll miss you

I hope you wont be leaving anytime soon too :/ stay strong

 

[Rocksandsand]

Oh I'm stuck here for a while yet. I have some court stuff to settle so I have some money to leave my brother and father. It gets shitty sometimes though because the pull to ctb gets so strong, and I get tired of feeling so miserable all the fucking time... and in that sense, I completely understand the importance @Centerism is putting on finding a partner. Sometimes external factors are the only thing that keeps us going

 

[HitchHiker]

I adore this song.

I hope you are able to stick around a bit longer.

Sending hugs

 

[Alec]

You sound like a beautiful person, and I can relate to some of the things you've faced, like bigotry for being gay. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that!! Through all of those things!!! You must be an incredibly strong person and I'm really proud of you for staying yourself through all of this! Frankly I'm a bit romantic too and the way you described it, it sounds nice be able to hold someone as we are making this leap. Maybe we could do it together but I'm Europe and don't really have money to travel and in any case don't even know if I could travel with SN with me, cuz otherwise I'd have to order again and who knows how long that would take to receive it in the States. Plus I've kinda set myself a date for almost a year from now, it's not a hard set on, maybe it'll happen earlier, but definitely I won't wait longer that my date. Thank you for sharing your story, you are precious and I wish I could hug you right now! Stay strong, stay strong like I know you can for as long as you need to and to do what you feel is best, I will too do the same and will stay strong. We might be far away from each other but we are still close in many other ways we are side by side, and we are going the same direction. I want you to know that I love you back, with all my heart!!!

 

[Centerism]

You sound like a beautiful person, and I can relate to some of the things you've faced, like bigotry for being gay. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that!! Through all of those things!!! You must be an incredibly strong person and I'm really proud of you for staying yourself through all of this! Frankly I'm a bit romantic too and the way you described it, it sounds nice be able to hold someone as we are making this leap. Maybe we could do it together but I'm Europe and don't really have money to travel and in any case don't even know if I could travel with SN with me, cuz otherwise I'd have to order again and who knows how long that would take to receive it in the States. Plus I've kinda set myself a date for almost a year from now, it's not a hard set on, maybe it'll happen earlier, but definitely I won't wait longer that my date. Thank you for sharing your story, you are precious and I wish I could hug you right now! Stay strong, stay strong like I know you can for as long as you need to and to do what you feel is best, I will too do the same and will stay strong. We might be far away from each other but we are still close in many other ways we are side by side, and we are going the same direction. I want you to know that I love you back, with all my heart!!!

Thank you soooo much. I would love to partner with you, though I don't have the money either. Thank you for all the kind things you said about me. I rarely get compliments, rarely. And you really got me about to cry.

I had set a date, Christmas, but I've really had a hard time lately. Real hard. And I've got my gear and am able to use it anytime. So I constantly eye it and tell myself I can do it right now and nobody would miss me.

But... big but....
I have found somebody who had restored my faith in humanity, not all of humanity...

So for now I'm gonna stay the fight.

Again thank you. You and I are two of many who all understand each other. And yes, inn many ways we are alike. I feel good hearing your words. I love you
Hey family,
I just want you to know that earlier today, a little bit before I posted this thread, somebody messaged me and began a nice conversation with me, slowly but surely they changed my mind about catching the bus tonight. I feel like I've found someone who not only supports me, but she understands me. And is willing to possibly partner with me.

Now I feel I can hold out. At least for now. I still fear I won't ever forgive the people in this world, and I'll never, ever forgive the people who have harmed me, ever. I've been through so much shit that in permanently scarred and I have no doubt I'll ctb soon, it won't be tonight. I'll survive to be part of a friendship I'm slowly forming. Like I've said before, I won't ever forget all of you and I will be here to continue posting and commenting. I hope I'll hep somebody some day.

Thank you all of you. I truly love you

 

[Fragile]

it is so sad to see such a wonderful and loving person in this kind of situation, just from the way you write i can tell that you deserve so much more than this life has given to you.

stay strong, i really hope you get some peace, i really do.

 

[Centerism]

it is so sad to see such a wonderful and loving person in this kind of situation, just from the way you write i can tell that you deserve so much more than this life has given to you.

stay strong, i really hope you get some peace, i really do.

Thank you for your kind words. But as I wrote above. I've found a bit of peace. I found someone who really understands me and she is wonderful. I have decided to wit on catching the bus. Butt honestly thank you. You're a wonderful person.

 

[puppy9]

Guys just wanna let you know @Centerism is a saint. He helped me a ton on shrooms and stuff. Give this guy a medal. Thanks man.

 

[Centerism]

Guys just wanna let you know @Centerism is a saint. He helped me a ton on shrooms and stuff. Give this guy a medal. Thanks man.

Thanks @puppy9. I truly love You. Its You And all my friends here that are saints. Its you who kept me alive last night. And it's you who keep my heart from turning black. Thank you for being you. You're awesome.

I love you