The past couple days I don't feel suicidal at all. I just want to scream at the inside of my head pick one or the other and stop going back and forth on the matter. It's like a cat in a doorway. In or out, ffs just pick one! I don't time to stand here opening the door for you for another 30 years. I have things to do.
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gentleflower
Student
- Jun 6, 2019
- 105
Haha, I know exactly how you feel. 
My mind cannot seem to decide either what it wants on the matter.
My mind cannot seem to decide either what it wants on the matter.
randomz
Specialist
- Nov 4, 2019
- 395
I get what you mean. Sometimes I have non-suicidal days too. The way I see it, what we can do is just enjoy them while they last.
Yeah, today I feel even better than yesterday. Is it weird that I want to feel bad? Who tf wants to feel bad?? In any case feeling better sure does help in the productivity department!
I suppose it's natural. Being in such a state that you're suicidal sucks up all your energy.Haha, I know exactly how you feel.
My mind cannot seem to decide either what it wants on the matter.
SlackJim
Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost
- Sep 30, 2019
- 226
hehe my cat does that, I can relate, it's like a horrible limbo where you dont have the energy to properly recover, but not low enough to ctb either
gentleflower
Student
- Jun 6, 2019
- 105
Good for you that you're feeling better today :)
No idea if it is natural or not. Right now 95% are full on suicidal mode. No idea how much longer I can hold up
randomz
Specialist
- Nov 4, 2019
- 395
I think this is natural - we are so used to being depressed that when we don't feel like that our brains think that this "happy state" is unnatural and therefore something that is not safe and stable.
Oh, I can relate to this so much! You've worded it beautifully: I LOVE your thread title!
Yeah, I've been feeling better for the past week or so, too. And, although it feels nice to feel good and not bombarded with suicidal thoughts and urges, it's also frustrating, because, like you said, make up your damn mind, brain! I can't wait around for decades at the door, letting you in and out! I've got things to do, too!
Thanks for this thread. Like another member said, try to enjoy the good days. That's what I've been doing.
a.n.kirillov
velle non discitur
- Nov 17, 2019
- 1,831
Yeah it's frustrating. Makes planning impossible, because if you're unsure whether or not you are actually going to feel like it on the given day, you can't really let your affairs get out of hand too much.
I am currently packing all my belongings into boxes and my apartment being almost empty now has, paradoxically, had a positive effect on me and instead of feeling resolve, I'm starting to question my decision again. It's such a mindfuck to be honest.
Maybe I should just find a way to move out instead of ctb.
I am currently packing all my belongings into boxes and my apartment being almost empty now has, paradoxically, had a positive effect on me and instead of feeling resolve, I'm starting to question my decision again. It's such a mindfuck to be honest.
Maybe I should just find a way to move out instead of ctb.
randomz
Specialist
- Nov 4, 2019
- 395
This is also a valid decision. Moving out to a to a totally different place and changing social/work environment could work wonders on depression and similar problems.
Squiddy
Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
- Sep 4, 2019
- 5,903
Ever since I got on lithium, it's been passive, active and no thoughts at all
SeekingSolace
‘The sleep of reason breeds monsters’ -Goya
- Jan 28, 2019
- 139
I understand entirely.
There will be awhile that I feel okay...and then the smallest thing can happen and my whole view changes in an instant. I've been told by many people in my past that my black and white thinking is incredibly unhealthy; but even knowing I'm being irrational doesn't stop the waves of frustration and immense drive to give up on life from washing over me. It feels like my brain doesn't want to work with me.
There will be awhile that I feel okay...and then the smallest thing can happen and my whole view changes in an instant. I've been told by many people in my past that my black and white thinking is incredibly unhealthy; but even knowing I'm being irrational doesn't stop the waves of frustration and immense drive to give up on life from washing over me. It feels like my brain doesn't want to work with me.
Ya know, CTB seems like an option for when the other options don't work. If you think moving out will help then why not.
This sounds like you're having trauma responses. Can you afford a therapist who specializes in this? I go to one and she has helped me learn so many tools. If you can't afford that you might look for DBT groups. I haven't been to one but black and white thinking is one of the things they help you learn to deal with.
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Am I being an asshole coming in here talking about feeling great? I think I better get out of here until I feel bed again.
Are you happy it's helping?
This makes sense.
gentleflower
Student
- Jun 6, 2019
- 105
Haha, no, of course not xD It can be encouraging to hear, that you're doing better right now.
I do have days where I feel better as well. But the bad days are increasing currently.
Ugh, fuckin bad days. They can really feel like the edge upon which we totter.
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