SolomonKado
This is taking too long…
- Jul 4, 2023
- 424
I have been at the end for awhile. I just noticed here recently that I had become emotionally numb. Anything that would strike an emotion was immediately replaced with binge watching. As I was watching a show one night I came to realize that what I was experiencing was shock.
I had been experiencing some intense and painful emotions this last month. My emotions were actually on full tilt. I even begged God or anyone to release me from this pain while I was balling my eyes out. I stay up because I try to slow tomorrows progress. A insane tactic I know, but in my head it makes sense. The pills I am on were not working and my therapist just wanted me to change the way I thought about things. How can I think of anything other than the strong feelings of pain and the daily torment? Those thoughts have become more than any other thought. Trying to change that was impossible and over time it's gotten increasingly worse.
I asked a friend and my sister for help. My sister was an addict and lost all her children until she was able to get clean and show the system she could function like a "normal" human being. She sought help from family and the church. Afterwards she chose to work with the church to help others that are addicts to get on their feet again. Letting them live in her house and holding daily Bible study until they find a job and then a place to live. She has actually helped a lot. Whether they fall back down is rarely if at all talked about.
I asked her if she could help me. After awhile, my emotional anguish and past trauma, it was too much for her. Didn't help that she was 45 minutes away and barely got by with whatever money she had. I even gave her a couple thousand to help her. I said it was because she helped clean my house and take care of my yard the two times. Honestly it was gas money to make it easier for her to get to me. It was funny when she sent me pictures of her daughter doing "programs" and said "this is what your money paid for." I'm glad she found a good use for it. She also has her hands full of helping other people get on their feet. In a short time she ended up having to hand me off to the VA which was already trying to help me with a therapist and pills. I seen this as I'm just too far gone if even my sister can't help me and whatever psych help I'm getting isn't enough. My friend was a teetering alcoholic dealing with her own traumas so she wasn't available. My older sister wanted to help me, but we make it a point to stay away from her because she is too self involved. She only helps you if it can help her. No need to say any more.
When this month hit I had finally hit my limit. Feeling lost, alone, and in so much pain that it all just shut off. I now know that it was all pushed down. Like so much other pain that haunts me every once in a while when it feels like it. I cannot function at all. I have to make this date and stick to it. Instead of romancing the idea and then it passes by because I can't do more then feed myself once a day if I'm lucky.
My entire existence is physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. Some mornings my physical pain is so intense I can't even get out of bed.
Maybe I am too far gone and there is no help for me. System is made for Pro-Life people anyways. You have to do it "Their way." They don't fix the reason I'm in pain and stop it from happening to anyone else. They make me the problem and try to reprogram me like I was the problem all along. As if these events are normal for a person to experience.
I have everything I need and even have a backup just in case. I refuse to fail. I know if I wake up from the first try then it will be my last failure I've ever had. This is my choice and I am responsible for it. I am actually at peace with it.
I had been experiencing some intense and painful emotions this last month. My emotions were actually on full tilt. I even begged God or anyone to release me from this pain while I was balling my eyes out. I stay up because I try to slow tomorrows progress. A insane tactic I know, but in my head it makes sense. The pills I am on were not working and my therapist just wanted me to change the way I thought about things. How can I think of anything other than the strong feelings of pain and the daily torment? Those thoughts have become more than any other thought. Trying to change that was impossible and over time it's gotten increasingly worse.
I asked a friend and my sister for help. My sister was an addict and lost all her children until she was able to get clean and show the system she could function like a "normal" human being. She sought help from family and the church. Afterwards she chose to work with the church to help others that are addicts to get on their feet again. Letting them live in her house and holding daily Bible study until they find a job and then a place to live. She has actually helped a lot. Whether they fall back down is rarely if at all talked about.
I asked her if she could help me. After awhile, my emotional anguish and past trauma, it was too much for her. Didn't help that she was 45 minutes away and barely got by with whatever money she had. I even gave her a couple thousand to help her. I said it was because she helped clean my house and take care of my yard the two times. Honestly it was gas money to make it easier for her to get to me. It was funny when she sent me pictures of her daughter doing "programs" and said "this is what your money paid for." I'm glad she found a good use for it. She also has her hands full of helping other people get on their feet. In a short time she ended up having to hand me off to the VA which was already trying to help me with a therapist and pills. I seen this as I'm just too far gone if even my sister can't help me and whatever psych help I'm getting isn't enough. My friend was a teetering alcoholic dealing with her own traumas so she wasn't available. My older sister wanted to help me, but we make it a point to stay away from her because she is too self involved. She only helps you if it can help her. No need to say any more.
When this month hit I had finally hit my limit. Feeling lost, alone, and in so much pain that it all just shut off. I now know that it was all pushed down. Like so much other pain that haunts me every once in a while when it feels like it. I cannot function at all. I have to make this date and stick to it. Instead of romancing the idea and then it passes by because I can't do more then feed myself once a day if I'm lucky.
My entire existence is physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. Some mornings my physical pain is so intense I can't even get out of bed.
Maybe I am too far gone and there is no help for me. System is made for Pro-Life people anyways. You have to do it "Their way." They don't fix the reason I'm in pain and stop it from happening to anyone else. They make me the problem and try to reprogram me like I was the problem all along. As if these events are normal for a person to experience.
I have everything I need and even have a backup just in case. I refuse to fail. I know if I wake up from the first try then it will be my last failure I've ever had. This is my choice and I am responsible for it. I am actually at peace with it.
Last edited:
thank you. I hope so too.
